The Love App by Jerimy Bell - Comedy - When a heart ailment ends his career before it's even started a washed-up High School baseball star must use his competitive edge to beat his rivals in creating a dating App.103 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A nice story with a happy ending.  I liked the sub-plot of the Girl-in-Blue’s curse. I don’t know if it was intentional but I saw it. I thought the pet passing away and the timing of it was artistically genius. It really summed up his situation at the time.

However, this needs a LOT of proofreading. I’ll help a little and pass on some of what I found but I’m sure there are a lot more than this. Some of the sentences didn’t make sense and I’m pretty sure it was due to a typo. In other cases, I think you need to re-think what you were trying to say.

On page 2 “Jase shoots a disappointing look”. I wasn’t sure if the disappointing look was supposed to come from Ron. I could be wrong.

On page 13 you go to a flashback but didn’t tell us. I’m guessing there is a flashback since you tell us we are back to scene. I’m guessing the scene in the New York City park is the flashback.

Anyway, the typos.  Below is what I read vs what I think you meant to write:

P3: “Looks like you profile”.   Was that supposed to be “your profile”?

P9: “Jase sports is practice gear” should be “Sports his practice gear”.

P54: “Let Camilla no” should be “Let Camilla know.” When on a roll I get caught up in the moment of creativity and make mistakes like this. I know you aren’t an idiot.

P58: Lance says, “back a in few days.” Instead of “back in a few days.”

P60: “someone step into a 70’s” I think you meant “someone stepped into a 70’s”.

P63: “evicted to my place.” I think you meant “evicted from my place.”

P66:  I think “can’t role like ” should be “can’t roll like that”. I could be wrong and that you meant role.

P68: “we still have of art to be sold” should be “we still have a lot of art to be sold”.

P80: “he height and muscular psychic” I think was meant to be “his height and muscular physique”. I have to admit that this made me laugh a little bit. I wasn’t laughing at you per se. I just wondered what extremely muscular telepathic abilities would look like. I laugh at my own typos all the time.

P81:  Jase is walking to his apartment.  It’s obvious that you rewrote the sentence but didn’t replace it. It’s either “slowly to his apartment” or “sluggish to his apartment” but not both.

P96:  You make a reference to Larry King Live and Bill Meyer. I think you mean Bill Maher.  Bill Meyer has a live radio show on KMCD and KMED.  Bill Maher has two television shows: Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO and Politically Incorrect, formerly on Comedy Central but currently on ABC. I could be wrong. You may have meant Bill Meyer.

P97:  Where Jase tells the audience “The ones who felt the know my purpose” should be “The ones who felt they know my purpose”

In summation, I liked the story. It had a good feel to it.

I'll have to read this when I get some more time! But was curious how you'd feel about your logline without the last sentence. It seems unnecessary to me.

Yep I see what you mean Michaelmwinters so I'll delete it.

D.A.Banaszak - awesome notes and thanks for taking the time to read it.  I'll make those changes for sure.  I used Grammarly but it does miss a lot.

I agree with D.A.

When a heart ailment ends his baseball career within his first game, the High School baseball star must find the motivation to be more than a forgotten wash-out athlete. He must use his competitive instincts to beat the competition for an app creation or lose his mental capacity to live

Suggest something like this:

When a heart ailment ends his career before it's even started a washed-up High School baseball star must use his competitive instincts to beat his rivals in the creation of a dating App.

Alt: competitive edge

Is it a dating App?

Lose his mental capacity to live.
Is he depressed?
....before he loses the will to live.
Either way that reads a bit depressing and this is comedy.

Just a suggestion.
Whatever you decide let me know and I'll edit the logline for you.

This works great: When a heart ailment ends his career before it's even started a washed-up High School baseball star must use his competitive edge to beat his rivals in creating a dating App.

Is it a dating App? It starts as a dating app but then evolves into a sports connection app.  For example, you live chat with all the Red Sox fans at Yankee Stadium. The app allows you to connect to that fan group at the venue to live chat with them.

Lose his mental capacity to live.
Is he depressed? Yeah, that's his character flaw, low self-esteem.  In the end, it's high.  I figured it would make the story unique, seeing athletes have supreme, even though the skills don't.

Thanks for the vital input.

Would you like me to amend the logline at the top of the page? Let me know if you do.

Yes please

Quoted from bellj223 Yes please

Okay, done.
P.S. Here is your original just in case you ever want to refer to it again.  

When a heart ailment ends his baseball career within his first game, the High School baseball star must find the motivation to be more than a forgotten wash-out athlete. He must use his competitive instincts to beat the competition for an app creation or lose his mental capacity to live.

Thanks