Quoted from Shelton Guy's voice.  This is tough.  I'm really hesitant to pull the trigger on another protag who gets by on his voice.  I can certainly pull it off no problem, I'm just worried about him being pigeon-holed into a comparison with another character of mine.  It would be different yet the same, you know?

Mike, I totally get what you’re saying. But I think you both have valid points. Bert’s main point is that screaming in and of itself isn’t particularly known as a white trait. Whatever Guy does, I still think it would be better to be something that’s associated with being a white guy.

It could be the way he talks. Maybe he gives lectures. I think it would be funny if he lectured people on hazardous behavior. Like Mike Brady or something.

Maybe it’s his dancing. Back in the eighties, there was a particular dance Eddie Murphy called “White Man Dancing.” I think that would be hilarious but then what do I know? I think socks are funny.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson It could be the way he talks.

I'm confused here.  It's his talking that does it now.  Yes, it only annoys them and the screaming (louder talking) is what really pushes them over the edge into explosions and seizures, but at its core, it's how he talks that is his "power".

There's room for a few jokes regarding dancing in there, but I don't think it would work too well if that were his weapon.

Quoted from Shelton I'm confused here.  It's his talking that does it now.  Yes, it only annoys them and the screaming (louder talking) is what really pushes them over the edge into explosions and seizures, but at its core, it's how he talks that is his "power". There's room for a few jokes regarding dancing in there, but I don't think it would work too well if that were his weapon.

Mike, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m confused. I thought there were scenes where Guy just screams and doesn’t really say anything.

I wasn’t referring to the way Guy talks in the script. I was referring to scenes where he only screams and says nothing. I was thinking he should say or do something white in those scenes. Because I don’t find screaming itself to be particularly a white characteristic. Anything else I said was just suggestions.

If I’m wrong, then forget what I said. I could be remembering it wrong.


Breanne

No, you're remembering it right.  There are scenes where Guy just screams.  The thing with that, is that Guy's voice when he's merely talking causes a level of discomfort, screaming causes seizures, and reverberated screams cause them to flat out explode.  It's taken in levels, and I thought it was a decent way to go about it.  Plus when The Goodyear Pimp changes his voice, it adds a little bit of comedy to it.

I'm still thinking on giving the singing bit a try, but hopefully what I have already makes sense the way I've presented it.

Quoted from Shelton No, you're remembering it right.  There are scenes where Guy just screams.  The thing with that, is that Guy's voice when he's merely talking causes a level of discomfort, screaming causes seizures, and reverberated screams cause them to flat out explode.  It's taken in levels, and I thought it was a decent way to go about it.  Plus when The Goodyear Pimp changes his voice, it adds a little bit of comedy to it. I'm still thinking on giving the singing bit a try, but hopefully what I have already makes sense the way I've presented it.

I think the singing thing could work, but it depends on how you want to go with this.

I like the idea of hearing Guy talk in this SUPER WHITE voice and it sounds normal to us whites, but to the black pimps, it changes-- maybe really work hard on writing in A DISTORTION where it reverberates and becomes everything from a metalic sound to the sound of a toilet flushing. You could really have a lot of fun with this.

Hey!!! How 'bout give an unpredictability to it? Maybe one time his voice sounds like an operatic singer, another time like a toilet flushing etc... and really work with the reactionary shots.

If, his voice keeps changing, then we don't know what to expect next, and that would be interesting.

Why does it keep changing? Who the heck knows!!! For the same reason that we've got zombie Pimps and Hos LOL.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think the singing thing could work, but it depends on how you want to go with this.

I've added the singing element into the script along with the other things that have previously been discussed throughout the thread.

I hope to have another draft completed soon, but it may take a little longer before I post it.  I want to compare the singing vs the screaming since I'm still not 100% on it yet.

Quoted from Shelton I hope to have another draft completed soon, but it may take a little longer before I post it.  I want to compare the singing vs the screaming since I'm still not 100% on it yet.

And, I'm quoting myself.  How odd.

Anyway, I did complete a new draft yesterday, and the script is now at 104 pages with everything I've added and changed based on feedback.

I'm still going to sit on it for a short bit, so I can do a little more fine-tuning and editing before I post the revision up here, but if anyone is interested in checking it out beforehand just let me know and I can send it via email.

Sorry for the bump, but I figured it's better to do that than have people give feedback on old material.

Hey all,

New draft up here, which is the result of feedback received here and a few other things I wanted to change during the rewrite process.

It now clocks in at 107 pages, but I think the added length has made the script better.

Michael
Started reading some of your scripts, followed your trail from the OWC.

Not wanting to be critical or professing to being an expert as I am still finding my feet, so please take any comments with a pinch of salt et al.

In regard to this one (up to page 9) Vandelay is bugging me. He’s the authoritarian figure at this stage in the script.  In four instances almost one after the other he begins with 1) Splendid, 2) Excellent 3) Good, 4) Damn. I would tend to loose at least two or three of them.  Essentially it’s a stuff up he’s having to deal with. I would use the ‘good’ at the end when the problem has been solved.

Could ‘shipping department’ just be shipping?

The references to retaining the ‘batch’ and ‘vat’ - is this the same thing?

Instead of asking the guard if he knows what the value of the vat or batch is why not say something like it’s more than you’ll earn in a year, that way the audience knows the significance of the batch and not just Vandelay, hence his reluctance to toss it away and motivation to keep it even if it’s dangerous.

Not sure I fully understand the way this has been written.
Vandelay - ‘Good. Carry on. I’m sure we’ll be laughing at all this come next week when the Pop-Ade corporation continues to bring in millions of dollars”
(why would the guards be laughing)  Isn’t it a hiccup that will be overshadowed by our growing profits.

If I’m outa line or being too picky say so. But I shall continue to read on. Some of these things might jump out and be answered as I go along.  Though I would pop it up now rather than forget it . Cheers Walford.

Mike one last thought, could Vandelay say to the guard something like - 'That vat is worth more than you' - This sort of says more about the Vandelay character than it does the guard yet puts both of them into position, if you get what I mean. walford

Hello Michael,

I hope you had a really fun time in Vegas!!!! I'll get to work on your revised script once I get through the OWC and straighten a few things out here at home.

Sandra

Walford,

I see what you're saying, and in a sense you're right.  There are a lot of ways Vandelay could say what he said.  I just chose to have him say things the way he does because it's the way of his character.  Hopefully as you get into the main characters, you'll see similiar patterns in words they use as well.  It's  just a way to keep them slightly differentiated.

Sandra,

No rush.  Things have been added, sure, but I'm definitely on a little hiatus from working on this one right now.

Mike,

So, I'm on page 33 of "Pimp Juice", and I gotta say, I agree with Phil; it's not really my cup of tea.  It's becoming a bit of a struggle for me to continue reading it, mainly because I don't really like the story or even the subject matter.

I don't want to say the script is racist (however I think an argument could probably be made by someone more impassioned about the subject than myself), however I find the stereotypes to be a huge negative of the script thus far.  Almost every stereotype is present, and I'm just waiting for the flamboyantly gay stereotype to make an appearance.  Instead of critiquing these stereotypes or offering anything new, you simply repeat everything that's been done before to the extreme degree.  I don't really feel like you have a movie...just stereotypes repeating stereotypical things to get from one scene to the next.

Because of this every character suffers and I dislike every moment they're on the page.  While the dialogue can be witty at times (you have a knack for that), certain scenes drag as not much is accomplished other than the characters standing there (talking heads).  One scene that struck me as particularly long was the intro scene with the King; it just seemed to go on forever.  Granted, characters were introduced, but I felt like they stood on that corner just talking for what seemed like pages, not really accomplishing too much in the way of the story.

Overall, I just don't think I'm the audience for this particular piece.  Being that I said I would, I can continue and finish the script, but if the overall tone continues, I have a feeling I will just be saying more of the same.

It actually took me a bit to submit my script to your list for exactly the reason you've laid out.  I didn't think you were the audience for it, and I'd go so far as to say that we have vastly different senses of humor, but whatever, free read/bump.  I'm a whore.

If you don't like the script or feel that it's going to continue on the same way, then don't read any more.  I'm quite alright with that.  No sense in you having to slog your way through something when there's no reciprocation involved.

I do have to say though, if someone were going to make a case that this script is racist, I think they'd have a pretty hard time in doing so.  I haven't left anybody out here, really, and the three heroes are a white guy, black guy, and a Hispanic.

finally got to read your new feautre.

I enjoyed the cast of characters, their witty exchanges and all of the little sheltonisms that give this script your quirky stamp.

It is a pleasure to read. favourite bit was when Guy's tape gets chewed up in the middle of Piano man and he yells out "BILLY!"

What I didn't like was for such a odd yet novel central problem, I thought your approach to the plot was just plain lazy.

scratch away all the pimpy pimpness, and all you have is a zombie movie, where hoards of zombie just roam the street and grab unsuspecting victims and eat their brains and turn them into zombies- okay that's a lie but you have same basic idea as zombie hit them with red powder and turn them into zombies. (pimbies?)

You even use the word shuffle for the pimps movements.

Plus as you have it the death of Pimps by music is just not funny and I found it sick and offensive cause it is murder in cold blood cause these pimps are just innocent people who are under a spell. They are not mindless killers or a threat or nothing really like that. The heros should be trying to find a cure or warn people of the red plauge. As you have it they are just killers.    

Another reason it was not funny too is cause do you remember how all the aliens in Mars Attack where killed?  It was kind of goofy and surprising the first time but not so the second time.

Now what would I exepect from a logline like yours?  Well I think you have endless possibilities with conflict when the new pimps start squaring off. Why not have a pimp war? Have them pimp everything. their guns, their cars, their pet dogs Something like that.

But yeah great characters, (Sancho should be played by Fez from 70's show) and wacky stuff (som-som, pimp-o-limpics, Good year pimp )

to quote phil "you need to add more pimp"

Plus I'm not a big fan of zombie movies