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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Angels Among Us by Michel J. Duthin - Comedy, Fantasy - Thomas and Charli die at the very same moment on Christams Eve. He is from Vancouver. She is from Baton-Rouge. They meet in Heaven, but Charli is sent back to life. Thomas succeds then to escape and tries his best to find her dwon on Earth. But Charli does not recall anything from her sojourn up there. And Thomas has his guardian angel on his tail to bring him back. 106 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  September 28th, 2007, 6:43pm
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michel
Posted: June 16th, 2006, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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"Angels Among Us" is an Alabama title song. For those who love Country songs just I do, you should enjoy this script. For the others I hope you'll have a good time. I have to admit that I wrote Angela for a very known actress and-- you'll see

Michel  


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huckleberry
Posted: June 18th, 2006, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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I read your script.  I judge most scripts by how many beers it takes me to finish it.  If by a 12 pack, I haven't reached the end it probably wasn't good, or I was too drunk to appreciate it's nuances.  Your script was sloppy (a lot of spelling errors and such) but was entertaining and easy to read.  Linda as the loveable lesbian best friend was cute and well introduced. Most of the characters were.  My two big beefs with the script were:
1: the main character (thomas) didn't have half the personality as the other characters

2: how he escaped from heaven:  He was the only person to escape from heaven in the history of human existence. How? This is how the whole fantasy love story is possible, and there is no explanation or intimation given to how.  Think of something clever as to how he escapes, and make it like maybe a one in a million way of escape.  Don't say he's the only one in human existence to escape, and give no depth to the character, or no substance to the circumstances.

So... fun script. Thanks for the read.    
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michel
Posted: June 19th, 2006, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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I have to admit that Thomas doesn't have a great personality. I made it on purpose. That's why every girl he's been with treated as nothing. I challenged to introduce the dullest character I could find and tried to make him interesting. In fact Angela tells him he's too softie. He's not a loser, but neither a winner. He's just an average guy, with all his flaws and his clumsiness (in fact there's a lot of me in Thomas).

About the way he escapes from Heaven, it's because of a simple Heaven administration failure as it could happen in any company. That's a convergence of circumstances, that's all. Thomas acted instinctively. I don't think he could act differently. At the beginning of the story, he's a passive guy. Pushed by Angela, he grows up. After all, you're maybe right. He's not the first man to escape, but would Angela admit it?

Concerning the spelling errors and "such" (what are the "such" please?) I must precise that English is not my natal language and you're welcome to describe what's wrong in my scripts.

Anyway, thank you for reading and judging. I appreciate.

Michel J

Huckleberry, one question remains to me: how many beers did you drink?


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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 23rd, 2006, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey michel,

I loved your little christmas short so I thought I would check this one out, plus I read the word vancouver, so that was another reason

this, like your reindeer story, was very sweet, very cute, I am not a romantic comedy kinda guy, but you had a different spin which made it more interesting than the slop that is usually playing at the cinema.

there were a few mistakes, well actually a bit more than a few,

on page 2 it reads "you perfectly know that I don't like you to drive when you drink that much, especially by night'  should be " you know perfectly well I don't like it when you drink and driver, escpecially at night"

on page 4 it reads "I'm sick of that country music and all those Christmas rubbish"  should be "I'm sick of all that country music and Christmas rubbish"

on page 5 it reads "It's a real pleasue to watch it ON every christmas"  you could take out ON, it reads a bit better.

on page 6 it reads "you're to softie and haven't find the right one yet"  should read "you're too soft, of you're a softy, and you haven't FOUND the right one yet"

also on page 6 it reads" The one I was going to cherish all my life and make her a dozen kids" you could just say "have a dozen kids"

also on page 6 it read "I could perfectly see her with a red apple in hand" should read "I could easily see her with a red apple in her hand"

again on page 6 it reads " she'd have everything I wished "should be "she was every thing I could have wished for"

on page 7 it reads " I make you a promise"  should be "I'll make you a promise"

on page 10 it reads "pleas stand on line until someone will present to you"  should be " Please stand in line till you are met" or something like that.

on page 11 it reads "I am the one who is taking you in charge today" it could easily just be " I will be showing you around today"

on page 12 it reads "I'm sure you'll here meet people " should be " I'm sure you will meet people here"

on page 17 it reads "Tkae a good care of your wife" should be "Take good care of your wife"

on page 20 it reads "As I've been dead and come back to life"  should be " like I was dead and came back to life"

on page 28 it reads "a fulful sexual like is every couples basis" should be " every couple's sex life should be fulfilled"

on page 41 it reads "I could swallow an entire cow" YIKES..., I bet this guy would be popular on the west end...LOL , should be "I could eat an entire cow"

on page 46 it reads "Do ghosts are real"  should be "Are Ghosts real"

on page 67 it reads "did you leave him step on your shoes"  now I have no idea what this ment, but it doesn't sound right to me.

on page 103 it reads"it's the second time you save my life"  should be "that's the second time you saved my life"

so those were all the mistakes I could remember, there may be a few more but that's all I got.

You should also get rid of the scene numbers, you don't need those, plus you could also cut out all the "cut to's" and (Continues), you don't need them.

Onto the story.

I liked the premise of this script, it had a great deal of imagination and some great visuals, like the scenes up in heaven.  good work on those.

I didn't like the fact that Charli got in the car with Scott knowing he was drunk, she didn't seem like the kind of person that would do that, maybe if you hid is drunkeness it would work better.

I liked the flow of the story, I liked most of the characters and how things turn about.  This was a very sweet and nice script, stuff I am not usually into, but it was original and it kept me interested.

I liked your description of the vancouver airport.  Have you ever been there?  It is really nice, with all the native art and whatnot.

I didn't much care for Jodee, she seemed like the typical friend character, nothing really to her, maybe give her more than just the friend part, would make it a bit more original.

all in all this was a nice script with a some grammer mistakes, but taken into fact that english isn't your mother tounge you have been doing a great job  keep it up





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michel
Posted: June 26th, 2006, 3:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jordan. Thank you for your review. It means a lot to me to be read, especially in English.


you had a different spin which made it more interesting than the slop that is usually playing at the cinema.


Thanks again, that the kind of thing I didn't know I was able to do.



I didn't much care for Jodee, she seemed like the typical friend character, nothing really to her, maybe give her more than just the friend part, would make it a bit more original.


I agree with you. JoDee is not very special, but I'm going to work on her to try to give her something special as I did for every characters.

Jordan, if you want me to read something for you, let me know. If you like my style, try something different from me as "Blood Rush" in the thriller section

See you

Michel






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chubs mcgonigal
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Read this last night.  Here's my thoughts.

SPOILERS



The first thing I noticed was that the scenes were numbered.  Unless this is a shooting script, get rid of them.  Also, there's no reason to dictate when the opening credits roll in a screneplay.  The director will more than likely decide this.

Musical Numbers - You'll be better off to give a hint at the style of song you're going for, instead of specifying a certain song (unless, of course, you own the rights).

Is there any reason Scott and Charli have to drive a white Civic?  Not unless Honda's throwing you a check for a little product placement.

Actor's Instructions - There's far too many of them.  

On pg. 3 charli says she has a "big surprise" for Scott.  What is it?  You've peaked my interest.

On pg. 5 Thomas tells Linda exactly what he wants out of life.  This could be done much better with a little more subtext and/or showing instead of telling.  Shortly after, Thomas goes on to whine about how pathetic his life has become.  It seems as if he's trying to wrench pity from Linda (and the readers).  SHOW me a reason to sympathize with thomas.

Linda - Does every romantic comedy these days have to feature a gay/lesbian "buddy"?  It may be MTV chic today, but cliches come and go.  You'll be left with a dated script.  I also think that the gay/lesbian "buddy" is a lazy way to add "character" to a "buddy".  I think if you rethought this you could toss Linda.  Angela makes a much more intriguing buddy anyway.

Thomas' suicide - This would of been much easier to swallow (pun) had an inciting incident happened previously to accentuate his string of bad luck, in place of his pity party whining.  A "straw that broke the camel's back", if you will.

Charli and Thomas' Love at First Sight - I know a simular impulse happens in real life at times, but there needs to be more interaction between the two in heaven to reinforce this.  Otherwise it just looks like a sloppy plot device.  I need more than just "a deep and intense look" to be convinced that Thomas would go through so much trouble for Charlie.  When Thomas first arrives in heaven, Angela mentions something about reincarnation.  Maybe they realize they were lovers in a previous life.  Just a thought.

Scott had been drunk when he crashed his Civic.  He would certainly be in jail (if Charli had died, Scott would have been charged with man-slaughter).  

Dialogue - Some pretty big chunks.  Slim 'em down a bit.  

On pg. 89 Angela and Thomas have sex.  Do angels engage in one night stands?  This scene seemed gratuitious and off kilter.  Shouldn't Thomas be out actively pursuing Charli instead?

Summary - I think I would sympathize much more with Scott if he had more struggle to attain his goal (Charli).  Let him run the gamut.  Bloody his nose, especially in your third act.  

You have a high concept and sellable idea here.  Tighten up your dialogue, delve into your characters more, and look at some of the plot holes and it will be even better.  Hope this helps.


If a dwarf wants to be tossed then, by God, let him be tossed.
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michel
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Colligulas for your precious review. You pointed out some problems I didn't see (especially when you're buried under your own script) and I will take good advice when I rewrite it. We'll keep in touch.

Thanks again

Michel


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huckleberry
Posted: July 14th, 2006, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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Michel,
  Sorry for not responding to your response sooner...It only took me a six-pack (that's 6 American beers) to finish your script.  That's the huckleberry equivalent of "two thumbs up." Good job.  I'd invite you to read what I have written so far, but these two comments are the sum and total of my literary works.
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tonkatough
Posted: August 9th, 2006, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Read your script. Not bad. here are some of my reactions to your script.

Love the inter-cutting between the two characters and the tragedy that befalls them. Very effective, very exciting. It really got me involved in your script.

charlie is married to an arsehole. This typical in a lot of romcom. The lead lady in a shitty relationship cause it makes the main man of the story seem right and perfect for the leading lady. Very manipultive, very obvious, but a common trait with in the genre.

Charlie is a bit of wet blanket. I found her quite dull.

Good hook with thomas dead, charlie returned to living,  so Thomas has to escape heaven and hunt down charlie. I kept wanting to read more to find out more.

scene 33 to 36 should be a montage.

Scene 38. maybe you should have a cut to charlie and her plot than cut back to thomas. As you have it in script, I tried to visualize it as if it where a movie and it just didn't work. kind of jarring.

scene 70. Here you need another montage. not musical sequence.

The first half of the story is perfectly plotted. the story move quickly and kept me turning pages. But the second half gets a little sluggish and I was a little restless.

Only by having the scene where Thomas gets hit by a car just as he reaches his goal, made me sit up and pay attention and got me back into the story again. same with the HBW twist

maybe you should shave off about ten pages just to tighten the middle up a bit. To many scenes involing lou, jodee and charli. It slows down the momentum of the story.

But all in all this was a huge effort and a fun read.

I look forward to reading any future scripts you post on this website.

Oh yeah, huckleberry's  "12 pack beer test' is funny and cool. I'd love him to read my script just to see how many beers he would give it. Hell, I'd even shout him the beer if he lived in the same suburb as me.  funny stuff


  



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JD_OK
Posted: September 1st, 2006, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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hey michael, my girlfriend and i went through and read your script half way aloud to eachother.
Its fun dialog and, good humor. We really likeing the story. but unfortunately We stopped half way through the story, cuz there are so many grammical errors, couldn't proceed further ( j/k, just stabbin back at you).

But seriously There Are HUGE amount of grammar issues like on every page, it really hurts the flow of enjoying your story.

Also All the camera angles, the " we" and cut to, fade, dissolver needs to be removed. I just recently hired a true professional screen writer to critique my own script. Now I havent got back a full review yet but he was telling me, all those things that I just mentioned need to be removed and even capped words other then intro of 1st character.

We found of alot errors  that colli didnt mention b4. Ill be glad to point those out and finish reading if you can get passed my " bushy" text to complete my story lol. Let me know bro


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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michel
Posted: September 26th, 2007, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone,

just let you that a second draft of the script is on its way with a new logline :

"Thomas and Charli die at the very same moment on Christmas Eve. He is from Vancouver. She is from Baton-Rouge. They meet in Heaven, but Charli is sent back to life. Thomas succeds then to escape and tries his best to find her dwon on Earth. But Charli does not recall anything from her sojourn up there. And Thomas has his guardian angel (a beautiful woman) on his tail to bring him back to Heaven."

Hope you'll like it.


Michel


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