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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  La Loteria - Optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    La Loteria - Optioned  (currently 7682 views)
eldave1
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Okay, here's some notes. I know it took awhile but when you see the sheer volume of rambling you'll wish I never did them in the first place.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/o87nwie571o75gz/laloteria.pdf?dl=0


Thanks, James - the notes were great! I sent you an email with my comments - thanks again. Super stuff.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: January 1st, 2017, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Just got a revised draft up.

Not looking for re-reads as I got another revision coming. But wanted to thank all who have read and commented so far - the feedback was invaluable. Still have to incorporate some of the suggestions but am happy with the direction it is going. I think I may be one or two more drafts away from being done.

Again - thanks for all the detailed comments. This place (SS) is a goldmine.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: January 1st, 2017, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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HeyDave, I haven't read the whole thing but I've read the first act and recorder my thought streams of conscientiousness haha. I've been meaning to give this a go but I normally struggle with mysteries and crime.

I promise to finish this up in the next week.

I appreciate the bolded slugs, first of all. Makes things so much easier to read.

The conversation between Lobo and Gabriel is so well done. Absolutely A+ dialogue. Description of Anna and her dad Frank could be a little less over written if that makes sense. It's a long paragraph and we only established the fact that they are both LAPD officers. Maybe just a quick morning ritual followed by looking at the picture. The dialogue that she Utters seems a tiny bit expository.

Aside from that the conversation between Anna and her dad as they convert between rooms is so naturalistic and well done.

I'm only on page 7 and I am already enamoured with how you introduce characters and set scenes. Four instance when Huck is introduced I had a very clear picture in my head that very really happens with screenplays.

More to come

PS i love the strong latinx prescense in the script. I see so many movies/scripts set in SoCal which barely acknowledge that part of the population, or use tokenism. Even little things like having your phone conversations in spanish (as the character would be more comfortable doing) is a great representation of culture. Props on that.


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eldave1
Posted: January 2nd, 2017, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks much for the comments Ben - appreciated for sure. I agree with the need to shorten the Anna bedroom scene - need to get that down to one or two blocks.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 3rd, 2017, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Yo, Dave, I just looked into the script to check out the introduction and hope I can help there, as you so frequently did when it comes to my stuff. So, I tried to get out everything I think about those 11 pages I read.


Your formatting is very well, I think. However, there were few things that were very noticeable to me. Not in a clear negative way, but simply noticeable:

1. You use many dashes. At p8-10 I eventually got used to that style. Sometimes the dashes are very well chosen of you BUT they are also simply very widely used. It really really does not bother me personally, although, generally, I don't know if it's so good when the reader notices clearly: he does work a lot with punctuation… It's an accentuation not related to picture and story, rather to format you know.

Imo – with cutting a few of those dashes, you even strengthen the impact at the point when you actually use one of them in handsome manner, as you quite often do. Hope it makes sense.


2. Before mini slugs, you use colons.

That is not needed imo. The use of mini slugs, to me, is one of the few situations when it's perfectly fine, too even work with half sentences and a "more" free syntax above and below the slug.

As screenwriters/readers our mind is used to focus on and realize the new location for a moment, and then just go on reading. You don't need that interruption through colon, better just let it flow on.


3. At some point, I realized that you have a lot of description going on when beginning a scene. Sometimes it felt like reading 2 paragraphs and more since what I see – Starts to move!


4. You could trust your live writing some more, rather giving an extra information that only repeats/explains your already beautiful description. Most noticeable example to me was:

Anna blows air between pursed lips - how did this
conversation get started?

I'm not against some free exppression in a writer's words, but here, the first part of the sentence does perfectly achieve what you say in the second part. Trust those descriptions! They are fine. You give trust to us in trusting yourself. Otherwise, it could quickly come across as: Okay, I explain it cause you don't get the context... which, if done to often, fulfills the exact opposite of reaching a trustfull relationship with the reader.


5. Some parts are over-descriptive, for example: Gabriel has a key in his hands and stuff like that. I don't need that picture, because THOSE ARE NO PICTURES.


6. There's a slight inconsistence in the usage of character names. Some have first name and surname. Some have only first name, then there was the odd long DETECTIVE ANNA RAMIREZ.

It's an unnecessary playing around. I don't know the perfect AE term (shenanigan?) but it's really just an noticeable, irritating choice of inconsistency.

I myself only use one name, one word, for one character. There's only one variance I use: I sometimes give bad guys the surname and good guys the first name what serves some orientation, I like to believe :-)

Bottom line is, those character names we read a million times in your script need to take as few space as possible. Put simply: things like names are just clear as shit... after five pages we anyway connect faces with the first three letters that reach our eye... the rest is noticable playing around...


Story: I left the story when Gabriel goes for a ride to the old lady with the ticket. In those last pages of the first ten, the script was obviously gaining momentum and getting better, and I definitely like to read on when there's time.

Your plotting is matured and you truly drag us into the story in an intelligent way. Of course some editing and rewriting could make each moment even better, but the general structure feels good to read. There's nothing more to say: it's good story-wise. The introduction of Ramirez and the accompanying starting plot about the lottery ticket f.i. -- all good at the story front.

There is one point that I didn't like and you should rethink in any case, imo:
It's not a problem that we're not 100% clear about the protagonist yet. (Though I'd put my money rather on Ramirez than Gabriel). It's fine. I think the story already foreshadows a social study, with lots of real-life antiheroes having to take questionable decisions like in: Crash, Training Day, La Confidential. All that may be settled in the ethnical group of Latinos – at least that's what the characters' names imply to me as a not-knowing German…

The problem I see yet, lies/starts in the very first scene. It's super generic to have a "surprised at the car in the dark" - scene. To me, it's also super generic how you handled this story ignition if your true ambition is to go deep in characterization of these people in this script.

The scene is well told but -- it's still feels too meaningless and bland, as a low budget crime story would start, that bases on gangsters searching our empathy when using words like "gringo" with their desert eagle in hand.

And I don't believe that is the path of your story. Not at all.

The major problem that starts in this scene and continues till page 11 is that we don't know any reason why Gabriel owes Lobo that money - his life's problem. Then, as told, it feels super easy how Lobo gets Gabriel's girl and faces Gabriel with a fait accompli, like a snap.

There might be a reason you left that out, and roll up that whole thing about the money from behind - I really like to believe that you don't leave it unexplained. But even then there's a problem:

As described above, the scene is not strong enough.

The credit you may get later – about how intelligent it was of you to not tell Gabriel's exact mistakes and problems from the start – does not help you live on screen in that scene.

If there's no character depth and a creative, intriguing plot we never saw before that way – then you just throw your slight different version of the "surprised at the car in the dark" scene at us.

When you go deep within those 120 pages, and I'd bet my ass you do, then the first scene must mirror the intelligence and characteristics of the screenplay 100% --
character-wise
or/and
intriguing in case of story experience, creativity, freshness.

I hope you understand what I mean. Even if some that I state about that scene may sound harsh, like having a low-budget feeling etc. , I just hope you would want my clear opinion on it. Sometimes we don't see it all from the inside, and since I think you set pretty high standards toward yourself, I better be clear that this opening scene may collide with your definite level of aspiration.


Otherwise, looking first time into one of your features, I completely understand now why you got so much success with readers and in those competitions lately.

It's really very good, and in every imaginable facet of screenwriting, there's not much missing here compared to how a professional, produced high quality screenplay works.

However, I'm looking forward to read it through at some point…

Alex




Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  January 3rd, 2017, 3:48am
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eldave1
Posted: January 3rd, 2017, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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First, Alex: thanks much for the detailed comments. Very much appreciated that you took the time.


Quoted Text
1. You use many dashes. At p8-10 I eventually got used to that style. Sometimes the dashes are very well chosen of you BUT they are also simply very widely used. It really really does not bother me personally, although, generally, I don't know if it's so good when the reader notices clearly: he does work a lot with punctuation… It's an accentuation not related to picture and story, rather to format you know.

Imo – with cutting a few of those dashes, you even strengthen the impact at the point when you actually use one of them in handsome manner, as you quite often do. Hope it makes sense.


I think this is a solid observation. When I do my final clean-up I actually search on "-" and eliminate several of them. I think they really only work best when you are indicating a pause in the action. As an example:

Lobo lights a cigarette - flicks the match against Gabriel’s
chest.


I'm okay with because I am trying to reflect a moment between the two actions (lighting the cig and flicking the match). In other cases, I think they can be eliminated. Thanks for the observation.


Quoted Text
2. Before mini slugs, you use colons.

That is not needed imo. The use of mini slugs, to me, is one of the few situations when it's perfectly fine, too even work with half sentences and a "more" free syntax above and below the slug.


Not sure I agree. I think they are helpful for continuing action. e.g.:

Dave walks down the hallway and enters the:

BEDROOM

Agree that they are not needed without continuing action.


Quoted Text
3. At some point, I realized that you have a lot of description going on when beginning a scene. Sometimes it felt like reading 2 paragraphs and more since what I see – Starts to move!


I will take a look at this. I am torn. Some like the descriptions. Others find the way too long.


Quoted Text
4. You could trust your live writing some more, rather giving an extra information that only repeats/explains your already beautiful description. Most noticeable example to me was:

Anna blows air between pursed lips - how did this
conversation get started?

I'm not against some free exppression in a writer's words, but here, the first part of the sentence does perfectly achieve what you say in the second part. Trust those descriptions! They are fine. You give trust to us in trusting yourself. Otherwise, it could quickly come across as: Okay, I explain it cause you don't get the context... which, if done to often, fulfills the exact opposite of reaching a trustfull relationship with the reader.


I like the aside here and think it along with the physical action is needed. Certainly others hate them as a general rule.  


Quoted Text
5. Some parts are over-descriptive, for example: Gabriel has a key in his hands and stuff like that. I don't need that picture, because THOSE ARE NO PICTURES.


Not sure I understand - "those are no pictures." I assume the line you are referencing is:

In one hand, a coffee thermos. In the other, a set of car
keys. As he reaches a:


Your saying you prefer not referencing that he is carrying car keys?


Quoted Text
6. There's a slight inconsistence in the usage of character names. Some have first name and surname. Some have only first name, then there was the odd long DETECTIVE ANNA RAMIREZ.

It's an unnecessary playing around. I don't know the perfect AE term (shenanigan?) but it's really just an noticeable, irritating choice of inconsistency.

I myself only use one name, one word, for one character. There's only one variance I use: I sometimes give bad guys the surname and good guys the first name what serves some orientation, I like to believe

Bottom line is, those character names we read a million times in your script need to take as few space as possible. Put simply: things like names are just clear as shit... after five pages we anyway connect faces with the first three letters that reach our eye... the rest is noticable playing around...


Not using "shenanigans" here or playing around. As a rule, I am perfectly okay with using the first name for some characters and the last one for others and a title (e.g., CAPTAIN, etc.) for others - especially those that appear infrequently.  In terms of DETECTIVE ANNA RAMIREZ - I think you are correct that her first name would suffice. Good catch
Quoted Text


Story: I left the story when Gabriel goes for a ride to the old lady with the ticket. In those last pages of the first ten, the script was obviously gaining momentum and getting better, and I definitely like to read on when there's time.

Your plotting is matured and you truly drag us into the story in an intelligent way. Of course some editing and rewriting could make each moment even better, but the general structure feels good to read. There's nothing more to say: it's good story-wise. The introduction of Ramirez and the accompanying starting plot about the lottery ticket f.i. -- all good at the story front.


Thanks


Quoted Text
There is one point that I didn't like and you should rethink in any case, imo:
It's not a problem that we're not 100% clear about the protagonist yet. (Though I'd put my money rather on Ramirez than Gabriel). It's fine. I think the story already foreshadows a social study, with lots of real-life antiheroes having to take questionable decisions like in: Crash, Training Day, La Confidential. All that may be settled in the ethnical group of Latinos – at least that's what the characters' names imply to me as a not-knowing German…


Yep - that is pretty much it.


Quoted Text
The problem I see yet, lies/starts in the very first scene. It's super generic to have a "surprised at the car in the dark" - scene. To me, it's also super generic how you handled this story ignition if your true ambition is to go deep in characterization of these people in this script.

The scene is well told but -- it's still feels too meaningless and bland, as a low budget crime story would start, that bases on gangsters searching our empathy when using words like "gringo" with their desert eagle in hand.

And I don't believe that is the path of your story. Not at all.

The major problem that starts in this scene and continues till page 11 is that we don't know any reason why Gabriel owes Lobo that money - his life's problem. Then, as told, it feels super easy how Lobo gets Gabriel's girl and faces Gabriel with a fait accompli, like a snap.

There might be a reason you left that out, and roll up that whole thing about the money from behind - I really like to believe that you don't leave it unexplained. But even then there's a problem:

As described above, the scene is not strong enough.

The credit you may get later – about how intelligent it was of you to not tell Gabriel's exact mistakes and problems from the start – does not help you live on screen in that scene.

If there's no character depth and a creative, intriguing plot we never saw before that way – then you just throw your slight different version of the "surprised at the car in the dark" scene at us.

When you go deep within those 120 pages, and I'd bet my ass you do, then the first scene must mirror the intelligence and characteristics of the screenplay 100% --
character-wise
or/and
intriguing in case of story experience, creativity, freshness.

I hope you understand what I mean. Even if some that I state about that scene may sound harsh, like having a low-budget feeling etc. , I just hope you would want my clear opinion on it. Sometimes we don't see it all from the inside, and since I think you set pretty high standards toward yourself, I better be clear that this opening scene may collide with your definite level of aspiration.


The root of Gabriel's debt was drugs. I thought that became obvious when he was snorting cocaine in his car on page 5.  Perhaps it would be clearer if I made a reference to it in the opening scene - but it didn't quite seem natural for Lobo to say something like are you going to be pay me for the drugs - because they both already know what the money is owed for. Maybe a line along the line of - do you know what happened to the last junkie who stiffed me. I think it is clear - but think it worthwhile to revisit the scene to make sure that it is.


Quoted Text
Otherwise, looking first time into one of your features, I completely understand now why you got so much success with readers and in those competitions lately.

It's really very good, and in every imaginable facet of screenwriting, there's not much missing here compared to how a professional, produced high quality screenplay works.

However, I'm looking forward to read it through at some point…


Thanks.

And thanks for all of the feedback - thought provoking and I know you took a lot of time to frame these thoughts. Really appreciated, mate.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankH
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

I'd like to take a stab at your script. interesting title and logline. Noticed you posted a couple of revisions. If you're planning a re-write in the very near future, I'll hold off on the review.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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eldave1
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankH
Hey Dave,

I'd like to take a stab at your script. interesting title and logline. Noticed you posted a couple of revisions. If you're planning a re-write in the very near future, I'll hold off on the review.

Frank


Thanks Frank. The most recentversion is up. Not working on a rewrite


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankH
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

Read your script.
Not read any other reviews, so I might double up on stuff.

Digest my feedback as you wish. I'm new to screenwriting. These are my opinions.

Overall I liked it. Good dialogue. I could easily visualize the scenes you set-up and showed us. Characters came alive.
Also liked the way you "solved" the crimes, piece by piece.
Very interesting piece of work.

P1: "A giddy MALE REPORTER (30) with a face you just want to punch " --- great description
P15: " Worn carpet meets faded linoleum" --- great description
P42: "HUCK Basically, a five-foot pile of shit." --- funny stuff.
P78: "Little Stevie sits in a chair at a metal table, twitching like a nervous chihuahua" --- again funny, great description.
P87: "PHYSICAL THERAPIST Thank you, soldier" --- I really liked this one

Okay, onto some nit picks and other stuff:
In action, replacing "and" with a "," can make a script a little leaner.
"is/are/am/does" tend to tell rather than show in action.
CONT'D seems to lose its fan base these days, just remove it.
Words like "start" and "then" really not needed. Use "stands" instead of "stands up". "Sits" instead of "sits down"
P8: "puts on a headset on and presses the answer button" --- one "on" too many.
P13: "KOREAN OWNER (50), He has bald patches" --- a "." instead of a ","
P15: "As Esperanza shuffles towards a recliner in the center of the room. She points over at a television." --- "," instead of "."
P43: "DECTECTIVE ANNA RAMIREZ" --- why her rank and full name, throughout the script you refer to her as Anna.
P44: "LITTLE STEVIE (reading paper) “..." --- not sure what this is, maybe some leftovers from an older version.
P46: Anna's dialogue, " Anything we found could be thrown out -- " --- she's not really being interrupted, so the use of "--" might not be necessary.
P53: Anna's dialogue in parenthesis, I don't know what that means.
P57: " He places the barrel of his revolver on Double V’s forehead." -- maybe too soft to use "places"
P64: "ANNA You point? " --- is that suppose to be "your point?"
P65: " Two CORONER ASSISTANT’s " --- get rid of the "'"
P69: "HUCK You don’t have to go the funeral." --- missing "to"
P73: " SHOUTING of reporters " --- cap R in reporters
P119: "PABLO I’m giving most if it to Saint Mary’s." --- replace "of" with "if"

I guess numbers should be written out in dialogue, but in this script it makes it more clear and more sense not to do it.

I felt some slug-lines were a little bit over the top, too much information.

You transition to scenes with a ":". Is that a personal preference or a format thing?
Looks like the use of " - " replaces ",". Is that the thinking behind the use of " - "?

The one thing I was not a big fan of was the use of additional explanations or narrative in your action lines, usually followed by a " _ ".
At times overwritten, too many details. Some narrative is okay, makes for a fun read, but loads up the script with unfilmable pages.

Another thing, I'm not a big fan of parantheticals either. I believe some can be added to action lines and some can be removed.
I would keep parenthecals to a minimum. I think your writing is very good, so it doesn't really need most of the parenthecals.

Isn't (O.C.) mostly used in TV scripts. (O.S.) in movie scripts.

Maybe cut some fat off the ending when Anna knows it's Huck.

Conclusion:
Enjoyed reading your script. It felt authentic. A couple of nice twists.
My advice would be to trim off some pages, possible remove some scenes and make it leaner.
The story is the thing. I felt your story is a really good one.

Good luck with your script.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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eldave1
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Frank - much thanks for the review.


Quoted Text
In action, replacing "and" with a "," can make a script a little leaner.
"is/are/am/does" tend to tell rather than show in action.


Solid advice - there are a ton of these I can delete


Quoted Text
CONT'D seems to lose its fan base these days, just remove it.


I agree - only intend to use it when there is a dialogue break from one page to the next.


Quoted Text
Words like "start" and "then" really not needed. Use "stands" instead of "stands up". "Sits" instead of "sits down"


Good - picked out a bunch of these for deletion as well


Quoted Text
P8: "puts on a headset on and presses the answer button" --- one "on" too many
P13: "KOREAN OWNER (50), He has bald patches" --- a "." instead of a ","
P15: "As Esperanza shuffles towards a recliner in the center of the room. She points over at a television." --- "," instead of "."
P43: "DECTECTIVE ANNA RAMIREZ" --- why her rank and full name, throughout the script you refer to her as Anna.
P44: "LITTLE STEVIE (reading paper) “..." --- not sure what this is, maybe some leftovers from an older version.
P46: Anna's dialogue, " Anything we found could be thrown out -- " --- she's not really being interrupted, so the use of "--" might not be necessary.
P53: Anna's dialogue in parenthesis, I don't know what that means.
P57: " He places the barrel of his revolver on Double V’s forehead." -- maybe too soft to use "places"
P64: "ANNA You point? " --- is that suppose to be "your point?"
P65: " Two CORONER ASSISTANT’s " --- get rid of the "'"
P69: "HUCK You don’t have to go the funeral." --- missing "to"
P73: " SHOUTING of reporters " --- cap R in reporters
P119: "PABLO I’m giving most if it to Saint Mary’s." --- replace "of" with "if"


Thanks a million! It is amazing how many times I can go through something and still miss these things. I have now corrected them all. Great catches.


Quoted Text
I guess numbers should be written out in dialogue, but in this script it makes it more clear and more sense not to do it.


Yeah, I normally write them out - it just seemed to be clearer going the other way here.


Quoted Text
I felt some slug-lines were a little bit over the top, too much information.


I have mixed emotions on this. One school of thought is that since you have to use a line anyway, include as much relevant information as you can and it is a scene heading - not dialogue or action.

I do agree that the scene headings should never cause a hiccup in the read. Bulkier ones could do that - I'll take a fresh look at them.


Quoted Text
You transition to scenes with a ":". Is that a personal preference or a format thing?


I took to doing this when using mini-slugs and it is totally non standard. You are correct. Technically, it should be:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Dave turns off the TV and enters the

BEDROOM

His wife stirs is waiting.

In normal writing, a colon gives emphasis to whatever you are introducing because the reader must come to a full stop at the colon, which causes them to pay attention to what comes next.

Example:
Richard was the best person for the job because he had experience in one key area: teaching.

I kind of viewed the mini-slug the same way - I wanted the eyes to stop there. I know it is technically incorrect. I am still mulling it over and will probably go back to the standard.


Quoted Text
Looks like the use of " - " replaces ",". Is that the thinking behind the use of " - "?


Sometimes. Again, I know technically a comma is appropriate. I like the - rather than the , when there is, at least in my mind, some time lag between the actions. For example:

"Lobo lights a cigarette - flicks the match against Gabriel’s chest."

Should technically have a comma after cigarette rather than a -. But to my eye, I like the - because it connotes some time lapse between the two actions. Just a style choice.


Quoted Text
The one thing I was not a big fan of was the use of additional explanations or narrative in your action lines, usually followed by a " _ ".
At times overwritten, too many details. Some narrative is okay, makes for a fun read, but loads up the script with unfilmable pages.


Others have made similar comments. While others have said they like the descriptions for purposes of setting the right tone. I am trying to find the right balance so will definitely take a another look. I am comfortable with unfilmables if I feel they are important to tone and place.


Quoted Text
Another thing, I'm not a big fan of parantheticals either. I believe some can be added to action lines and some can be removed.
I would keep parenthecals to a minimum. I think your writing is very good, so it doesn't really need most of the parenthecals.


Agree and disagree. I like the use of them if they replace an action line that would otherwise be needed: e.g.,

GABRIEL
Oh, God no. Sorry - sorry.
(as he walks off)
Keep the change.

To be, that is just more efficient than writing an extra line and the required blank space with him walking off.

I like them when the tone is opposite the dialogue (e.g., sarcastically)

I don't like them when the emotion is either obvious or best left to the actor/director - I will take another look to see if there are opportunities to delete any in this area.


Quoted Text
Isn't (O.C.) mostly used in TV scripts. (O.S.) in movie scripts.


I think they are interchangeable.


Quoted Text
Maybe cut some fat off the ending when Anna knows it's Huck.


I agree it could use some trimming


Quoted Text
Conclusion:
Enjoyed reading your script. It felt authentic. A couple of nice twists.
My advice would be to trim off some pages, possible remove some scenes and make it leaner.
The story is the thing. I felt your story is a really good one.

Good luck with your script.


Thanks  so much for the read, Frank. Very valuable feedback. Make sure to hit me up if there is anything of yours I can look at.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gum
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

Thought I’d give this a read. I noticed you (somewhat) sealed this off, indicating you’re not doing any more revisions, so this might come off as unnecessary info. Anyway, I read it all. Truthfully, I loaded it into Spreeder-dot-com and fired it into my head at about 400 wpm… I caught the bulk of what transpired, as well, got a feel for the overall cadence of the script in terms of emotional frequency.

The first act had a nice rise and fall, like breathing, the script felt alive. Shortly into the second act, however, it took on a stasis that seemed to stay with the story till the end (engaging but, had a loss of up and down/in and out motion).

There could be a few things shed to tighten it up IMO. First and foremost was the introduction of Pedro and his loss of two limbs. This would be congruent with months of being bed ridden, followed by immense psychological trauma and, finally, months of rehab in order to walk with prosthetic(s). He doesn’t have to disappear altogether but, perhaps can show at the end to finalize the direction of the lottery winnings.

Your protag, Anna, at times appears to be along for the ride. She is then hit with the realization that the deceased lady was her Nanny? I didn’t feel the heartfelt drive from her to solve anything really. She received a lot of info via other departments doing their thing and, basically handing her the results. A lone fingerprint is somewhat nonchalant regarding the ‘who done it’ genre… however, the belt analysis was a good touch of sleuth activity.

Pedro shows up to spoon feed the task force some info about his father being a member of the Varrio Nuevo Estrada, their gang rituals of tattoos, etc, that I believe could be passed onto Anna from a gang control unit after she inquires about the tattoos in the Polaroid. This would further cement her involvement in being a true detective. The tickets may have also been Anna’s find but, she had Huck look into it while she was engaged in some other aspect of the case, which could set him up as saying something along the lines of a “false lead”, which in turn forces her to harbour doubts about Huck because she knows there is something about the tickets that don’t add up.

I hope some any of this helps, if not and you’re gonna let this script sit for a while, that’s cool also. I really did enjoy the story and, I think Gabriel could have played a larger part with respect to why he would go to such lengths to ensure Lobo (the Wolf) would not make good on his words of hurting those closest to him. I believe Gabriel would have understood the complications of someone else claiming a major prize winning ticket and, might have gone to elaborate lengths to show the audience how a scam could work, by having inside information on how the system works. That might be a fun road to travel; a story within a story… murder and fraud wrapped in an enigma.

Best of luck!
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eldave1
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gum
Hey Dave,

Thought I’d give this a read. I noticed you (somewhat) sealed this off, indicating you’re not doing any more revisions, so this might come off as unnecessary info. Anyway, I read it all. Truthfully, I loaded it into Spreeder-dot-com and fired it into my head at about 400 wpm… I caught the bulk of what transpired, as well, got a feel for the overall cadence of the script in terms of emotional frequency.

The first act had a nice rise and fall, like breathing, the script felt alive. Shortly into the second act, however, it took on a stasis that seemed to stay with the story till the end (engaging but, had a loss of up and down/in and out motion).

There could be a few things shed to tighten it up IMO. First and foremost was the introduction of Pedro and his loss of two limbs. This would be congruent with months of being bed ridden, followed by immense psychological trauma and, finally, months of rehab in order to walk with prosthetic(s). He doesn’t have to disappear altogether but, perhaps can show at the end to finalize the direction of the lottery winnings.

Your protag, Anna, at times appears to be along for the ride. She is then hit with the realization that the deceased lady was her Nanny? I didn’t feel the heartfelt drive from her to solve anything really. She received a lot of info via other departments doing their thing and, basically handing her the results. A lone fingerprint is somewhat nonchalant regarding the ‘who done it’ genre… however, the belt analysis was a good touch of sleuth activity.

Pedro shows up to spoon feed the task force some info about his father being a member of the Varrio Nuevo Estrada, their gang rituals of tattoos, etc, that I believe could be passed onto Anna from a gang control unit after she inquires about the tattoos in the Polaroid. This would further cement her involvement in being a true detective. The tickets may have also been Anna’s find but, she had Huck look into it while she was engaged in some other aspect of the case, which could set him up as saying something along the lines of a “false lead”, which in turn forces her to harbour doubts about Huck because she knows there is something about the tickets that don’t add up.

I hope some any of this helps, if not and you’re gonna let this script sit for a while, that’s cool also. I really did enjoy the story and, I think Gabriel could have played a larger part with respect to why he would go to such lengths to ensure Lobo (the Wolf) would not make good on his words of hurting those closest to him. I believe Gabriel would have understood the complications of someone else claiming a major prize winning ticket and, might have gone to elaborate lengths to show the audience how a scam could work, by having inside information on how the system works. That might be a fun road to travel; a story within a story… murder and fraud wrapped in an enigma.

Best of luck!



Thanks so much for the read and the insights - they were very valuable and will certainly consider when I tackle this  again. Much thanks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gum
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Anytime, glad you could get something out of it. As well, sorry for being so succinct, lol. I had to write the post with the entire script fresh in mind before I forgot what I wanted to say. There was more I thought about afterwards but, you seem to have your hands full with feedback from previous posts, so, I’ll leave it be for now. Do let me know if you post another version though, till then… all the best.
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eldave1
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gum
Anytime, glad you could get something out of it. As well, sorry for being so succinct, lol. I had to write the post with the entire script fresh in mind before I forgot what I wanted to say. There was more I thought about afterwards but, you seem to have your hands full with feedback from previous posts, so, I’ll leave it be for now. Do let me know if you post another version though, till then… all the best.


Will do - thanks again, mate


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankH
Posted: February 19th, 2017, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Glad some of the feedback was helpful.

I got a thriller posted,  "Inconceivable Pain".
You had a quick look at it a few months ago.
A revised version was posted recently.
Would certainly appreciate your input.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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