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Don
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Donor Daddy by Kim Britt (screen dreamer( - Comedy, Romance - The relentless ticking of her biological clock sends a jaded 35-year-old divorce lawyer on a hunt for the perfect father for her baby. When her first choice falls through, she accidentally conceives during a drunken one night stand with a stranger who turns out to be her new O.B. 117 pages - pdf, format


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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Kim,

you're a very prolific writer!  

i haven't read through your entire script, but i hafta say that you're off to a good start!  it's a very entertaining read, thus far.  

i'll try to finish reading it soon!  good job!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you.  Can't wait to hear what you think of it.

Kim
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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Kim,

i finished your story last night!  your writing style is very professional and it was very easy to read.  i love the dialogue and the smart witty retorts by jamie.  i think in some cases, some of jamie's dialogue are really long and should be cut up by adding some action, gestures or whatever.

one thing that really didn't work for me --

the fletcher character.  it didn't seem natural that he would fall in love with her.  he meets her at a bar, they're drunk, they do it....and later she gets pregnant and he's forcing her to have a prenatal exam (or whatever it was).  i get his position of being the OBGYN to ensure that the baby and mother's safe, but i just didn't understand why he would kind force himself on her.

i find it incredulous that a guy would fall in love with someone who's so nasty towards him.  is it that he wants to fall in love and the fact that she's carrying his kid, makes her more appealing to him?

also...the wedding scene.

i understand that you're trying to paint the wedding scene as if jamie's the one getting married.  right when the camera stops on jamie, we know that it isn't her wedding day (because she's in her bridesmaid's dress), so there's no surprise element there like in the script.  i don't know if that makes sense.  

in other words, i don't know if i'd build up the whole part of jamie walking down the aisle.   if this were filmed--she'd be in a different colored dress.  MAYBE--if the CLOSE UP was only on jamie's face as she walked down (but she wouldn't be wearing a veil...)

plus, it doesn't really make sense to have shawn as the best man (or one of the groomsmen).  they didn't have an established relationship in the film.  it would have made more sense to have fletcher standing by him.  

all in all, you possess some strong writing capabilities.  you paint a vivid picture of how these characters are and they're all different, which makes the story very interesting.  

you know how to tell a good story!
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you!

I wish I was able to update the script on this site.  I sent this script off to a professional reader for coverage and he gave me a ton of excellent suggestions.  I've since rewritten it and most of what you covered above has since been removed.  The dynamic between Fletcher and Jamie is handled much better in the new draft.  Spencer's character has been removed completely.  Plus there's a lot more scenes with Jamie and Shawn.  The birth of the baby is totally different as well.  She ends up giving birth in her car stuck in traffic on the freeway on the way to the hospital.  Fletcher ends up arriving just in the nick of time and delivers the baby, much to Shawn's relief.  Then Shawn and Fletcher have a little moment where they kind of realize that Jamie is in love with Shawn and that Fletcher will never be more than the baby's father and a good friend.

Anway, thanks for giving it a read and for the compliments.  I really appreciate it!

Kim
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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Sure!  i find your stories very enjoyable!  i know you uploaded another story in the last week, but i haven't had a chance to read it.  
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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That's so nice of you to say.  Thanks so much.  I sent in a supernatural thriller/horror called Guilt but I don't think it has popped up  yet.  
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I take that back.  It is up in the horror section.  It's not really heavy in the horror department, but I figured that was the best place for it since the subject material is pretty dark.
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lalaindahouse
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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i hafta ask:  are you a full-time writer?  

i write whenever i get a chance, but time has been so slim recently.  i have a short called, "office romance" (if you feel so inclined ) and i'm in the middle of a feature-length comedy.  now, i want to start on another feature, but time eludes me, unfortunately .

i just ask, because you seem to turn out scripts left and right, which is great!  
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screen_dreamer
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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I guess you could say that.  My full time job is actually Mommy which allows me to spend a great portion of my day writing.  Where can I find your short script?
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Andrew
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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Kim,

It's on the off chance that I got reading here, but this is a real 'grabber' from the start. My initial reservation - from the logline - was it resembled 'Knocked Up' but your writing is excellent and this drew me in to investigate if my scepticism was justified.

Really liked the way you drew the characters in the dreams from Jamie's real-life. The purpose they served in the dream was pretty much - give or take - what they did in the dream. That was a very nice touch.

Btw, I loved how you introduced so much of the relationship between Tiffany and Jamie with this:


Quoted Text

One of Jamieís rehearsed expressions lights up her face.
Only a trained eye could differentiate it from genuine
surprise.



Quoted Text

TIFFANY
Happy Birthday!
(whispers in her ear)
Who told you?


Lovely little tactic.

Commenting-as-I-go here. Jamie reminds me of Ginnifer Goodwin's character in 'He's Just Not That Into You' - is that intentional? At this stage, I am not sure if that's positive or not, 'cos we don't want her to be too similar, y'know. Having said that, it's kind of a stereotypical character, I guess. The key is to how you differentiate from that. Onwards with my reading for discovery.

Early on, it's so clear that you have invested a lot of thought and time into this script - and that shows. Now, this type of script/film isn't my number 1 genre per se, but I am being drawn in. That's down to your writing and clear consideration. I don't this is intended as groundbreaking script, but rather an entertaining feel-good that will slot right into a fall (always amuses me when Americans say that) release slate. I can literally see this script as a film in front of me - well, not literally, but you know what I mean. Anyway, enough talk - I'm just going to read right through now. My only caveat being to drop in notes that I must unload for fear of forgetting them!

Page 36: and this is an exceptional script. My one gripe is why are they going to get down and dirty? Wouldn't a more clinical means be employed - a bit of the ol' artificial insemination? Now, you will probably have addressed this at some point to come, but it seems a glaring one to have not touched on right now. It is 02.33 here in ol' Blighty, so I may have just missed something earlier. Having said that, I believe it to be the correct decision for your script, but a subtle reference to it would just tighten up the only issue I have thus far.


Quoted Text

WE PAN to the alarm clock beside the bed --
8:35 - MOANING is heard in the background.
9:07 - MOANING continues.
9:25 - More MOANING.
9:58 - MOANING reaches a crescendo, then silence.


Again, nice visual and tactic to progress the story.

No idea why, but all I can see is Gerard Butler as Shawn - who do you have in mind?

Chucking in Fletcher - such a smart move.

Kim, so convinced of your abilities at page 55, I took your name to IMDb and found a 'Kim Britt' there with 'Thanks'. It must be you...? Clearly you are a very, very talented writer.

Page 64: Lovely little sleight of hand - I was actually very suspenseful as to which of them would be the doc. Shawn is a joker and could have easily distorted his name - good work. Considering your setup to keeping it a secret from Fletch, it makes sense to be him, but - intentional or not? - you pulled the wool over my eyes.

Page 70: Ahhh, lovely payoff with Spencer - he seemed a bit rogue to this point.

Gripe no. 2, Shawn has been missing for a long time, and with my hunch he's pivotal to the ending, it just feels too long.

Page 87: There's definitely some confusion now as to who Jamie is supposed to be drawn to. Shawn or Fletcher? That's a bit of a problem - I mean, it's good to keep the reader/audience guessing, but this is maybe a step too far.

Haha, I was halfway down the page, and who appears as I resume - freaky!

Page 90: I definitely feel like you are creating the which-one-will-she-go-for vibe, (?) but Shawn needs an entrance before page 87 to justify that teasing of the audience, I think.


Quoted Text

SHAWN
Hi, Iím Shawn. The father.
Fletcher doesnít accept the hand shake. Turns to Jamie.
FLETCHER
You wanna tell him, or should I?
SHAWN
Tell me what?
FLETCHER
Iím Fletcher. The father.


The icing on the proverbial. Great scene.


Quoted Text

FLETCHER
Bye, Shawn. Better luck next time.


Fletcher seems a little inconsistent with his actions as above quote - I think - shows. Now, I can see why 'cos it helps facilitate the tension to eventually bring Shawn and Jamie together, but I think it's a struggle to mitigate the two factors: 1) He's a viable alternative to Shawn, and 2) He's horrible enough to justify her choosing of Shawn. Personally, I think there needs to be some work on Fletcher to make that transition a bit smoother. Maybe he has some split personality thing going on? Like he is actually diagnosed as such.

Re: Jamie's office departure - Jeraldine Maguire? Sorry, bad joke, but it just reminded me of that scene in 'Jerry Maguire', which happens to be one of my faves.

Finished!

I really, really like how you've finished the script. The revelation with Fletcher, gave his character more depth, but I just feel like the road to get there - as I stated above - is a bit murky as it stands.

Also, 118-pages feels quite long, and some fat seemed there from the Jeraldine Maguire (sorry, I couldn't resist) exit through to the Shawn/Jamie declaration of love. That whole scene felt a little rushed as well, and didn't have the punch I was hoping for.

In summary then, as I see it, the big problem at the moment is the mechanics of Fletcher, Shawn and Jamie, rather than the end place, which I think is perfect. Rather than me endlessly ruminating on it, I would really like to hear some of your views.

Terrific script, Kim - really great work.

Andrew

P.S. It didn't feel like 'Knocked Up' at all!

P.P.S and an EDIT: Ignore my comments re: Page 64 - clearly you hadn't intended for the doc to be ambiguous, as it's in your logline! My bad. Official excuse is tiredness - it's now 04.56 here in the UK!



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Andrew  -  August 19th, 2009, 12:56am
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screen_dreamer
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Andrew,

Thank you so much for your in depth analysis.  


Quoted Text
Jamie reminds me of Ginnifer Goodwin's character in 'He's Just Not That Into You' - is that intentional?


No, it wasn't.  I saw the movie, but I'll have to watch it again to see if I notice what you're referring to.  Thanks for pointing that out.


Quoted Text
I can literally see this script as a film in front of me - well, not literally, but you know what I mean


I'm glad you could b/c I could while I was writing it, moreso than any other script I've written, and I'm written a lot lol  I had to keep reminding myself that it was a script and not a movie  


Quoted Text
Wouldn't a more clinical means be employed - a bit of the ol' artificial insemination?


Good point and I address that in the newest draft.  Jamie makes a point to mention to Tiffany that a friend of hers went to a sperm bank and she had an awful experience so Jamie is determined to do it "the old fashioned way"


Quoted Text
No idea why, but all I can see is Gerard Butler as Shawn - who do you have in mind?


I always saw Shawn as someone younger than the Jamie and Fletcher characters.  Someone not quite as mature as the rest, kwim.  I actually have a dream cast in my head and I'm probably embarrassing myself by giving it out, but what the heck.  And for the record, I KNOW I could never get these people:

Jamie - Isla Fisher
Shawn - Jake Gyllenhaal
Fletcher - Josh Lucas
Tiffany - Connie Nielson
Spencer - Jeffrey Dean Morgan


Quoted Text
I took your name to IMDb and found a 'Kim Britt' there with 'Thanks'


By far the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.  To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever IMDB'd me before.  Major ego boost!  Alas, it's not me.


Quoted Text
Page 64: Lovely little sleight of hand - I was actually very suspenseful as to which of them would be the doc.


That actually didn't make it into the new draft.  I was told by a reviewer that the point of view change was odd and didn't make sense.


Quoted Text
Shawn has been missing for a long time, and with my hunch he's pivotal to the ending, it just feels too long.


In the rewrite, there's a lot more Shawn in it, and earlier on, too.  Good pick up!


Quoted Text
There's definitely some confusion now as to who Jamie is supposed to be drawn to. Shawn or Fletcher?


I sent the script for professional coverage and my reader said he wanted to see more of a love triangle.  So it's intentional that you not know who she picks until the end.  It's even more apparent in the rewrite.


Quoted Text
Personally, I think there needs to be some work on Fletcher to make that transition a bit smoother.


Excellent point.  I decided that Shawn was too "perfect" and needed to be given a few flaws and Fletcher was too asshole-y and needed to be softened up a bit.  So I believe I accomplished all this in the latest draft.


Quoted Text
Jamie's office departure - Jeraldine Maguire? Sorry, bad joke, but it just reminded me of that scene in 'Jerry Maguire', which happens to be one of my faves.


LMAO!  Ok, you caught me.  I totally LOVE that scene.  Quoting Jerry: "I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do... which is flip out".  So funny!  I left this scene in on the rewrite, but if it's too similar or too familiar, I could remove it.


Quoted Text
Also, 118-pages feels quite long


The new draft is 115.  Still long by rom/com standards, but I'm working on that and hope to one day get it to under 110.


So thanks again for the excellent review.  I would have loved to have gotten your opinion on the rewrite.   Perhaps I'll post it in the future when this one fades out lol

Kim
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Andrew
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Kim,


Quoted from screen_dreamer
Good point and I address that in the newest draft.  Jamie makes a point to mention to Tiffany that a friend of hers went to a sperm bank and she had an awful experience so Jamie is determined to do it "the old fashioned way"


This is all you needed to cover that small point. Nice one.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
I always saw Shawn as someone younger than the Jamie and Fletcher characters.  Someone not quite as mature as the rest, kwim.  I actually have a dream cast in my head and I'm probably embarrassing myself by giving it out, but what the heck.  And for the record, I KNOW I could never get these people:

Jamie - Isla Fisher
Shawn - Jake Gyllenhaal
Fletcher - Josh Lucas
Tiffany - Connie Nielson
Spencer - Jeffrey Dean Morgan


It shows the level to which you have thought this - don't be embarrassed. Btw, that would be a great cast.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
I sent the script for professional coverage and my reader said he wanted to see more of a love triangle.  So it's intentional that you not know who she picks until the end.  It's even more apparent in the rewrite.


Definitely think the 'triangle' is the way forward. My only real issue was that it didn't feel fairly weighted in how you presented, but it seems you have tackled that now.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
LMAO!  Ok, you caught me.  I totally LOVE that scene.  Quoting Jerry: "I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do... which is flip out".  So funny!  I left this scene in on the rewrite, but if it's too similar or too familiar, I could remove it.


Haha! I love it when movies pay in-move homage to great films, so I loved the connect here. Haha, yeh, that whole section from the restaurant through to the in-lift "You complete me" was gold.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
The new draft is 115.  Still long by rom/com standards, but I'm working on that and hope to one day get it to under 110.


Definitely think that would be the way forward.


Quoted from screen_dreamer
So thanks again for the excellent review.  I would have loved to have gotten your opinion on the rewrite.   Perhaps I'll post it in the future when this one fades out lol


The pleasure was all mine. Great script and I look forward to seeing this on the big screen 'cos I think it has masses of potential. Btw, would love to read the new draft, given half the chance!

Andrew



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screen_dreamer
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Andrew,

Thanks again for all your kind words.  I went though the script again last night with a fine tooth comb.  I'm getting it ready to go back to the coverage place.  I'm desperately trying to get a consider so I can use it as a marketing tool.  I haven't been able to generate any reads from this thing.  Perhaps my logline needs some sprucing up or maybe even a new title.  Any suggestions?

Btw, if you wanted to read the new draft I could email it to you.  Unless you were just trying to be polite.  Don't feel obligated to, though.  You've done more than enough already.

Oh and I unfortunately took out the "Jamie McGuire" scene.  I think you were right about it being too similar.  Instead I have Jamie write up a letter of resignation where she says all those nasty things about Brentwood and then she makes a bunch of copies and hands it around the office lol  Same effect but without ripping off a great movie!

Kim
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lalaindahouse
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i like the title!  i think you should keep it, unless if there's another big movie of the same name.  

and i would have to agree with andrew, you're a very talented writer.  i read, "better have loved" and that was a well-written script as well!
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