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A ton of potential here. Not sure if it works as a short, seems more like something that could be a feature. I liked the truth or dare element; and the legend with the mirrors used. A short might be perfect if it ends with the first girl getting killed, but actually showing it.
Great concept, a lot of directions you could go.
Some stuff that proof reading missed(p 5 stepped), but overall the writing was effective. No problem to follow, nothing slowed it down.
Every script so far in the challenge has shortcomings, and this is no exception, but it's one of the better ones, in contention, seems easy to film, and has potential to expand or do more with. Nice work!
Good logline. I don't understand the title though.
The premise is good, but there are flaws in logic and I think the biggest problem is the set up.
The beginning is weak. I know you wanted to show it's Halloween, but I think showing the mother as a bit odd might have amped up the validity of her dialogue later on and added intrigue. Right now, as it stands, we've got the wooden goblin, (which you might like to put in caps) as the identifier that tells us that Mom knows all about the kind of esoteric lore.
Maybe if you showed her doing some wild ritual or something, you could establish a connection between her and her daughter. Kinda make out like they get a bit possessed you know. Change the tempo, where they go from "just a dare", to a bit crazed and insistent, that Sarah play their little game. No what I mean? Create that energy.
On page 1, lines like:
Music plays in the house.
Are extremely weak. Pay attention to this kind of thing. We know we're in the house by the slug; so don't write it again.
On page 5, you’ve got Jules as being off screen and it doesn’t make sense. For the dare to be carried out correctly, she’d obviously want to be in the bathroom with her, watching the whole thing take place; so I think that there’s a logic flaw there.
On page 6 the story appears over.
Sara’s dead. A bit of a so what for me.
And Mom seems to have all the answers all of a sudden. (Remember, the wooden Goblin is not enough for the audience to make the leap of faith that, yes, she's some kind of spiritual guru-gal. So yes, seems like she’s all loaded up with logic on how to deal with the problem, but it comes out of nowhere.
Still, this is a good effort. All a person has to do is go back in years to remember a time when this kind of story would be really cool to watch. Zip it up a little maybe for this generation and voila!
I was not a big fan of the set-up for this one, and felt the introduction of the "myth" was particularly clunky in terms of the flow of dialogue.
Once the story gets going, however, the narrative is strong enough to pull you along even if you do not buy completely into the suspension of disbelief that is necessary for these events.
In the bedroom, it would have been nice were there a more clever reflection than that of a giant mirror, which she surely would have known about beforehand.
The most compelling character here, actually, was the mother. She was foreshadowed well -- and I like her contribution to this story -- and I wonder if it was the right choice not to let her arrive at the house and to include her in the action going on here.
This entry was entertaining for the type of story it had to tell, but could have used a little something extra to lift it higher, and I think the mother could have provided that had the author been given more time.
And I do not understand the title, either, Sandra.
Not bad for a OWC. Not bad at all. It's one of the better ones.
I got a little worried with the Candyman reference (didn't you see the movie?) First off, I'm usually not too thrilled when other horror works are referenced (regardless if I like the pop culture or not) second, 'Candyman' is inspired by the urban legend of Bloody Mary.
Other than that (which is minor) I liked this one.
Like others, I don't get the title- but yknow, if the story's good, the title's good. At least most of the time.
The title was lost on me I'm afraid but I quite liked this. It all escalated pretty quickly. One minute they're just three teenage girls talking about boys, the next they're all dead, and all because of their gossipy, peer pressure antics.
Nice use of mythology although I'm not sure what it has to do with Halloween.
It's so NOT-predictable and that's the best thing about it. I did not expect all three of them to die. So, when I saw Miranda in a bathroom I thought "awesome".
I liked this one a lot, don't think you should change it any. The "are you really a virgin" and the "looking into the mirror" myth made great sense.
I remember this myth myself, we used to look into mirrors... Two mirrors would be across from each other creaating a mirror labyrinth. the guy in our mirrors was supposed to start walking toward you. If he reaches the last mirror he'll strangle you. We did it when we were ten and still believed in spooky...
Selvage * Self + savage = selvage? * I liked it even though it was built on the horror standby truth or dare game gone wrong and mirrors * the mother’s knowledge was convenient * flow was good, didn’t even see the slugs
This was an okay story, not the most original. Another House of Mystery type story. I think it suffered because it was rushed (thank you one week challenge). There wasn't much time for too much suspense to build, though there was some.
I have to wonder if teenagers still play these superstitious games. Candyman. Bloody Mary. Eating the apple (one I hadn't heard). Twelve year olds, I can understand. Seventeen year olds, not so much.
After the OWC, you should give this a rewrite. Increase it by five pages, or so. Build up the suspense a little. Maybe develop the characters a little more.
This one read okay, so good on you there. You executed a worn concept fairly well. I don't get what Halloween had to do with anything, goblins seemed tacked on here. Why have the mother be uber with the folklore but only use her for exposition? Boo. A mother fighting to save her daughter is more compelling than screetchy teens. It's a plain pizza, but it eats okay, a mirror shard above the average here.
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This one had some nice, tense moments. But I think the writer could have explored the premise more.
Creepy scene with the candle flames bending one way. Could have done without the ROAR. Somehow seemed out of place. Someone already mentioned the sentence "She stepped into a pool of blood...", which read awkward.
I couldn't understand why the girls wouldn't just run out of the house. Something is in there with them, and their friend has just been murdered. Seems like they'd be breaking down the front door to get out. The phone conversation with the mom kind of dialed down the tension.
Nice imagery with Sarah turning her head and the bones cracking. But, I thought the bad guy was the candyman in the mirror.
I did like this idea of the girl doing everything in her power to avoid looking at a mirror. I would have preferred something more subtle than a big door mirror to be the thing that gets her, though. But once again, I kept thinking why is this girl not running for the hills? Screw what Mom said about staying in the house.
I'll have to echo what the others have said here. Feels a bit rushed and done before. I did like that you attempted to try and modernize an old myth. I Just think it needed some more pages or time to really build tension, character.
Also, I think you might want to re-visit that scene where Miranda dies. Head stuck in the toilet? Might come off a bit comical on screen. Although, i do enjoy watching someone get a good swirlie. Speaking of Swirl.... Moving on.
The title? I'll look forward to an explanation after the names are revealed...