Your right, trying to state the theme without being on the nose can be done with little hints, I just read over them. Sorry!

Ok straight back to 'format' again.

Page 15

FLASHBACK - EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

If you have a screenwriting program that allows you to underline, underline FLASHBACK.

Page 17

Severalofficialy exepted possibilities to go back to present day.

I would not ue:

END FLASHBACK. (underlined and on the right side of page)

but:

INT. LOFT CONDO - SAME (BACK TO PRESENT)

It saves you a line!


The Holleywood Standard - Christopher Riley

INT. LOFT CONDO - SAME (BACK TO PRESENT)

INSERT - BLINKING CURSOR ON A BLANK COMPUTER SCREEN


OK, I'm sure ( and you are to) that after a MASTER SHOT HEADING (SLUG LINE) you Always get an action line before dialog starts, but can you start with a slugline like an insert or other...? If not you should start with narrative...

Page 18

He is startled awake by the sound of a nearby phone.

CAP PHONE, not sound.

Page 21/22

BACK TO LOFT

ON THE TELEVISION

You could also use a master heading, I don't know...

INT. LOFT CONDO - CONTINUE

Terry is devouring his piza while watching telly.

Tracy stands behind the couch -

TRACY
Oh gosh no. She ends her name with an E... (giggles) ...and I end mine with a Y.

Amanda, stunned, laughs through clinched teeth.

Terry looks amused ( if this is not an unmilmable) and opens another beer.


Don'tuse "absurd reply". it's a 'double' you already have shown in dialog

Ok, laying pipe ends at page 27 when the double is introduces and a plan is made.

The scene starting at page 25 is a bit to long; try to keep it a max of 4 pages.

Page 40

If you can make it clear where the montage ends- and you did - you don't need END MONTAGE.

Page 42

Never introduce people in CAPS that later on in the scen do not have dialog.

Page 49

CAP the sound and what is making the sound

A CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS.

Page 51

Several PHONES begin to ring.

Page 52

A PHONE RINGS,...

Page 75

Temporary bleachers are filled with SCREAMING FANS. on screen so:

Temporary bleachers are filled with screamng fans.

Paparazzi swarm the limousine.

Various celebrities are shown at different points of the carpet.

Page 78

A limousine door opens to thunderous applause. The President and First Lady, surrounded by secret service, get out and wave to the crowd.

Page 84

I like this:

CHARLEY
The. Nominees for. Best. Costume design. Are. Mary-Ann Goodrid? For QUEEN ELIZABETH. THE END OF THE TUDORS.

A-LIST ACTOR #1
Jaime Marie for A MOTHER’S LOVE.

CHARLEY
Joe. And Elizabeth Sanders. (mimics Mae West) COME UP AND SEE ME SOMETIME.

The crowd laughs. A-List actor #1 holds back a chuckle.

Page 87

On the nose and is she already forgiving him. For that you needs more to get a bond.

TRACY I’m fine. Just a little bruised is all. You didn’t harm me. You’ve been very kind. Are we really going to the show? Can we make it? I don’t think you should be driving.

I just can not believe this dialog

Page 93

Ok I really like where you are going

CHARLEY ...but I can not forgive Hollywood for making me feel loved for who I was perceived to be. I am a beautiful person as well. Not your idea of what beautiful is, but still a very beautiful person.

But is Hollywood going to f... it self by making this movie?


So in general I liked your originalidea and the way you presented it in your screenplay. I just think there is too much pipe before we get to the real story.

Dear Vancety...what you have done for me is beyond words. For you to have completely read my first draft and given me AWESOME critiques and observations of what issues I need to work on has made my day! I knew all along that it was taking too long to get to the group needing to get their objective started but just can't figure out how to cut it down. Well...that's what rewrites are for and your help is so appreciated, I will do my best to make this a much more enjoyable read. THANK YOU!

... You're welcome!!