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  Author    Ezekiel Spelling  (currently 5548 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2011, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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JP,

Went ahead and finished reading the first draft over the holiday for posterity.
It will help me go through your second draft, when it posts.
Overall, I felt you made some strides to bring your story together in the last forty pages.
I wasn't entirely convinced with Zeke and Clair as a couple, but the structure is there.
And if you've got the basic structure sorted, you can build up from there, my friend.
I liked the awards show idea, but I didn't care for how it was used.
The depression/rejection stuff felt too familiar to me. Seen it lots.
This might be a great point for Zeke to wallow in self pity in a way unique to him.
I saw Zeke using his anger and rejection as fuel for his stand up routines.
He finds success through turning his bitterness into entertainment.
So, he gets the break he wanted, but not in a way he ever thought he would get it.
In the end, Zeke is faced with a true dilemma...
Be successful but with a bitter heart that harbors resentment. Or...
Let it go and be true to yourself, regardless of the pain.
And the screenplay comes from that honest place.
Where did all this come from? Your awards show idea, which I really dug.
I thought it would be great to have Zeke host the show that Claire wins at.
Now that's irony and does not feel forced to me that they reunite over that moment.
It's quite a journey for both of them towards a potential reconciliation.  

Please don't take me the wrong way, I'd never tell you what to write.
Your structure and character are intriguing enough to inspire these thoughts.
So, I think you're onto something with your premise, stick to it!

Here are some scene specific notes:

p. 86 cyclops bitch, wow, nervous laugh for me, I dug it.
p. 90 Swimming in circles remark cracked me up.
p. 93 off screen Sarah break up is a missed opportunity that you set up earlier
p. 98 Ben and Zeke's argument did not work for me. I want to see some fire here.
        Zeke descends into bitterness and uses his sense of humor as a weapon.
p. 101 Shake weight pay off was good. LoL
p. 105 Like the Awards show idea, but I don't think you used it to the best end.
p. 107 Zeke needs to verbalize how he ruined Claire's moment. It was big for her.
p. 114 It's unclear to me why Drew seeks Zeke's approval. Seems childish almost.

Thanks again fro sharing and keep writing.
Looking forward to your new draft.

Regards,
E.D.




LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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jap313
Posted: January 3rd, 2011, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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E.D.,

Hey, I really appreciate you giving me this detailed of a review.  It definitely helps.

Quoted from E.D.
I liked the awards show idea, but I didn't care for how it was used.
The depression/rejection stuff felt too familiar to me. Seen it lots.
This might be a great point for Zeke to wallow in self pity in a way unique to him.
I saw Zeke using his anger and rejection as fuel for his stand up routines.
He finds success through turning his bitterness into entertainment.
So, he gets the break he wanted, but not in a way he ever thought he would get it.
In the end, Zeke is faced with a true dilemma...
Be successful but with a bitter heart that harbors resentment. Or...
Let it go and be true to yourself, regardless of the pain.
And the screenplay comes from that honest place.

These are both really good suggestions.  I too am worried that the self-pity bit is a little overused/clichť.  Thereís two moments where Claire turns Zeke down, and Iím worried that thatís maybe a bit repetitive; I made Zekeís reactions to turndowns different to make it less repetitive.  

Quoted from E.D.
I thought it would be great to have Zeke host the show that Claire wins at.
Now that's irony and does not feel forced to me that they reunite over that moment.
It's quite a journey for both of them towards a potential reconciliation.

I think thatís an excellent idea!  This will get rid of the repetitiveness and create a solid ending.  (Iím not sure if the ending works, still)

Quoted from E.D.
Where did all this come from? Your awards show idea, which I really dug.

I actually used an awards show ending in my first screenplay, State School.  Itís on the site somewhere, but itís very rough.  I plan on doing a rewrite one day but not soon.

Quoted from E.D.
Please don't take me the wrong way, I'd never tell you what to write.
Your structure and character are intriguing enough to inspire these thoughts.
So, I think you're onto something with your premise, stick to it!

Not at all.  The goal is to write the best screenplay that I can.  All comments, as long as their constructive, are welcome.  Trojan gave me a great idea that I incorporated in the new draft.

Quoted from E.D.
p. 86 cyclops b****, wow, nervous laugh for me, I dug it. [\quote]
Ha, I actually took this out.  Youíre the first to say you liked it.  I substituted this line with a couple from Chuck.
[quote=E.D.]p. 90 Swimming in circles remark cracked me up.

Thatís actually something that my friend really asked a lady after she told a heart-wrenching story about someone she grew up with!

Quoted from E.D.
p. 98 Ben and Zeke's argument did not work for me. I want to see some fire here.

Iíll watch this in the new draft.  The tone is almost the same.

Quoted from E.D.
p. 114 It's unclear to me why Drew seeks Zeke's approval. Seems childish almost.

I changed Drewís character completely.  I just couldnít make it work, him being a nice guy.

Thanks again.  Look forward to your thoughts on the new draft.

JP
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jap313
Posted: January 8th, 2011, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting the new draft, Don.  This site has really taught me a lot and has helped me grow as a writer.

Anyways, the new draft is twenty-six pages shorter, and I feel the plot and characters are more interesting.  

Thanks for all the reads,
JP
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 9th, 2011, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jap313
Thanks for posting the new draft, Don.  This site has really taught me a lot and has helped me grow as a writer.

Anyways, the new draft is twenty-six pages shorter, and I feel the plot and characters are more interesting.  

Thanks for all the reads,
JP


JP!

Congrats on finishing the new draft.
You've illustrated the most important tenet of writing...rewriting!
When I finish something I think, "That's it, I've got no more to give to it."
Then days or weeks pass and suddenly I think the draft is junk.
Let the rewrites begin! xD I'll put this back in my queue.

Looking forward to seeing your changes.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Trojan
Posted: January 10th, 2011, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hi John, I gave your 2nd draft a read. It definitely benefits from being shorter and I think overall the structure is much better here. I made a few notes for you.

Your first scene header on page one, you state that it's taking place in the 14th century. But unless I am missing something, it's only the set that's designed to look like the 14th century, so I would remove that from the slug. It's a bit confusing.

I don't know what the point of the Fight Club scenes are. I think it's fine to have them if they come into play at some point later on and influence the story, otherwise it is just very random and serves no purpose. What I was expecting was that those two guys would appear later in the story and knock Drew out to help Zeke. If that happened, then the scenes would be useful as they provide a set-up for the payoff. But because there is no payoff here it doesn't work, IMO.

I felt like the scene/jokes go on a little too long in regards to Chuck thinking he'd be sharing a bed with one of the guys. It was also a bit of a stretch for me to buy that he'd move into a house expecting to share a bed with another grown man, but it wasn't a big problem for me.

The King Henry masturbation scene seems a bit strange, in that I can't imagine the History Channel would be showing this.

When Michael meets Zeke for the 1st time, why does he ask him if he is the comedian? Where does he get this idea from, since in this draft Zeke has never done stand-up?

I mentioned this in the first draft review, the scene where Ben worries about the girl being early feels like you are trying to get a laugh here at the expense of character consistency. We've been given no reason up to this point to believe Ben is stupid, and a guy of his age would not think this. It feels like a joke you want to put in, but it's not something the character would say. That's really something you need to be careful of. The same for the scene where Ben talks about pleasuring men on the chat show. It feels like a forced joke and Ben is not so naive as to say that.

I didn't like the use of Nazi girl, because you have used the same jokes earlier with the deer hunting scene. Lay off the Hitler jokes and come up with something different here or it comes off as repetitive and IMO, unbelievable.

I think you need to develop the character of Sarah a little bit. Throughout the whole script I think she only has a couple lines, the rest of the time she is in the background or Ben is talking about her. She is basically a plot device. Think of ways that you could make her more interesting so that an actress would want to play this part. There is too much telling and not showing with her. For example, is it funnier to have Ben tell the guys that she brought up the topic of double penetration, or to actually show the scene where Sarah suggests it to Ben and we can see his reaction?

I think someone else mentioned a similarity to Wedding Crashers in some regards, and I can see that in some places. For instance, the character of Sarah here is similar to the Isla Fisher role of the over-sexed psycho. But what made that work was we saw her jacking him off at the dinner table, we saw her tying him up in bed. If Vince Vaughn just spent the whole time telling Owen Wilson that she wanted sex all the time, and we didn't see this visually, it wouldn't have worked nearly as well. I think you're quite heavy with dialogue here and there's some things you could simply show us to break things up a bit.

The character I had the biggest problem with was Drew. I don't think you really know what you want to do with him, and the result is he's very inconsistent. I see you mentioned that you tried to make him an asshole in this draft, but I don't know that you succeeded if that's your intention here. It's like you have him the same as from the first draft in parts, then you try to imply he's an asshole in other scenes. The thing is, you are way too subtle with this. The parts where we see him texting on the phone I assume are meant to imply he is texting/dating another girl. And the same where he kisses that girl on the nose. But you never come right out and show us he is cheating on Claire. If you want to make him an asshole, then show us how he is an asshole. Show him hitting on some other woman, actually kissing someone else, being a prick to people. But I still think he's way more of a nice guy than an asshole.

Sticking with the Wedding Crashers analogy, the Bradley Cooper character works well because he is a real asshole and we know for a fact he's cheating on the girl. The viewer has no doubt that they want to see this guy get his comeuppance and our hero should get the girl. But in your story, even though Claire has chemistry with Zeke, there is no real motivation for her to break up with Drew. And as the reader, we have no reason to dislike him. He calls Zeke an asshole after he declares his love for Clare, but that is what you would expect. Zeke is trying to steal his girl, he should be angry with him. But if we knew Drew was the asshole and was cheating on claire then that changes things.

As it is, Drew is a guy who is off trying to save the world. Not really unlikeable. But one minute you have him telling a story about the boy with one arm and how much of a humanitarian he is, yet 5 minutes later he is laughing and telling a story about a guy punching his girlfriend in the face. A complete 180, from nice guy to asshole. Do you see what I mean about him being inconsistent?

If it was me, I would have focused on the starfucking thing a bit more. I mean it is set up nicely early on with the chubby girl scene, where the subject of starfucking is introduced. You could have Ben ask him if his plan worked, and if the wrestler guy will be able to hook him up with some work, only for Zeke to confess that the chubby girl starfucked him and only slept with him hoping to get a part on one of the documentaries. Then Ben and Zeke decide that Zeke needs to step it up, that he needs to fuck someone who knows a really big star to help him get a really big job. Then they find out that Claire is working on the next documentary and is the daughter of the biggest movie producer in the world. Boom. There's the end of Act One and Zeke now has a clear goal. But he meets Claire and actually begins to fall for her. Now there is some real conflict here, as his goal (be in a movie) conflicts with his need (to be with Claire). You really want to have as much internal and external conflict in your stories as possible, and if they contradict each other, so much the better.

I mean look at it this way. You want things to get as bleak for your protagonsit as possible late in Act Two. Here it gets bad for Zeke because he confesses his love for Claire and does the whole vomiting at the award show thing. But is that the worst that could happen? What if Claire found out that Zeke set out with the intention of starfucking her to get in good with her father, and that she thought he was just manipulating her the whole time? How much worse would that be? Then in Act Three he has to confess that was his intention but that he gradually fell in love with her and she has changed him etc., you know how the speech goes. All I'm saying is that is a bigger hurdle to overcome and ultimately provides a lot more conflict.

And it would also provide a better hook for your logline. Something like this for example, 'A struggling actor, determined to sleep his way to the top, has to choose between love and his career when he falls for the daughter of the world's biggest movie producer.'

That's not the best example, but it's just off the top of my head. What it does provide though is a hook for your story and reveals the potential for conflict. When you are trying to sell your story you need to have something that people can grab onto. I just think that your title and logline are a little bit lacklustre. I mean if you titled this script Starfuckers you would immediately get more interest in it. (Not saying you should call it that, I'm just illustrating a point)

Overall though I think this is pretty good. It's certainly funny in parts and the basic structure is much better in this draft. The character of Chuck works better this time around and the way you have Michael trying to repair their relationship makes the story much better. The final scene where we see that the movie Chuck is in is one of his dad's movies is a nice touch.

That's all I have for now, best of luck with it.

Cheers,
Tim.
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jap313
Posted: January 10th, 2011, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from E.D.
You've illustrated the most important tenet of writing...rewriting!  
When I finish something I think, "That's it, I've got no more to give to it."
Then days or weeks pass and suddenly I think the draft is junk.
Let the rewrites begin! xD I'll put this back in my queue.

Ha yeah, itís kinda funny how that works, but every now and then you reread your work and think, ďthatís not too bad.Ē  Those moments are nice!

Look forward to your comments,
JP
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jap313
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Hi Tim, again thanks for the detailed review.  Your notes are going to be a great help with a rewrite.  I guess Iíll jump right inÖ

Thanks for the note on the slug.  I was curious about that.  Iíll take the 14th century out.

Quoted from Trojan
I don't know what the point of the Fight Club scenes are. I think it's fine to have them if they come into play at some point later on and influence the story, otherwise it is just very random and serves no purpose.

I thought the Fight Club scenes emphasized the lowness of Zekeís situation.  He has to deliver canisters to the degenerate pair, and later, during his depression, Zeke ends up watching porn with them.

Quoted from Trojan
The King Henry masturbation scene seems a bit strange, in that I can't imagine the History Channel would be showing this.

I need to rewrite this scene.  Electric Dreamer had this same comment.  Iíll quote my response.

Quoted from jap313
Ha, the pillow scene was difficult to write.  ďThe Mad Henry the EighthĒ show isnít a documentary, itís a show just like ďThe Tudors.Ē The sceneís actually a straight rip-off of an episode of ďThe Tudors.Ē  In the scene, you never see Henry jerking off or his splooge.  You just see his torso and see his arm making the motion.  At the end, you see him orgasm and then a servant stands revealing he was there the whole time holding a pillow.  While watching the show, I just thought Ďhow embarrassing for the extra.í  Thatís where the idea for the screenplay stemmed.  I didnít do too much to the scene in the rewrite.  Iíll take a look at it and try to make it more clear.


Quoted from Trojan
When Michael meets Zeke for the 1st time, why does he ask him if he is the comedian? Where does he get this idea from, since in this draft Zeke has never done stand-up?

I was trying to imply that Claire talked to Michael about the screenplay and that she said Zeke was really funny or something to the like.  Michael merely thought Zeke was a comedian.

Quoted from Trojan
I mentioned this in the first draft review, the scene where Ben worries about the girl being early feels like you are trying to get a laugh here at the expense of character consistency. We've been given no reason up to this point to believe Ben is stupid, and a guy of his age would not think this. It feels like a joke you want to put in, but it's not something the character would say.

I thought I set up Ben as stupid with the beating-off-whales scene.  In the least, I didnít set him up as smart.  The whole early thing came from an actual conversation I had with a friend.  He was twenty, and he really thought it was only good if girls were on time.

Quoted from Trojan
I think you need to develop the character of Sarah a little bit. Throughout the whole script I think she only has a couple lines, the rest of the time she is in the background or Ben is talking about her. She is basically a plot device. Think of ways that you could make her more interesting so that an actress would want to play this part. There is too much telling and not showing with her. For example, is it funnier to have Ben tell the guys that she brought up the topic of double penetration, or to actually show the scene where Sarah suggests it to Ben and we can see his reaction?

I agree, Sarah is underdeveloped.  I think Iíll do what you say and give her lines to make the Sarah sex talk less repetitive.  I tried to put in more visual jokes; the scene where Sarah straddles Ben on the gallows comes to mind.  Great suggestion with bringing in Sarah for the DP joke.

Quoted from Trojan
The character I had the biggest problem with was Drew. I don't think you really know what you want to do with him, and the result is he's very inconsistent. I see you mentioned that you tried to make him an a**hole in this draft, but I don't know that you succeeded if that's your intention here. It's like you have him the same as from the first draft in parts, then you try to imply he's an a**hole in other scenes. The thing is, you are way too subtle with this. The parts where we see him texting on the phone I assume are meant to imply he is texting/dating another girl. And the same where he kisses that girl on the nose. But you never come right out and show us he is cheating on Claire. If you want to make him an a**hole, then show us how he is an a**hole. Show him hitting on some other woman, actually kissing someone else, being a prick to people. But I still think he's way more of a nice guy than an a**hole.

As it is, Drew is a guy who is off trying to save the world. Not really unlikeable. But one minute you have him telling a story about the boy with one arm and how much of a humanitarian he is, yet 5 minutes later he is laughing and telling a story about a guy punching his girlfriend in the face. A complete 180, from nice guy to a**hole. Do you see what I mean about him being inconsistent?

I mightíve been too subtle trying to make Drew an asshole.  One thing I didnít want to do was to make him so much of an asshole that his relationship with Claire wouldnít be believable.  I went back and read the scene where Drew is talking about a guy punching his girlfriend in the face, and I see that I need to rewrite that part.  I was a little too forward there.  What I need to do with the one-arm-swimmer story is make it where Drew tells the story only to make himself look good.  Something like, ďSaheed made the team only after my inspiration.  In a way, I made the Olympic team.Ē

Quoted from Trojan
If it was me, I would have focused on the starfucking thing a bit more. I mean it is set up nicely early on with the chubby girl scene, where the subject of starfucking is introduced.

Great comments!  Iím not going to quote the two paragraphs for brevity, but I think Iím going to run with the star-fucking idea.  I already have some good ideas brewing.  Right now, this is basically a love story, and as you said, adding this will create much more internal and external conflict.  The star-fucking idea also gives a nice wrap-up ending.

Quoted from Trojan
And it would also provide a better hook for your logline. Something like this for example, 'A struggling actor, determined to sleep his way to the top, has to choose between love and his career when he falls for the daughter of the world's biggest movie producer.'

Definitely.  As you said, this adds more luster.  Maybe the title of ďCasting CouchĒ or something.

Again, thanks for the detailed read.  Your comments on the first draft helped a lot in forming a structure and getting me to this point.

Cheers,
JP







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vinny
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A new draft, great! stopping at page 3 right now, but i'll make sure to read it and get back to you...oh, on page 3:
"A GUY walks buy with FRIENDS."

i supose you meant by...cheers.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 20th, 2011, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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John,

I started in on your latest draft today, made it to page 33.
This overall feels much tighter, but still retains your comic touch.
I'm glad the football skit is history.
The screenplay idea feels a bit rushed, but I may change my mind as I read on.

Some scene specific notes:


p. 1 Lose the "14 century" in your slug. Narrator gives us that in very next line.
p. 3 "walks buy" methinks it be a typo
p. 5 Chubby Friend needs a name, feels odd she doesn't.
p. 18 I'm surprised no one asks if Zeke is related to "that Spelling". =p
p. 33 ankle paintball holster made me chuckle =p

Will return to the script as time allows!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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outtosea
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I gave this one a read all the way through...

I want to say, overall, very good job. It's not "there" yet, but there's a lot to be proud of. If anything here seems harsh, it's honestly because I think you can turn this into something really great.

Small things to point out... There are still a few typos. I'm sorry, I didn't log them as I read. But you should look over and check things like making sure you use the right version of words like "their" or "there." I know there were a few mistakes on that that popped out to me as I read. Lots of missing commas.

I don't know if anyone else mentioned this, but Michael Scott is the name of the main character on The Office, which is a pretty popular show... most people I think might get distracted hearing that name.

I'm not sure I bought into the Claire/Zeke relationship. Besides them enjoying a few of the same movies, I wasn't quite sure why he fell so HARD for her to the point of tears at rejection. He clearly charmed her, but I think we have to see her show some sign of inner-conflict AWAY from Zeke. I don't remember anything like that, but I read this yesterday.

You have some really great jokes in here... some REALLY great jokes. You know, I read some of it and it just depressed me... like, why can't I* write like that??? That's a good thing! Some lines are extremely clever and witty. I loved the poem.

HOWEVER.... some are just not. The jokes that don't* work are so unworthy of the talent you show in the parts that do. The shake weight thing... Come on. DUDE. COME ON. EVERYONE who has ever seen that thing knows it looks like you're jerking off. There's absolutely nothing new there. And you use it MULTIPLE times. Them watching porn in the editing room. Yeah, funny at first, but after awhile... we get it. Maybe if the porn got stranger and stranger... up the stakes.

I'm not against dirty humor at all, it just has to be funny. Him accidentally getting semen instead of deer urine? You lost me on that one. What else? Again, I'm going from memory here... Oh, I don't believe any channel would ever really use a real dead body, donated or not, for use on a documentary like that to show how weapons are used. Clearly, you just put that in there because you thought you had a funny idea for him missing and messing it up. Even if it's a dummy.... it'll still be funny, and people won't be rolling their eyes.

Not too sure enough people have seen Hard Candy to get the joke. That's a pretty obscure reference.

Overall though, this is one of the better scripts i've seen. I admire everyone whose done one. I just finished the first draft of my first script, and as critical as I might seem, I guess that's what this is for... and mine's not on par with yours. That might make me a hypocrite, so take my critiques for what they're worth.

Good luck! I'll be first in line if this makes it to the big screen.
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jap313
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Vinny and E.D.,

Thanks for the comments guys.  It kinda sucks to have a typo on page 3.  E.D., ha thatís the first time I noticed that no one asked Zeke if he was related to any famous Spellings.  Good note.  Also, Chuckís holster had a real gun, not a paintball guy.  I can see how that read differently.

Thanks,
John
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jap313
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Quoted from outtosea
I want to say, overall, very good job. It's not "there" yet, but there's a lot to be proud of. If anything here seems harsh, it's honestly because I think you can turn this into something really great.

All constructive criticism is welcome.  I really appreciate hearing honest opinions about the script.  Iím with you as far as it not being ďthereĒ yet.  Like Trojan said earlier, I need a catchier title and a catchier plot.  I think Iím gonna change it to Zeke tries to sleep his way to the top but then falls in love with Claire.  Maybe change the title to ďCasting Couch.Ē  

Quoted from outtosea
Small things to point out... There are still a few typos. I'm sorry, I didn't log them as I read. But you should look over and check things like making sure you use the right version of words like "their" or "there." I know there were a few mistakes on that that popped out to me as I read. Lots of missing commas.

I have a problem catching words like ďthere/theirĒ and ďyouíre,your.Ē  Itís not that I donít know the difference between them; I just canít catch them when I read because they sound alike.  As for the commas, Iíll go back and look at that.  Iím usually a stickler about them.

Quoted from outtosea
Michael Scott is the name of the main character on The Office, which is a pretty popular show... most people I think might get distracted hearing that name.

Iím actually a huge fan of The Office, and thatís why I used the name.  I can change it, though.  No big deal.  

Quoted from outtosea
I'm not sure I bought into the Claire/Zeke relationship. Besides them enjoying a few of the same movies, I wasn't quite sure why he fell so HARD for her to the point of tears at rejection. He clearly charmed her, but I think we have to see her show some sign of inner-conflict AWAY from Zeke. I don't remember anything like that, but I read this yesterday.

I think youíre right about Claireís inner conflict.  I showed the conflict in the end, but I donít remember showing it before the rejection at the restaurant.

Quoted from outtosea
You have some really great jokes in here... some REALLY great jokes. You know, I read some of it and it just depressed me... like, why can't I* write like that??? That's a good thing! Some lines are extremely clever and witty. I loved the poem.

HOWEVER.... some are just not. The jokes that don't* work are so unworthy of the talent you show in the parts that do. The shake weight thing... Come on. DUDE. COME ON. EVERYONE who has ever seen that thing knows it looks like you're jerking off. There's absolutely nothing new there. And you use it MULTIPLE times. Them watching porn in the editing room. Yeah, funny at first, but after awhile... we get it. Maybe if the porn got stranger and stranger... up the stakes.

Thanks!  Comments like that keep me writing.  I agree the shake weight is over done.  I just like the awkwardness of the conversation between Chuck and Zeke.  I tried to use the porn thing to show Zekeís downward spiral because he ends up watching porn with those guys.  

Quoted from outtosea
I'm not against dirty humor at all, it just has to be funny. Him accidentally getting semen instead of deer urine? You lost me on that one.

I was trying to push it with that joke.  I already had Ben sprayed in the face with deer urine, and I was trying to push it further.  

Thanks for the feedback.  Being critical is a good thing, and a good critique helps me put my jokes in perspective.  Sometimes I think something Iíve written is genius, but then when I go back, it just seems stupid.  However, every now and then I look back and think ďthatís not bad.Ē

Cheers,
JP

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 21st, 2011, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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JP,

Got through pages 34 - 68 today.
All in all, I didn't feel much forward thrust in the mid section.
The whole star f*ckers aspect seems to have dried up.
The deer scene is a little better, perhaps more wildlife humor with Chuck.
The whole rut/vagina thing could be expanded upon for awkward humor.
Michael Scott comes off as kinda lunk headed, not a suave Hollywood type.
I'm just not feeling much chemistry from Claire and Zeke anymore.
The willing star screwing would be comedian isn't arcing much so far.
I think Zeke starts out looking for contacts and then connects with Claire. Something.
We'll see how the final third shapes up.  

Here are some page specific notes:

p. 36 preggers vid laugh felt forced.
p. 40 writing in the studio, don't feel it adds to story or plot, just lays there
p. 53 The deer in the shower joke bombed with me.
p. 56 the random replacement semen spray didn't click with me
p. 62 not feeling the whole deer scene, more Chuck might help there.
p. 64 Sarah off screen break up feels odd. Is she a star f*cking example?
p. 66 Claire should be the one to notice the birthday, all her idea. More poignant.

Thanks for posting, rewriting is good for the soul!

Regards,
E.D.


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jap313
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Quoted from E.D.
All in all, I didn't feel much forward thrust in the mid section.
The whole star f*ckers aspect seems to have dried up.

In this draft, I basically took out the star-screwing theme.  Now, Zeke falls in love with Claire and forgets about getting ahead.  Zeke even turns down the break Michael gives him.  Reading back, I think the story does lose a little thrust.  Iím probably going back to the original theme but tighten up a bit.

Quoted from E.D.
The whole rut/vagina thing could be expanded upon for awkward humor.

Ha, that sounds really weird out of context.

Quoted from E.D.
I'm just not feeling much chemistry from Claire and Zeke anymore.
The willing star screwing would be comedian isn't arcing much so far.

InterestingÖdo you think the problem is that there arenít many extended scenes between Claire and Zeke?  Also, I tried to do away with the whole comedian arc, but as addressed earlier, I got rid of the star-screwing theme, maybe to a fault.

Quoted from E.D.
p. 36 preggers vid laugh felt forced.
p. 40 writing in the studio, don't feel it adds to story or plot, just lays there
p. 53 The deer in the shower joke bombed with me.
p. 56 the random replacement semen spray didn't click with me
p. 62 not feeling the whole deer scene, more Chuck might help there.
p. 64 Sarah off screen break up feels odd. Is she a star f*cking example?
p. 66 Claire should be the one to notice the birthday, all her idea. More poignant.

P.36 Ė The joke wasnít meant to be a belly roll.  It was meant to be cute, like a cute, playful moment.
p.53 Ė This joke too wasnít meant to be a belly roll.  It would actually be out of character for Michael to say something very funny (Yeah, his character probably needs work).  The joke was really a set-up for Drew to take it too far.
p.56 Ė huh?  This is the second comment about that.  I really thought pushing that joke paid off.
p.62 Ė The deer scene is a kinda weird scene to write because theyíre dressing deer.  Itís hard to write a scene with a dream girl skinning a deer.  Iím thinking about changing that scene up, but somehow I want to keep the deer vagina joke because I think itís a perfect awkward comment for Chuck.
p.64- Yeah, she is star fucking.  I need to think of a cool way for the two to break up on screen.  However, right now, sheís a phantom.  She only has a couple of lines.
p.66- Thatís a good idea.  Iíll have to inject a reason for her to know itís his birthday.

Again, thanks for the review.  With all this help, this script will be golden in no time.

JP
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 22nd, 2011, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jap313

InterestingÖdo you think the problem is that there arenít many extended scenes between Claire and Zeke?  Also, I tried to do away with the whole comedian arc, but as addressed earlier, I got rid of the star-screwing theme, maybe to a fault.


JP,

Yeah, this aspect was one of the character arcs I liked before.
That Zeke decides he needs to starf*ck to make it in the business.
And then he winds up falling for his intended target.
It sets up a classic dilemma for Zeke.
I haven't finished the script yet, perhaps there's an arc I've yet to read.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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