Well, that was short. I like shorts. I like the other website that many of us frequent that features 5 pagers. However, with the 12 page format, take advantage of the bigger canvas and fill it up...Show Buck as the scoundrel he is...Give Big T more depth than just the enforcer in the cell...Maybe he has a history with pedophiles that makes it mean something deeply personal to him when Buck is getting pummelled, otherwise, he's just mean and Buck is almost sympathetic as a kid getting picked on by the bully...The 50 grand transfer shows that he is not only a pervert, but he is a stupid pervert...How'd he get that kind of cash? How did he approach the guard with the offer? There was more story here if given the opportunity...

Hi, I wrote this one and thanks for the reads and comments.
This was my first OWC and I've only started writing in the last couple of months so I wanted to keep it simple.
I really just wanted it to be a snippet of life in prison for someone who has commited the worst possible crime and to portray the final scene where he has any hope left.
Totally agree with the believability comments, he would be in a sepearate area and the guard would know what he had done. It's an interesting idea to make his crime a petty one, think that was Ariel. So I'll probably look into that if I do a rewrite.
Overall, really on a learning curve at the moment so hopefully by the time the next OWC comes around my entry will be 10 times better.

Thanks
Ste

Quoted Text Totally agree with the believability comments

Dude, you had one week to do this so don't be too hard on yourself. Unless you already know a lot about prison you can only guess at some of the finer details. We didn't have time to do in-depth research (thank goodness I went with a fantasy world) about the inner workings of a prison.

Good work for only a week.

James R

Hey,

Not bad. There was a simple story but you need to flesh it out more. And also fix how they arrange their business. Fifty thousand dollars, that's a lot. More depth is needed. But overall good.

Gabe

P.S. I like the Shining picture.