Ice by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Noshite Sherlock - Short, Mystery - A disgraced detective looks to jumpstart his career by solving a complicated murder case.

Your Hero is the Villian: Hand Warmer, Bailiff, Factory - pdf format

This was good but things seem to go too smoothly to be plausible. Also, the gun resting atop of the chemical pile seems less likely. The recoil will definitely make the bullet miss its mark. But yes, the killing method with the gun was amazing. I think it can be done but with a lot of precision required.

Nevertheless, bonne chance.

Congrats on cramming so much information and storytelling into five pages. Commendable.

Right when I was thinking to myself 'Wait a minute, Bruce (the villain) is the antagonist and this doesn't meet the theme', BAM! You turned it around and pinned it on the detective. Bravo.

Writing-wise, I found it a bit jumpy but it was somewhat fitting for a noir-ish feel. A little over-the-top set-up. Would've been a lot easier to off Skip than that.

Good job, writer.

You can't heat a gun with a torch, and you tend to file off serial numbers... sanding is for wood.

Well the very complicated setup feels somewhat over convenient at time, but then you kinda explain that with the twist.

Still felt a little jumpy in places but hit all the criteria inventively.

Decent effort

Hey, this is like your title - it's ice-cold.

A simple story, told in straight forward manner but icey as you didn't let us much into their heads and lives. In the end the characters didn't strike a cord with me. But I can appreciate all the criteria and theme you used and told us so much in just 5 pages. I still wish I rooted for someone in this though.

IMO, mystery is the absolute worst genre for a 5 page. Should be outlawed. Just not enough room to set up, solve and reveal without having to resort to some exposition, some rushing and less descriptions.  But you did a good job with what you had. It had a cool noir feel to it. Nice twist at the end with detective.

Good job, writer.

Nicely done. I'm no expert but this sounded plausible enough for me and I bought everything you sold me.

I knew the detective was responsible, simply because this was about the hero being the villain, otherwise, the twist would have been more of a surprise.

Great job, my favourite so far. My only quip is there wasn't much life in the characters beyond their tropes, but you only had 5 pages so this is understandable.

-Mark

I don't know about the technicalities with the gun, so will leave that to the experts.

pulls  his  coat  collar  up  --  protection  from  the  wind.
pulls his coat collar up against the wind, perhaps?

Meg's his assistant? She couldn't have a rank? At least Watson was a fully fledged doctor. Ah well, at least you didn't describe her as '20s, pretty, with an hour-glass figure'. I'm being petty probably... Well, no, I just think from what I've read so far, why are there no female villains?

DETECTIVE  BROWN  GONE  BAD
I don't think you needed to spoon-feed the audience there.

He kept the evidence for a good while, then just throws it in the trash?

Hey, I'm nit-picking.
Lovely script, nailed the mystery genre, and a very bad guy. Nicely done

Damn!  Nasty variables. Almost in the dungeon of despair most of mine were born in lol.

I’ll forgive the hand warmer shoehorn and it’s cool that you tried something different and it was like a noir mystery.  Writing was precise so nice effort

Hi,

I like this a lot. The story is fully told, contained and a great use of the variables. I don't get hung up on small details or imperfections but focus on the story and I feel that this one was well executed.

Well done.

This detective is bagging evidence, but his first instinct is to move the body? Okay, reading to the end it makes sense that he's more worried about preserving some evidence more than others.

Quoted Text Brown opens his case, takes out a small torch and a handheld infrared sensor. Using the torch, he heats the gun. The serial number glows red on the infrared reader.

And this, boys and girls, is why badguys are advised to drill all the way through the serial number. Except when the badguy wants the number found, that is.

You should have a mini-slug that just says END FLASHBACK, but under page constraints putting PRESENT DAY on the next slug is fine. BACK TO PRESENT DAY seems excessive.

This ticks all the boxes, but SPOILER ALERT what I don't get is why the detective frames the bailiff. Just opportunistic to get the citation? I'd hate to be anywhere near this guy.

Well done, writer.

Liked this one because it told a complete story, and really nailed mystery which is hard to do in 5 pages, and the ice cube thing is awesome. Could it be done? I hope I never find out.

AJR