I came back to this script recently and have submitted a new draft with a detailed backstory for the bad guys. I think it adds a lot more credibility to the story as well as suggests that there're other bad guys out there that are just as nasty but perhaps not as obvious. If anyone who's read the script would care to take a look at the scene when it's posted, that'd be great. If anyone else'd care to check out the script who hasn't, that'd be great too.

sounds interesting. I'll give this a read in the next day or so.

just finished this.

this is a grizly script, and I like that.  You put stuff in here a lot of people probably wouldn't have the balls to put in.  This was kind of like an episode of Tales from the cript I saw a few years back whith Christopher Reeve, but I liked this one more, This had the feel of TCM and The hills have eyes (I just saw that and it rocked), there is an elegant brutality to it.  I thought the story moved quite well except for some of the running in the woods scene, some of that dialog didn't work for me, it felt a little pushed.  I would just have them run and not stop to talk.

there were a few mistakes I saw in here, like on page 4 you say NONE, and I think you mean No one, unless I just read it wrong.

om page 52 you have ed say
                                              ed
                     I run a business as you know.  it's a

                                             ed
                      very good business ect. ect. ect.

I don't think it's supposed to be like that, I think you need some action between when the same person speaks.

also on page 52 (this is a good thing)  you use my favorite curse word, I'm sure you know which one it is, no one really uses it, but I love it.

on page 62 you have ed say
                                          ed
                    I think there maybe something the matter with Jeb ect. ect ect.
                    
                                         ed
                     I'm on my way!

i think Sanders was supposed to say that.

i loved the ending wich was bloody and action packed.  You kept tension all through out, which is hard to do.

all in all great job.  Last question.  Is ed gein a real serial killer, I swore I've heard of him.  

anywho, keep up the great bloody work.

Thanks for the read, Jordan. Glad you liked it. All the problems you've cited have already been fixed. I see what you're saying about the dialogue in the woods. I thought the scene at the house and the scene at the gas station could use some in between banter. I may change it, I may not though. I still think the scene has some importance other than being transitional.
And yes, Ed Gein is a real person although not technically a serial killer. He killed two people and there's some question as to whether or not he blacked out when he did it. Still, that doesn't change the impact of the things he did.

New draft is up.

I liked your story very much. I like how you have stories that involve teens, even if some aren't IQ geniuses, but it isn't a stupid slasher/zombie pic. You have a pretty good format and it is pretty original. I just think Lucy is too, wise-beyond-her-years.
Your killers are very intresting and you tell about them giving the story some psychological feel to it, like interviewing Ed. It reminded me like Devil's Rejects. Good job. You get into the story quickly but it still is a real nail-bitter, a very quick read.

This was the first script I've read on this site, and all I can say is WOW. This would make a crazy movie. I hope one day I can write a script this good. Nice job.

My first review exciting, EH!!!  

OK, now down to business. I've only read up to around the mid 30pg area, planning on fininshing later, but first just had to say these things.

You set up plenty of opportunity to deepen ur characters as well as the dramatic potential.

Judging from the first scene involving Lucy we appear to get a character that is observent hints the photography and website making her a person willing to listen and not quick to judge, so it seems at least and such a character setup would be GOLD JERRY! GOLD! (Seinfeld moment) with the character Spence whose already disliked by Kimmy and Josh. But I was as upset as Spence when Lucy took their side.

Again she's observent, she says "I'm always interested in how people work..." that line says alot. She should be the person tryin to figure Spence out not be confrontational, plus it seperates her from Kimmy and Josh, she's the main character she shouldn't following their lead. Plus it sets up a potential romance which adds drama...

And in the Car, Spence would be driving, he wants the group running on his clock, right. But how about putting him the backseat with Lucy where they have the privacy to deepen a relationship cause Spence isn't an a**hole he's passionate about something and Lucy sees this much more then the others if they see it at all...

Upfront, how about Kimmy drives and Josh shotgun disgusting Kimmy with tails of Ed Gein and cannibalism, in fact make Kimmy a vegatarian adding to the expiernce of the conversation.

So, while a light conversation happens upfront, a deeper heavier one in back. Both expanding character and adding to the dramatic potential. Even though Lucy has to take a bite out of Bo to escape, imagine Kimmy a vegitarian having to do it to escape or maybe Lucy is the vegitarian.

When Ed at the Diner asks the group about what their filming and why, when Lucy answers what Josh wants to do and what Spence wants to do is great cause it shows how she's been listenting to Spence and what he's tryin' to do, she's tryin' to understand him, maybe she goes further and agrees with Spence's point of view, maybe she puts into words what Spence couldn't. Spence takes notice to this and now Lucy's really sparked his interest in her.

It may sound like im trying o rewrite your script , im not just some ideas i had that would add dramatic setup & release and add to character which I know you guys where discussing before.


Phew that was a lot..... let me know if any of this helps or at the very least if its sounds like good ideas...

Thanks a lot, insideman_j. That's one hell of a review from a new guy if I do say so myself.

I'm glad you focused on character development in your review since I think this one could use a little more. It's there but my standards for character development are a little higher nowadays. I think you made a good point of saying that Lucy shouldn't side with Kimmy and Josh but what I was going for in that scene was Lucy trying to make Spence try to see where his friends are coming from. Now that you mention it, however, I do think Lucy could, at the same time, try to make the others see where Spence is coming from so everyone is able to understand each other. I'll try to incorporate that into another draft.

I'm not big on Lucy and Spence being in a relationship. That's something I was trying to avoid from the getgo. I do like the idea of Spence picking up on the fact that Lucy understands him at the diner and then him thinking about a potential romance while Lucy remains indifferent. I think his death would be far more tragic as a result.

I love the idea of Kimmy being a vegetarian. I think it strengthens her character a lot. Lucy has to be the one to take a bite out of Bo but I think Kimmy could take a bite out of Ray later on instead of using the knife sharpener. I think it'd make the scene much more shocking. I'll definitely be incorporating the vegetarian bit into the next draft. Ironically, I'm a vegetarian. Perhaps Freud would say that's why I write this kind of stuff.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the comments. They're a big help and I'll definitely be taking them into consideration.

dude your stuffs awesome - i actually read this one again.  i cant wait to see what "Lycanthrope" is going to be about

Thanks man. I try.

just read this and its the first i've managed to complete, which is a good thing right.  I'll start with the negatives, there aren't many i promise.  Firstly i just couldn't help but think that this was a remake of the texas chainsaw massacre.  The inbred family, meathooks, the dining room scene and also the way the girls mistakingly seek help from the gas station clerk.  I agree with an earlier post about it having a bit of a slow start and then it goes at 90mph to the end.  my only other small gripe is with the brothers Ed and Ray.  in a flashback Ray kills someone and it seems Ed is the dominent family member by staying calm and sorting it out, but later these roles seem to be reversed when Ed calls Ray from the diner.  I don't know maybe i missed something.
All in all i was impressed with this screenplay, i enjoyed it although it was a little unoriginal.  Sounds like i didn't think much of it but that would be wrong.  Your dialogue is good, this is something i struggle with the most, and your discriptions are nice and clear.  Nice gore too, i like a movie that dares to shock.
Good work and i hope one day i will manage to complete a sreenplay that i can post.

Thanks for the read, Alffy. I do agree with you about the script being unoriginal (except who said anything about the brothers being inbred?). I think I'm finally at a point where I can accept that the story is derivitive. I think I tried to write my version of how I thought a story like this should be as opposed to something completely original. I still think I have some things here that films like TCM, The Hills Have Eyes, and Raw Meat don't have such as a strong female character and a psychological backstory for the villains while still keeping them genuinely evil and not simpathetic. I also think I exploited a few things that haven't been exploited enough in the latter films and others as well. Nevertheless, it's nothing groundbreaking but I'm still quite proud of it. Thanks again for the read.

sorry James i just made an assumption that the family were inbreds, probably because of your setting/location.  Anyway i liked it, think i'll give one of your other screenplays a read, any suggestions?  I started a screenplay of my own months ago and struggling with the 2nd act so i think just completing one is an achievement in itself.

If you like, you can read House Of God, also in the horror section. I think it's my best work on the site on more levels than one. You might find similarities to another movie in it but I assure you the wheels were turning for House Of God way before this one.

Also, if you decide to post your script when it's finished, let me know and I'll check it out. I try to return the favor as much as possible.