All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The White Rose by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Simon Wiesenthal - Short, Drama, Mystery - When the decapitated skeletal remains of a woman appear overnight in a mortuary holding a single white rose, it sparks off an investigation that leads to the uncovering of a forty-year-old murder. pdf format
Writing Challenge theme of "Money is the Root of All Evil" using: Mystery, Artificial Rose, Soldier, Mortuary.
I'm really going to attempt to do my reviews differently for this WT. I will not be taking line by line notes. I will not be "quoting" lines, and showing mistakes. I will read all the way through, gather my thoughts, and if I need to look back on something, at 5 pages max, I can easily do that.
Let's start with the parameters. Mystery - Yes...and no. It's written as a mystery, but the actual "mystery" is all due to the writer having to write a mystery, if that makes sense.
Artificial Rose - No...and yes. At no time are we aware there is an artificial rose anywhere in the script, until Chris tells us it's artificial - why not just describe it that way right away?.
Soldier - Yes, several soldiers, none of whom are referred to as a soldier.
Mortuary - Yes, but 1 of many different scene locales, so for me, this is another miss in the challenge. I count 6 different locations, and then there's Flashbacks as well.
Listen, I think there's a wonderfully complex story in here somewhere, but it's not a 5 pager, in any way, shape, or form. The "plot" is a tough one to really understand, as it doesn't move "naturally"...I don't even think it moves "coherently", if I'm being honest.
I love the research you must have done and I appreciate the balls it took to put something like this together.
It's just way too big. Way too complex. Way too many characters, too many jumps in location (in major ways).
It's well written, well thought out, well planned. It's tough to score this one as there's so much to appreciate and possibly even like, but for me, it barely even meets the parameters of the challenge, based on the location aspect alone. I guess I'll error on the upside here, as I know thought and time went into this.
Wow, he dug up and desecrated a body, took it to Minnesota, and then returned it to Munich for the sake of a charade? I guess he had to. That's where the gas chamber was.
A few confusing mistakes along the way; You're missing a V.O. after Chris on page 3; no indication we're back in the present on page 3; and slugs as a whole didn't really portray the timeline at all.
Mystery is a tough genre and I hope I don't pull that straw (wink, wink, nudge, nudge partner). A very valiant attempt.
This is a well though-out story. Very well told too.
I didn't find a soldier in this - but I assume there are many since it goes back and explores Nazi Germany. I see he based his proof on the fact that the guy took her on his airline - this part is a bit cloudy to me. And I don't get why the government didn't arrest them for their doings. But he did. And this is a pretty powerful ending. Mystery indeed and all the other criteria fits really well into the story. Nice job.
The historical story was interesting, I even looked it up
The girl in the mortuary with a artificial white rose blends the ingredients well.
The rest of it is like the end of a who dunnit, where the hero exposes the killer - except we haven’t seen the rest, so if feels like we are just told a story rather than observe. Or basically when a judge sentences the accused.
But under the circumstances this is a good effort and I applaud your reserach and effort.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
When introducing characters and their ages it's best to be consistent, you have (70's), age stated as elderly and then sixty-year-old I'd just pick one format and stick with it.
The Mortuary is 5 lines of the script, lip service to the criteria really and I don't really think the Nazi's were overly motivated by greed, at least not in the sense of the theme.
That said I liked the idea of Chris bringing the three people responsible for her death together (though not sure why he did it) and the confrontation in the office works like a proper mystery denoument.
Wow. As everyone has said, there's a lot to unpack here.
I guess, first, the criteria. Soldier, check (it's the detective himself, too, he's a Lieutenant). The rose is superficial, but I can't imagine a story where an artificial rose would be that much more meaningful. Mortuary, as has been said, we flash there to see the bones of a body, which really doesn't have anything to do with the story. Mystery? It is, I suppose, until it's revealed in the expository dialogue. And theme? Non-existent. She was killed because she was a rabble-rouser. So yeah, the biggest theme-flouting script so far.
So did I enjoy this script aside from the parameters? The answer for me is not really, since it is told to me, not really shown, like a CSI procedural. Looking back on it, it's more of a revenge thriller than a mystery.
I'm also confused about the location. Minnesota, 1985, and then Munich, 1943 (where we don't FLASH BACK)? 1985 just seems so random. Unless there's history and fact that I'm not aware of. And aren't we in the Lieutenant's office when the gas is released? In Minnesota, 1985? And how did this detective get 3 Nazis to willingly show up to his secret Nazi-killing gas chamber in Minnesota, 1985?
I'm confused. I can appreciate the history and the intricacy, but I think someone above has said that it was way too complex for a 5 pager, and I have to agree.
Also, my father was still smoking Lucky Strikes in 1985 - was anyone still rolling their own cigarettes?
This was hugely ambitious so kudos to the writer for having a decent crack at some interesting variables.
Being a WW2 buff, I know about the White Rose and the bravery of her and her brother. The bringing to justice of her tormentors had merit but it falls down in the token mention of payment of gold for her betrayal. A forlorn attempt at the money theme there that fails hugely - the Gestapo would've been happy to do all their dirty work for free no doubt.
Credit where it's due. Not bad at all. I love historical stories, but I wonder if this could have benefited from a few more pages. I get the parameters though. One minor thing - not a big fan of V.O. But to me it added a literary quality here so it didn't bother me in the slightest. -ghostiegirl.
I'll eat my hat if the writer isn't a Brit. Should be: standing.
Great story, great dialogue, great suspense at this point -
CHRIS I didn’t say I’d let you go.
- just when I was starting to think it was a bit pedestrian.
And then a terrific ending. Well done, writer!
Hang on, the theme...
...tie you to the Nazi gold you accepted to betray Sophia and hundreds like her. Gold you then used to buy your new identities and fine business establishments.
Hmm, okay. Thoroughly enjoyable regardless of that being a bit scant.
Hi, a very busy script with a lot going on but I love an historical piece so that clicked for me. I just couldn't get the connection between the gold and the betrayals. If they were already nazis, why would they need gold to betray people, it would just have been a matter of duty for the nazis. Well written, I tend not to point out grammatical mistakes but I like to read the story and give my feedback from that. I did enjoy the script and I love the image, intentional or not, of a tall imposing Christopher Lee (the actor) meeting out justice where it's due. Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Holy smokes. Lots going on in only 5 pages. I really like the story idea but it felt like we were coming in at the end of it, with the detective telling us how it all happened. Just...way too big a story for 5 pages.
Well written and well thought out. Great idea that needs a lot more room to do it justice.
As far as criteria...theme...????? I guess it hits it. Maybe too much going on for me to make the connection. Characters and object...check. Location...yikes. Came up short there.
But this was quite and undertaking for only a few days. Nice job there!