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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Ezekiel Spelling Moderators: bert
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  Author    Ezekiel Spelling  (currently 5554 views)
Kevin Loughnane
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Oops sorry forgot to mention the title!
I know others have said the same and I'm afraid I agree.
Just don't like it.  You need to find something that rolls off the tongue better!
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jap313
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Jackx.  Thanks for the review.  Great points about the title.  You even predicted the Amish joke.

Iíve been trying to think of a catchy title.  Since the History Channel thing is catchy, Iíve been trying to incorporate it into the title, like: Rising Historical Actor.  What do you think about that?

Quoted from jackx
I agree the relationship comes along a bit too easy.  I like him being charming, but maybe she should be a bit more stressed/distracted.  Make him work for it a bit more, doubt himself a little.


Quoted from jackx
funny so far, but could use a little more narrative drive.  Whats really at stake?  Just zekes pride?  Maybe he should be running out of money, etc.  raise the stakes and the conflict.

I see what youíre saying about the relationship coming too easily.  I did it like that to make the arrival of Claireís boyfriend, Drew, more powerful.  I think the doubting-self comment is very good.  At that point, Zeke should be doubting his life choices.  This brings me to the conflict.  Youíre Zeke-running-out-of-money comment is great.  Iím working on ideas right now, and Iím thinking Zeke should want to go home to Mississippi and give up his dream.  Maybe Ben convinces him to stay for this one last documentary.

Great comments,
JP

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
jap313  -  October 24th, 2010, 9:26pm
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jap313
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kevin.  I really appreciate the detailed review.

I love Chuck, too.  Heís the definitely the easiest character to write for; I had several lines that I hated to cut, but I had to because they didn't fit anywhere.  

Quoted from Kevin Loughnane
P53 - Drew's never met a person he didn't like - audience will not know this so delete! Like the ones I mentioned above, these are director notes, and therefore don't need to appear in your script.

Now for the length.  Iíve been really concerned about that, and Iím thrilled you focused on it.  Youíre comments are absolutely great.  Especially the one about director notes.  Iím fairly new to screenwriting and that comment really cleared up how to write descriptions.  Iím working on creating more conflict, and Iím worried about length.  Youíre notes are definitely going to help when it comes to a rewrite.

Thanks,
JP
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jackx
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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p 54 you have claire and dave "continue to catch up"  the way it is right after zeke walking away and ben following makes it a tad confusing you mean catch up as in talk.  might change it to chat or whatever.  or just put it above the other paragraph.

They're talking about blow guns, then suddenly about bows?  inconsistent with the killing of the tree frog.


Mine:
HARD CASE
††††††††††† (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
††††††††††† (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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jap313
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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Nice catch.  I'll make the change.
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Trojan
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Finished reading your script. It was good enough that I was able to make it through to the end, but I don't agree that it's good enough that you should be trying to shop this around. Honestly, it needs a lot of work. But there is some potential there that you could turn it into something decent.

As others have said, you need to cut at least 20 but preferably 30 pages from this. The first way to lose some pages is with your actual writing. There are so many things that are over-described and unneccessary. You have a habit of writing some action, and then telling us what it means. The actions speak for themselves, you don't need
to add notes on what is going on.

Let me give you an example from right at the end of the script. Page 124, when Zeke is performing. You have 'The crowd laughs and applauds, really appreciating Zeke's routine.' You don't need to write 'really appreciating Zeke's routine' as the laughter and applause shows us this. Give the reader some credit. There are many, many
similar instances throughout your script, and if you tightened this up you'll save a few pages immediately.

You've also got quite a lot of errors in here. Misspelled words, grammar and punctuation errors, missing words or extra words. No worse than most of the scripts you see on here but a long way from being of a professional enough standard. A few good edits and you should pick up the majority of them without much problem.

But the biggest problem I had with this was the lack of structure and focus in the story. It's all over the place at the moment, and that's the main reason you have all these extra pages, is you're unsure what you should be focusing on.

Are you familiar with the three Act structure? I was reading this waiting for something to happen, for things to kick off in another direction and into the second Act. But it never really came. Until about page 40 when Claire tells Zeke that he should write a screenplay. To me, that felt like the end of Act one. Which is way too late at 40 pages in. But then you didn't really capitalize on that and things pretty much just stayed the same, only a couple of times do we see a glimpse of him writing.

So I'm thinking, what is he trying to achieve? What is his main goal driving the story forward? And there really isn't one. Or at least, it is so unfocused that the story sort of veers off in different directions. You have him wanting to be an actor, wanting to be a comedian, wanting to be a writer. I think you need to decide what his dream is and just focus on that one thing. I would consider losing the stand-up parts altogether and just focus on him being an actor who then writes a screenplay to write a part for himself. How long has he been doing comedy anyway? It reads like he has been doing it awhile, but can't get past doing open mic nights. We never really find out if he's any good or not. The first time we see him the audience are laughing, but the routine itself is pretty terrible IMO. Doesn't really gel for me. But in terms of character arc and story progession, it would be better to see him bomb the first time and get better as the script progresses.

You have a lot of pointless scenes and characters here IMO. When you are at 126 pages you can't afford to carry dead weight. Power Rangers? Lose it. His scenes at work with Allan? Lose them. You probably won't want to hear this but I'd even consider losing Chuck altogether. He doesn't bring a lot to the table and exists merely as a
plot device in your story. He doesn't feel real in that you haven't given him any clear goals or direction here.

I was waiting at the end to see Chuck reconcile with his father and have them come together, but it didn't happen. I don't even know why they have problems in the 1st place. But when you have these minor characters and subplots you have to tie things up with them as well, and you haven't done that. How has Chuck grown here? What
is his character arc? There isn't one. I mean, I can't buy that he is the son of a billionaire and needs to live with two nobodies he has never even met, but that is besides the point. Even in this unlikely scenario, he still has to feel like a real person and have something to aspire to. There were no real scenes between he and Claire
or his father so it felt strange. Either give him his own storyline and wrap it up at the end or just cut him out of the story altogether.

Most of your characters all sound alike. Like it is you speaking through them rather than them speaking themselves. Ben and Zeke are incredibly similar. The way Claire speaks sounds similar to them both at times as well. Chuck and Drew are very inconsistent in their actions and dialogue. So one minute they sound in character
and the next it seems they have morphed into Ben or Zeke. Let me give you an example of this. You set Drew up as this goody-two-shoes guy who is out trying to save the world. A real sincere guy who is not funny or witty. So that's his character, cool. You need to stay consistent with that. The problem comes when they are out hunting and he says the holocaust joke about stacking the deer on top of each other. It's an insensitive joke and not what you would expect from a guy like him. So it feels fake. It sounds like something Ben might say (similar to his 'I'll take care of the homeless' joke), that's what I mean about them sounding too similar. One minute Drew is making holocaust jokes but later on he acts offended about the one-armed kid swimming in circles? It doesn't make sense. Don't sacrifice character to put in a joke.

While we are on Drew, he is too passive in regards to Zeke that I don't really buy it. This guy is in his late 20s, older than Zeke, but for some unknown reason desperately wants his approval. Why? He also doesn't seem to mind when Zeke is obviously trying to steal his woman away. And still worries about whether Zeke thinks he is funny or cool. There is a lack of conflict here, as there is throughout the script. Why not have Drew try and be friends with Zeke at first but when he finds out Zeke is in love with Claire, then things get hostile between them? Make him feel like a real person rather than a caricature. Even at the end when Claire tells Drew she doesn't love him, he accepts this way too easily. She is his fiancee! Let's see some emotion or outburst from him. All he does is tell her Zeke is a great guy, WTF? Sorry, but this doesn't work well.

I'm not sure what happens at the end. When Claire goes into the comedy club and sees him, are they already together or is this the start of them getting together. Because we don't see any sort of conversation that involves Claire telling Zeke that she left Drew and wants to be with him, and they are acting as if they assume
they are automatically together. So you have missed a golden opportunity to inject some tension here, to have the reader wonder what will happen between them. Not to mention the first kiss between them. It's like every time you have a chance to put some conflict into your story or some dramatic tension you decide against it and just skip ahead. I mean, the horoscope thing is actually not bad, but why not push things further and have him actually make a move on her and SHOW them finally hooking up?

Here's what I think you should do. Clearly define what your logline is and what the main goal for Zeke will be. Break this up into 3 Acts and try to get it into 100 pages. Which means by page 25 you need to have set everything up and progressed into your second Act. You have a lot of set-ups here and then not paid them off, which is just cluttering your script. The whole Michael Scott thing and being an uber-producer never really comes into play. Not to reconcile with Chuck or not even to provide an opportunity for the guys to try and get acting gigs through him. You are missing some great opportunities here to utilize your characters fully.

How about if Claire offered Zeke a job writing the screenplay for her new documentary, thus propelling us into Act two. But then at the hunting trip Zeke comes in contact with Michael Scott, who offers Zeke a job in one of his movies. All of a sudden Zeke has a decision to make. Follow his brain to land a role in this movie which could make his dream come true, or follow his heart and pursue the girl. It provides some conflict and anytime you put your protagonist in a position where he needs to make a tough decision it goes a long way to showing us who he really is. What if Claire was at odds with her father because she doesn't like his movies and sees them as selling out, while she is focused on creating art. More conflict. Or her finding out Zeke was only interested in talking to her to worm his way in to try and meet her father. Look for opportunities to put your characters in tough situations and see how they resolve them. Even when things are the most bleak here for Zeke they still could be worse. Add more conflict and drama and step things up a level.

Just a note on your scene construction. It feels like there wasn't much thought put into how you ended a lot of your scenes here. You want to end them on a high note, preferably with something funny since this is a comedy. A lot of your scenes run on too long with pointless dialogue which really adds nothing. Like on page 62, where
Chuck leaves and they say they like him being around and that he's a good guy. Really not necessary to have this here and doesn't exit the scene on a high point or anything funny.

Overall the dialogue needs some work. The highlight is when Zeke and Claire are flirting, and the dialogue from Zeke in particular is funny and feels real. But at other times it is very wooden and on the nose. There's a lot of exposition going on here in your dialogue. Not going to list every example but go through and say it out loud and see how a lot of it sounds. Would two people who knew each other really well (Zeke and Ben) speak like this? It's too formal in many parts and seems like you have focused on how it reads rather than how it sounds.

Some of the jokes seem forced. The whole part about Ben worrying that Sarah is early is strange. I just can't believe that a man of his age would not know that a girl isn't pregnant after she's just had her period. Especially as Ben hasn't been set up as dumb, so it just feels like you have tried to force this joke in there at the expense of character consistency. The same with the Mike's Hard Lemonade bit. To me that was the worst joke in the whole script, it made me cringe. Not Drew's joke about it, rather that Claire is going to say 'I need some Mike's hard in me' or whatever it was. Just way too convenient a setup and it doesn't ring true at all. I think your idea of having Drew try to crack a bad joke and Claire telling him he doesn't need to be funny is good, just the way you have executed it does not work well IMO. Try something more subtle and believable. I'd also suggest losing the Nazi girl sex scene. Only because you have already done a few Nazi jokes and it's getting repetitive and a bit odd. Find another kink for this girl to have so you can use a fresh joke.

There's other things but I don't want to overload you with too much information. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trashing your script, I'm not. I thought it was good for a first draft and there are obvious things that need to be worked on. Just don't want you to get the wrong idea that this script is good enough as is and you should be looking to get it into the hands of producers yet. There's a heap of expertly written, very funny comedy specs out there. Your work needs to be of that standard to have a chance, not just better than most of the scripts posted on this site. Good luck with it, hopefully you find some of this advice useful.

Cheers,
Tim.
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jap313
Posted: October 31st, 2010, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the detailed read, Trojan!  I believe I still have a little ways to go with the script also.  Right now, I feel the biggest thing going for E.S. is the struggling-History-Channel-actor theme.

Quoted from Trojan
As others have said, you need to cut at least 20 but preferably 30 pages from this. The first way to lose some pages is with your actual writing. There are so many things that are over-described and unneccessary. You have a habit of writing some action, and then telling us what it means. The actions speak for themselves, you don't need to add notes on what is going on.

Yeah, my descriptions are over written a bit.  Honestly, this is because Iím still learning the craft.  When I was writing, I thought it was great, but now I see whatís wrong with it.  At least Iíll be able to whittle down some of the pages.  

Quoted from Trojan
You've also got quite a lot of errors in here. Misspelled words, grammar and punctuation errors, missing words or extra words. No worse than most of the scripts you see on here but a long way from being of a professional enough standard. A few good edits and you should pick up the majority of them without much problem.

Iíve corrected the typos that readerís have pointed out, but I just didnít think I should post a corrected script until I did a rewrite.  However, I think Iím going to go ahead and post a corrected script.

Quoted from Trojan
Are you familiar with the three Act structure? I was reading this waiting for something to happen, for things to kick off in another direction and into the second Act. But it never really came. Until about page 40 when Claire tells Zeke that he should write a screenplay. To me, that felt like the end of Act one. Which is way too late at 40 pages in. But then you didn't really capitalize on that and things pretty much just stayed the same, only a couple of times do we see a glimpse of him writing.

Yeah, Iím familiar with the three Act structure.  Hereís a brief description of what I used.  The first act shows Zekeís struggles and his desperation to ďmake itĒ in Hollywood.  Zeke and Ben talk about star-fucking, and Ben gets Zeke the job on Claireís documentary so Zeke can use her to further his career.  Then Zeke falls for Claire when he first sees her.  This sets up the question, will Zeke get the girl?  Thatís the end of the first act.

The second act is Zeke chasing after Claire.  The second act ends when Zeke embarrasses himself at the awards show.  This is when Claire tells Zeke off for the final time (we think).

In the third act, Zeke gets everything together and continues to grind on.  At the end, heís a little bit more successful than when he started.  Heís now a headliner at the comedy club, and heís got bigger roles on the History Channel.  This is when Claire realizes sheís in love with Zeke and pursues him.


Quoted from Trojan
So I'm thinking, what is he trying to achieve? What is his main goal driving the story forward? And there really isn't one. Or at least, it is so unfocused that the story sort of veers off in different directions. You have him wanting to be an actor, wanting to be a comedian, wanting to be a writer. I think you need to decide what his dream is and just focus on that one thing. I would consider losing the stand-up parts altogether and just focus on him being an actor who then writes a screenplay to write a part for himself. How long has he been doing comedy anyway? It reads like he has been doing it awhile, but can't get past doing open mic nights. We never really find out if he's any good or not. The first time we see him the audience are laughing, but the routine itself is pretty terrible IMO. Doesn't really gel for me. But in terms of character arc and story progession, it would be better to see him bomb the first time and get better as the script progresses.

I think itís essential that Zeke be a good comic.  This shows that Zeke has a lot of talent, but heís just having a hard time getting noticed.  Maybe the stand-up isnít the best, but I was limited there because of length, too.  Itís difficult to find quick, funny bits, but Iíll work on it.  In my defense, stand-up is not usually funny when itís read.  Stand-up is very performance driven.


Quoted from Trojan
You have a lot of pointless scenes and characters here IMO. When you are at 126 pages you can't afford to carry dead weight. Power Rangers? Lose it. His scenes at work with Allan? Lose them. You probably won't want to hear this but I'd even consider losing Chuck altogether. He doesn't bring a lot to the table and exists merely as a plot device in your story. He doesn't feel real in that you haven't given him any clear goals or direction here.

I had several themes in the story.  I wanted to show hierarchies.  1.) Ben was the man at the H-channel, but at the lodge, Channing belittled him. 2.) In turn, Ben and Zeke looked down on the Power Rangers.  3.) Zeke is always low in the hierarchy, i.e. Gill calls him an extra

I also wanted to show everyone trying to star-fuck. 1.) The one-night-stand Blonde in the beginning slept with Zeke and asked him if he could get her a part on the Valkyrie doc.  2.) Ben and Zeke were going to use Chuck and Claire to further their careers by getting to their dad.  They discovered that Chuck didnít have a good relationship with his dad, so that didnít work out.  Chuck actually ended up using Ben to get parts. 3.) Of course, Zeke fell in love with Claire, and he only focused on getting with her.  The idea at the end was that Zeke and Ben are too nice to star-fuck.



Quoted from Trojan
I was waiting at the end to see Chuck reconcile with his father and have them come together, but it didn't happen. I don't even know why they have problems in the 1st place. But when you have these minor characters and subplots you have to tie things up with them as well, and you haven't done that. How has Chuck grown here? What is his character arc? There isn't one. I mean, I can't buy that he is the son of a billionaire and needs to live with two nobodies he has never even met, but that is besides the point. Even in this unlikely scenario, he still has to feel like a real person and have something to aspire to. There were no real scenes between he and Claire or his father so it felt strange. Either give him his own storyline and wrap it up at the end or just cut him out of the story altogether.

I just canít cut Chuck out of the script.  It would be like cutting Allan out of The Hangover.  As I said earlier, Chuck is an example of someone star-fucking.  I donít really think a reconciliation with his father is needed.  

Quoted from Trojan
While we are on Drew, he is too passive in regards to Zeke that I don't really buy it. This guy is in his late 20s, older than Zeke, but for some unknown reason desperately wants his approval. Why? He also doesn't seem to mind when Zeke is obviously trying to steal his woman away. And still worries about whether Zeke thinks he is funny or cool. There is a lack of conflict here, as there is throughout the script. Why not have Drew try and be friends with Zeke at first but when he finds out Zeke is in love with Claire, then things get hostile between them? Make him feel like a real person rather than a caricature. Even at the end when Claire tells Drew she doesn't love him, he accepts this way too easily. She is his fiancee! Let's see some emotion or outburst from him. All he does is tell her Zeke is a great guy, WTF? Sorry, but this doesn't work well.

I wanted to make Drew too nice of a guy.  I believe making him a nice guy makes better comedy than the more common theme of asshole-guy-dates-dream-girl.  For example, in  the woods, Zeke says, ďThat Drewís an asshole right?Ē ďActually, he seems like a pretty good guy.Ē  ďGod, I know it.Ē

I wanted Drew to envy Zeke and always look to him for approval.  Drew is envious because heís the type of guy that canít tell a joke.  Throughout the script heís called unfunny, but Claire tells him that itís alright to be unfunny.  This eats at him and puts so much pressure on him that he ends up telling inappropriate jokes.

When I finished the script, there were two areas that I thought were obviously weak.  One was the break-up scene with Drew and Claire and the other was the stand-up ending.  I now picture the break-up very differently.  Like, Drew sobbing uncontrollably or something.


Quoted from Trojan
I'm not sure what happens at the end. When Claire goes into the comedy club and sees him, are they already together or is this the start of them getting together. Because we don't see any sort of conversation that involves Claire telling Zeke that she left Drew and wants to be with him, and they are acting as if they assume they are automatically together. So you have missed a golden opportunity to inject some tension here, to have the reader wonder what will happen between them. Not to mention the first kiss between them. It's like every time you have a chance to put some conflict into your story or some dramatic tension you decide against it and just skip ahead. I mean, the horoscope thing is actually not bad, but why not push things further and have him actually make a move on her and SHOW them finally hooking up?

I agree that Claire and Zeke should finally hook-up.  Right now, itís sort of unfulfilling.  


Quoted from Trojan
How about if Claire offered Zeke a job writing the screenplay for her new documentary, thus propelling us into Act two. But then at the hunting trip Zeke comes in contact with Michael Scott, who offers Zeke a job in one of his movies. All of a sudden Zeke has a decision to make. Follow his brain to land a role in this movie which could make his dream come true, or follow his heart and pursue the girl. It provides some conflict and anytime you put your protagonist in a position where he needs to make a tough decision it goes a long way to showing us who he really is.

Thatís a very interesting idea.  Definitely could work.

Quoted from Trojan
Just a note on your scene construction. It feels like there wasn't much thought put into how you ended a lot of your scenes here. You want to end them on a high note, preferably with something funny since this is a comedy. A lot of your scenes run on too long with pointless dialogue which really adds nothing. Like on page 62, where Chuck leaves and they say they like him being around and that he's a good guy. Really not necessary to have this here and doesn't exit the scene on a high point or anything funny.

I ended the scene there to show that Zeke and Ben are too nice to star-fuck.

Quoted from Trojan
Overall the dialogue needs some work. The highlight is when Zeke and Claire are flirting, and the dialogue from Zeke in particular is funny and feels real. But at other times it is very wooden and on the nose. There's a lot of exposition going on here in your dialogue. Not going to list every example but go through and say it out loud and see how a lot of it sounds. Would two people who knew each other really well (Zeke and Ben) speak like this? It's too formal in many parts and seems like you have focused on how it reads rather than how it sounds.

The Claire dialogue is actually almost word-for-word conversations that Iíve had with girls.  I can see that some of the dialogue feels on the nose.  I havenít read E.S. in a while because I wanted to set it down for a bit, but I could see some woodenness in the opening scenes.

Quoted from Trojan
There's other things but I don't want to overload you with too much information. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trashing your script, I'm not. I thought it was good for a first draft and there are obvious things that need to be worked on. Just don't want you to get the wrong idea that this script is good enough as is and you should be looking to get it into the hands of producers yet. There's a heap of expertly written, very funny comedy specs out there. Your work needs to be of that standard to have a chance, not just better than most of the scripts posted on this site. Good luck with it, hopefully you find some of this advice useful.

Again, thanks for the read, Tim.  Right now, Iím taking a break and writing an episode of The Office.  When I get back to E.S., Iíll definitely take in account your suggestions.  One is the focus on the conflict.  Itís sort of ambiguous now because there are two conflicts: will Zeke make it in Hollywood?  Will Zeke get with Claire?  Hopefully, Iíll work it out.

Cheers,
JP

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jcolon2
Posted: December 21st, 2010, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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I truly enjoyed this script. I read through the entire script this morning. My comments fall along the same line as everyone else.


"Art is literacy of the heart" Elliot Eisner
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jap313
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Thanks for the read, Justin.

I'm actually close to finishing a second draft.  I cut around thirty pages and created a tighter structure.  Hopefully, I'll have the new draft completed in a couple of weeks.

So guys, please hold up on the reads until i finish the new draft  

Thanks,
JP
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jcolon2
Posted: December 22nd, 2010, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Great, I cannot wait to read the second draft!


"Art is literacy of the heart" Elliot Eisner
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vinny
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well, im new to this script writting (and reading stuff), writting my frist script and all, and for the first time that i've been digging around this forums, for a couple of weeks now, i've read the whole script, i mean, you really got it going, i couldn't stop reading, and im not a big fan of comedy.

Kudos.
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jap313

I read a little bit and will finish it up, but I read through others thread around here and most of them is talking about the title. My suggestion is,

KEEP YOUR TITLE if it means something to you. It is as you mentioned about Moby Dick, the story is the main point... you can call it "poop" for all means and have a good backbone in the story.

The reason why your script attracted me is because my main character in my script have the same first name, but if it wasn't I still be curious about the script, because of the name. If it's still a hustle about the name just call it "EzS" or something.

Just adding something more about the length, if the story is good, clean and gripping it doesn't matter how long it is. I understand about cutting screenplays and stuff to sell or something, for me the only thing I see is just a lazy reader, and I don't care if your a professional from Hollywood or Bollywood....you can see it here on the board as well, were people just read the shorts and give them reviews because they don't want to sit through a 110+ pager and most of them good features falls through without notice because of that.

Cheers,
05c4r


Excuse My Writing, I'm french!
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jap313
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Vinny, thanks for the read.  Iím glad to hear that you liked it.  Iím close to finishing the second draft, and I believe itís A LOT better.  

Cheers,
JP
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jap313
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Oscar, thanks for the comments.  I kind of feel the same way as you about the title, but I think Iím going to change it because the second draft is not as focused on Zeke.  By the way, if you plan on reading ES, please wait until I finish the second draft.

As for the length, yeah some people are lazy about reading, but like you pointed out, thatís why itís important to have a shorter screenplay, to sell it.  I donít want anyone of importance to pass over the script because of the length.  My second draft is about thirty pages shorter.  Cutting actually helped GREATLY: helped structure, cut superfluous scenes, cut a lot of verbiage, etc.  Basically, shortening the script helped me, but there are many professionals with scripts over 120 pages.  The key word, though, is professionals.  I figure I should always shoot for 100 pages.  If I have to delete a scene that I believe is funny, I figured I could add it after it gets attention.

Thanks again for the comments.  Iíll give your script a read when I get a chance.

Take care,
JP
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 30th, 2010, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Greetings John,

Congrats on finishing the screenplay, feels good don't it?
Ack! I just read through the comments and see a second draft is on the way.
Heh, I already read through the first act.
I'll jot down a few thoughts anyway for posterity.

Overall, I like the idea, its kinda like "Funny People" if no one was famous or dying.
The documentary extra is a hook I have not seen used before.
Even better, its something easily understood by others, and that's a big bonus.
Personally, I don't care for stand up routines in fiction films.
It's a very polarizing scenario. When it works, it's gold.
But if the material the audience is roaring at is so-so, I get up and start laundry.
The only movie I've seen where it worked for me is Tom Hanks in "Punchline".

You have a solid grabber opening scene. Dropped me right into your world nicely.
Everyone is likable enough and I'm never bored, despite Act One being 41 pages.
And you wrap up the act well with tasking your protag to write his own ticket.
Sound story structure there, I like it long time.
I'm intrigued and want to know where the story is going to take me.

Here are a few scene specific notes from Act One:

p. 8 Didn't care for football skit, audience laughs lots, spell broken, almost lost me.
p. 25 Horoscope service made me LoL, nicely done.
p. 27 the spooge pillow grossed me out. =p Would the History Channel show that?
p. 34 Shiv stuffing on the outside LoL head shake. Chuck = Zack Galifinakas

Thanks for posting and good luck with the new draft!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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