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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Them That's Dead - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed! Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    Them That's Dead - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed!  (currently 11201 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Them That's Dead by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short - The dark art of necromancy proves perilous for a cutthroat trio of thieves seeking lost treasure.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

THEM THAT'S DEAD from Indie Me on Vimeo.







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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 20th, 2014, 3:03pm
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leitskev
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Started reading submissions to the challenge when it's late and I've been drinking. But the dialogue for this script is so well done I could have read for a couple of hours. Their voices were crystal clear in my head. Amazing. Very talented writer.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  Authentic, colorful dialogue.  Really set the scene with the craggy, oceanside cliffs.  The summoning of the corpse with the funnel was clever and would look good on film.  Came to a satisfying conclusion as Brocc reveals his identity, and dental work.

Pretty clean format.  I'm guessing you meant "rogue" instead of "rouge" on page one.

Overall, very well done.  This is my first read, and this one just set the bar pretty high.
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Baltis.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 2:14am Report to Moderator
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I wanted to say this had Phil written all over it -- That was until I opened it up and seen the absurd Title Page.  Maybe that's just a throw off, though.  But things like

"A shovel punches into the moist (WHICH IS HOT!  Sounds really good but then-->) and fleshy earth"

It sounds rushed with the and in there.

I think

"A shovel punches into the moist, fleshy earth"

sounds a bit better way to open this one up.  That's just me.  Overall I really enjoyed it, though.  Awesome characters built within no time.  Punchy story that has feet and can use them.  This is what a short is all about.  I don't think I need to comment anymore because I think someone with experience wrote this and they already know how they can fix this in a rewrite.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Thomas

That's a pretty jolly good story.
Lightly entertaining in PoTC style.
Very scenic with the mountain cliffs and cave+alcove and all.
D@mn shame most of it will be filmed in the dark.

No hard grievances really. (Might move along a smitch slow).
Excellent work.



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stebrown
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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First read of the challenge here and this is very good. A really fast, entertaining read.

The writing was top notch and made it easy to visualise what was going on.

The twist at the end came as a surprise to me and I thought that section of the script was really the stand out part. Loved the way you only hinted at the violence by using the shadows and I think that would look really good on film.

The one problem I had with the script was a logical one. Why would Brocc go about finding the treasure this way? He's described as a muscular man, while Gulley is only described as older so Brocc is not physically inferior to him. Brocc could have gotten himself a witch and done this without any of the undercover stuff. Just curious if I missed anything?

Overall, a great way to start my reading - hopefully they all follow in this script's footsteps.

Great work!

Ste


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stevie
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Interesting choice of mythical crature, and done nicely.

A real nautical, piratey feel to it - you can almost taste the barnacles(?)

Good formatting, neat writing, job pretty well done


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SteveUK
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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This is without doubt the best of the scripts that I've read so far.  Superb visual writing that gave me a clear picture of each scene in my head, and the characters were fleshed out impressively in such a short page count.  The wonderful dialogue  was very crisp and added an extra authenticity to the story.  Excellent!
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – The first page works well in setting the scene and establishing a mystery.

Pg 4 – “He says it was you” – The story is going well, I was a little disappointed that Shark Teeth doesn’t talk for himself. That would be a cool visual.

Pg 9 – The resolution of this plays well, with twists on top of twists.

Overall this has a strong atmosphere and the characters all play effective parts. It has a good swashbuckling pirate story feel about it and works well.

Being picky, I don’t know if I’d have placed this in Celtic/British mythology arena of the challenge. I'm probably wrong but I wonder if this was retrofit to meet the requirements.

Philip


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dn061903
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Nicely done.  The dialogue sounded very authentic.  Nothing to complain about with this one and it had a nice, little clever twist at the end.  
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keaton01
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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That's one fancy and huge title there. Maybe a traditional title font would have people taking it more seriously from the start. No worries here though, I'm not a producer.

Rouge

A nice little put together tale. With some creativity it could be filmed. Not fond of the witch theme as a Celtic tale in general. But overall a good Job.



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jwent6688
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Only the third I've read, but i'd peg Bert for this one right off. With the double dashes in the action. The alcove, the good authentic sounding dialogue.

I enjoyed this story. I liked the twist. I have no idea what myth this was, yet, I don't know 90 percent of them anyways. Really good work for a weeks time. Best I've read so far.

James


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JCShadow
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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I really dug this script. Like someone else mentioned, the dialogue was very good.

The only thing I could find fault in was the improperly formatted mini-slugs.

Best script I have read so far.


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

Currently Working On:
The Devil's Brigade
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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The title spells out who wrote this...

Anyway, not blowing hot air up your pant leg, but I thought this one was great. I mean that!  I have nothing to offer as far as suggestions go. It's excellent as is.

Very visual with just the right amount of gore and creepiness. A great twist too and fantastic dialogue. I don't think this would be too hard for Rick to make.

Excellent!!


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. I don't have much more to say other than that, everyone upstairs pretty much echo my thoughts. As to who the scribe is, I think Phil.


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