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(1) well, nope, I NEVER said I wrote "the perfect script" (au contraire, excuse my French, I had the decency to mention that I'm not some professional screenwriter), but the perfect STORY; (2) I NEVER studied (like in some University) in US. All my 18 years of school are in Europe. I learned by myself how to write a script in format, I NEVER used one red penny from the US tax-payers to go to some college to learn scriptwriting; (3) I don't specifically accuse US of anything, since my (failed) attempts to cash in on my intellectual properties are global. But I gladly pee on some retarded piece of rock (planet earth) worshiping snooki ...
Well, if u're trying to be friendly I might even teach you French (or some other evolved Latin language, as quite opposed to the barbaric/primitive English language; now ain't I some sweetie?). BTW, I'm Dan. Buy me some Pinot Noir, some devastatingly hot oriental chick and I might share some wisdom with ya ...
Well, Pulp Fiction (Metascore: 94/100), starts with the dinner bandits (and then continues with a dissertation -between 2 mob hit men -- about fast food in Amsterdam). Interestingly enough, the very first scene (with the dinner bandits) will make sense only at the end of the movie, AND NOT, as Nomad requires, in the first 16 pages, so he'd have given up on this masterpiece since it's so painful for him to be "wondering who is who and what they have to do with anything."
I really appreciate when writers like you participate on the boards. You provide all of us with a much needed spark.
You're absolutely correct about Pulp Fiction in that it starts out with great dialogue and culminates in a moment of extreme violence. Then it cuts to more great dialogue between two men who state that they, "should have shotguns for this". What is "this"? What are they doing? What's about to happen?
Your story does none of this. You start out with a midget on fire and then you cut to some cheesy pseudo-humorous dialogue about rum. Do you see the difference?
I don't require that the entire story makes sense in the first 16 pages. I just require good writing in the first 16 pages, and you haven't provided that. I appreciate that you agree with me on this as evidenced by your comment,
...I said that the story is perfect (which it is. No script I've read, or movies I've seen come close to 4 Letters from a logical standpoint), NOT that the script is perfectly written.
It takes a confident person to admit that their writing is imperfect, and I think we all agree that your writing is by far the most imperfect masterpiece we have ever seen. I congratulate you for achieving this feat.
What country are you from? What universities did you attend? I commend you for learning English to a level where you can write in a mostly intelligent manner. You do have some misspelled words here and there but, for the most part, your intent comes across.
Of all the comments I left, I would like you to address one of them: How does everyone get lost in a parking lot? How tall are these cars? How small are these people? Why can't they just crawl under the cars if they're so big that they can't see over them?
Hi Dan - I notice you referencing some ensemble pieces. That' fine, but in each of the ensemble piece that you've noted the are always a story protagonist and antagonist - each story is driven by certain lead people. In some of the films you've noted there are multiple stories, but then there are characters that are leading each of those stories.
Some of the logic here was a bit tricky-- saying that drunks could pull of the heist, seems to imply that it's an easy job, but then it's suggested that they'd get caught, so it can't be that easy?
In the maze there seems to be a bit of confusion in setting that piece up - the group is attacked by dogs, and then told what the game is - one or two of them are already dead by the time they are informed they have to get on the red truck - I really think that an audience would question this as it doesn't seem to make sense.
On the group, and back to protags - one of the group needs to be a central character, but for the sack of the story and because this is human nature - in any group situation, one or two people would come out stronger, and in the form of a script they would dictate the story-line which we would follow.
I'm not a big fan of your introduction ond building one on p18 - it's split into two, and the detail could have been given in one go, whereas your methods forces the reader into a re-think, and interrupts the read.
Your intercut on p21 either needs Maria's location again, or is not needed, and you can just have Maria on the phone.
The characters seem to be very aggressive toward each other - continually swearing, etc. This ticks the 'conflict' box, but there appears to be little in the way of underlying reason to it. there are differentiated characters to some degree, but I don't get the feeling that we are finding out much about the characters and that the conflict is based on differing needs - that the characters goals are causing the conflict.
p56 At some of the intersections of the maze everybody bumps into everybody, but amazingly the humans make it out. The beasts, when bump into each other, fight ferociously against each other, but then remember about the humans and restart their chase.
p70 needs a time to it or it could look like a flashback.
So I'm getting past p80 or so, and the guys head back to the prison cells ... and from there? The story, the script, everything just disappears into mush. I have no idea what you're writing from hear-on, and unfortunately I have no interest.
The story runs its tale before this, in a linear fashion, but never really has any satisfying turns or twists. The pay-off for the Rev is dire. There is no clear resolution, and there is no attempt to satisfy the set-up.
"(the crocodile scene and its twist are unmatched) in movie history." -- What was the crocodile twist? Did I miss it?
Dan, this is one of the most cack-handed attempts at a script that I've seen in a long time. So you read ten books. What you didn't do was practice writing scripts; no-one can write their first feature and hope that it's any good - it takes practice, and even a little talent.
Occasionally there were some nice filmic moments - the cop car crashing into the back of the Ford to take it over the intersection, but these were few and far between, and even the example given was poorly handled.
To be honest, you should be ashamed of yourself for writing things like "[this is the] ...smartest puzzle script ever". It isn't even close.