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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Captive - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    Captive - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed  (currently 6665 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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How is it foreshadowed?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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mcornetto
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
How is it foreshadowed?


In the flashbacks.  And with the deer.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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That pertains to Lark, not the Welder.  


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leitskev
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Without the flashbacks, Walden doesn't have the rage motive to attack the Lark/creature. Afterall, all he saw was her kill the Welder.
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jwent6688
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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I worked as a welder for a year. You're completely blind in the sheild save for the intense arc of a weld. I think you should pick a better mask for the pursuit. Also why Walden couldn't have stared into his eyes before he took off the mask.

I've always had a problem with people waking up, tied to a chair in a dungeon or bloody atmosphre, and the first words out of their mouthes are "Help!"

This had some good moments, but just seemed like history repeating itself type script. I'll assume this goes on and on. Lark being the monster here was a decent twist though. The writing was pretty good too.

Good job completing a script in a week.

James


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GirlO
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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It’s cool to see all the discussion about a short. It’s got to be either something good or totally flop when you get people talking/asking some questions – right?

Flashbacks were good motivation for Walden to, not only wear the welder’s mask and pursue Lark, but to actually follow a mysterious van/bloddy-kidnapped chick  down ‘some road’ at night, instead of just phoning it in. I was thinking ‘why would he do that.' Trying to play superman here? Hmm...So I like that we don’t find out his motivations, in the flashback, till a little later on. You got one up on me

I admit these loop to loop scripts do piss me off. No matter how much I ‘get it’ and have it explained, something about the whole ‘egg /chicken’ thing just doesn’t sit right with me, always this nagging voice in the back of my mind, sorta like my ex...Anyway, I appreciate the concept. Kinda

Some good visuals. Well thought out. Few kinks others have pointed out.
One of my main issues – I, like a couple others, do wonder about your creature’s sporadic fits of strength – just saying, is all?

Good work!

This is the most interesting/fave one I’ve read so far. Admittedly I have only read five…

Naomi
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Ryan1
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Without the flashbacks, Walden doesn't have the rage motive to attack the Lark/creature. Afterall, all he saw was her kill the Welder.


No, he has plenty of rage motive, seeing as how Lark attacks him and acid gets splashed on his face.  I just didn't understand how the flashbacks, particularly that last one where he finds his wife's corpse, figure into the present timeline.  There was never any recognition from Walden that "This is the creature that killed Jessica."
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leitskev
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe he has enough motive, maybe. The last flash is to show his wife was killed by the creature.

Like I said, there are a lot of things you have to accept to buy into the story, and in the end, it might be too much. His wife is killed by a creature he ends up saving then grappling with; he doesn't even know the name of the road he's on; for some reason acid is required to destroy this creature, and just happens to keep splashing on people's faces; Welder really has weak motive for what he does to Walden.

I just saw an explanation posted of what the creature is. Not sure if it helped me. Was Lark ever just a girl...one who ended up possessed by the creature? If so, then why does she take on hideous form near the end? For that matter, even if a shapeshifter, why take on the new form? Does it revert to form when eating?

Def a lot of questions. And yes GirlO, been fun trying to figure it out!
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greg
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Ambitious, yes, but the ending didn't do much for me.  I felt that there was one too many "big moments" going on in addition to the flashbacks which, even after going back and rereading, I still don't get how they fix into everything.  Nor do I really "get" Lark being this creature thing.  

It started off pretty good - a story we've seen before with some mysterious creep torturing his hostages, but it was written very effectively and eerily.  But as I said, I just couldn't tie things together at the end.  Not really sure what you were going for but am interested to know.

Regardless this is well written and had good imagery.  Nice job anyway.

Greg


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bert
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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I get it, and props to the author for generating so much discussion.

There are a few logic gaps in "the loop" -- primarily where The Welder is unjustifiably attacking Walden -- but I think a good rewrite -- with more time than one week -- and a sharp focus on the internal logic of this piece could really whip it into shape.

Look forward to finding out who this is -- and I sure hope it is somebody around and contributing.  I will be so disappointed if this one belongs to a leech.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 9:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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There's no loop that I'm aware of.


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bert
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
There's no loop that I'm aware of.


Walden becomes the "new" Welder, pursing Lark.

Whoever arrives in the next car becomes the new "Walden".

And the cycle repeats.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 9:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Personally, I disagree that's the intent...and if it is, it makes even less sense then.

Are these killings and abductions taking place on a daily basis?

Do these people feel no humanly pain?

Is there a police force somewhere, within 500 miles?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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I don't think it's a loop, in the sense that it will necessarily keep going. It's more just a twist on how someone can end up like the Welder. We usually assume the Welder is a psychopath, but this gives a different understanding. I have been kind of oscillating on my opinion on this story. But if the author intends this to be some kind of infinite loop, I will swing back towards frustration with it.
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mcornetto
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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That's why I think it would be much more cool if the ending were rewritten so that it was more like a mobius strip.  Where the ending is exactly like the beginning except from the POV of the Welder in the van.  Both the Welder and the person in the car are Walden.  Of course you might have to subtly foreshadow some of this during the script itself because it would bring up some interesting and different questions.  
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