Experimental Heroes by Stephen Cameron - Short, Drama - Two men alone in a cell. What's the worst that can happen? - pdf, format

I like the title. I like the tale. The characters seemed real. And I am aware of the page constraint that you could not develop this further. And it was written clearly and the tale flowed naturally. Overall, good job. Just do a rewrite after this competition is done.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

That was a really neat idea.  I thought the action descriptions were done well and the way the story was laid out was pretty good too.  I think, however, that you need some work on your dialogue.  A lot of it was too on the nose.  Try to say what you want to say in your dialogue without blurting it out.

I am giving this a REWRITE.

Hey,

I didn't like this too much, but it was ok.

I think a lot of your dialog was too expositional and you were trying to get across a lot of stuff that wasn't that necessary. One line that stands out in my mind was the, "it was our anniversary, and you took that away from me". We already know he should be upset, this just came across as overly specific.

I'm not sure if this is the best way for this to be structured. You might have done it this way because of the page constraint but as it is I don't know if the reveal is as powerful as it could have been.

You also stopped labeling flashbacks as flashbacks. And if you were trying to convey the "2 days latter" thing to the audience you should superimpose it or something. This also came right before a flashback which was kind of confusing.

sheepwalker    

The good:

~I like the premise and the use of flashbacks to tell the story. Also, Jake's comeuppance was nice.

The bad (or not as good):

~I agree with mcornetto's "on the nose" comment.  The dialog is the weakest part of this script, IMO.

~"2 days Earlier" should be SUPER: "TWO DAYS EARLIER", since it's supposed to be seen on screen.

~Dave mentions that Jake is awaiting trial, but that doesn't make sense if he's in prison. A prison is for criminals who have already been convicted, not those awaiting trial. I think you have prison confused with jail. They're different. (And the setting for this OWC was a prison cell not a jail cell - I know, a nitpick, but I had to mention it).

This one needs a rewrite to really stand out, but the framework is there.

I'll give it a B-.

I didn't like this one very much. Format was good for the most part, but I'm not going to go into the minor format issues.

The basic premise is solid. However, the execution is decent. But the believability of the whole thing ruined this for me. This read like a cheesy anime script to me. It was preachy and conversations drug on much longer then they needed to.

Also, the visual image of the 'crispy baby' was just hilarious. Sorry, but I really didn't enjoy this one.

I'll give it a D

~Zack~

This one was okay for me. I got confused with what were flashbacks and what weren't since you just stopped labeling them.

I got confused for why he was in prison in the first place. Because he blew up a building to stop terrorists?

The descriptions were good, but that's the only thing I liked about this script. The dialogue, like others said, didn't work for me. I got lost most of the time. Sorry.

Sean

Like everyone else, it was a good idea. I liked how you presented it, but again the dialogue was indeed your weakest part.

I can see this being better if it were longer, so you should rewrite it so you're not restrained by length.

Good job.

This moves well and is compelling. As other people have commented it is let down by seeming implausible.

And for my nit pick - In the coffee shop he should be sitting shielded by something if he knows the window is about to blow in. Why doesn’t he get killed?

Philip

I think I know who wrote this one, actually, though not many would recognize his style.

This one is ambitious, but goes wide left and misses the mark.  I think the complex narrative is compressed more than it should have been, and that is why some of the dialogue is too packed with exposition, coming off a bit flat.

Notably, Dave talks too much near the end, and I think it is out of character for Jake to apologize for what he has done.  Dave’s rage would be more powerful if it were expressed with fewer words.

I like the twist, and I like what the author is trying to accomplish with this story.  But sometimes you read these and can tell that the author would have benefited from additional time.  I think that is the case here.

OWC Score:  80%.

As a concept I thought this was quite intriguing.  The whole issue with the scientists and the experiments gone wrong felt a little too sci-fi for me though.  Mainly, I think, because it wasn't necessary.  You could have just made him just some crazy radical and the story wouldn't have missed a beat.

The twist, when it came, was effective.  You played us along nicely.  The dialogue was a bit uneven, at times a little on the nose, other times it felt genuine.

-Mike

A good story idea. I liked the twist at the end, but like others have mentioned, it could have been more successful with a deeper set up.

The first line of dialogue bugged me and made me scrutinize the rest. The old "What are you in for?" line works best for prison, I think. Much of the dialogue is flat. I have to agree with Zack's comment that it read like an anime script (they're all cheesy, ha ha). I had to keep going back to the beginning to remember who was who (Dave and Jake).

The story was good, you knew right away something was up when Dave was taking a dump while they were talking. Good way to hint at the story while not giving it away.

James

The premise to this one for me was appealing and it is a pretty good story, but ultimately falls flat at a couple different points along the way.

The main thing that throws everything off is that... is Dave really a terrorist, since he's Jake's target?

If it's just an experiment, aren't the men Dave is talking to the people who are experimenting with Jake?  And they're the ones who told him to blow something up?  Seems to me Dave should have it in for them, if that's the case.  Maybe I have to reread this again just to make sure it isn't something that I missed.

It is a good idea and I really liked the writing, but I do think this one could definitely benefit from a rewrite later on.

- Mark

I really didn't like it. I read it twice and I'm still not sure what happened. Even if Jake is crazy, he still needs a reason for going after Dave and I don't feel that your reason is good enough.

The most redeemable part was the twist. I didn't see it comin'.

There were also a lot of small formatting issues. It's okay not to have the time, but leaving a dash hanging like that's a little odd. You don't need the dash if there's no time.

Quoted from James R A good story idea. I liked the twist at the end, but like others have mentioned, it could have been more successful with a deeper set up. The first line of dialogue bugged me and made me scrutinize the rest. The old "What are you in for?" line works best for prison, I think. Much of the dialogue is flat. I have to agree with Zack's comment that it read like an anime script (they're all cheesy, ha ha). I had to keep going back to the beginning to remember who was who (Dave and Jake). The story was good, you knew right away something was up when Dave was taking a dump while they were talking. Good way to hint at the story while not giving it away. James

I have to say, that post also put my opinion perfectly. Very interesting story idea, but the lack of depth really didn't work well. Also, the dialogue is almost cardboard in times, and moves so fast that it throws reality out the window in exchange for cutting to the chase. Example:


JAKE
Those wounds look fresh.

DAVE
They do? I hadn't noticed.

JAKE
Who are you really?

DAVE
Your target.


Honestly, the jump from "I hadn't noticed" to "who are you really" doesn't even make sense to me. Two separate subjects in a span of a second. Try to link that; the dialogue fails to feel very tightened.

Much of the dialogue is blunt and cheesy, such as:


DAVE
You can never be sorry because you're sick. The real reason you're in here is because you're a terrorist...


No offense meant by it, but I found lines like that almost laughable (God knows I've wrote of few of these kind of 'gems' myself).

In the end, I really want to see this rewritten and expanded. It added a revenge plot in a Hostel-esque (paying to kill someone) theme.

Great story. Work and tighten the dialogue, please.

P.S. - Great title, by the way.

This short was pretty okay. I liked the idea a lot, the execution could’ve been a bit better. People have already mentioned the twist at the end, which was interesting, but would benefit from some reinforcing earlier on.

My biggest problem was the dialogue. There was a lot of awkward speeches in the script. Characters talking for too long and saying things that even people in similar situations wouldn’t say. For example:

Quoted Text DAVE I lost my family in a senseless act of terrorism and all I have left are physical and emotional scars reminding me of the day it all went away.

This is really awkward. We know about the physical and emotional scars. We just saw his wife and child incinerated; his emotional scars speak for themselves. To hear him say it so specifically is really clunky, and there’s lots of this kind of dialogue like that. It could use punching up.

All in all, it wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t terrific. The ideas were good, but it could’ve been handled a bit better. I think this probably has something to do with the time constraints, another couple of weeks work and I think this would’ve been much better.


Matt.

I enjoyed the story despite the already mentioned dialogue and plausibility issues.
You've been grilled on the use/non-use of Flashback headings.  But you were consistent in your moving from the present to the past, so I was never at a loss for what was happening.
I liked the way you tell Jake's story as he commits the terrorist act, giving him a robotic, programmed movement through the scenes.
One thing that didn't work for me was when Dave says:  "So, you're the one who blew up that coffee shop?"  And Jake replies:  "See everyone thinks I blew us some minimal mom and pop coffee shop when really it was the building... "   How could anybody think the bomb was set in the coffee shop?
I think it would be clear to investigators where the bomb originated and of course, the media would pick up on that also.
There is too much talk as Dave is strangling Jake.
I'm not sure of the the flashback ending, when Dave addresses the 6 silhouetted men.
The silhouetted men all but admit that Jake was an experiment gone awry.  But aren't Jake's terrorist actions a result of the experiments?  That means the silhouetted men are responsible to a large degree.
Anyway, I thought for the most part the story was clear and the read was pretty quick.  Nice job.

I liked this one for the most part.  The premise is interesting and I liked how the story went back and forth in time giving little pieces of information at a time.  I think Jake apologizing while he was being strangled seemed a bit off, I thought he would fight back more.  And the closing dialogue by Dave felt a bit weird to me as well.  But as a whole it worked for me and it fit the challenge quite well.  Also the best log line so far for this challenge

I like this one...Real easy to read, proper formatting with ample white space...Would have liked a little more backstory and development on Jake...He has a hero complex, but why? Dialogue wise, he doesn't quite sound insane enough

Quoted from Text "Do you believe that certain people are chosen as saviors and deities of earth and what they do is for the good of humanity?"

  If he believes that, then that holier, I AM GREATER THAN THOU attitude might have shown through a bit more in his dialogue...I did like it though, and would like to see the story developed further...

Firstly I liked the idea of this.

Have to agree with everyone else about the dialogue. Main culprit was the first line "How did you get in this place?" That's just far too on the nose, and unless I've been woefully miss-informed people get killed for asking that in prison. (Maybe I've watched too many movies).

I got mixed up with who was who too. Had to keep going back a page every now and then.

The way Dave talks whilst strangling Jake just wouldn't happen aswell. Try it! lol ok don't try it as you'll be arrested. He's not out of breath from the struggle? I refuse to believe that he could say those words.

My idea of improving this would be to have Jake badly beaten and tied up in the prison cell and Dave forcing him to tell the story. You would still leave us guessing about the whole story and I think you would be able to sort out the dialogue problems that way. That would only be with the restrictions in place though. Without the page limit I think you'll be able to sort this out no problem.