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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Morphine Moderators: bert
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  Author    Morphine  (currently 20949 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Morphine by Michael Joseph Kospiah - Drama - A sheltered teen who can't feel pain lives vicariously through a dominatrix on the night of his 18th birthday.  94 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 19th, 2013, 11:05am
revised draft
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Ledbetter
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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I really hope the writer shows up.

If the writer is around, I suggest you check in. It lets people know this isn't a drop off.  

I'm about a third of the way through this and it's good

Really well written, great formatting, natural dialog.

It's good.

I don't reconize the name, but then a lot of new writers are around that I don't know to much about.

I suggest some peeps give this a look.

Shawn.....><
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spesh2k
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ledbetter! I'm trying to get on here a little more often now that I FINALLY have more down time. I was a lot more active when I first found out about this site five, six years ago. One of my feature length scripts "The Suicide Theory" was discovered on this site and is now in post production.

But I've been checking out a few scripts and will be around to comment the next few weeks or so until my next project commences. Thanks for reading, hope you continue to enjoy the story man.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Ledbetter
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Actually,

I went back and took a look at your participation history here and it seems you've been a member here for years and almost every single of your 52 comments have been soley on your scripts alone.

Even recently,

The only threads you're on are yours...

Man I hate to say it, but you're really a poster child for how not to participate on this board.

I'm not trying to be mean but you've been a member for 5 plus years now...

...and other than one or two post, you haven’t done anything for anyone who has bothered to take the time to do you the favor of commenting on your work.

I digress...

Read some of the others work here

Then I might have an interest in yours again.

Sorry!

That's just the way this site works, man.

Shawn.....><
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spesh2k
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry dude, I didn't mean to offend you or anybody else on this site. Websites like Zoetrope and Triggerstreet require you to critique scripts in order to receive critiques for your own scripts. This one doesn't.

It's been a while since anyone has asked me to reciprocate comments on this site, which, if a writer were to do, I would gladly give their script a read and comment.

As much as I enjoy feedback, I understand why some of my work hasn't received many comments on this site, which is fine with me. I mostly thought this was a site to showcase your script, and if people choose to comment, that's fine, if not, that's fine too. I know many film directors and indie producers who will come to this site to scout scripts. I myself have looked around this site to help film maker friends find some material, as well as Triggerstreet and zoetrope.

I've read scripts on here that I haven't commented on, either because there all ready is loads of feedback and spoilers in previous comments or because I see a lot of flame wars going on.

I'll definitely make a more conscious effort to read AND comment on more posts other than my own. Especially with more free time. Juggling a 9-5 and then doing writer for hire gigs afterward along with working on my own original material, it can wear on you and become time-limiting.

Once again, I apologize for offending you, dude, I"ll make an effort to participate more. But if it's a problem, I can request anything I've posted on here to be taken down. Last thing I want to do is start some kind of cyber war and have every body on the internet hate me.

Sorry again.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Ledbetter
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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I apperciate your honesty man.

You didn't offend me btw...

This is a site where we all want to see our scripts filled with reviews.

Good and not so good, but it's nice when something you work on is noticed by those you consider your equals.

I'm not saying that the reason your scripts havent been getting much attention is because they're bad, because that's not true.

the reasonis because you need to be seen doing what others are doing for you. reading and offering comments.

You've had some excellent feedback on all the scripts you've posted here.

But if you are a no=show on the read/comment front then you simply wont get much traction here.

So in a way, this site is like every sight out there that is reader based...

give and recieve...

Take care brother

Shawn.....><
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Gabby Hayes
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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I read this last night.  Finished it in about an hour and a half.  Kept my interest all the way through.  I'd say the strongest point is the writing--word choices you use.  It is professional and it's not too wordy at any spot.  If anything, I would have liked a longer 2nd act, the scenes/relationship between Early and Agony are original and interesting.  

While reading this, I could picture every scene--a testament to the quality writing, and at times I thought this reminded me of a 90's B movie Cinemax late nighter, and at other times I thought "this is a great indie concept that hasn't been done before."  Maybe with a great director and DP attached, the finished product would represent more of the latter.

Re: Plot.   It was overloaded with so much death, perversity, and immorality, by the 3rd act, none of it was really shocking, even though you continue to up the stakes.  We get desensitized to all the chaos from early on in the story that the climax and conclusion leaves us indifferent.  Which is strange, because the main character Early does seem to make a change by the end, where he feels more than ever, yet I feel less for the characters by the end because the violence has been so typical through out the story.

Anyway hope this makes sense, this was my first review.  Good luck with this.  Really loved the concept between Early and Agony and if you change anything, hope you expand on their exchanges/relationship.
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CM
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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And then I woke up.

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Pretty solid.  I'm about 40 pages in.  Well written for sure.  I love the name, Early.  Great first few pages.  Really sets up the character and what he's going through.  You can already get an idea of his angst towards the people around him and the isolation he feels.    

I like the dialogue, minus a few lines that could be trimmed a bit  

I'm not too sure about the Winston character.  I mean, I'm only 40 pages along so he might be fleshed out a bit more.  It just feels out of place.  Like the story doesn't need it, but again, I could be totally wrong.  

I'll keep reading some more when I get a chance.  I'm curious as to where it goes.

So far so good though.
  
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spesh2k
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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@ Gabby

Thanks for taking out the time to read Morphine, I'm glad it held your interest.


Quoted Text
at times I thought this reminded me of a 90's B movie Cinemax late nighter, and at other times I thought "this is a great indie concept that hasn't been done before."  Maybe with a great director and DP attached, the finished product would represent more of the latter.


I was a huge fan of that 80s and 90s B Movie movement. I tend to infuse that type of flare into my stories without making it cheesy. Hopefully, I accomplished that somewhat WHILE accomplishing the latter comment as well.



THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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@ Gabby


Quoted Text
Re: Plot.   It was overloaded with so much death, perversity, and immorality, by the 3rd act, none of it was really shocking, even though you continue to up the stakes.  We get desensitized to all the chaos from early on in the story that the climax and conclusion leaves us indifferent.  Which is strange, because the main character Early does seem to make a change by the end, where he feels more than ever, yet I feel less for the characters by the end because the violence has been so typical through out the story.


It is a violent story for sure. At times, perhaps its gratuitous even, but I hope none of it seemed forced. I agree there was chaos early on (the opening scene) but with the exception of one other brief scene, the violence doesn't really escalate until the second half of the story.

And there are immoral and flawed characters all around, yes, and some of it is perverse (especially the final Chinatown reveal) but it IS the world of S&M and the character is a dominatrix. It's not going to be clean, but at the same time, I wouldn't necessarily call that sub-culture entirely perverse. That's just me though, maybe I'm into different things, lol.

Any way, I agree with you on expanding the relationship between Early and Agony, I enjoyed writing that second act and the scenes where it is just them together. I think its a great chemistry they kind of build, and it's a different kind of chemistry.

And I'll see how I can make the audience care more about Early's character arch at the conclusion of the film. My goal wasn't to shock with the violence (with the exception of two of the deaths), but at the same time, I don't want to completely desensitize them either.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Gabby Hayes
Posted: April 25th, 2013, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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You're right, the only violence in the first half is the opening scene and the gas station double kill.  I think my reaction stemmed from every character getting killed off.  I'm gonna be harsh because you are a good writer and know it, and as a writer myself I'd appreciate an honest reaction.  Did the Stepdad really need to be smothered?  It wasn't central to the story in the sense that we didn't care much because it was already a given he was going to die eventually of illness  The Stepmom being killed off was excessive too.  Though, the way you alternated scenes during that sequence was really captivating.

It became silly and in the realm of "okay let's make this shocking" at the scene in Chinatown.  The whole incest/abuse angle was intended for effect, definitely.  But would it really go down like that?  I don't know.  It became cartoonish at that point.  Although clever use  for Early using his gift to slip out of the handcuffs.  A bit of a payoff.

I emphasized the strength in this story are the 2 characters Early and Agonybecause you could pretty much scrap everything and still build a completely different arc around them.  The settings you described were very visual and aesthetically pleasing, keep that.  

To spitball...scale it back on the deaths.  I would let Winston live.  Much more intriguing to let him live in his predictable misery.  It's weird that you had closure on the Stepdad, yet not Agony's daughter, who was moral central to the story.  What happened to her?
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spesh2k
Posted: April 25th, 2013, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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You raise some very good questions, Gabby, I'll definitely go back and consider your suggestions in rewrites. My intention with smothering the step dad was to make it appear as a mercy kill - he's in great physical pain, but if he were to receive the news that his wife was dead, the pain would be worse than any physical pain he could ever feel.

I felt that the whole incest/rape thing helped to answer why Agony was the way she was.

Letting Winston live is an interesting angle I'll definitely consider. I agree that the strength is the chemistry between Early and Agony and will see what I can do to build on that.

As for closure with Agony's daughter, I originally figured that since the Daddy character is dead, and in a way, also the fact that Agony is dead also, that she was free from that world in a way. I do agree that I should find a better way to bring closure to that character.

Thanks Gabby, your feedback definitely helps.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Gabby Hayes
Posted: April 25th, 2013, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, the only character most of the audience can relate to is the daughter.  Someone just having f'ed up tragedy in their life.  So to end it with Early seeking her out, and friending her would be kind of cliche, but if there were some kind of exchange that was funny, it would be a good conclusion.
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spesh2k
Posted: April 29th, 2013, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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A revised 2nd draft will be up soon.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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SAC
Posted: April 30th, 2013, 7:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey man,
Great story you got here. Love the dominatrix angle. Smart. Otherwise, it reads so quick. A testament to your use of action and dialogue. Let the dialogue tell us about our characters, which is great. Good luck with this one. If you ever get a chance direct me to some more stuff you've done. Would love to read some more of your stuff!
Regards,
Steve


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