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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Captive - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Captive - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed  (currently 6915 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Bowden, Alberta
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Quoted from Baltis.

It's very important for Flow and Pace.  What people, mainly amateur's, overlook is the structure of a script and how important it is that you nail certain criteria and aspects down to a science.  

Can you right FADE IN: right justified to the 1.5?  Sure you can... But we can also read books backwards.   Having FADE IN: on the left of the page means we jump into our movie and read it from left to right.  It's a flow and pace thing.  It's a blueprint thing.  It's a traditional thing.

I don't know about you or anyone else but I like reading left to right... It might be old school, but it works.  I like ending a book by turning pages to the left too.  It's just how I am.

Can you get away with putting it on the right side of the page?  I'm sure many have to a level of success -- But why change the record if people are still dancing to the current one?   Some people, myself, don't like change.  Others do.  It's a taste thing.  It's a style thing.  You do what works best for you and your style -- Some, myself included, will pan it -- Others will applaud it.

Seriously,   sometimes I screw up because I study Hebrew as a hobby. And I'll be writing right to left as is normal for Hebrew, but then every so often, I go in reverse.

I do prefer FADE IN at the left, but that's just me. Left, Gevurah, strength and judgment. Right, Chesed, kindness and mercy. I have a solution!!!

Let's put FADE IN in the middle!!!


A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Posted: March 5th, 2011, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Let's put FADE IN in the middle!!!

I think this thread really isn't the place for a screenwriting format discussion.  So let's get rid of FADE IN altogether.
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Posted: March 5th, 2011, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats!  Much deserved.

Captive was one of my top three picks.  Out of the three I chose, this one really had that filmable quality.  I can't wait to see the finished product.  
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Posted: March 5th, 2011, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Congrats on a fine script!
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Posted: March 5th, 2011, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Congratulations!  Definitely a deserved winner.
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Posted: March 7th, 2011, 2:51pm Report to Moderator

New Jersey, USA
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Thank you all for reading and commenting.  I'm still in the process of reading everyone else's work from the OWC, so over the next couple days I'll be bouncing back and forth between doing that and responding to the critiques/questions on this board.  I'll try and make sure I address at least all of the bigger questions...

Obviously MAJOR SPOILERS will follow...

What was The Myth...?

In the rules/guidelines we were instructed that we could combine, modify and modernize these myths.  My myth is something of a mash up, featuring elements of a few of those on the list to create a new myth.  The main one that I wanted to use was the Phi Pop, as RayW noticed and pointed out in the thread.  I didn't much care for the "whirlpool dance" method of vanquishing the Pop, however, as it didn't seem like something that would come across well on film... At least not without a bunch of overt, direct exposition, which I was clearly trying to avoid by not overly explaining much at all in the script.  I wanted to leave a lot to the imagination.  So I took some liberties...

I also included elements of The Bogeyman (The Welder - abducting a small girl... in my research I read that he is referred to as Sack Man in some cultures, which is the origin of the sack he carried her in), The Siren (young female luring a seaman - or in this case a motorist - to his doom), Goblin (Lark's evil trickster nature and her grotesque appearance) and general purpose witchcraft/the occult (The Welder's caustic brew, mixed with Lark's blood).

What's the deal with Lark...?

She is not an overpowering, dominant force...  She does not have any super strength or special abilities as some thought she might...  She is a small creature, but she is quick and sneaky.  That's how she can take down a deer, that's why she had to knock out the lights to take down The Welder, that's why she stuck to the shadows when circling Walden.  She is an intelligent creature and a hunter, she uses the cover of darkness and the element of surprise to get the drop on her victims.

Some folks were unclear on why Lark would "allow" Walden to break her thumb.  She didn't allow it, she needed it to be done to facilitate her escape.  She can't cut through her ropes, but her hands are small enough that without the added tension from the rigidness of her thumb, she can slide out of them.  Once she got out, one could speculate that her likely next move would be to leave Walden behind and run away again OR she might even cut him free in hopes to pit him against The Welder to distract them both during her escape.  But before she could collect herself, The Welder returned.

Why is Lark "beautiful and normal" in one scene and then grotesque at the end...?

There is no transformation, Lark is always grotesque.  This is something that I thought I had gotten across in the writing, but perhaps could have been spelled out more clearly.  At three separate points in the script, I mention Lark's face being mostly covered, either by her hair or by The Welder's glove when he carries her downstairs.  The intention, which will obviously come across clearer on screen, is that her face is never seen until the scene in which it is described.  I wanted the audience to go on the journey that Walden went on.  So, I tried to never give any information to the audience that Walden himself did not have.  Therefore, since he has never seen her face, we never see her face.  At least not her full disfigured form.  We may catch glimpses of her, but we never get the whole picture until Walden does in the basement.

Why does Lark attack Walden in the basement but not kill him...?

Walden comes down, catches her eating The Welder's intestines, sees her for what she really is and she feels trapped, cornered by her former ally.  She attacks, the way a feral animal would in the same situation.  She has no interest in feeding on him, she's already eaten.  She doesn't necessarily need to kill him, she just needs to fight him off long enough that she can get away, so she attacks.  Even if she wanted to kill him, once the caustic potion gets on his hands and face, she cannot continue with her attack for fear that it will get on her... and it's already been set up that she knows what the potion is and that it is fatal to her.  She can't take the risk, so she flees.

I am going to go read some of the other entries now... will return with more answers to questions in the thread later.
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Posted: March 7th, 2011, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Very well answered Duck. I had wondered about the possibility of her face just not being seen. It does say at the beginning, if I recall, she is 20, which is probably what threw me down that direction. So it is not that she turns into a hag, it is just that to humans her appearance is grotesque. I got it.

Curious about how you would want that filmed. If the audience never sees her face, what will they assume? That might reduce some of your intended twist effect, though the main twist is Walden becoming Welder. If we don't see her face, certainly we will assume the worst about her.

I think you answered most of the questions, except maybe the flashback. As I mentioned before, my assumption was that it was needed to animate Walden at the end to take the role of Welder.

Very nice work, Duck!
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Posted: March 13th, 2011, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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I thought the storytelling was better than the story, itself.  The story was your basic slasher chase scene and follow up with an interesting twist at the end.  I did catch the clue you left in the story.  After that, I was waiting to see Lark reveal her hand to the point that it was distracting.

You can cut back on a lot of the headers you used; this read more than a shooting script as a result of them.  Taking them out could possible reduce the page count to eleven.


One thing that puzzles me is that where all the scenes took place.  Walden lost his wife/girlfriend to Lark in the flashback.  And he and Lark run into each other in the story.  How much territory does Lark cover?  I would imagine quite a bit as Walden had no idea where he was, driving.

e-mail Reply: 67 - 69
Posted: March 13th, 2011, 10:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
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I gather this will be filmed by Rick, so congratulations to the writer and best of luck with the production, Rick.

Obviously I am reading the rewrite, so I am not sure how much this differs from the initial script.

This script immediately stands out by virtue of its filmable moments and potentially memorable shots:

- The Welder's mask as it passes the rear of the car.
- The hand on the back of the van as it passes.

Also, you created an instant charisma with Jessica, and with minimal words, involve me in the relationship with Walden - excellent writing. There is resonance in the flashbacks as it reveals Jessica also falls to Lark, which in view of Walden's desire to help leaves an ironic twist as he was unable to help the one he loved, or himself by the end.

This script is also evidence of keeping your characters quiet, unless they have something to say.

Overall, this is a good little script reminiscent of a 'Twilight Zone' or 'Outer Limits' cautionary tale.

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Posted: October 13th, 2017, 4:27pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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See this thread for info on the filming and showing

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