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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  4 Letters and a Tale Moderators: bert
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  Author    4 Letters and a Tale  (currently 5366 views)
DanMimis
Posted: December 24th, 2013, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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007: thanks for the good news. Try and enjoy it and hate me later. It's quite dense, but everything -- from midget to elephant to Rev. -- makes sense and will perfectly add up (even though not necessarily in the very next scene or within the next 16 pages).

And yes, I can take any decent feedback (but not something like, 'what's the midget doing in the first scene when he's not mentioned in the logline?')

Happy Holidays!
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AtholForsyth
Posted: December 24th, 2013, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Don't listen to the negative s*** here.

Stand on your own 2
Do what works for you.
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Scoob
Posted: December 24th, 2013, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Athol, sorry,no . I agree with encouraging people, I'm all for that, but that's some shocking advice.

Negative shit is deserved when someone takes the time to read something, write about their concerns regarding the script only to be rewarded with the writer responding in a negative fashion. Jordan expressed his view, the writer asked for more, Jordan gave him notes, the writer responded like an amatuer.

They expect to be praised to high heaven? Signed by a massive producer just because they sent a screenplay in?  "Oh my, we've all been waiting for so and so to write this and place it on SimplyScripts, what have I been doing all my life? Forget all these paid screenwriters I can bank on, I'll hire this guy who has no credentials whatsoever and just give him a shot".

Yup, maybe that does happen. But not often.

I think this counts.

I read a bit of this. Intrigue needs to play a bigger part. You can't just expect people to gaze in wonderment at whatever this amazing pay off is at the end. You have to get them to the end first.  Building a puzzle is one thing. Making it an enjoyable experience through visual means is another.

I've read bits, but enough to know this is just not good enough to endure a complete read. It's way too sporadic and vague when it needs to be clear and basic for my liking.

I also can't get a grasp on any of these multiple characters.  They pop in and out. Not a problem done well. But here... just too juvenile.  
Dialogue is extremely bad. I'm sorry, it's just  cringeworthy in places.  Some of the action sequences are just plain awful.  
The scenes introducing the dogs in the car park are horrendous.  Just ridiculous. I tried to get to know what you were going for here, and to an extent I did, but it just turns to mush. Really, it does. That whole scene is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read in my life.  People are mauled to death, and live? These hellhounds come out of shadows in the dark, disappear and then everyone is like "Let's have a beer?". WTF?
That's nothing to do with you being misunderstood as a genius, that's awful writing. Worse than that, it's just brainless lazy writing. You can't be bothered to fix it up.

Everyone one of these characters sound so alike I can't differentiate any of them. I would call that a problem. Especially with such a huge cast. You might want to be a bit more diverse. Check out your dialogue. Spell check the word panties. You make light of harsh violent acts such as rape. It's just ridiculous. You can't be serious with some of this stuff. It's just not funny, not entertaining, makes no sense, has no style that I can tell and it's just written as you go along.

You may have planned the greatest puzzle in history but you have hidden it in a mire of shit that many people will not wade through, me being one of them.  

Now, look, I wrote something in a very similar style when I first started  and it's on this site.  The style is very similar, it's fairly unmistakable,  so I feel I know what you're going through.  Don't give up or feel like you're being rejected. You must be aware you're not gonna just cruise into Hollywood with one write, right? So take some criticism , suck it up, analyze it, and see if it helps.

If not, yeah, fuck us. If you agree, great. None of us here are gonna be over your shoulder when you pump out the next draft.  It's free advice. Take it or leave it. It's your baby, not ours.

You have the basics down. You can write, you've got an idea.  It works in your head. You just need to clean it up. Really clean up some parts. Cut loads out. Work on some characters, differentiate them more, they all sound the same, give them their own voice, something that might actually change the story or make us root for a certain character. Right now, they all sound like morons.

The whole violence, rape -thing, comedy, spoof type humour... very odd and offball.  There's nothing I can place this in. I'm sure you think that makes it original, but I think you run the risk of screaming amatuer. It flies too much left to right, budget for this would be astronomical and the audience to see this would be... ?

Don't give up on the idea, just maybe let a few thoughts sink in.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Scoob  -  December 24th, 2013, 11:50pm
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Guest
Posted: December 24th, 2013, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanMimis
What got levy incensed: ￿One million in 3 months with "casinos and exotic dancers"?  What's this guy doing, laying $200,000 bets and F**king $50,000 a night hookers?￿

One million or more can be lost in one pot at the poker table and it happened (documented) countless times. Fortunes change hands every night in casinos.



Ok, but he's too direct about it.  On the nose, as some would put it... much like a lot of the dialogue... and I see other people have a problem with that aspect as well.


Quoted from DanMimis

How long ago did you land on this planet (it can￿t be more than one week ￿ )?

And my very few end here, since I have no more time to waste on worthless so-called-inputs. Happy Holidays!


Yeah, ok, thanks.  That wasn't insulting.  No... not at all.  I'll definitely be sure to check out another one of your scripts.
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DanMimis
Posted: December 25th, 2013, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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Scoob:

Yup, right, EVERYTHING IS WRONG, or almost everything, to make it more credible, since total wrong wont even rhyme with the absolute speed of light (both bull-sheet concepts). I honestly cant remember how I recently found this forum: I dont care about my script for the past 6 years or so.

Im an engineer and my first language is not English, since Im from Europe. I CAN write, since Im highly intelligent, well-educated and read, BUT a script has to be written IN FORMAT, so it took me some 10 books to read (plus a ton of articles online) to learn by myself how to do it, back some 10 years ago.

So this is how it happened: one day at my morning coffee I read about some dude that got $1,000,000 for writing a script promoting a Dodge car in some obscure movie (if I recall correctly the brand ..) So I instantly thought of writing a script promoting the smartest logo (which also happens to be the most intelly lucky charm of the 21st century) for Ford. (you can see the smartest lucky charm in history at http://www.4moola.com/ ; the one for Ford is in the script)

The story, with the Ford logo being at the center of my script, came up pretty soon in my mind, its just that my first draft was a mess. I was told to effin name the main characters in the first few pages so theres how  I came up with the Limo scene.

(Most of) the dialog lines are intentionally goofy, since there are a ton of immigrants (from Asia, Europe, South America, people for whom English is not their first language) barking in my script.

Except for the hard work, I had some fun writing that damn script ..
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MitchellRait
Posted: December 25th, 2013, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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With all this intriguing banter, now I am compelled to read as well!  Will post my review in a few days.
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DanMimis
Posted: December 25th, 2013, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Beware: (1) it's a quite complex story, while also a perfect one; (2) I'm no professional screenwriter and I don't intend to become one. Scriptwriting is HARD work and I'm into doing things the SMART way. Writing this script was an exhausting experiment; (3) Even (some) people that loved my perfect story hated me for the Rev. Dick and/or the rape joke: I'm not gonna remove them
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Forgive
Posted: December 26th, 2013, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanMimis
...some dude that got $1,000,000 for writing a script promoting a Dodge car in some obscure movie  


I'm not too sure this was a movie -- I'm pretty sure there's no $1m scripts that promote Dodge cars.

What you may be referring to is Paul Harvey's 'So God Made A Farmer' speech, which cost Dodge a million after it was integrated into an advert, and they promised $100k for each 1m YouTube hits up to $1m.
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MitchellRait
Posted: December 26th, 2013, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations on completing a screenplay.  Good or bad, I think it is an accomplishment that you should be proud of.  Personally,  my screenplay - Company Town-  stinks and needs a ton of work but I am proud to have at least gotten that far.

I am not qualified to review this script because fantasy movies (is this sci-fi or animation?) are not my cup of tea, but I'll comment nonetheless.  I've never even seen Jumnanji or Jurassic Park which I assume is the same genre as this script.

I don't understand why reviewers stop after 20 - 25 pages even if they think it is a bad script. If I'm going to review a screenplay, I'm going to read the whole thing. Most amateur scripts can cut the first 10 - 15 pages.  But the next 80 pages may be good.  I understand time is valuable for everyone, but I personally feel that an entire script should be read before commenting.

As your logline indicates, the script is about eight people trying to survive a deadly game. That being said, I was completely and utterly confused by the police's role in the story.  By the way, "Jim" and "Jay" and "Kevin" are absolutely horrible, non-descriptive names to use in a screenplay.  I am sure you can have fun coming up with more unique names to fit their personalities.  Was Jay in Australia or NYC? Where did Kevin come from? I was equally confused by the diamond heist storyline and its characters and what they had to do with the deadly game.  I am also confused as to what the Reverend storyline had to do with anything.  Again, I am used to drama, not fantasy, movies. If the intent was to tell three random stories (deadly game, diamond heist and Reverend) that intersect at the climax of the movie, then I understand.

It seems that every conversation, whether it is between the robbers or between the policemen, is laden with negative banter.  Similarly, I wondered why the characters are so mean to each other at the beginning and throughout the script: insulting, degrading, racist.  Every telephone call starts with one person asking what language the other speaks.

The entire feel of the movie is mean spirited.  The banter is not humorous or engaging. It's nasty.  I didn't feel like rooting for any of the characters.  There is no one who is likable.

Why were people Brazilian, Portuguese, Australian, Chinese, French?

Why does Bill blush so much?

Every time the characters got close to being killed by a creature, another creature enters the scene and the characters are saved when the creatures fight each other.  I don't know exactly how many times this happens but more than once is one too many.

I did not think the clues revolving around the number four was very thought provoking.

Again, I am not an expert in fantasy movies but it seems that a writer need not worry about plot points when one can simply insert a random thing or event at any given time.

How did a bag of fake diamonds get in the trunk of the Ford?

On a positive note, I think the premise of a screenplay coverage provider using other screenwriters' parts of their scripts as a basis for a movie is a good idea, but not in this instance.

Good luck with your endeavors.
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 26th, 2013, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MitchellRait
I don't understand why reviewers stop after 20 - 25 pages even if they think it is a bad script. If I'm going to review a screenplay, I'm going to read the whole thing.


Say that after you've read a few hundred of 'em.  

Truth is, if the first 20 pages are bad, the last 90 pages tend to be also.

If I'm watching a bad movie, and don't like it, I change the channel and find something I do want to watch.

Same goes with reading. I'm not going to chore through something I don't like just to say I did.

I'm gonna go find something I do want to read all the way through.

After all, this is supposed to be fun too...

Shawn....><

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DanMimis
Posted: December 26th, 2013, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Ouch, you have so many questions that I (still partying after xmas) can only try to answer some of them:

1. As your logline indicates, the script is about eight people trying to survive a deadly game. That being said, I was completely and utterly confused by the police's role in the story. -- WHY, since in 99% of the stories where a crime is committed police get involved?!;

2. I was equally confused by the diamond heist storyline and its characters and what they had to do with the deadly game. Well, thats WHY the screenwriters were framed, so the con artists could get away with the heist. This will also answer your other question, How did a bag of fake diamonds get in the trunk of the Ford? obviously it was Vlad/The Owner planting it there ;

3. If the intent was to tell three random stories (deadly game, diamond heist and Reverend) that intersect at the climax of the movie, then I understand. were talking intersecting stories here, its just that for a one-line (as its mostly required) logline I believed that the *wrong letters* vs. the *right letter* (pun intended) is the smartest I can come up with;

4. Every telephone call starts with one person asking what language the other speaks. that was just supposed to be innocently funny, no insulting, degrading, racist intention there;

5. Why were people Brazilian, Portuguese, Australian, Chinese, French? Umm, and WHY would THAT be a problem?!;

6. Why does Bill blush so much? Huh? Why dont you ask him &#61514;

7. Every time the characters got close to being killed by a creature, another creature enters the scene and the characters are saved Thats exactly what did NOT happen in my script, where 3 characters were killed by .. creatures

8. I did not think the clues revolving around the number four was very thought provoking. That was the reason I wrote this script, to promote the smartest logo ever for a green car (4D/Ford) so I made the story to revolve around number 4 ..

Thanks for taking the time to hit me back with a review.
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Dustin
Posted: December 27th, 2013, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanMimis
Beware: (1) it's a quite complex story, while also a perfect one; (2) I'm no professional screenwriter and I don't intend to become one. Scriptwriting is HARD work and I'm into doing things the SMART way. Writing this script was an exhausting experiment; (3) Even (some) people that loved my perfect story hated me for the Rev. Dick and/or the rape joke: I'm not gonna remove them


It's quite obvious from your script that you aren't a professional screenwriter. I don't understand this statement:


Quoted from DanMimis
I'm no professional screenwriter and I don't intend to become one. Scriptwriting is HARD work and I'm into doing things the SMART way.


Then why are you here? You think because you come up with the idea of centring a story around the ford logo that this is enough to make a million? You call it a perfect story when you don't really have the qualification to make such a judgement. That should come from people that know what they're talking about.

Family members and friends, don't. Unless they're in the business too. If they're not, then they will lie to you, happily massage your ego. Strangers will do the opposite.

Once you give people a reason to dislike your work they will look for reasons not to like it even more. It's quite easy to rip apart people's stories, even decent ones, if one puts their mind to it. Negatives seem to promote more negatives. Human psychology is so pliable.

Your work is not terrible, you just have a lot to learn before anyone could read your story. You need to understand what you're up against. There are a lot of great writers around, writers that have taken the time to perfect the craft. You don't really have much of a chance if you don't believe you need to put in the hard work. Writing a feature isn't hard. If you believe it is then you're in the wrong game. Best thing to do is convince a capable screenwriter how great your story is and hope they want to co-write it with you. Which is also highly doubtful. There are a million great ideas out there. I've got over 30 of them pinned to my storyboard right now.


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DanMimis
Posted: December 27th, 2013, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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I understand what you're saying, but, for me, this script is just a lottery ticket, I'm really NOT looking for a career in H'wood. Because I'm creative I try my luck in different fields (just a few can be seen at http://www.danmimis.com/) and I feel most comfy in anything based on math and science.

Anyway, I said that the story is perfect (which it is. No script I've read, or movies I've seen come close to 4 Letters from a logical standpoint), NOT that the script is perfectly written. Sometimes a short novel (for which I should have gone; too late now) would hit it big. I see my effort as the best (most intelligent ever) car brand promotion in the marriage of movies and car industry. And it makes perfect sense nowadays when the "Go Green" initiative is all over the place. Too bad I have no connections and nobody (at least from Ford Motor Co., not necessarily from H'wood) would want to talk to "Dan from nowhere" ..
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 27th, 2013, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanMimis
I understand what you're saying, but, for me, this script is just a lottery ticket, I'm really NOT looking for a career in H'wood.


Odds of winning the Texas State Lottery--

25,827,162 million to 1...

Or..

About the same odds of a spec script getting done in H'wood.  

Shawn....><

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DanMimis
Posted: December 27th, 2013, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Yup, I know. I'm pretty good at math, since I graduated a quite tough University in Europe (Electronics and Telecommunications). I also realized, since I'm in this land of no hope called US, that one stands a by far better chance winning the lottery than cashing on something intelligent. I'm an example: I hit the Jackpot (although not an outrageous one) while my Intellectual Properties will NEVER pay out in this land worshiping biebers and kartrashians ...
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