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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Them That's Dead - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed! Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Them That's Dead - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed!  (currently 11560 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Them That's Dead by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short - The dark art of necromancy proves perilous for a cutthroat trio of thieves seeking lost treasure.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

THEM THAT'S DEAD from Indie Me on Vimeo.







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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 20th, 2014, 3:03pm
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leitskev
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Started reading submissions to the challenge when it's late and I've been drinking. But the dialogue for this script is so well done I could have read for a couple of hours. Their voices were crystal clear in my head. Amazing. Very talented writer.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  Authentic, colorful dialogue.  Really set the scene with the craggy, oceanside cliffs.  The summoning of the corpse with the funnel was clever and would look good on film.  Came to a satisfying conclusion as Brocc reveals his identity, and dental work.

Pretty clean format.  I'm guessing you meant "rogue" instead of "rouge" on page one.

Overall, very well done.  This is my first read, and this one just set the bar pretty high.
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Baltis.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:14am Report to Moderator
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I wanted to say this had Phil written all over it -- That was until I opened it up and seen the absurd Title Page.  Maybe that's just a throw off, though.  But things like

"A shovel punches into the moist (WHICH IS HOT!  Sounds really good but then-->) and fleshy earth"

It sounds rushed with the and in there.

I think

"A shovel punches into the moist, fleshy earth"

sounds a bit better way to open this one up.  That's just me.  Overall I really enjoyed it, though.  Awesome characters built within no time.  Punchy story that has feet and can use them.  This is what a short is all about.  I don't think I need to comment anymore because I think someone with experience wrote this and they already know how they can fix this in a rewrite.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Thomas

That's a pretty jolly good story.
Lightly entertaining in PoTC style.
Very scenic with the mountain cliffs and cave+alcove and all.
D@mn shame most of it will be filmed in the dark.

No hard grievances really. (Might move along a smitch slow).
Excellent work.



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stebrown
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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First read of the challenge here and this is very good. A really fast, entertaining read.

The writing was top notch and made it easy to visualise what was going on.

The twist at the end came as a surprise to me and I thought that section of the script was really the stand out part. Loved the way you only hinted at the violence by using the shadows and I think that would look really good on film.

The one problem I had with the script was a logical one. Why would Brocc go about finding the treasure this way? He's described as a muscular man, while Gulley is only described as older so Brocc is not physically inferior to him. Brocc could have gotten himself a witch and done this without any of the undercover stuff. Just curious if I missed anything?

Overall, a great way to start my reading - hopefully they all follow in this script's footsteps.

Great work!

Ste


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stevie
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Interesting choice of mythical crature, and done nicely.

A real nautical, piratey feel to it - you can almost taste the barnacles(?)

Good formatting, neat writing, job pretty well done


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SteveUK
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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This is without doubt the best of the scripts that I've read so far.  Superb visual writing that gave me a clear picture of each scene in my head, and the characters were fleshed out impressively in such a short page count.  The wonderful dialogue  was very crisp and added an extra authenticity to the story.  Excellent!
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – The first page works well in setting the scene and establishing a mystery.

Pg 4 – “He says it was you” – The story is going well, I was a little disappointed that Shark Teeth doesn’t talk for himself. That would be a cool visual.

Pg 9 – The resolution of this plays well, with twists on top of twists.

Overall this has a strong atmosphere and the characters all play effective parts. It has a good swashbuckling pirate story feel about it and works well.

Being picky, I don’t know if I’d have placed this in Celtic/British mythology arena of the challenge. I'm probably wrong but I wonder if this was retrofit to meet the requirements.

Philip


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dn061903
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Nicely done.  The dialogue sounded very authentic.  Nothing to complain about with this one and it had a nice, little clever twist at the end.  
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keaton01
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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That's one fancy and huge title there. Maybe a traditional title font would have people taking it more seriously from the start. No worries here though, I'm not a producer.

Rouge

A nice little put together tale. With some creativity it could be filmed. Not fond of the witch theme as a Celtic tale in general. But overall a good Job.



Revision History (1 edits)
keaton01  -  February 26th, 2011, 12:07pm
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jwent6688
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Only the third I've read, but i'd peg Bert for this one right off. With the double dashes in the action. The alcove, the good authentic sounding dialogue.

I enjoyed this story. I liked the twist. I have no idea what myth this was, yet, I don't know 90 percent of them anyways. Really good work for a weeks time. Best I've read so far.

James


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JCShadow
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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I really dug this script. Like someone else mentioned, the dialogue was very good.

The only thing I could find fault in was the improperly formatted mini-slugs.

Best script I have read so far.


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

Currently Working On:
The Devil's Brigade
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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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The title spells out who wrote this...

Anyway, not blowing hot air up your pant leg, but I thought this one was great. I mean that!  I have nothing to offer as far as suggestions go. It's excellent as is.

Very visual with just the right amount of gore and creepiness. A great twist too and fantastic dialogue. I don't think this would be too hard for Rick to make.

Excellent!!


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. I don't have much more to say other than that, everyone upstairs pretty much echo my thoughts. As to who the scribe is, I think Phil.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Phil did not write this one, but lets not start guessing just yet. Usually we wait a week.  


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khamanna
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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The story is nice and very well written.

A lot of background story was conveyed through dialog though.

My only gripe is - I don't know who to root for from the very beginning, actually none of them is very relatable. The drama is not there, the horror is. I'd like it more if it had both. You had both but for me I couldn't feel for them - thus couldn't feel the drama.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Best one I've read so far, by a wide margin.
Strong narrative, distinct characters with clear goals.
Vibrant dialogue, economical and effective action description.

Gulley is introduced as "GULLLEY", unless the third "L" was intentional.

My only story complaint is a minor quip over no one to root for.
But the script is a good rollercoaster ride, it matters little.

This one's a keeper.

E.D.


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c m hall
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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I like this very much, was pleased with the ending -- I think it's got a good shot at being filmed by somebody and being a rousing good film.

SPOILERS
It seems a waste not to have a character that can (with magic) speak for those who can't speak for themselves but not speak for the mute fellow.  Of course, he's really not mute and he just keeps his mouth shut to hide his teeth, but always?  Nobody's ever seen him eat?  or yawn?
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grademan
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Them That's Dead               
               
CRITERIA               
Horror ***
Low budget     ***
Powerful  > A touch above
Original > esp the turning points
Celtic Myth > Shapechanger  (?),  gypsy witch
Visually interesting > Pirates and witches
Memorable characters > Brocc, Rhiannon, Gulley
Unique ending > oh, the shark bites
Standout moments > The opening of the chest, the sharing  of secrets from the grave
               
LIMITATIONS > SFX
               
*** average impact/no specific comments               
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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As Brett correctly points out, this is easily the best of the bunch so far, and it stands head and shoulders above the rest of the mostly dreck I've come across.

The dialogue is good, but not great.  It's tough to write authentic dialogue in only a week's (or less) time, so this definitely works and is appreciated very much.  Some extra time and reads could make the dialogue really sing out.

The story is also well put together and thought out.  It works, it's interesting, and it's engaging.

The characters are all well done.  Again, all interesting, engaging, with a unique voice all their own.  Even their motivations are clear and make sense.

Problems for me are the fact that this isn't horror, really.  Lots of Goonies and even Indiana Jones feel to it, and again, although there are elements of some horror, this is pretty tame PG 13 stuff in both what takes place as well as tone.  Even the dialogue has an almost humorous quality to it...like it's played for laughs almost.

It wouldn't surprise me greatly if this is actually something written earlier that was changed up a bit to fit this challenge...but, I don't think it really does fit the challenge.  I guess you can say the fact that one of the characters is a witch makes it fit, but I don't know.  The lack of horror and overall theme kind of missed the mark in terms of what Rick was looking for, IMO.

I like the twist at the end and think it was well planned and well executed, but it's also the kind of twist that when you think about it...for even a minute, it becomes clear that it really doesn't make sense, as another poster pointed out.

All in all, very well done.  Hope there are many more of this quality!  Congrats on this entry!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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This was a nice story, uncluttered. I believe it accomplished its task mostly; however, the ending didn't feel right to me.

I don't know what Brocc had against Rhiannon. For that matter, don't really know what Gulley had against her. My question is: How is it that she has all this power, but she's taking orders from this idiot?

It would be nice to see you do more with Brocc, because he felt like too much of a silent character.   Ha-ha! Just made a funny! Seriously though, if you could draw him up more, giving a few small clues, it might be more of an interesting beginning.

Sandra



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dogglebe
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was an enjoyable read.  I enjoyed the characters more than anything else.  They were colorful enough to keep me going.

I think the descriptions went on a bit at times.  Rhiannon in the grave could be tightened a bit.

All things given, I can see this one being produced.  It's very low budget and easily filmable.

Good luck with it.


Phil
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wonkavite
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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*Some Spoilers **

LOVE the title (and the subtitle.)  Also loved the pirate banter...though it could be called cliche, it works well in the context of this script, and is downright fun to read.  I also liked the twist with Brocc.  Nice touch.

For me, this worked until the very end.  Because if I considered anyone the protagonist in the story, it was Rhiannon.  I would liked to have seen her win in the end, and turn the tables on the pirates completely.

Overall, still a fun read.   Congrats on the script!

--WV
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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Keep the conversation about the script or stay out!!



[bert's edit:  Go, Mod Me, Go!  I deleted all that stuff, and second what "Mad Mod Me" is telling you guys.]


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wannabe
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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I was totally lost in this story right off the bat.  Awesome dialog and atmosphere.  Very cool tale...interesting characters and great writing.  

LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!
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BryMo
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was thought out, fleshed out, and nothing felt incomplete. This is, in my opinion, what a script under ten pages should be.

I normally dont like to say things as crass as this, but this is the best of the first batch. Congratulations!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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greg
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Unless it's a great coincidence, there's a secret message hidden in here that only I would understand and yes - I lol'd.  

I thought this was good, though a bit underwhelming for my preference.  Good use of the mythological elements and story revelation - I enjoyed those parts.  What lacked for me, I think, is that this felt like an ending to a much larger story that I would have liked to see/read/hear/whatever.  Of course, keeping them wanting more is good so perhaps that can be considered that's a wash.  Still - a lot of thought went into this for accuracy and authenticity, so for that it wins and it's still one of the better ones I've read so far.

Nice job.  

Greg


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Lovely visuals. You can practically feel the gloss already.

Interesting and colourful characters.

Obvious effort gone into the dialogue.

Shark Tooth was a good character.

The Necromancy felt well in keeping with the setting.

Wonderful style.

Cons

Feel bad for saying this, but the story is a little basic, with few nuances.

It lacks thematic content and modern relevance.


Great effort though. Doubt there will be many scripts as polished as this.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  February 26th, 2011, 8:31pm
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Leon
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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This was a smooth read, really enjoyed it.  Definitely fun and entertaining.  However, In my opinion I felt it lacks any real emotional grit or lasting impact, i agree with one of the posters that said it was hard to relate to the characters or to know whom to root for.


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Eoin
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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This one was as  razor sharp as O' Shea's teeth, flowed as easily as the Celtic Sea and was as polished as the loot in the chest. Top drawer. I disagree about not knowing who to root for, I think the cruelty and twisted nature of both Gulley and Rhiannon play nicely against the seemingly mute and mistreated Brocc. Great surprised and the end, I was sucked tight in. Well done on completing the OWC.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Wow! I know who wrote this one. Wow! Loved it. I don't have much to say other than that. This gets a vote from me.

Gabe
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shane
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Definitely the tightest and best written one I've read so far. I loved the dialogue and the characters.

The only thing is that it wasn't a horror to me at all. I agree with whoever mentioned the humorous quality of the dialogue. I definitely sensed that as well, but that might just be my natural draw towards comedy. It felt like a creepier version of Pirates with some Goonies thrown in there.

I thought the twist was great and I had no idea what it would be. However, I knew there had to be something because this was too well written for Brocc to only be there to provide the muscle. I guess that's not a bad problem to have though when the reader expects every character to play a major role, and isn't let down.

Overall, very impressive that you created this world and these characters in only a week. Great job.
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wannabe
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Just noticed this thread has 782 hits.  WTF?  LOL
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bert
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
I even consider subtracting argument sequences from genuine comments on a story.


You forgot the additional hits when a mod has to come in a delete and bunch of B.S.

This is the second time this thread has been derailed by unrelated chatter requiring subsequent deletions.

Please guys, stick to the script.


-------------------------------- EDIT:

As to your question, Wannabe, the count on this thread is so high because of a 3-Way Battle Royale yesterday between 3 board members.

And everybody needs to watch one of those, you know?

That stuff has been deleted now, but views can jump several hundred within an hour on such a thread.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  February 27th, 2011, 6:18pm
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mcornetto
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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I don't really like pirate movies but I thought this was well written and it was an appropriate pirate's tale told well.  The dialogue was pretty good too.

However, while I thought it was good, I really wasn't over the moon about it. It wasn't that much different from other movies I've seen in this genre, it didn't add anything new.  Plus it doesn't have much value - except as entertainment (which is ok but I thought I would note that).  Furthermore, while I think production might be inexpensive, making this story believable would be quite difficult and probably more expensive than one might think.      
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_ghostwriters
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Yeah...  out of all the ones I've read so far... this is definitely one of the better ones.  Your characters, dialogue, and the fact it unfolded very nicely won me over, but not so much the story overall, I felt it wasn't strong enough, but you only had a week, and I know if you had another... you could accomplish that.  JMHO.

but what do I know, congrats.  

Ghost


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Pard
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Well written dialogue and an interesting premise.  Not sure about the practicalities of filming it for the purposes of this particular competition, but still a solid short.
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shootingduck
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Well written, excellent visuals, your characters have distinct voices.  I enjoyed this piece.

I did question some of the characters' motives though.  Why does the witch care if the mute takes the treasure?  She had motive to curse the captain because he disrespected her and forced the other two to desecrate a corpse and was an all 'round dick.  But the mute, as far as she knew, was just a grunt who was forced against his will to go on this expedition.  So I don't quite get why she feels the need to punish him for wanting the treasure (prior to his reveal of course).  Also not sure as to why the mute needed to put on such a facade in the first place.  I guess one could assume he needed the captain's ship to reach the caves or perhaps he didn't know where to find the body?  Maybe he knew the cave would be boobytrapped and so the captain was used like a miner would use a canary?
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James McClung
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was excellent. Very simple, first off. Didn't try to be too gory nor too atmospheric. The twists were clever but didn't play off like the writer thought they were. Nothing felt shoved in your face or overemphasized for dramatic effect. The whole thing really just went with the flow and and didn't try to be too much of anything or mess with the audience yet had a really tasty, classic and entertaining feel to it. I enjoyed the chemistry between Ghully and Riannan as well as Ghully's dialogue. It was a little cartoony at times but still felt authentic.

Really didn't find anything wrong with this one but just to throw you a bone, I'll say perhaps Brocc could've been pushed around a little more or put seemingly in danger. The quiet one's are always suspect but even more so when they're not really involved in the proceedings. Maybe if he was a little more of a whipping boy, he'd have more of a place in the story before the twist.

Nice one, dude. Really fun.


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reuel51
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A Fast and enjoyable read. Very visual. Very authentic sounding dialog. Excellent job.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I've read this, given my critique and I want to commend the author on their work even if it's not necessary, obviously, because you, the author know, how difficult it really is to construct something that is as valid as this, so pretty, in a handful of hours during a difficult week of mundane tasks and stupid interferences...

My words now are coming from someone who hasn't been fully indoctrinated into film culture, someone who hasn't seen a lot and doesn't know all of the tricks. If I did, perhaps it would ruin it for me-- ruin the fun.

Unfortunately, Them That's Dead, felt to me like a movie that had already been done, and the tricks revealed. And this kind of comment really sucks. For us all. Because what do we have? If not our tricks. When we learn them of course.

You know when you meet that beautiful woman? Or ladies, that man, whose the perfect specimen-- eye candy, they say. But when you get to know them, they lack substance? It's all surface appeal? This is the way this one felt for me. Beautifully perfect on the outside, but lacking substance on the inside.

I really want to give you kudos for doing this in a week's time. It's amazing. How it sucks though, after we do so much work to get to this level... And someone goes and raises the bar on us.

Excellent work though! Let the critics suck bananas!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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My dearest Sandra...funny, cause sometimes we TOTALLY agree, and sometimes we TOTALLY disagree.

This well written, well put together, and well thought out.  There's attention to detail, there's obvious research, there's obvious effort and expertise.  As Litzkev (is that spelled right?) put it a few nights ago, this is a craftsman at work, here.

Now, as noted in my post on this one, I did have issues with certain plot points and the like, but that's always going to be the case (and I'm not just inclduing me here).

Point is, this along with 2 other entries, is expertly written, put together, and thought out.  It works and it's enjoyable, anyway you look at it.  All critical issues, plot questions, and story changes will only make this better...and it's already quite damn good.

BRAVO!!!!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Leitskev a name drawn from my bar, Leitrim's Pub. Have had the email a while, used as my SS name.

You guys are having a very interesting exchange, and I think this script is a great focal point for a related discussion.

What this writer did with the dialogue was unbelievable. In the brief time I have been learning screenwriting, I've partially read several hundred scripts, beginning with filmed ones that we all know. This writer created voices that had a clarity and a distinctiveness that I didn't see in any of these hundreds of scripts...and did it in a week!

I hope he/she remembers to come back and visit after they make it big.

That said, there was something missing from the story, something missing from a lot of stories, and it was something specifically called for in this challenge: a theme.

A twist is not a theme. If the twist is so brilliant and well crafted that it blows us away, it can substituted for a theme. In this case, the twist did not blow me away. In fact I saw it coming, which is ok if it's really unique. But a false bottom is not real unique. How much treasure could be in a false bottom? I did not anticipate the mute being the son of Sharky, but I did anticipate him not being a mute, and basically doing what he did.

What's really awesome about SS is that there is a real focus on writing. The writers are very demanding and don't accept anything less than quality writing. It's a great place to be to develop writing expertise.

Where I think sometimes the focus is lost is on the story development. Hey, a good story with sharp characters, twists, themes and plausibility is hard. This was easily one of my favorite stories in this OWC. But that's because it was a nice read. And I think this could make a brilliant piece of a larger story. But as it stands, there is no character development, certainly no character you root for or against; there is nothing thematic; the twist is somewhat cliche, predictable, flat.

This is a horror challenge. You should be scared or at least creeped out or shocked at some point. The mute eating the witch is the attempt at that. The problem is you don't really care about the witch. There is also nothing to identify with. The story the Captive starts out in the woods with a guy chasing a girl with an ax, I think. Everyone has driven in dark woods, so can identify with it, put themselves there. That makes it scary.

The White Women has a frightened little girl with a being only she can see. Her father is away, the women home alone. People can identify with that. It's the perfect place to start.

The story with the raft in the water, actually there were 2 like that; cliche, but people can identify with it, something dark and dangerous in the deep. Don't put your hand in the water!!

At what point in this story are you scared, or creeped? Do you care what happens to anyone in it?

If I can ever write a quarter as well as this writer I will be happy. I just want to see more of a story, even in a short. That said, this was still a top 5 script.

Oh, and BTW; this writer definitely has the skills for novel writing, hope they consider that endeavor as well.

Ok, can't wait til the writer chimes in! Gonna probably rip me one!

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leitskev  -  March 4th, 2011, 8:55pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Leitskev a name drawn from my bar, Leitrim's Pub. Have had the email a while, used as my SS name.

You guys are having a very interesting exchange, and I think this script is a great focal point for a related discussion.

What this writer did with the dialogue was unbelievable. In the brief time I have been learning screenwriting, I've partially read several hundred scripts, beginning with filmed ones that we all know. This writer created voices that had a clarity and a distinctiveness that I didn't see in any of these hundreds of scripts...and did it in a week!

I hope he/she remembers to come back and visit after they make it big.

That said, there was something missing from the story, something missing from a lot of stories, and it was something specifically called for in this challenge: a theme.

A twist is not a theme. If the twist is so brilliant and well crafted that it blows us away, it can substituted for a theme. In this case, the twist did not blow me away. In fact I saw it coming, which is ok if it's really unique. But a false bottom is not real unique. How much treasure could be in a false bottom? I did not anticipate the mute being the son of Sharky, but I did anticipate him not being a mute, and basically doing what he did.

What's really awesome about SS is that there is a real focus on writing. The writers are very demanding and don't accept anything less than quality writing. It's a great place to be to develop writing expertise.

Where I think sometimes the focus is lost is on the story development. Hey, a good story with sharp characters, twists, themes and plausibility is hard. This was easily one of my favorite stories in this OWC. But that's because it was a nice read. And I think this could make a brilliant piece of a larger story. But as it stands, there is no character development, certainly no character you root for or against; there is nothing thematic; the twist is somewhat cliche, predictable, flat.

This is a horror challenge. You should be scared or at least creeped out or shocked at some point. The mute eating the witch is the attempt at that. The problem is you don't really care about the witch. There is also nothing to identify with. The story the Captive starts out in the woods with a guy chasing a girl with an ax, I think. Everyone has driven in dark woods, so can identify with it, put themselves there. That makes it scary.

The White Women has a frightened little girl with a being only she can see. Her father is away, the women home alone. People can identify with that. It's the perfect place to start.

The story with the raft in the water, actually there were 2 like that; cliche, but people can identify with it, something dark and dangerous in the deep. Don't put your hand in the water!!

At what point in this story are you scared, or creeped? Do you care what happens to anyone in it?

If I can ever write a quarter as well as this writer I will be happy. I just want to see more of a story, even in a short. That said, this was still a top 5 script.

Oh, and BTW; this writer definitely has the skills for novel writing, hope they consider that endeavor as well.

Ok, can't wait til the writer chimes in! Gonna probably rip me one!


It's a little bit more than a little bit scary when you're in the company of such brilliance.

Leitskev, you're not only a fast reader, but you find all of the loose planks in the flooring.

If I could only have the deftness that you have.

I will sit at your feet and learn.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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All I can teach is how to make drinks and break up fights! Here, I am the student, and a VERY appreciative one. Bert, Dream, Phil, Pia, and yes you, Sandra, are the masters, I am the apprentice.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
All I can teach is how to make drinks and break up fights! Here, I am the student, and a VERY appreciative one. Bert, Dream, Phil, Pia, and yes you, Sandra, are the masters, I am the apprentice.


Definitely listen to the other names you mentioned. Bert recommended a script once called "Killing on Carnival Row". It's one that I emulate. The good ones make it seem so easy. Hope to do the same some day.

Sandra



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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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BTW, this story here, Them That's Dead, I can't wait to find out who the writer is so I can read more work, which I will definitely look up. Really curious to see how non-pirate voices are done by him/her. Probably has a tremendous range for character voices.
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wannabe
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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This was in my top 3.  I was so entertained by your story and writing.  Excellent work!
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RayW
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Doc!

EXCELLENT story!

You really created four of the most memorable characters in this challenge.
I hope to see them developed into a full feature, especially the mythos of "Shark Tooth".

Only a big budget will do these characters any justice, so make everything dripping in rich detail. Full tilt.

Congratulations.

Ray



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greg
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Bert, I think you like that "inferno" line more than I do.


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bert
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Bert, I think you like that "inferno" line more than I do.


It's true, and I have no idea why.

Popping in before bed I find that the names have been revealed.  A few surprises to be had.

The response to this was very gratifying, and I sincerely thank those that took the time to give me their thoughts.

Those who know me around here also know that I have not been very prolific these past few years, as the demands of a new job leave me precious few hours for what essentially amounts to a very time-consuming hobby. To put something new out there and find that I can still please most readers is a really nice bonus.

So, a few self-indulgent notes on the story for those who actually care to read such things.

Story:  Not sure why several suggested this might be some sort of retrofit, but it was not.  The original list from Rick contained "necromancy", and the story sprang from there, as I had always wanted to use that topic, believe it or not.  The only thing I had beforehand was the unused character of Shark Tooth, who I have carried in my pocket for several years now.  When I started composing this story, it was actually Shark Tooth searching for the treasure with Rhiannon, but that just wasn't working.  It was a few days later, when it occurred to me to put Shark Tooth in that grave, that the story actually started to take form.  I still find him the most compelling character in this story, without a single line of dialogue.

Dialogue:  I do not have a gift for dialogue like some around here do.  I struggle with it more than any other aspect, but I am proud in a silly way of what ended up on the page here.  It was the most fun I have ever had doing dialogue, and those who point out that it was almost played for laughs are not too far off the mark, truth be told.  My personal favorite passage is when Rhiannon confronts Gulley with his murder of Shark Tooth.  That was supposed to be a MAJOR turning point in the story, and I struggled for a good day and a half to decide how Gulley would respond.  Eventually, it was the character of Gulley himself that led me to the most logical conclusion:  "I don't really give a shite" is what he told me.  After that, his response came to mind almost immediately, and it wasn't a turning point at all.

Characters:  Some people seemed confused about the motivations for this trio, but it is really very simple at its heart.  All three characters are just waiting for their opportunity to screw over the other two.  It is that simple, and when viewed through that prism, I think everything makes sense.  The reason Brocc concealed his identity is that he was not ready to reveal himself until he had the fortune.  He was just a kid, who really had nothing, and he needed Gulley for the time being.  But once Brocc had his hands on the gold, he could get his own boat and do pirate things or whatever.  I gave Brocc some dialogue explaining that, but it played out entirely too chatty -- particularly for a character who had been mute for most of the story -- so I cut it out.

I think those who were confused might have been reading too much into this.  Some readers get that this story was never meant to deliver some sort of message.

Half-way through this script I knew I was not writing filet mignon here, and I just went with it.  This is more like a Pop Tart.  But ain't nothing wrong with Pop Tarts, really.  I like Pop Tarts.

I will come back to this later and cherry-pick my way through a few specific comments that need to be addressed, but I wanted to give a big thanks to Don, Rick, and even Pia, for pulling this all together in most splendid fashion.  This was more fun than I have had writing in quite a while.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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leitskev
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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I had been reading the scripts late at night and was getting tired. Reading shorts is in some ways easier than reading a feature, but when you read a whole bunch at once, you're getting a lot of characters in a short time, and a wide range of writing styles. With my eyes half closed, I brought the lap top to bed and decided I would do one more story, thinking there was no way I would get through it.

For some reason, the voices from these characters were really amusing and very clear in my head. Surprisingly I found myself not only finishing but wide awake and ready for more. Very hard for a writer to achieve that. This writer raised the bar for shorts here.
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rc1107
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert, long time no see.

I actually did see this OWC when the theme and genre was released, but got too busy with work and couldn't get a story done in time, so now I'm going through a couple of the stories to see how other people did with the ideas.  I planned on checking out yours anyway, (as you may recall I love your descriptions of scenes), then I saw yours took home the WCA statue.  (Writer's Choice Award.)  Just as good as an Oscar, isn't it?

Well, as always, your descriptions didn't disappoint and the story was very clear, visual, and atmospheric.

The characters, I believe, were pretty general, which I think is normal for a pirate story.  I think it'll be hard for anybody who writes a pirate story to get away from the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' characteristics, unless maybe if it's a modern pirate story, where the pirates are more guerilla warfare than swashbuckling.

The dialogue was very good and very well written and I can clearly see you enjoyed working with the dialogue in this one.  Maybe came up with one or two more insults than was necessary between Gullley (p.s. - that's how you spelled his name on the opening page) and Rhiannon, but that's not a big gripe at all.  Lol, and at first, and it was really hard to get out of my head, even after you said she was an old crone, I pictured Rihanna playing the part of Rhiannon.

I don't really understand some other comments that I've read about people not knowing who to root for.  I thought it was a no-brainer that Brocc was the only likable one out of the three.  But I also agree with something that I think Sandra had said, about maybe giving a clue early on about Brocc, or maybe some sort of foreshadowing about him.  Perhaps have him yawn while digging up the body and being very careful to hide his yawn.  Maybe something small like that to add another level to the story.

Well, I think this story stuck to the theme and genre pretty well.  Reanimating a dead body sounds pretty horrific to me.  Well, maybe reanimating isn't the write word there, but I think you know what I mean.  All in all, like pretty much everybody else, I really liked the story, which was very atmospheric as I think just about everything I've read from you is.

On a similar note, I did a little bit of research and saw you posted a new version of 'The Farm' since the last time I read it.  I'll be checking it out again, trying to get in the business of working on full length screenplays again, it just might be the thing to inspire me.

Anyhow, it's nice seeing something from you and I'll be talking to you later.

-  Mark


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bert
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark;

Great to see you back around -- ducking in and out -- or whatever it is you do.

I haven't even caught up with everybody else's comments -- but I wanted to drop a quick thanks in case you disappear again.

The WCA (a fine name, btw) is not quite an Oscar yet haha.  I guess we'll just have to give it time.

"Rhiannon" is a song that came on Pandora while I was considering character names, and it seemed like a sign, so I stuck with it.

I do like the idea of hinting at Brocc's true identity a bit more, but I probably am not going to mess with this one too much for right now, as I am trying to do some work on "The Farm", off and on.  And I am not so sure there is a new version there for you, either -- you might want to double-check that.

Thanks again, Mark.  Will be looking for something from you soon, right?


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bert
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Finally have a chance to get around to a few comment responses.

Thanks to all who read, of course, but responding to everyone and everything is sort of absurd, so I will just kind of cherry-pick my way through here and hopefully keep it fairly short.

A lot of the more general comments have already been responded to in the above screed anyway.

And thanks for those who caught the typos, too.  I always appreciate that, as there are always a few, no matter how hard you try.


Quoted from Balt
...I opened it up and seen the absurd Title Page


Quoted from Keaton
That's one fancy and huge title there


I have no idea why I felt compelled to do it that way.  I mean, I know it is wrong.  If this were not a OWC script, I probably would not have done that.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
I don't know if I'd have placed this in Celtic/British mythology arena of the challenge.


Quoted from Keaton
Not fond of the witch theme as a Celtic tale in general.


Quoted from Dreamscale
...but, I don't think it really does fit the challenge.


These were the hardest to refrain from responding to, as necromancy was specifically mentioned on Rick's list, and I even put it in the logline to avoid any confusion about where I was going.  That legend was really the only reason I participated at all, as the other myths would have taken too much time to research.

For me they would, anyway, as I tend to way over-analyze stuff like that.


Quoted from Stevie
...you can almost taste the barnacles


Quoted from Balt
I wanted to say this had Phil written all over it


Quoted from Darren
As to who the scribe is, I think Phil.


Quoted from Sandra
Let the critics suck bananas!


WTF to all haha...


Quoted from Eoin
This one was as  razor sharp as O' Shea's teeth, flowed as easily as the Celtic Sea, and was as polished as the loot in the chest.


Award for best comment.

Thanks again, guys.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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wonkavite
Posted: March 26th, 2011, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,

Forgive the outside posting on this...  

But it just so happens that I know of an incredibly good short animation (not done by anyone I know) that I think of, every time "Them That's Dead" comes up.

Think you'll be amused...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYDquzEPLsw

PS: LOVE the poster.  Beautiful job, whoever did it.  

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
leitskev  -  March 27th, 2011, 10:34pm
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ajr
Posted: April 6th, 2011, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I'm really late to the party on this one, but I wanted to read something by Bert, so here goes:

The writing is very impressive, and I know you've all noted that here. What impressed me most about it was how very visual it was, and how it put not only the pictures of the craggy cliffs and green smoke in my head, but the characters' images as well. Not since Screenrider's "American Soil" or Alffy's "The Chocolatier" has a short script left such vivid images in my mind, so great job, Bert.

I don't have a problem with how you write your narratives - sure, they're a tad flowery, but that's called finding your voice, not writing unfilmables. Again, great job. And the dialogue was brilliant - you nailed "pirate speak", my friend...

I skimmed the comments and it seemed that some took issue with the basicness of the story - I guess that's true? I also don't think it bothered me because I had such a great time reading it. I also think that a filmed version of this would be so striking that the audience would forget that it's essentially (SPOILERS - REALLY THOUGH, SPOILERS? IS THERE SOMEONE WHO HASN'T READ THIS YET?)...............
a buried treasure story with a bit of a twist ending...

If I was forced to make a suggestion? Maybe add a twist to the twist. Only Brocc was interested in the treasure, so Rhiannon was essentially impassive - i.e., she didn't have a horse in the race. Mabye make Gulley "level 1" in this case - he's concerned about treasure, and so is Brocc, on the surface. But what if there is a book of secrets, or spells, that Brocc is really after? So he can have the same powers as Rhiannon? And that's something Rhiannon hoped would stay buried? Just a thought.

Great job Bert and it was a treat to read something of yours -

Anthony


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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bert
Posted: April 9th, 2011, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the look and thoughts, Russo.  It was nice to read them.


Quoted from ajr
I skimmed the comments and it seemed that some took issue with the basicness of the story - I guess that's true?


I cannot really deny that.  It is a fair crit, and you will find no great insights into the human condition buried here.

Looking back a few weeks out from the challenge though, I guess it was "a little" frustrating, as I cannot recall any past OWC script getting dinged for not having some deeper meaning.

It is fine of course that Rick was looking for a little more than a fluff piece, but it still seems an odd criterion to impose on a OWC.


Quoted from ajr
Only Brocc was interested in the treasure, so Rhiannon was essentially impassive - i.e., she didn't have a horse in the race.


You didn't get that she was after it, too?  That all three were ready to screw over the other two?  Maybe I need to examine that and see where I missed the opportunity to clarify, as I kind of get the impression now that a few people missed it.

Thanks for the bump, though.  All things considered, I am still pretty pleased with this one.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Mr.Z
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Hate to admit it, but this is very solid work.  

Some cool visuals and black magic tricks, skilful set ups/pay offs, and fun twists and turns.

My only macro comment would be: I wasn't rooting for anyone to get the treasure and I was involved on a more intelectual level than on an emotional level. But, to be fair, I did enjoy watching these bastards betray each other. So, it still worked. A cool cautionary tale about disturbing the dead.

The dialogue seemed a bit over-the-top at first, but then I understood that this was an intentional stylistic choice and got used to it. Not my favorite type of speech, but it remained consistent and fit the story well.

I hate you.  


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bert
Posted: April 12th, 2011, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Ahaha...my arch nemesis come by for another lashing, I see.


Quoted from Mr.Z
I was involved on a more intellectual level than on an emotional level.


That is an interesting comment, and you know, when I think about it -- and I hope this doesn't sound to nerd-like -- but this was written more with my head than my heart.

I was just having fun here -- and not really trying to "say" anything -- and oddly (or not) the piece does seem a bit lesser for it.

Anyways, that is one of the lessons I am taking away from this one.


Quoted from Z
The dialogue seemed a bit over-the-top at first, but then I understood that this was an intentional stylistic choice...


Yeah it was.  I had fun taking it as far as I could, and hoped for an acceptable mash of cliche and at least a little that was fresh.  I did want the dialogue to be recognizable for what it was.

Thanks for popping in, Z -- and should MP ever post that pirate challenge, perhaps I've finally got your number.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Breanne Mattson
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Hey Bert,

Saw this in your sig.

Of course, this is very well written. It’s always a pleasure to read a script that’s dynamic and sleek and free of the spelling and grammar errors so many scripts are riddled with. In other words, it’s nice to read something written by a writer who actually cares about the craft of writing. Funny, those writers also tend to write the best material.

Great little story. Nothing much I can say. I’ve decided you must have had some significant childhood experience involving an alcove ha ha.

Good work all around.


Breanne



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Breanne Mattson  -  May 9th, 2011, 7:00pm
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Wow! I loved this! This is what I love when I go to see movies, something that grabs you from the start and keeps going until the end. Bravo.  
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bert
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Quoted from The Brea
Of course, this is very well written...its nice to read something written by a writer who actually cares about the craft of writing.


"Of course", she says.  Ha.  And you and I are of a very similar mindset in regards to the "craft" and the associated trends that you mention.


Quoted from Brea
...you must have had some significant childhood experience involving an alcove...


You would think, wouldn't you?  An alcove and a teddy bear.  I need to start cooking up some new anxieties, I suppose.


Quoted from lynndidiano
Wow! I loved this! This is what I love when I go to see movies, something that grabs you from the start and keeps going until the end. Bravo.  


Welcome to the boards, Lynn -- I assume it's Lynn, anyway -- and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts as well!  Very nice to find first thing in the morning, and it made me happy.


Thanks guys!


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure how I missed this one, but I'm glad I got the chance to read it.

So many good scripts and stories come out of the OWC.

It was a refreshing change to read something like this. The dialogue was pretty neat. The story was pretty neat. And the twist at the end was pretty neat.

I thought something would happen with the teeth. I'm glad it went differently than what I had thought.

Nice job,

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
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TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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jwent6688
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I'm not sure how I missed this one, but I'm glad I got the chance to read it.

So many good scripts and stories come out of the OWC.

It was a refreshing change to read something like this. The dialogue was pretty neat. The story was pretty neat. And the twist at the end was pretty neat.

I thought something would happen with the teeth. I'm glad it went differently than what I had thought.

Nice job,

Cindy



Good job building up Bert's ego again. He laid an ass-whooping on everybody that OWC. So he'll simmer in his revery until this October. Then I'm bringing a WWF smack-down!

James



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bert
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thank you, Cindy.  A nice surprise to find this today.


Quoted from CindyLKeller
So many good scripts and stories come out of the OWC.


I agree, and thought this February batch was unusually strong.  I think the extra incentive helped people take it more seriously.

Wish I would have had time for the most recent iteration of the OWC, but it caught me at a pretty bad time, unfortunately.


Quoted from jwent6688
Good job building up Bert's ego again.


You leave Cindy alone, ya' big bully.

And anyway, that damage is already done -- you might as well accuse her of releasing a sneeze into the Hindenburg.


Quoted from Mr. Empty Threat
Then I'm bringing a WWF smack-down!


I am hoping that October affords me the time to deliver another Dusty Rhodes to all comers -- so better bring your A game.



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 25th, 2011, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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LOL!

I love this place!

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Making films is hard and a lot of the times films in production never get finished. Many people here at SS that have been approached by filmmakers wanting to film their scripts have experienced the films never being produced. It's how it goes. Why am I going on with this? Well...Bert has given me permission to film Them That's Dead! I loved it the first time I read it. It's been playing in the back of my head for a long time. I think I have come up with a way to turn this into a film. It will be shot in the oldest city of the US, St. Augustine. Very cool place with forts and old buildings and even a pirate ship! The beaches are gorgeous and I think we can pull this off to look like it takes place somewhere in the Caribbean. Obviously changes will have to be made in the script to fit the locations, but bert's cool with that.

Everyone I've approached so far, gets REALLY excited as soon as I say pirate film. Their faces light up and they beg to be part. This time though, it will not be a student film. I'm planning on having professional crew and cast. I will keep a progress report here in this thread and hope you all can get something out of that and I hope bert won't mind.

I'm hoping for sometimes this spring.

Let's make this one happen bert!!!!


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leitskev
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Aaaargh you serious? Sweet!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Absolutely!


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bert
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Aaaargh you serious? Sweet!


Yeah, she surprised me, too.

But I have learned not to doubt her -- and I have agreed to subject myself to whatever she might demand.


Well, OK...actually it is just a promise for rewrites....but a guy can dream, right?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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leitskev
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Quoted from bert

and I have agreed to subject myself to whatever she might demand.


Write the script for that! You can both have your way!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Bert and Pia.

Hope the film goes well.

Gabe
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Grandma Bear
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I'm stoked about this one. Instead of begging people to help out. People are begging me to be part.

Had a lot of fun today searching for costumes and life sized prop corpses.... LOL!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2011, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Stupendous news!

Super psyched to see this one go before the lens!

People SHOULD be excited to work with you, Pia!

Keep us posted, perhaps even pre-production thread even.
Love to see pics of location scouts, etc.

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2011, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know if I want to clutter the boards with a thread like that...might jinx it. There! It's out! I'm superstitious.

I'm stoked about this. Going there on Sunday. They also have a LOT of pirate reenactors there. Poor bert, he might have agreed to more than he wanted.  


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sniper
Posted: January 16th, 2012, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Sorry for digging up this fossil but since Bert wrote it and The Swede is about to produce it I thought what the hell.

Bert,

Since everybody seems to be sucking you sideways on this one I might as well join in. Did that come out wrong or what? Seriously, good job, Bert. This was a breeze to read. Believable characters (you know, for the setting). Simple story and easy on the eyes (with all that whiteness on the page). However, I'd expect nothing less from you so you only manged to live up to my expectations - and not exceed them.

The only real problems I had with this script was that 1) there's no real protagonist, and therefor no clear antagonist and 2) there's a setback missing, and by that I mean that once the story really gets interesting (when Brocc reveals his true identity) the story is more or less over. Too bad cos' that was where the real fun should've begun.

Just a couple of nitpicks and not enough to really subtract from the overall script.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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bert
Posted: January 16th, 2012, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
The Swede is about to produce it...


Yeah, pretty sweet, huh?  Even with the nepotistic demands of a rewrite that includes a small speaking part for Swede, Jr.

I kid.  All in good fun.  (Check her out in Pumpkin Nightmare you'll see why I didn't really complain too much.)


Quoted from sniper
There's no real protagonist...


Yeah, that is a fair crit.  At the outset, I was kind of hoping Shark Tooth would fill that role while remaining entirely absent from the proceedings.  Kind of an experiment, but then I kind of abandoned that as the story took shape and it became primarily episodic.  That, and we only had a week.

As for the setback -- or continuing the story -- I do not know how much you followed this particular OWC, but we were submitting them to Rick for consideration, and budget was a key concern.

I was just trying to wrap things up fast and cheap, and it is pretty much as simple as that.

Thanks for checking in, though, Snipe, and glad it mostly worked for you.  Nice to see you still knocking around from time to time.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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sniper
Posted: January 16th, 2012, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
As for the setback -- or continuing the story -- I do not know how much you followed this particular OWC, but we were submitting them to Rick for consideration, and budget was a key concern.

Yeah, I had hunch this was the case and it's not a problem at all, I'm just saying that with a little more conflict toward the end would have made it awesome'er. Of course, that doesn't mean it isn't solid as is - because it is. Solid, I mean. You know?



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from bert


Yeah, pretty sweet, huh?  Even with the nepotistic demands of a rewrite that includes a small speaking part for Swede, Jr.

...well  

I'm still waiting for the script, because even if it has been delayed while Blackout and Finders Keepers get made, I still want to start storyboarding this. Not trying to be pushy or anything.  

And Sniper,  any suggestions for a more awesomer ending? I'm all ears as I want this to be as good as possible.




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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 17th, 2012, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Just realized I hadn’t commented since the announcement that it was going to be produced.

Good job, Bert! And Pia, wish you the best with this.


Breanne


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sniper
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I'm still waiting […] Not trying to be pushy or anything.

Everybody knows that when a woman says that it basically means get-the-lead-out-or-I-will-glue-your-penis-to-the-water-heater-and-disable-the-safety-valve

Pia, I think first you need to pick a protagonist, give us someone to root for. At first at would appear that Rhiannon might be the protagonist but only because Gulley is being such a bad ass. Then she turns all wichy and evil and shit (which is not cool for protagonist). Enter Brocc – the real Brocc – the former whipping boy turned shark-tooth-motherfucker. I’m thinking that maybe – after Gulley gets poisoned - it’s Rhiannon who removes the false bottom and then she lays some kind of beating/spell/or whatever on Brocc that nearly kills him and THEN he reveals who he really is and settles the score. But for that to work Brocc needs to play a bigger part from the get go.

Or something like that.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Don
Posted: January 20th, 2014, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Folks:

Them That's Dead has been filmed:

THEM THAT'S DEAD from Indie Me on Vimeo.



I recommend that you watch it Full Screen


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dustin
Posted: January 20th, 2014, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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I'll check this out when I get time... but a hearty congratulations to all involved, for now.


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wonkavite
Posted: January 21st, 2014, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Pia and Bert!! You said you had issues initially with the sound?  Honestly, if so - it cleaned up quite well... Didn't notice any problems!  Have to say I liked Rhiannon best....
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Breanne Mattson
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Congrats to Pia, Bert, George, the cast and crew, Kevan, everyone involved. Great job!


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irish eyes
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Great job guys

Really enjoyed it

Mark


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James McClung
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Not sure which thread to comment on. Seems peeps are hitting both.

Congrats, Pia! Congrats, Bert! I see George and Kevan (old member) on there as well. Congrats (if you're reading)! Great job everyone!

Cool to see this finally come to fruition after all these years. A bonafide SimplyScripts collaboration if ever there was one. Glad you decided to see this one through, Pia. I know there were some snags along the way.


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Reef Dreamer
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We'll done. An ambitious adventure. Nice effects by the way.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
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Just read the script, not watched the short movie yet (at work so I'll watch it later) but I really enjoyed the script. Well written, clear, concise and I loved the dialogue. Congratulation on getting this produced.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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jwent6688
Posted: January 22nd, 2014, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Great work. Pia. Robert "Glenn" Newcomer, and Sir George Wilson!

I thought the actress who play Rhiannon did the best job here. It must be difficult to keep your actors from getting overly involved with their characters with a script like this. There was a tad of acting and not reacting.

Then again, what the hell do I know. I thought the look of the film came out great. Whatever denoising program you used worked well. I'm sure it's especially tough to shoot at low light like that.

Loved it, thanks for posting...

James


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Grandma Bear
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Thanks everyone! I put more info on the film and the making of it in the other thread.  http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-collaborate/m-1321028023/s-0/

Jay, the actors are all stage actors. My town isn't a hotbed for actors or filmmakers. It's hard to find people. Sure, I can hire people from Jax, Orlando and such, but that complicates things when you need to do table reads and just meet and go over stuff. I think these actors did a great job and fit the roles.  


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