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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Aussie & Harriet Moderators: bert
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  Author    Aussie & Harriet  (currently 1387 views)
Don
Posted: December 5th, 2014, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Aussie & Harriet by Abdullah H. Erakat & Barry Hill - Comedy -  When an Arab woman is found unconscious in Sydney, she awakens suffering from amnesia; an ordinary hospital worker tries to help her discover her identity and finds himself and the love of his life along the way. 121 pages - pdf, format


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AdrianWollaston
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
found me?
JAYMOND
I’m surprised too.
I lose my lunch here every day.
Especially when I eat the cafeteria
food with prune juice. And up it
comes.

There is no context for that and it isn't funny.


Quoted Text
JAYMOND
(V.O.)
I got to the rail station with
plenty of time and even said g’day
to this nice old man.
EXT. SYDNEY TRAIN STATION – NIGHT
The STATION MASTER, who should have retired years ago, blows
a whistle.
The train doors start closing as an exhausted Jaymond runs
down the platform stairs, crashing into a MAN in his late
sixties – nearly knocking him over.
JAYMOND
Sorry mate!

Is the man he said g'day to, the man he almost knocked down? Again, not really funny.
Why should the station master have retired years ago?
You also said he was feeling energetic so he decided to walk to the station. Why complicate it by saying he's now exhausted. It doesn't add anything to the scene so leave it out.


Quoted Text
But his eyes come to glaze at a body, lying in the aisle at
the end of the carriage.

Glaze?
He sees a woman laying in the aisle at the other end of the carriage.


Quoted Text
HARRIET
Bashed and robbed?
Then, maybe I was –
DR. TARNAWSKI
No. Thankfully, you were not raped.
Tears swell in Harriet’s eyes as she starts to cry.
JAYMOND
Harriet, don’t do that.
You’re safe now.
After all you’re in hospital.
DR. TARNAWSKI
I know, this is not an easy time
for you.
But the stronger you are, the
faster you will recover. Look on
the bright side -
JAYMOND
- Yeah some people have been in a
coma for years.
8.
(CONTINUED)
DR. TARNAWSKI
You’re alive and whoever did this
didn’t break any of your bones.
DR. TARNAWSKI CONT’D
There’s no internal trauma and
all of your scans indicate
a clean bill of health.
JAYMOND
Hey Peter, aren’t there coma
patients who wake up for an hour or
two and drop back off again?
DR. TARNAWSKI
Now is not the best time for
questions, Jaymond. We don’t want
to upset her anymore than she
already is.
JAYMOND
But I’ve heard that they talk,
walk and even cry and they’re still
in a coma?
DR. TARNAWSKI
Jaymond.
JAYMOND
She might still be in a
coma for all we know.
DR. TARNAWSKI
Jaymond, hush.


If you had to cut scenes, I'd put them back in and cut most of this one. The double-act between Jaymond and the doctor doesn't work.


Quoted Text
Out of the corner of his eye, Jaymond catches a SLIM MIDDLE
AGED PROFESSIONALLY DRESSED WOMAN watching from the doorway.
She waves to him and then walks away.

Does this chance encounter have any relevance. You also introduce her as SLIM MIDDLE
AGED PROFESSIONALLY DRESSED WOMAN and then her dialogue is preceded by the title WOMAN.


Quoted Text
A PHYSIO-THERAPIST, in his late twenties, is working closely
with the two older women.

This character's name is Brian and he has dialogue. Two different names for the same character again.


Quoted Text
MIDDLE EASTERN MAN
We got a go.
Contamination between suspect and
hospital worker.

Really? She's been in the hospital for three weeks being treated by a physio, a doctor, probably a whole ward of nurses as well as Jaymond.


Quoted Text
HARRIET
(Clinches her teeth)
I just want to get out of here.
I’ve spoken to the police,
to the doctors, the nurses.
And now we want to put me in
the so called non-mental asylum
trauma section of this hospital
filled with other people
like me who have experienced
violent episodes.

Clenches her teeth.
Also, when did she talk to the police. In an earlier scene Jaymond was asked to bring her to the well dressed woman's office but it never happened. Why was the pending interview with the police even mentioned?


Quoted Text
INT. HOSPITAL - PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE –- MORNING
ANDREA BOLTON sits behind a desk. She is the SLIM MIDDLE AGED
PROFESSIONALLY DRESSED WOMAN.
There is a LOUD KNOCK.

Clumsy. Why are you trying to keep it a secret from the reader. If it's shock value, it didn't work. The character did nothing in previous scenes to have any value in masking her identity until now.
We now also have the same character with three titles - the SLIM MIDDLE AGED
PROFESSIONALLY DRESSED WOMAN, WOMAN and ANDREA BOLTON.

This is where I stopped reading because this is supposed to be a comedy and I haven't seen any situations that could remotely be called funny, except maybe what passes for witty repartee between Jaymond and the doctor and the physio and a couple of old ladies.
If you want to write a comedy script it has to grab people's interest with something from the start.
It needs a lot of work.
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LC
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 2:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AdrianWollaston

He sees a woman laying in the aisle at the other end of the carriage.

Lie/lay is a pet peeve of mine. In this case it should be:
lying, not laying, unless of course there are eggs involved.  

Adrian, you seem to be having a quite industrious time commenting on screenplays but given a lot of (all, I think?) the scripts you're digging up are not from active members of the boards bear in mind your comments will probably fall on deaf ears.

Yes, you can comment on whatever your heart fancies but it'd be nice too if you want to interact to use your reviewing skills on some of the regulars.

Start with the Portal to see what's current, the 'Short' section and also Recent Posts.

Or just ignore me if you wish...

Welcome to SS, either way.


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AdrianWollaston
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Lie/lay is a pet peeve of mine. In this case it should be:
lying, not laying, unless of course there are eggs involved.  

Adrian, you seem to be having a quite industrious time commenting on screenplays but given a lot of (all, I think?) the scripts you're digging up are not from active members of the boards bear in mind your comments will probably fall on deaf ears.

Yes, you can comment on whatever your heart fancies but it'd be nice too if you want to interact to use your reviewing skills on some of the regulars.

Start with the Portal to see what's current, the 'Short' section and also Recent Posts.

Or just ignore me if you wish...

Welcome to SS, either way.

I had a lot of time on my hands.
As for which scripts I chose, the scripts all had nil comments and many views and it seemed to me that if someone was going to have a look at a script and then dismiss it, they should at least have the courtesy to say why.
I gave them a fair go - usually about ten pages - pointed out errors and gave them an opinion. In the one case where I read through to the end, the end seemed to be missing.
I'm new to the forum so maybe I was mistaken about why people place scripts on the site. I thought it was to get feedback for a project and maybe the reason why the people aren't active is because nobody could be bothered to give any.
It's nice of you to comment on my comment but if you felt I was wrong in what I said in any of my reviews then I would like to hear that as well. We all learn by criticism.

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LC
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi Adrian,

The 'views' on a script don't necessarily equate to the script being read that many times. It can simply mean someone has opened the thread to read the logline.

Simply Scripts is a terrific site in that Don (Admin) allows anyone to post their script on the site regardless of whether or not they take part in reading other writer's scripts/reviewing etc. and/or taking an active part on the discussion board.

Some people post their scripts on SS purely for exposure, they're not necessarily interested in getting feedback but post their script in the hopes that they might get lucky with a producer - and in fact, some do.

You're right too in that sometimes leaving feedback on a script with none to date can entice the writer into the discussion forum - nothing wrong with doing that - I do it sometimes myself if something appeals.

I was just letting you know if you want to become involved with the regulars here and interact, like I said, that you'll have more luck reading something current and by a regular member. Also I don't know if you plan on posting your own screenplay or have done already? If you have or plan to, it's quid pro quo here so that will come in handy for you to know.

You weren't doing anything wrong, no hard and fast rules here.

P.S. I didn't go through all your reviews btw, just noticed a new member's name and that you were reading and commenting a lot - which is great. The 'lie' 'lay' thing always sticks out for me.

Anyway, I don't won't to clog up this thread any further. If you have any queries send me a PM.


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AdrianWollaston
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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With regards to posting a script. I seem to have restricted access that only allows me to reply even though I am logged in.
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LC
Posted: March 25th, 2015, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AdrianWollaston
With regards to posting a script. I seem to have restricted access that only allows me to reply even though I am logged in.

On the main page there is a section: I wrote a Script here's the link, Adrian:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/submit_your_script_new.html

PM me if you have any probs.


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