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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Them That's Dead - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed! Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Them That's Dead - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed!  (currently 11629 views)
Eoin
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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This one was as  razor sharp as O' Shea's teeth, flowed as easily as the Celtic Sea and was as polished as the loot in the chest. Top drawer. I disagree about not knowing who to root for, I think the cruelty and twisted nature of both Gulley and Rhiannon play nicely against the seemingly mute and mistreated Brocc. Great surprised and the end, I was sucked tight in. Well done on completing the OWC.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Wow! I know who wrote this one. Wow! Loved it. I don't have much to say other than that. This gets a vote from me.

Gabe
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shane
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely the tightest and best written one I've read so far. I loved the dialogue and the characters.

The only thing is that it wasn't a horror to me at all. I agree with whoever mentioned the humorous quality of the dialogue. I definitely sensed that as well, but that might just be my natural draw towards comedy. It felt like a creepier version of Pirates with some Goonies thrown in there.

I thought the twist was great and I had no idea what it would be. However, I knew there had to be something because this was too well written for Brocc to only be there to provide the muscle. I guess that's not a bad problem to have though when the reader expects every character to play a major role, and isn't let down.

Overall, very impressive that you created this world and these characters in only a week. Great job.
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wannabe
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Just noticed this thread has 782 hits.  WTF?  LOL
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bert
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
I even consider subtracting argument sequences from genuine comments on a story.


You forgot the additional hits when a mod has to come in a delete and bunch of B.S.

This is the second time this thread has been derailed by unrelated chatter requiring subsequent deletions.

Please guys, stick to the script.


-------------------------------- EDIT:

As to your question, Wannabe, the count on this thread is so high because of a 3-Way Battle Royale yesterday between 3 board members.

And everybody needs to watch one of those, you know?

That stuff has been deleted now, but views can jump several hundred within an hour on such a thread.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  February 27th, 2011, 6:18pm
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mcornetto
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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I don't really like pirate movies but I thought this was well written and it was an appropriate pirate's tale told well.  The dialogue was pretty good too.

However, while I thought it was good, I really wasn't over the moon about it. It wasn't that much different from other movies I've seen in this genre, it didn't add anything new.  Plus it doesn't have much value - except as entertainment (which is ok but I thought I would note that).  Furthermore, while I think production might be inexpensive, making this story believable would be quite difficult and probably more expensive than one might think.      
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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Yeah...  out of all the ones I've read so far... this is definitely one of the better ones.  Your characters, dialogue, and the fact it unfolded very nicely won me over, but not so much the story overall, I felt it wasn't strong enough, but you only had a week, and I know if you had another... you could accomplish that.  JMHO.

but what do I know, congrats.  

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Pard
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Well written dialogue and an interesting premise.  Not sure about the practicalities of filming it for the purposes of this particular competition, but still a solid short.
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shootingduck
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Well written, excellent visuals, your characters have distinct voices.  I enjoyed this piece.

I did question some of the characters' motives though.  Why does the witch care if the mute takes the treasure?  She had motive to curse the captain because he disrespected her and forced the other two to desecrate a corpse and was an all 'round dick.  But the mute, as far as she knew, was just a grunt who was forced against his will to go on this expedition.  So I don't quite get why she feels the need to punish him for wanting the treasure (prior to his reveal of course).  Also not sure as to why the mute needed to put on such a facade in the first place.  I guess one could assume he needed the captain's ship to reach the caves or perhaps he didn't know where to find the body?  Maybe he knew the cave would be boobytrapped and so the captain was used like a miner would use a canary?
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James McClung
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was excellent. Very simple, first off. Didn't try to be too gory nor too atmospheric. The twists were clever but didn't play off like the writer thought they were. Nothing felt shoved in your face or overemphasized for dramatic effect. The whole thing really just went with the flow and and didn't try to be too much of anything or mess with the audience yet had a really tasty, classic and entertaining feel to it. I enjoyed the chemistry between Ghully and Riannan as well as Ghully's dialogue. It was a little cartoony at times but still felt authentic.

Really didn't find anything wrong with this one but just to throw you a bone, I'll say perhaps Brocc could've been pushed around a little more or put seemingly in danger. The quiet one's are always suspect but even more so when they're not really involved in the proceedings. Maybe if he was a little more of a whipping boy, he'd have more of a place in the story before the twist.

Nice one, dude. Really fun.


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reuel51
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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A Fast and enjoyable read. Very visual. Very authentic sounding dialog. Excellent job.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Ok, I've read this, given my critique and I want to commend the author on their work even if it's not necessary, obviously, because you, the author know, how difficult it really is to construct something that is as valid as this, so pretty, in a handful of hours during a difficult week of mundane tasks and stupid interferences...

My words now are coming from someone who hasn't been fully indoctrinated into film culture, someone who hasn't seen a lot and doesn't know all of the tricks. If I did, perhaps it would ruin it for me-- ruin the fun.

Unfortunately, Them That's Dead, felt to me like a movie that had already been done, and the tricks revealed. And this kind of comment really sucks. For us all. Because what do we have? If not our tricks. When we learn them of course.

You know when you meet that beautiful woman? Or ladies, that man, whose the perfect specimen-- eye candy, they say. But when you get to know them, they lack substance? It's all surface appeal? This is the way this one felt for me. Beautifully perfect on the outside, but lacking substance on the inside.

I really want to give you kudos for doing this in a week's time. It's amazing. How it sucks though, after we do so much work to get to this level... And someone goes and raises the bar on us.

Excellent work though! Let the critics suck bananas!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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My dearest Sandra...funny, cause sometimes we TOTALLY agree, and sometimes we TOTALLY disagree.

This well written, well put together, and well thought out.  There's attention to detail, there's obvious research, there's obvious effort and expertise.  As Litzkev (is that spelled right?) put it a few nights ago, this is a craftsman at work, here.

Now, as noted in my post on this one, I did have issues with certain plot points and the like, but that's always going to be the case (and I'm not just inclduing me here).

Point is, this along with 2 other entries, is expertly written, put together, and thought out.  It works and it's enjoyable, anyway you look at it.  All critical issues, plot questions, and story changes will only make this better...and it's already quite damn good.

BRAVO!!!!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Leitskev a name drawn from my bar, Leitrim's Pub. Have had the email a while, used as my SS name.

You guys are having a very interesting exchange, and I think this script is a great focal point for a related discussion.

What this writer did with the dialogue was unbelievable. In the brief time I have been learning screenwriting, I've partially read several hundred scripts, beginning with filmed ones that we all know. This writer created voices that had a clarity and a distinctiveness that I didn't see in any of these hundreds of scripts...and did it in a week!

I hope he/she remembers to come back and visit after they make it big.

That said, there was something missing from the story, something missing from a lot of stories, and it was something specifically called for in this challenge: a theme.

A twist is not a theme. If the twist is so brilliant and well crafted that it blows us away, it can substituted for a theme. In this case, the twist did not blow me away. In fact I saw it coming, which is ok if it's really unique. But a false bottom is not real unique. How much treasure could be in a false bottom? I did not anticipate the mute being the son of Sharky, but I did anticipate him not being a mute, and basically doing what he did.

What's really awesome about SS is that there is a real focus on writing. The writers are very demanding and don't accept anything less than quality writing. It's a great place to be to develop writing expertise.

Where I think sometimes the focus is lost is on the story development. Hey, a good story with sharp characters, twists, themes and plausibility is hard. This was easily one of my favorite stories in this OWC. But that's because it was a nice read. And I think this could make a brilliant piece of a larger story. But as it stands, there is no character development, certainly no character you root for or against; there is nothing thematic; the twist is somewhat cliche, predictable, flat.

This is a horror challenge. You should be scared or at least creeped out or shocked at some point. The mute eating the witch is the attempt at that. The problem is you don't really care about the witch. There is also nothing to identify with. The story the Captive starts out in the woods with a guy chasing a girl with an ax, I think. Everyone has driven in dark woods, so can identify with it, put themselves there. That makes it scary.

The White Women has a frightened little girl with a being only she can see. Her father is away, the women home alone. People can identify with that. It's the perfect place to start.

The story with the raft in the water, actually there were 2 like that; cliche, but people can identify with it, something dark and dangerous in the deep. Don't put your hand in the water!!

At what point in this story are you scared, or creeped? Do you care what happens to anyone in it?

If I can ever write a quarter as well as this writer I will be happy. I just want to see more of a story, even in a short. That said, this was still a top 5 script.

Oh, and BTW; this writer definitely has the skills for novel writing, hope they consider that endeavor as well.

Ok, can't wait til the writer chimes in! Gonna probably rip me one!

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
leitskev  -  March 4th, 2011, 8:55pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from leitskev
Leitskev a name drawn from my bar, Leitrim's Pub. Have had the email a while, used as my SS name.

You guys are having a very interesting exchange, and I think this script is a great focal point for a related discussion.

What this writer did with the dialogue was unbelievable. In the brief time I have been learning screenwriting, I've partially read several hundred scripts, beginning with filmed ones that we all know. This writer created voices that had a clarity and a distinctiveness that I didn't see in any of these hundreds of scripts...and did it in a week!

I hope he/she remembers to come back and visit after they make it big.

That said, there was something missing from the story, something missing from a lot of stories, and it was something specifically called for in this challenge: a theme.

A twist is not a theme. If the twist is so brilliant and well crafted that it blows us away, it can substituted for a theme. In this case, the twist did not blow me away. In fact I saw it coming, which is ok if it's really unique. But a false bottom is not real unique. How much treasure could be in a false bottom? I did not anticipate the mute being the son of Sharky, but I did anticipate him not being a mute, and basically doing what he did.

What's really awesome about SS is that there is a real focus on writing. The writers are very demanding and don't accept anything less than quality writing. It's a great place to be to develop writing expertise.

Where I think sometimes the focus is lost is on the story development. Hey, a good story with sharp characters, twists, themes and plausibility is hard. This was easily one of my favorite stories in this OWC. But that's because it was a nice read. And I think this could make a brilliant piece of a larger story. But as it stands, there is no character development, certainly no character you root for or against; there is nothing thematic; the twist is somewhat cliche, predictable, flat.

This is a horror challenge. You should be scared or at least creeped out or shocked at some point. The mute eating the witch is the attempt at that. The problem is you don't really care about the witch. There is also nothing to identify with. The story the Captive starts out in the woods with a guy chasing a girl with an ax, I think. Everyone has driven in dark woods, so can identify with it, put themselves there. That makes it scary.

The White Women has a frightened little girl with a being only she can see. Her father is away, the women home alone. People can identify with that. It's the perfect place to start.

The story with the raft in the water, actually there were 2 like that; cliche, but people can identify with it, something dark and dangerous in the deep. Don't put your hand in the water!!

At what point in this story are you scared, or creeped? Do you care what happens to anyone in it?

If I can ever write a quarter as well as this writer I will be happy. I just want to see more of a story, even in a short. That said, this was still a top 5 script.

Oh, and BTW; this writer definitely has the skills for novel writing, hope they consider that endeavor as well.

Ok, can't wait til the writer chimes in! Gonna probably rip me one!


It's a little bit more than a little bit scary when you're in the company of such brilliance.

Leitskev, you're not only a fast reader, but you find all of the loose planks in the flooring.

If I could only have the deftness that you have.

I will sit at your feet and learn.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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