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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  A Word About The February One Week Challenge Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    A Word About The February One Week Challenge  (currently 19263 views)
Angry Bear
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


Absolutely.

Otherwise it becomes nothing more than a popularity contest.


Nervous?  


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keaton01
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


Bragging rights mean nothing to you?

Fine, then -- vote for me  

I am confident enough to openly admit to my own sense of vanity.


A produced film is my only goal. You can win the contest if you want.

Which was yours?

Wait, who wants my votes? I accept bribes.  



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I'm going to put SPOILERS here even though I normally haven't and maybe I should have.

Ok, I want to write about my favorite and a little bit why:

BEAN SIDHE

This has some fine actor bait:

NADINE, late 40s, thin, vacant eyes, sets the table.

Right from the get-go we meet Nadine going about her routine, a day in the life, but we know something is wrong.

Cue off-beat music as a mood invoker.

And when she drops that casseroleÖ

Itís rough going for her, butÖ

CHRIS
Just browsing. Want to see whatís on.
Iíll stop - the football is about to start.

CHRIS
Awfully hot today, isnít it?

His dialogue rings with the strange indifference of a man who doesnít want to get in the path of an upset woman. We donít know who to feel more sympathetic towards. Chris? Or Nadine?

But then:

CHRIS
Guess itís bread and butter day
again, huh?

CHRIS
A couple of eggs with a toast
maybe? Come on Nadine, how long do I have, huh? Couple months?

And weíre thinking he sounds just a tad insensitive. But what? How long do I have? He says.

*Intrigue.

The tone of the piece becomes creepily insane with Nadineís giggling. We donít really know if sheís possessed by this wailing Sidhe. Perhaps.

As the story progresses, I think Nadine is possessed by the wailing Bean. Chris is painted as some kind of evil person locking up his daughter for a kidney, but I think he was possessed, too.

In the end, Christina is taken away by Bean. But let's reverse:

Pay attention, people: as Nadine grabs the rifle: (The bolds are mine).

CHRIS
What are you talking about... What
are you doing?

NADINE
You want her kidney, donít you?

Christina scrambles up. Thereís nothing wrong with her. She stands behind Nadine Nothing wrong with her? Ka-nicked by a tractor was she?
          
CHRISTINA
He almost ran me over with his
tractor. Then decided to save me. ...for the kidney.

***Did he now? Are you lying Christina?

CHRIS
Christina was my daughter, too

Nadine.
I loved her as much as you did.

Nadine emits an evil laugh. Her eyes glow crazed.

NADINE (artistically)
Perhaps you loved her a bit more. Bit more than daddy can love?

CHRIS
Put the rifle down, Nadine. What
are you talking about?

She turns to Christina. Christina averts her eyes. Nods.

**And why does Christina avert her mother's eyes? Guilt?

CHRISTINA
Thatís why he had to get rid of me.
Itís alright. Iím over it, Mommy.

***Why? Because Christina is the manifestation not only of his daughter, but of his guilty conscience for the "deeds they did together". And sheís over it. Why? Because she knows sheís guilty, too. Bebs maybe loved Daddy a bit more than she shouldíve?

Nadine turns back toward Chris. Her chin hardens, lips tighten. The hand gripping the rifle doesnít shake anymore.

***Excellent description. Tight. Not overwritten. Just enough for the actor to get it.

NADINE
Well, Iím not over it. Not yet.

She shoots Chris in the heart. Chris falls down with a jolt. Blood trickles out of the fresh wound.

Nadine shoots again. And again, one futile shot after another. Until Bean and Christina crumble into nothingness.

Then, a clever flashback without FLASHBACK even written! Using an Over Credits
as an indication of the switch:

SIRENS WAIL.
Low drone HUM, someone talks into a mic:

MALE VOICE 1(V.O.)
You asked around about her?

MALE VOICE 2 (V.O.)
She flipped after what happened to
her daughter. She didnít think it was an accident. ...kept talking about some Bean Shmidt whatever, wailing for a soul...

Flickering of stilled cameras. White noise.

MALE VOICE 1 (V.O.)
What do people say - was it an
accident?

MALE VOICE 2 (V.O.)
Oh yeah. He mourned her no less than
Nadine. ...his cancer got worse. Poor lad.

***With this ending, we're left to think that perhaps Christina was killed by that tractor after all. That yes, Chris had to get rid of her because of their relationship that he couldn't reconcile in his own mind. And... that yes... Perhaps Bean Sidhe was behind it all... Possessing them...

I seriously am glad to be able to come and re-read this again. To study it. Discover the things that I felt in the beginning, but needed to go back and find the hard evidence for-- because after all, "I got this feeling about it", doesn't really cut it with a lot of people.

Anyways, I'm so glad I did feel it. My vote for your script has intensified and tomorrow, I'll write up some more on the other two scripts I thought were really well done.

Thank you for your work.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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leitskev
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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My last comments for a while(you guys hope!)

Them That's Dead

While the story did not blow me away, though good, I would like to think that the person capable of that high a quality of writing will be finding regular work soon in this field. Truly talented writer, whoever it is. Could be writing novels or Screen, I think.

Captive

Same as above. Different style, a little more straightforward. In fact, these two writers working together might create something interesting, really come up with a variety of voices.

White Women

Writing style a little more edgy and daring, a risk taker. If the other two writers are smooth and efficient, craftsmen, this ones swings a blade instead of a pen, warrior.

Godstick

If the others were craftsmen and a warrior, this one is an artist painting with a vivid brush. Ireland was the perfect setting for his colorful strokes.

The Flesh Wont be Missed

Was born to write horror, bloody, gruesome horror, the kind that is not about a battle between good and evil, but just about evil. Like the dark horror from the 70s, when you just knew it was gonna end badly, and you wanted to look away but couldn't.

Reliquary

Probably a new up and comer. Someone grappling with deep concepts, murky depths.

Bean Sidhe

Lively characters and detailed scenes are this writer's talent, but above all inventive plot.

Devil's Erudition

A sick bastard! Should be plenty of good stuff to come.

Ok, thanks for letting me play. Gonna be more quiet til the next OWC, I promise! But PM if anyone needs anything.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from leitskev
My last comments for a while(you guys hope!)

Them That's Dead

While the story did not blow me away, though good, I would like to think that the person capable of that high a quality of writing will be finding regular work soon in this field. Truly talented writer, whoever it is. Could be writing novels or Screen, I think.

Captive

Same as above. Different style, a little more straightforward. In fact, these two writers working together might create something interesting, really come up with a variety of voices.

White Women

Writing style a little more edgy and daring, a risk taker. If the other two writers are smooth and efficient, craftsmen, this ones swings a blade instead of a pen, warrior.

Godstick

If the others were craftsmen and a warrior, this one is an artist painting with a vivid brush. Ireland was the perfect setting for his colorful strokes.

The Flesh Wont be Missed

Was born to write horror, bloody, gruesome horror, the kind that is not about a battle between good and evil, but just about evil. Like the dark horror from the 70s, when you just knew it was gonna end badly, and you wanted to look away but couldn't.

Reliquary

Probably a new up and comer. Someone grappling with deep concepts, murky depths.

Bean Sidhe

Lively characters and detailed scenes are this writer's talent, but above all inventive plot.

Devil's Erudition

A sick bastard! Should be plenty of good stuff to come.

Ok, thanks for letting me play. Gonna be more quiet til the next OWC, I promise! But PM if anyone needs anything.


Good summation, leitskev. You are thinking!!!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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keaton01
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don


This just allows a writer to put on his/her resume or script, "Writer's Choice selectee SimplyScripts February, 2011 One Week Challenge.





That and a nickel will get you a nickel. But if it makes you feel good.

So which one should I vote for. I'm torn.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from keaton01


That and a nickel will get you a nickel. But if it makes you feel good.

So which one should I vote for. I'm torn.


What are your three tops? I'll give you input.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Baltis.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from keaton01


That and a nickel will get you a nickel. But if it makes you feel good.

So which one should I vote for. I'm torn.


Whatever you do, vote for the one in the middle.  Always pick the one in the middle.
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keaton01
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.


Whatever you do, vote for the one in the middle.  Always pick the one in the middle.


That's how I got through college.


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RayW
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Next challenge, no matter the criteria, I'm titling my story "B. JESUS IS THE ANSWER"







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Eoin
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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Quoted from RayW
Next challenge, no matter the criteria, I'm titling my story "B. JESUS IS THE ANSWER"






You got that all wrong 'Be Jaysus is the answer' exasperated sigh, Ray, I'm like a mother and a father to you . . . LOL
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RayW
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Eoin
You got that all wrong 'Be Jaysus is the answer' exasperated sigh, Ray, I'm like a mother and a father to you . . . LOL


Funny.
We can confuse the others with both titles now!

I'm hoping for "Epic Short".



On a related note, I'd love to write a story about the people on the island after Jesus sends Legion into their pigs that run off and drown in the sea, then Jesus hops in the boat and leaves.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%205:1-17&version=NIV
I imagine the economic impact afterwards was rather significant and there were some likely harsh words said.

"Thanks, JC. 'Preciate that."

Lotsa good side stories in the Bible.



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khamanna
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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So, no guessing this time?

I think that
Frame Of The Open Door is by c m hall
...And I Take You  is by Ray

close at all?
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RayW
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
...And I Take You  is by Ray

close at all?


Nope.

Mechanics - I'm a cheap bastard and use Celtx. That isn't Celtx.
Format - FADE IN: goes left justified.
Style - I use commas to delineate ages rather than parenthesis which break up the flow for my reads.
Story wise - I don't think a bean sidhe would converse quite so much. Although, Mickey's ravings do sound a bit much like what I'd write.

  


But I do love "Frame Of The Open Door".
It's my favorite entry even if it's not much horror.
I keep thinking it's like... Mary Poppins and Nanny McFee rolled together in a Mary Cassatt painting .




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khamanna
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Ok, sorry then. I look mainly at wording. Should have checked if you commented on that one at all and see what you said.
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