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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Script Review Exchange  ›  Full script help needed. Moderators: the goose
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Desmond
Posted: May 25th, 2023, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi. I have asked for help about a script that I was working on as a newcomer. I was told by someone here that they would look at it for me. Would this offer still be available? It failed the BBC competition. I am happy to look at someone’s comedy script but I am an Irish / British person, and  my comedy tends to be old style comedies like hi-de-hi, Fawlty towers, Rising damp and Red Dwarf to name just a few. Proper old style comedy.

I would need a link to where to post mine.
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LC
Posted: May 25th, 2023, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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Post the script to Don.

Or post here in this Script Exchange thread with a link to your script with its title, genre, logline.


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Desmond
Posted: May 25th, 2023, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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I did this but where can I see it on the forum?
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Desmond
Posted: May 25th, 2023, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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I will post it here. Sorry to Don for the confusion. Anyone can read this. I have put a small description for this forum to explain it better. It is a 30 minute comedy.

https://desmond-otoole.co.uk/Rosey/Rosey-Log-Line.pdf

http://desmond-otoole.co.uk/Rosey/New-neighbours.pdf
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AlsoBen
Posted: May 29th, 2023, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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It's not really typical to outline your thematic goals on the title page outside the most exceptional circumstances.

Did you write this in a word processor? WriterDuet/WriterSolo - screenwriting software - are  free, and does all the hard stuff for you.

Some notes on the first few bits I read:

There's nothing wrong with describing the contents/style of a setting or room, but the pages I read consistently opened scenes with descriptions of the room the characters are in, before you even describe who or what the characters are doing. If it's important that a room or setting is described, you should still be "jumping right in" witb the characters and their goings-on before describing the setting on its own.

Eg.

Yours second scene INT. KELLY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – MORNING could jump right to your intro of Kelly working on the hem of the dress. Everything in your first two sentences could be implied some other way - if there's a plot/character reason for (example) the Irish ornaments on the wall, you should probably have a character interact with it in some way so the reader knows it's there. The rest of it, for the most part, can be unsaid. We already know that there's mannequins in the room because your very next line is Kelly working with the mannequins, so you can introduce them at that point.

I understand the desire to "set the scene" entirely to give the viewer the lay of the land, but people naturally fill in the blanks where needed. As you write more, you figure out more organic ways to include this stuff.

Did you get any feedback from the BBC program? I once got to semifinals with the BBC comedy competition and someone at BBC (I think) gave me brief written feedback which I treasure to this day!


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Desmond
Posted: June 1st, 2023, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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I only put that on the title page for you. It would be left off otherwise.

Did you write this in a word processor? Yes but are you saying that the layout is wrong? I have used word all my life at it gives me a good sence of control here. I am in total charge of everything including the settings of margins.

I was led to understand that (for the pilot episode) that the room needs to be described first if it is the first time we visit it. I thought I needed to explain to the director / props team etc what style of house and room they are. For example the Kelly’s house is very basic as they are a new family on a low income. The other house is  very posh and up market. Rosy is a music teacher hence the piano and obo in it's stand.
Feed back was negative. They said it failed the first 10 pages. Not sure whether this is a standard email sent out to the 2 thousand that did not make it.

I would like feedback on where they could have picked holes in it. I wanted to get the characters up and running in the first 10 pages hi-lighting Mollie's views on same sex relationships. She doesn’t know that she has moved in with 2 of them next door. Bridgid (daughter) does know and has warned them about her mum. This set’s the scene for a lot of comedy instances.

I actually wrote all 6 episodes with a big last episode with practical jokes involving Stewart convincing the girls that the house is haunted and visions of a headless horseman. I think I might put that one forward next year as it is packed with events.

"the Irish ornaments on the wall, you should probably have a character interact with it in some way so the reader knows it's there."

In the early years of corronation street, the Ogdens had a rubbish house with 3 porcelin geese on the wall. No interaction needed. Just to show their life style.

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Desmond  -  June 2nd, 2023, 9:05am
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