SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:25am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Script Review Exchange  ›  Black Comedy / Crime Thriller swap Moderators: the goose
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Black Comedy / Crime Thriller swap  (currently 347 views)
al_infierno
Posted: July 30th, 2022, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
1
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey all, I have a 19 page script adapted from an unfinished short story I wrote.  If anyone is willing to read it, I'd be happy to read someone else's script in return.  I'm willing to read a script of any genre or length, but if it's more than 90 pages it might take me a while to get back to you with review.

This is my very first stab at writing a screenplay so I'm happy for any basic advice about what works, what doesn't work, etc.

Title: Lords and Ladies

Genre: Black Comedy / Crime

Length: 19 pages

Logline: A pair of semi-competent bank employees get embroiled in small-town mafia shenanigans in this black comedic crime short.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q2IITr95PrJNJaOqDjEhpbqWXBiIXBZk/view
Logged Offline
Private Message
Desmond
Posted: September 29th, 2022, 5:46am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
111
Posts Per Day
0.17
I am new to this business even though I have written stage stuff including pantomime. I have frustrated everyone here with a new British comedy script which need looking at.


I wouldn’t describe it as comedy but I am Irish. Living in the UK brought up with BBC comedy.

Who are John and Theo? Ages(?) surnames? Appearances? I would change name of slick, make him a beast of a man not to be challenged. Maybe this slick is under pressure from a bigger boss and is shitting himself that he isn’t coming up with the goods and secretly wants to disappear. Probably new to the money laundering game. Need more characters in bank asking awkward and annoying questions to a highly strung Theo. Bit more tension and clumsiness .
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Desmond
Posted: September 29th, 2022, 6:46am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
111
Posts Per Day
0.17
And to go further. You could frame Slick and they split the bank money between them.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
JFrench
Posted: November 18th, 2022, 9:09am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for sharing Lords and Ladies.



The characters seemed rather two dimensional to me (not sure if that makes sense). They didn't engage my sympathy very much. I just didn't care about them and didn't feel vested.

Slick seemed quite a cliche.

I didn't understand some of the detail you included - eg clothes and bushes etc. I would be tempted to trim out as much as possible.

I wanted the pace to be much quicker. There seems to be quite a bit of waiting for days to end. etc It got better later.

At times, there is a lot of character description that could be shown with dialogue eg He wants
to speak, but he’s struggling to express what he wants to say.

I also think the bank employees would be constrained by policies that they would be obliged to follow rather than just sending money out in a case etc And if they are breaking their guidelines, then why not break some laws too. I didn't get what they valued/ motivated them.

I didn't like Theo talking to himself about John getting killed - felt too much telling the viewer etc rather than 'natural' conversation.

I was confused why Slick had a bag when he storms off with the money from the wallet?

I didn't feel much tension with Slick's threats. Maybe I just didn't care much what happened to the characters?

I liked the twist but why fill out a police report? Why wouldn't Theo just keep the money? I also though the muted reaction to near death didn't ring true.

I also didn't get the two separate parts - why the Lords and Ladies bit? It seems just about Slick's threats etc. I wanted to know why the debt originated - I assume the laptop.

Hope feedback is helpful - I mean it constructively. Sorry if it sounds negative!


Good luck with it

Jason
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Script Review Exchange  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006