The White Rose by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Simon Wiesenthal - Short, Drama, Mystery - When the decapitated skeletal remains of a woman appear overnight in a mortuary holding a single white rose, it sparks off an investigation that leads to the uncovering of a forty-year-old murder.  pdf format

Writing Challenge theme of "Money is the Root of All Evil" using: Mystery, Artificial Rose, Soldier, Mortuary.

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text CHRIS (British accent)

Small issue, but for whatever reason, the wrylie isn't aligned correctly.

Quoted Text I just wanted to bring you all together. To remind you of her example and how it shaped the world we live in now

I think this snippet of dialogue reinforces my biggest issue with the script, it's quite on the nose.

The writing is quite good but I think the heavy exposition lets this script down.

I still think this is one of the better entries I've read so far.

All the best.

My only real gripe is that one bit of the dialogue was on the nose, but that's about it.

You wove the criteria into a story with some historical truth to it.

Well done.

I'm really going to attempt to do my reviews differently for this WT.  I will not be taking line by line notes. I will not be "quoting" lines, and showing mistakes.  I will read all the way through, gather my thoughts, and if I need to look back on something, at 5 pages max, I can easily do that.

Let's start with the parameters.  Mystery - Yes...and no.  It's written as a mystery, but the actual "mystery" is all due to the writer having to write a mystery, if that makes sense.

Artificial Rose - No...and yes.  At no time are we aware there is an artificial rose anywhere in the script, until Chris tells us it's artificial - why not just describe it that way right away?.

Soldier - Yes, several soldiers, none of whom are referred to as a soldier.

Mortuary - Yes, but 1 of many different scene locales, so for me, this is another miss in the challenge.  I count 6 different locations, and then there's Flashbacks as well.

Listen, I think there's a wonderfully complex story in here somewhere, but it's not a 5 pager, in any way, shape, or form.  The "plot" is a tough one to really understand, as it doesn't move "naturally"...I don't even think it moves "coherently", if I'm being honest.

I love the research you must have done and I appreciate the balls it took to put something like this together.

It's just way too big.  Way too complex.  Way too many characters, too many jumps in location (in major ways).

It's well written, well thought out, well planned.  It's tough to score this one as there's so much to appreciate and possibly even like, but for me, it barely even meets the parameters of the challenge, based on the location aspect alone.  I guess I'll error on the upside here, as I know thought and time went into this.

Wow, he dug up and desecrated a body, took it to Minnesota, and then returned it to Munich for the sake of a charade? I guess he had to. That's where the gas chamber was.

A few confusing mistakes along the way; You're missing a V.O. after Chris on page 3; no indication we're back in the present on page 3; and slugs as a whole didn't really portray the timeline at all.

Mystery is a tough genre and I hope I don't pull that straw (wink, wink, nudge, nudge partner). A very valiant attempt.

This is a well though-out story.
Very well told too.

I didn't find a soldier in this - but I assume there are many since it goes back and explores Nazi Germany.
I see he based his proof on the fact that the guy took her on his airline - this part is a bit cloudy to me. And I don't get why the government didn't arrest them for their doings.
But he did. And this is a pretty powerful ending.
Mystery indeed and all the other criteria fits really well into the story. Nice job.

I’m torn over this one.

The historical story was interesting, I even looked it up

The girl in the mortuary with a artificial white rose blends the ingredients well.

The rest of it is like the end of a who dunnit, where the hero exposes the killer - except we haven’t seen the rest, so if feels like we are just told a story rather than observe. Or basically when a judge sentences the accused.

But under the circumstances this is a good effort and I applaud your reserach and effort.

When introducing characters and their ages it's best to be consistent, you have (70's), age stated as elderly and then sixty-year-old I'd just pick one format and stick with it.

The Mortuary is 5 lines of the script, lip service to the criteria really and I don't really think the Nazi's were overly motivated by greed, at least not in the sense of the theme.

That said I liked the idea of Chris bringing the three people responsible for her death together (though not sure why he did it) and the confrontation in the office works like a proper mystery denoument.

Decent effort.

Wow. As everyone has said, there's a lot to unpack here.

I guess, first, the criteria. Soldier, check (it's the detective himself, too, he's a Lieutenant). The rose is superficial, but I can't imagine a story where an artificial rose would be that much more meaningful. Mortuary, as has been said, we flash there to see the bones of a body, which really doesn't have anything to do with the story. Mystery? It is, I suppose, until it's revealed in the expository dialogue. And theme? Non-existent. She was killed because she was a rabble-rouser. So yeah, the biggest theme-flouting script so far.

So did I enjoy this script aside from the parameters? The answer for me is not really, since it is told to me, not really shown, like a CSI procedural. Looking back on it, it's more of a revenge thriller than a mystery.

I'm also confused about the location. Minnesota, 1985, and then Munich, 1943 (where we don't FLASH BACK)? 1985 just seems so random. Unless there's history and fact that I'm not aware of.  And aren't we in the Lieutenant's office when the gas is released? In Minnesota, 1985? And how did this detective get 3 Nazis to willingly show up to his secret Nazi-killing gas chamber in Minnesota, 1985?

I'm confused. I can appreciate the history and the intricacy, but I think someone above has said that it was way too complex for a 5 pager, and I have to agree.

Also, my father was still smoking Lucky Strikes in 1985 - was anyone still rolling their own cigarettes?

AJR

This was hugely ambitious so kudos to the writer for having a decent crack at some interesting variables.

Being a WW2 buff, I know about the White Rose and the bravery of her and her brother. The bringing to justice of her tormentors had merit but it falls down in the token mention of payment of gold for her betrayal. A forlorn attempt at the money theme there that fails hugely - the Gestapo would've been happy to do all their dirty work for free no doubt.

But a valiant effort so good work

Credit where it's due. Not bad at all. I love historical stories, but I wonder if this could have benefited from a few more pages. I get the parameters though. One minor thing - not a big fan of V.O. But to me it added a literary quality here so it didn't bother me in the slightest.  -ghostiegirl.

Great opening visual! Nicely done.

Stood tall and proud on a
podium,

I'll eat my hat if the writer isn't a Brit. Should be: standing.

Great story, great dialogue, great suspense at this point -

CHRIS
I didn’t say I’d let you go.

- just when I was starting to think it was a bit pedestrian.

And then a terrific ending.
Well done, writer!

Hang on, the theme...

...tie you to the Nazi
gold you accepted to betray Sophia
and hundreds like her. Gold you
then used to buy your new
identities and fine business
establishments.

Hmm, okay.
Thoroughly enjoyable regardless of that being a bit scant.

Hi, a very busy script with a lot going on but I love an historical piece so that clicked for me.
I just couldn't get the connection between the gold and the betrayals. If they were already nazis, why would they need gold to betray people, it would just have been a matter of duty for the nazis.
Well written, I tend not to point out grammatical mistakes but I like to read the story and give my feedback from that.
I did enjoy the script and I love the image, intentional or not, of a tall imposing Christopher Lee (the actor) meeting out justice where it's due.
Well done.

I liked this story a lot. Excellent construction. Solid characterizations. Well done.

Holy smokes. Lots going on in only 5 pages.  I really like the story idea but it felt like we were coming in at the end of it, with the detective telling us how it all happened. Just...way too big a story for 5 pages.

Well written and well thought out. Great idea that needs a lot more room to do it justice.

As far as criteria...theme...????? I guess it hits it. Maybe too much going on for me to make the connection. Characters and object...check. Location...yikes. Came up short there.

But this was quite and undertaking for only a few days. Nice job there!

Best of luck.

Just want to say I was so relieved when most of you got what I was aiming for in this. I felt a huge burden of responsibility in telling Sophia's story and realised the only way I could pull off such a  mystery was to sum up the last 5-pages of what should have been an entire feature.

A couple of things I'd like to clear up.

The Chris Lee in this is the actor Christopher Lee. During WWII he served in the RAF and then in a special operation unit, which was the beginnings of the SAS. His war record is sealed and he refuses to discuss this aspect of his life, but it is believed he did actually hunt down Nazi's after the war. I, therefore, imagined a kind of a Hammer House of Horror way of him dealing with the nazis.

There were a few people who did not think this story fitted the 'money is the root of all evil' theme because Nazis did what they did out of loyalty of a cause they believed in. Some did for sure but the Nazis stole an obscene amount of gold and wealth which they used to reward this loyalty and spread their corrupt ideas.

I would urge folks who believe otherwise to look over that aspect of history again as it is happening now. Money does more damage than sending in the tanks. Our enemies know that and they are corrupting the West.

However, hands up, I do admit the way I shoehorned in the gold aspect with on the nose dialogue was my bad. I couldn't figure out any other way to mention it in the five pages but I did handle that badly.

Thanks again, and here's to round 2!