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Again, I see the choice of the beginning being questioned and as I said before, I think it's definitely worth considering.
I've already mentioned the possibility of bringing Grandma in as a colorful character that might balance the script somehow and also that she'd be point of view character from where we can "see" the street outside her window changing. I think this would be a possible spine to the story-- kind of like a home base, but when things get crazy, she decides to move-- enter the antique dealer with his discovery of the "million dollar urn".
Additionally, watching her street deteriorate, (even if it was a pimpy street to begin with) brings to mind a bit of seriousness amidst all of the comedy. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid growing up in Vancouver-- I saw neighborhoods in decline; so the element of truth there, I think would be fascinating.
I do realize that the logistics of this creates a challenge, but I think that the opening could be far more dramatic than a dimly lit street and then jumping into Jo-jo's run through the Pop-aid factory.
I think that the writing in this is excellent-- I just think that the way it's laid out could be developed as well as integrating a bit more tension and entertainment value with someone like a Grandma watching from the sidelines. I don't know-- maybe it sounds way out of what you'd like to do, but I could even see Grandma getting bits of strength from the ghost of Grandpoppa Pimp, giving her the ability to scare away the fake pimps and hos.
Whatever you decide, definitely consider working with the beginning.
When I posted some questions regarding a logline for Butterflies and Bones, it fueled the discussion of my beginning and since then I've rewritten it and I feel grateful for the advice offered. Who knows if it will again change at a later date, but I already feel much better about it.
Good luck with whatever you decide. It's probably good to just take a break from it too if you've been too close to the work of recent.
I don't think what you're suggesting would be hard to implement, I'm just not sure I see the point of it.
If I add in a Grandmomma Pimp character in the beginning, then I have to add in all the stuff that you suggested with the switching of the ashes and what not before they even get to Jo-Jo, and THEN, I can move in to what I have. This seriously bumps things back in the story, and my turning points would be way late.
Then, going forward in the story, there would be cuts to her at her home, seeing how bad the streets are and everything else, all the while the real story is taking place in Ramova Falls with King, Guy, and Sancho. Remember, Jo-Jo and his buddies aren't from Ramova Falls, they're from the town where the Pop-Ade factory is located.
I've done a little bit of rewriting on this since it's been posted, but I've been on a break lately, having written a feature on assignment and looking to go back to a work on a Romantic Comedy I started way back when.
My real goal here is to get this to an acceptable presentable level, because I know that if anything further were to ever come of this, I'll be doing rewrites for that anyway.
Going forward, I would appreciate it if all feedback resembled this email I randomly received yesterday.
Quoted from Email
...came across your script for PIMP JUICE and would like to say.....
I did have a slight problem with the way you describe Ramova Falls. A place with such a tremendous hometown feel, you expect George Bailey to run down the street shouting "Merry Christmas" at everyone any second. That’s all very nice, but then we learn about pimps, ho’s and pot (before the pop-ade) and some other things too that sort of contradict that description.
I noticed that too Mike. The town sounded like Mayberry. Then it turned out to have a pimp. It didn’t seem large enough to have a pimp. Then we find out it had two pimps. And where were the regular hos?
Quoted from Breanne’s email
...came across your script for PIMP JUICE and would like to say.....
I'm positive nothing will come from that email, Pia. What I posted was pretty much what I got, other than a sentence at the beginning. Just a "cool script" email that I thought was funny.
I see where both of you are coming from with the town, and I had a little discussion with Cornetto about it last night. In my description, I wanted to do basically what I did, describe the town. It is a separate element than the characters that occupy it, and the characters are somewhat out of place, but I think what I wrote gives you a good sense of just where you're at, and when things start to go awry, it's really turned on it's head.
Another angle, although not overly described in the script, is that King Aloysius knows Jo-Jo, who lives in the ghetto. Could King Aloysius be a transplant from said ghetto? Most likely, I just never say. It's not entirely impossible to have a nice looking place with a slight seedy underbelly to it though.
A regular ho or hos is something I'm working on. I was worried about adding in more characters, but I think this is a necessary evil. Glad to see someone pointing it out.
Hello Mike... I'm just checking in to give you the big thumbs up and encouragement that we all need.
Don't worry about all the complicating scenarios I was suggesting. I really mess with my own plot lines this way-- but I guess that's the process.
I send you a big congratulations on this script because I think you succeed in the areas you've set out to work with and the dialogue is really strong!!! Add the visuals and dialogue together and they are excellent!!!
I'm positive nothing will come from that email, Pia. What I posted was pretty much what I got, other than a sentence at the beginning. Just a "cool script" email that I thought was funny.
“That thing is real!”
(A chocolate oatmeal cookie to anyone who can tell me what movie that line’s from. )
Mike I thought you made that email up to be funny.
I really enjoyed this. It was a fun and interesting premise that said something about products like pop-ade (brought to mind Donald Rumsfeld and the aspartame controversy).
I really like the characters, particulary Aloysius... sorry KING Aloysius! (I had Eddie Griffin in mind for him). I felt his character was abit weak at the end though. I was expecting more of a showdown between him and The Goodyear Pimp as they obviously have a past rivalry, but he pretty much just walloped him once with his cane. What if the cane was special perhaps, like a legandary cane passed down generations of pimps and now bestowed upon him, the Excalibur of pimp canes! ...just an idea, but overall it was all good and I liked how you made each of the group pitch in defeating the Goodyear Pimp.
Some other points I noticed which you may wish to look at (assuming you don't already know about them)
I found the description of the town and the fact that it was inhabited by a pair of pimps and their ho's to be contradictory.
The attraction between Guy and Annie should be played upon more before he asks her out on a date. Maybe if he became nervous or something around her, or Annie expressing her attraction to Guy more, because there really wasn't any indication that she was attracted to him, yet when he asks her out she says 'it's about time'.
I felt like maybe the story could have been abit crazier, abit more over the top. It felt like it didn't quite fully take off for me, maybe it was the lack of a pimpin' showdown between King Aloysius abd the Goodyear Pimp that I was kind of hoping for, but I want to reiterate that I did really enjoy the script.
Thanks for taking a look at it. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
Some of the things you've mentioned have been taken care of in recent rewrites, I just haven't uploaded a new version of the script yet (probbaly won't for awhile since I still have some things to fine tune.
King Aloysius and The Goodyear Pimp have a run-in at an earlier part of the script now, and it's revealed that King Aloysius' cane was actually left to him by Grandpoppa Pimp. Gives it a little more "power", I think.
Guy and Annie's relationship is one of the things that I'm still fine tuning, as well as making things a little more outrageous. Per previous feedback, I've decided to go ahead and add at least one legit ho into the mix, possibly two. I've got the space to do it, so I might as well use it to my advantage.
A couple others have commented on the town vs the people that live there, and I'm not really sure what to say about it. My description of the town is basically hwo I want people to view it, while the people that live there make for an entirely separate issue. It's kind of a joke in and of itself if you think about...
A nice pan across this nice town, soft music playing in the background, the Pop-Ade truck driver whistling a happy tune as he unloads his truck and then *record scratch*. What the fuck is this pimp doing there?
Anyway, I appreciate the read and the suggestions. I've been viewing the version I have up here as kind of a framework script, prime for exapnsion, and all the feedback has been beneficial.
The good news is I owe you a chocolate oatmeal cookie. The bad news is my chocolate oatmeal cookies suck. I’ve been trying to reproduce my grandmother’s cookies for years with little success. How about instead I take you to see Pimp Juice when it comes out in theaters?
A couple others have commented on the town vs the people that live there, and I'm not really sure what to say about it. My description of the town is basically hwo I want people to view it, while the people that live there make for an entirely separate issue. It's kind of a joke in and of itself if you think about...
A nice pan across this nice town, soft music playing in the background, the Pop-Ade truck driver whistling a happy tune as he unloads his truck and then *record scratch*. What the fuck is this pimp doing there?
I see that working well, I think it doesn't come across clearly on paper in the draft that's up currently, but on the screen I totally get it.
Finally got a chance to work through this one. I remember when you first pitched this idea -- and it is fun to see how it is -- and isn't -- what I expected from the finished product.
You already know that I think the concept itself is gold -- and very well-suited for your brand of storytelling. I also see that you are already in the midst of rewrites, and reading through the comments, some of what I have for you may reinforce what you have already heard.
In it's current form, this story is not yet all that it can be. You already acknowledge that, and are moving in some of the right directions to fix that. The additions that you made up front, establishing how this scenario came to be, are good.
But as odd as this may sound, I do not think your real voice is coming through just yet. There is a good deal of that comedy vibe already in place, of course, but right now you have got too much "28 Days Later" and not enough "Soul Train". Phil was right. (*shudders*)
For example, you description of the city left me cold, but this:
A nice pan across this nice town, soft music playing in the background, the Pop-Ade truck driver whistling a happy tune as he unloads his truck and then *record scratch*. What the f*** is this pimp doing there?
This is perfect. Why isn't this in the screenplay? And more stuff like it.
As for the rest of this story, introducing Annie and Goodyear earlier are both the correct decisions. And more Hos, too. So without dwelling on those items, I do have a few specific things that I would change, were this mine.
Guy’s voice: I know I said this before, but seeing the whole screenplay now I still think I am right. How come Guy is not singing to vanquish these things? He should be singing, "Go Away Little Girl" to those Hos! Or a bit of Manilow. You always have Guy screaming, and I still contend that is just not funny -- or at least, not nearly as funny as the selection of choice "white-guy" songs that I am sure you can come up with. You will never convince me that singing is not the way to go here. And why did his voice change? Did I miss it? If you go that route, make it clear why his voice is changing or it feels like a cheat.
The Som-Som: I think the soothsayer's obsession with his hat is very funny, and it would look hilarious. But I think you are taking the gag too far. I can buy the direction arrows in the crystal ball, and (almost) the boomerang thing that he does, but all the telekinetics and stuff is taking it too far, I think. I would scale it back.
Pop-Ade: At some point King Aloysius has to drink the pop-ade. Kind of like "30 Days of Night", where the guy turns into a vampire to fight a vampire. But I also like your idea of the pop-ade having no effect at all, proving once and for all that Aloysius IS the king of pimps. Anyways -- whether it affects him or not is your call -- but he does need to drink the pop-ade.
Vandelay: I think Vandelay gets off too easy here. As the primary bad guy, in a lot of ways even more than Goodyear, he needs something more satisfying than arrested by the cops. The "formula" here is for something outrageous, and I think that, at least in this instance, that is one convention of the genre that you should honor.
As for the end, I have no problem with Grandpoppa Pimp contributing to the resolution of this story. It brings everything full circle. If only King Aloysius could bring a little bit more to that party, it would be perfect.
There is tons of potential here -- there is just no denying it. You aren't there yet with this one, but you are certainly on the right track. I hope some of this at least gives you a few more ideas to work with.
Guy’s voice: I know I said this before, but seeing the whole screenplay now I still think I am right. How come Guy is not singing to vanquish these things? He should be singing, "Go Away Little Girl" to those Hos! Or a bit of Manilow. You always have Guy screaming, and I still contend that is just not funny -- or at least, not nearly as funny as the selection of choice "white-guy" songs that I am sure you can come up with. You will never convince me that singing is not the way to go here.
Hey Mike, Bert is absolutely correct here, my friend. Add me to the list of people who are certain that you have exactly what it takes to make Bert’s suggestion work beautifully. He’s right. Guy needs to sing and act “white guy.” The screaming thing feels like a black hole waiting to be filled by just such a device.
You;'re correct in that I have been working on rewrites, but I've been jumping back and forth as pf late on a few different things that all decided to come out of the woodwork at once. I hope to have a new draft up here ASAP, so any feedback can be fresh and I can be assured I'm moving in the right direction.
The thing about the way the concept came out, is that a zombie-like population is sort of what I had in mind. I do agree with all the previous comments that things can be a little more segregated and made funnier though. Can't have too much of that in a comedy.
The reason that some of those colorful explanations are missing is quite simple. I'm still working on weaving more of them into my work as I progress as a writer. It's been a daunting process, but compared to my earlier works I'm extremely happy over how things are moving along.
Annie and Goodyear are intro'ed earlier. This is already taken care of. I also plan to add in two to three legitimate hos. I think it will make it more colorful and allow King Aloysius to pop a little more when he has others to play off of.
Guy's voice. This is tough. I'm really hesitant to pull the trigger on another protag who gets by on his voice. I can certainly pull it off no problem, I'm just worried about him being pigeon-holed into a comparison with another character of mine. It would be different yet the same, you know?
Som-Som. Seems to me like there's one particular sequence you don't like there. I think that's an easy enough fix, and puts the hat a little more into reality as well.
King Aloysius drinks the pop-ade. This is in.
Vandelay. I've been toying with an idea regarding certain test batches of hater-ade, and have given some thought to bringing Vandelay into the mix with it near the end. He'll still get his and go to jail, but with an added bonus.
I've established that King Aloysius' cane was given to him by Grandpoppa Pimp, so I might go that route in having him bring a little more to the party. Either that, or my newly added hos can play a role.
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