Abattoir by James McClung - Horror - Four young filmmakers on a road trip decide to stop at the wrong gas station and find themselves in the clutches of some sick individuals running a cannibalistic meat business. 101 pages - pdf, format

This is by no means a slasher. No dumb teenagers running off into the woods drinking, doing drugs, and having sex. This was much more inspired by horror films of the early 70s and, to some extent, a recent French film called Haute Tension. I'd like to think it's quite a nasty piece of work. Any comments and/or criticisms would be much appreciated.

I'll take a look at this sometime this week and let you know what I think. I've been meaning to read something in a while and this sounds like something I'd like to read.

Thanks, MacDuff. In the mean time, if you have anything you'd like read, I'll be sure to do so.

Okay, so I've read through the script. Here goes:

SPOILERS......








FORMATTING:

Format is good. Nothing really wrong that I can see. There are a few spelling mistakes throughout, but nothing that really stands out. Mostly things like "to" instead of "two" etc..etc...

Only suggestion I could put forth is some of your descriptions could be chopped down a little. There are a couple of one sentance paragraphs, you could maybe squeeze them together (keeping them under 4 sentances total).

Descriptions and passages are all good and concise. Good job.

Oh...I've just spotted the name "HANSEN" a few times. I believe you are referring to "SANDERS". You'll need to switch that out!


STORY/SETUP:

The main problem with the story is a common problem that many writers and amateur writers have....lack of a main character. The main character guides us through the script from beginning to end. We learn, feel, react and experience the movie through them (on the most part...there are some ensamble pieces and movies where the main character is not a person). I felt that there was not a clear protagonist.

For example:

You open with Sanders and Grover. First 10 pages to be precise. So, I was thinking they would be the characters we would follow throughout - but they disappear on page 10, only to return on page 62. From page 10 onwards, we follow the kids, but even there we do not see a clear protagonist emerge. Even though Lucy emerges as seemingly the main character at the climax and at the resolution.

Possible Solution:

Look at developing your main character and build the story around them (most likely candidate is Lucy). I felt a little thrown of with Sanders and Grover.

The next issue is the plot. It's hard to develop something different on a tired genre. Even though you have tried putting your own style onto this story, it still seems common. Like I've seen it before, you know? I'm thinking along the lines of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House Of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Wrong Turn to name a few. In order to stand out from those, you need to come up with a unique twist. When you are trying to sell an idea to a producer who will read your work, the first thing they'll ask is "what's the hook". What is yours? What makes it different than the movies I've listed above?

Possible Solution:

You could work on developing ED and his Diner. Work on creating a close-knit community to place the script in. Work with it, play with it. There is potential there.

First 10-Pages...I'm a FIRM believer that the first 10 pages need to do the following:

1. Excite the reader, grab them, draw them in for the long haul.
2. An memorable first scene. It doesn't have to be a $10 million shot...but hook us in!
3. Introduce the protagonist and their needs.

I found that with your first 10 pages, there was a lot of dialogue with nothing given to us to want us to beg for more. I understand why you had the dialogue at the diner, and the opening scene. But it could be worked on a little.

Possible Solution:

Expand the opening scene. You have a chance for something there. It's good - but make it great. Create something that grabs our attention from that opening line. Wow us. Then maybe introduce your main character for the next pages. Maybe start with the kids before moving onto the sheriff etc..etc..


CHARACTERS:

As I mentioned above, there is a clear lack of a main character. Is it Lucys movie? Sanders? Ed? Grover?  If you work on that, that will give you a big boost.

Possible Solution:

As I mentioned before, work on a main character (or 2 if strongly needed), then create the characters to either help him/her or oppose their main goal.

Develop your characters more. I never got a feel for most of them. I couldn't connect with any of the kids or the sheriff. I picked up on Sanders pretty quickly, which was good and I think Ed is a strong character - congrats! Ray and Potato Sack don't need anymore major development, but some background info would be great. The 3rd-Act turn in Grover was seemingly out of nowhere. There was nothing leading up to it, it's just like a new character. I'm not sure if you purposly did that - but it seems out of character. I think it also doesn't help that they disappeared for 40-50 minutes. Same with the kids - they seem to be there just to be there. You do have some character development with them, but nothing that forwards the movie along convincingly. Don't make the fodder, make them characters that we don't want to see dead (or care).

Possible Solution:

As I said, develop the characters a little more. Place them in situations or conversations that forward the movie along and show us more about them. The main characters should have a flaws, just as much as attributes and abilities. Develop them!


DIALOGUE:

Dialogue is pretty good actually. There is a little exposition in the 3rd act, and some out-of-character speeches too. I think if you re-develop some characters, make sure to go over their dialogue after.

Good job!


BELIEVABLILTY/CONTINUITY:

Here's some things I wrote down as I read:

1. The first action event begins around page 28. That may be too late and it's completely out of nowhere. We don't have a feel for the characters involved yet, so that doesn't help.
2. Where did Josh go once they are captured? Either I've missed that, or it's a big omission. Here is another chance to add some thrills.
3. The girls are naked for a good portition of the 2nd act. It may actually work against you to have them like that for that amount of time...especially what they get involved in during that time.
4. Sanders and Grover finding the girls in the graveyard. Unfortunately, it's too convenient at the moment. Those two finding the girls works, I think you just need get them there another way.
5. Sanders and Grover dozing off at the clinic. Not sure they would do that...even in a small town (that's just my opinion).
6. They wouldn't leave the girls unattended, especially after something like this. There would atleast be one cop overlooking them while the rest head to Ed's Diner.
7. The character change in Grover is unbelievable. I'm sorry, it's just so out of left field. Work on his character to nullify that. The speech on pages 74-75 need work.
8. Is there a background story to the town? Ed seems to have a history, same with Grover. That needs worked on!
9. The 3rd Act seems to have the biggest breakdown. I'm not a fan of the reaction of the police force and the events that follow...just my opinion.
10. Don't like the overall ending. Not sure what doesn't click - it's just boom, boom, boom, everyone is dead. Cut back on the deaths and get some tension in there. This is where our main character is supposed to excel and truimph (or fail) or where you, the writer gives us a mind-blowing twist or shock.


OVERALL:

There is a story here and I think you can pull it off. It just needs a few more re-writes. It's a little slow to start, so maybe add a little action in the first act...setting up the 2nd and 3rd. It's a worn genre, so you need to make it original and complete with hooks, twists and good characters. Once you find out who you want the main character to be, that will help the feeling of the reader wandering through the story.

Dialogue is good, which is where a lot of writers stumble. Try to move away from the the 3rd act you have right now...you have a chance to make a thrilling ending, right now it's just a senseless action packed murder spree...

Overall - well done. It's definitely not bad...and you have the bases of a good script. It just needs worked on...move away from the tired storyline and try to add some twists, hooks, and tension to the script.

Phew! I'm done.

I hope you appreciate the words...and as I always tell people...this is only my OPINION on the script. Take it or leave it. Nothing I say is personal, only written to help the author on future projects.

Finally...well done! Writing a screenplay isn't easy!

Well I don't think MacDuff left anything for me to say (ha ha), but I'll give it a try anyway.

I'm a big fan of 70's era horror films (Texas Chainsaw, Motel Hell, Last House on the Left, etc etc.), so this was a pretty enjoyable read for me, but I do agree that there could be a little bit more character development, and maybe another twist.  How bout bringing the kids camera into play?

I also caught the Sanders/Hanson thing, but I also noticed a Grover/Hooper change.

I would eliminate the "The End?  No" unless it's supposed to be a SUPER.

How long of an extension cord do you need to chase somebody around with a circular saw like that?  Also, on page 103, you refer to it as a chainsaw.

Like I said above, I thought this was a pretty good story overall since I'm a fan of 70's era horror, but there are some things that are a little too close to the movies I referenced.  The main thing POTATO SACK.  I'm sure my reasoning here is pretty self explanatory so I'll just leave it at that.

I'll give this a 3/5.

Mike

Thanks a lot for the comments, guys. Obviously I have a lot of work to do but I don't feel phased. A lot of what MacDuff suggested are things that I tried to do. Lucy was most definitely supposed to be the main character and Ed's diner was supposed to play a much larger part. Grover's character was also supposed to have been more developed. The idea was at the beginning of the script, he's a really nice guy but since everything is going on under his nose, he doesn't know how to be a real sheriff so when everything gets piled on his lap all at once, he snaps. I guess I didn't go far enough with those aspects of the script.

You guys touched on a lot of fears I had while writing however. I think it is kind of derivitive as is. The hook was supposed to be that this was a straightforward cannibalism script. Films like TCM and The Hills Have Eyes only skimmed the surface in terms of cannibalism and I wanted to make it as blatant as possible. Unfortunately Motel Hell (which I have yet to see) may have beat me to the punch. Is this enough of a hook or do I need to go further? The strong female character was also supposed to be a major hook. Everyone knows how women are portrayed in these sorts of films.

And finally the stuff I was most worried about...

The girls being naked for the majority of the second half was a huge, HUGE issue for me. I even confided with a female friend to make sure that the script didn't come off as blatantly misogenist (I was hoping it would be the opposite with the character of Lucy). But I couldn't find a way for them to get clothes back in that amount of time and felt it was neccessary for them not to have clothes as they are meant to be treated like animals and not human beings. Any suggestions?

And finally, there're a few aspects of the script I'm reluctant to change. The ending for one. I completely agree that adding tension would strengthen the scene but it was intended to be a total splatterfest and I don't feel I would be as fully satisfied with an alternate ending.

The beginning as well is a touchy subject. I didn't want to have an opening scene with a previous victim being chased through the woods or something to that effect but rather something more subtle but chilling at the same time.

And finally, what to do about Potato Sack? I purposely limited his presence throughout the script but he is supposed to be a movie monster of sorts. Not human at all. I'd be cool with losing the sack but what then? Suggestions?

Otherwise, I really appreciate the comments. This is already more than I got on my first script over the course of three months. Thanks!

Quoted from James McClung The beginning as well is a touchy subject. I didn't want to have an opening scene with a previous victim being chased through the woods or something to that effect but rather something more subtle but chilling at the same time.

Well, I wouldn't call it subtle, but instead of opening with a part of the ending, why not have Potato Sack butchering a body?  Might help to strengthen your cannibalism angle as well.

Just a thought.


Mike

I'm glad you didn't find an issue with the girls' lack of clothes but I was concerned that some people might. Some people are just touchy IMO. Nevertheless, I didn't want to get into any arguments. I may just leave them the way they are however. Several people outside this site have read the script already and I have yet to hear any objections from anyone.

Definitely do what you feel is right James...for it's your baby.

SPOILER...

I agree with Mike - without blowing the movie open with a chase scene, keep it subtle - that's great...just raise the bar a tiny bit. I think that tiny bit could go a long way.

As for the 2nd act with the females nude. I personally have no problems with them being nude...my issue is not the nude factor, but their actions and re-actions while being nude. It would probably be hard in screen time to keep them nude.

And as for the ending - good for you. If you want the ending to be a splatterfest, then that's cool with me...but keep the goriness in there for the full script. At the moment, it's a little lacking at the beginning and before the climax. Not say you should shift scenes around, but adding a little may not help.

Happy writing!

I've written a new opening scene a feel has a little more oomf. Let me know what you guys think:

INT. UNKNOWN ROOM

A woman’s body, stripped down to its undergarments, is dragged across a bloody tile floor. There is a jeweled piercing in its navel.

INT. DINER

The luminous interior of a country diner is crowded with people sitting at a counter in its center and in booths lining its perimeter. The atmosphere is loud with people chatting and shouting from all directions.

                    MALE VOICE (O.S.)
            Where’s my burger, Ed?!

                    FEMALE VOICE (O.S)
            Don’t forget about me, Ed!

                    ED (O.S.)
            Hey, now, there’s enough for everybody!

Behind the counter, a pair of hands tears open a plastic bag filled with ground meat. The hands remove of mound of meat from the bag and proceed to mold it into a burger shape.

Nestled within the meat, barely discernable, is a small, jeweled ornament.

INT. UNKNOWN ROOM

A woman’s abdomen fills the entire screen. The ornament in its navel sparkles.

In an instant, the layer of epidermis is torn away revealing a glistening red muscle underneath. The navel piercing remains fixated in place.

INT. DINER

A MALE CUSTOMER sitting at the counter vigorously chops away at a thick juicy burger in his hands.

Suddenly, he stops chewing and tongues around inside his mouth. He places two fingers inside his mouth and removes the jeweled ornament.

INT. UNKNOWN ROOM

Bloody meat is spewed out of a screeching meat grinder. The jeweled ornament turned ruby twinkles with in the glutinous mass.

INT. DINER

The male customer stares at the object in between his fingers.

                    MALE CUSTOMER
            Hey Ed!

A MAN in a green apron behind the counter walks over to address the male customer. His face is not visible.

                    ED (O.S.)
            What can I do for you, friend?

The customer holds up the jeweled ornament.

                    MALE CUSTOMER
            This yours?
                (a beat)

                    ED (O.S.)
            Sure is.

The customer hands the object to the man in front of him.

                    ED (O.S.)
            Wouldn’t want to lose that.

--

After this, I would go to the kids' first scene at Ed Gein's house. I'm thinking of actually showing the cops' raid of Ed Gein's house over Josh's monologue to add a little more excitement before taking off into the exposition.

Also, I've been thinking about developing the characters of the kids, Lucy being the protagonist this time around, and I'm not quite sure what you guys want from them. What's their outlook on life? What made them decide to do a documentary? What do I need to give you to make you connect with them? MacDuff, you said that you were able to connect with Sanders. I didn't think he was as developed as the other characters but obviously he has something that the others don't. Same with Ed. Character development's never really been an issue to me before and I'd like to take on the challenge rather than taking the easy way out and leaving the script as it is but I'm not sure exactly how to go about it. Suggestions?

Now you're on the right track. This is WAY better. The piercing is a little on the nose. If you remove the piercing from the girls body and grinding machine and just leave the ornament being picked out from the cooked burger - it would probably work better. Leaves a little more to the imagination.

The next logical step is to introduce your protagonist, so moving to the kids is wise. Once they are introduced and given a reason to be in this movie - then move to Grover and Sanders.

I like the irony of the students filming documentaries on serial killers, then ultimately being involved with killers. Maybe if they were focusing on the VICTIMS of serial killers - then it would work when they too become VICTIMS. That way you can still keep the work with Gein, just changing the angle a little.

You'd then have to work on developing Lucy a little more. Give the audience a reason to cheer her on.

As I said before, you're close!

Good Luck!

Hey there. I don't know what else to say. Think everyone else has already commented on everything about your script...I loved it. You definitly have a knack for writing horror too. I do prefer your new opening to your previous one, but I do think you don't need to show the naval ring. Not unitl the it's picked out of the guy's mouth. Definitly a movie I would go see if it was ever made.

Keep up the good work

Anth

This was a good read. I thought it was good horror film. Did you intentally make an Ed character since the kids were at Ed Geins old house?

Alright everyone, I've written and submitted a second draft of Abattoir. Amongst the changes I've made are:

1. 6 additional pages of exposition

2. Specific scenes have been moved to other places in the script (some earlier, some later).

3. An additional Grover backstory has been implemented as an attempt to justify his psychosis (I still feel somewhat uneasy about this one, his character may need to be revised again).

4. A town backstory has been implemented.

Some dialogue has been changed, scenes have been extended, changed, shortened, etc. I'm not sure what to do about Potato Sack so I've left him as is for now. Also, the revisions have ultimately left me with an additional problem: the script is too long (IMO at least).

Otherwise, I hope it works better this time around, I think it does so far. Let me know what you guys think.

Also PartyShooter101, Ed started off with the last name Fish which would have been a combination of Ed Gein and Albert Fish. I got rid of the last name though when I didn't want to make references to other films or killers or anything of that nature (Sanders and Grover were originally Hansen and Hooper, a nod to TCM). Yet the Gein homage still remains, I suppose.

This script was good. I agree with a post that says about the messing around of the main characters. Choose one, and stick to it. Potato sack kinda reminded me of Leatherface. Maybe he's supposed to, maybe he isn't supposed to. But he did. Maybe something you should look at.

Overall, a good reccomendation for readers.

THECHILLMAN - Out

Sorry it took so long to get to this, James.

You're working in a tone and genre that I really enjoy, so that was a big plus for me.  I think it's a bit ballsy, in a way, to write a script like this, and I'm glad that you did.  

SPOILERS PROBABLE

For me, I just don't think there was enough originality to it.  As MacDuff stated, the idea of the close knit community and the sheriff should probably be explored a little more.  The character change of the sheriff seems ridiculous...it's not foreshadowed at all, and it really threw me off.  

You follow, to an extent, the Wes Craven ideology of turning the killers into victims, using, generally speaking, a Last House on the Left kind of plotline (although you create a clearer protagonist).  Because most of the stuff that you have in this script, we've seen before, from Potato Sack type characters to unwitting cannibalism to the three brothers who murder people together, this familiar plotline fits the script well.  I think that it is the sheriff's story that can be the hook in this one.  

If he's built up as a slightly bigger character, and we have this tight-knit community, and he's kind of a sicko/maniac in his own right, that's an interesting little subplot - he'll do anything to maintain the town.  I think that should be built up a little more, and maybe beefed up especially in his confrontation of Ed.  The setup for the relationship between him and Ed is nice, but there wasn't really any payoff.

Speaking of no payoff, Sanders didn't really have much of a point.  I was expecting great things out of him during the climax, or at least for him to be a more central part of the story, as the big city cop coming to a small town, but really he just waffled around for a while and then got sawed.  I think his importance in the story could be brought up as well, making him and the sheriff more central characters (as his unique outside perspective of Grover and the community is the perfect viewpoint for the audience, who are also new to the community).  

Oh another thing I thought was that, as Lucy become the obvious protagonist late, you would benefit from showing a bigger reason for her change.  It seems like she's the TCB badass (well, as badass as you can be bound gagged and naked) from the second she wakes up.  What about this.  They wake up, and Josh is still in the room, just on his way to getting dragged to be beheaded...he puts up such a struggle that finally Potato Sack gives up and kills him in some awful way, right there on the stairs.  This gives us a chance to see Lucy become a little more jaded, and also almost see her fortitude...she's not planning on going the same way.  

Um...lesse...the splatterfest at the end was all a little mundane, I thought.  I appreciate your desire to just kill everyone, and god knows it's important to keep the blood running down the screen, but I thought the ending could have been a lot more interesting, whether that meant more unusual kills, more tension, or more of an escalation at the end.  If nothing else, it seemed a bit ridiculous that all these police with guns got killed by one guy with a saw.

I will say that this was enjoyable, and you have a knack for the tone, that's for sure.  I think that you've got a solid foundation here, but it still needs to be worked on.  Good work in accomplishing your first two drafts, and I hope I've helped a bit in getting it to where you want it to be.  

P.S. I see now that you had already worked on the character of the sheriff.  Personally, I think you need to change him more.  

Thanks for the comments, Heretic.

I do realize that originality is an issue of the script. Writing this, I was more focused on creating an original interpretation rather than concept. Nevertheless, the hook was intended to be the diner and the fact that the cannibals in the story weren't the killers but the hapless townspeople who had no idea what they were doing. After re-reading the third act, I've realized that I really don't think it works at all, especially since I don't think the sheriff can be developed enough without taking away from the girls' story or him becoming the main character himself rather than Lucy. So I've rewritten a large portion of the third act and have cut down both the sheriff and Sanders down. The majority of the third act now takes place at the diner and the two cops now serve a different purpose. This also gave me a chance to have one of the female characters overcome a "fatal flaw."

As to Lucy's character change, the idea was that she already saw Potato Sack take Josh upstairs. I didn't want to show it because I thought it'd be more effective and suspenseful to have the characters' first moments in the basement listening to Potato Sack working upstairs. She wasn't really intended to have a plan either. I thought of her expressions as more of showing how she is remaining strong and trying not to give into dispair like Spence or Kimmy. What happens upstairs is simply intended to be her immediate, instinctual reaction to what is being done to her.

I think finally I've heard enough about the final scene and am going to try to make it more suspenseful and have more of a build. Suspense is something I tried to maintain throughout the script so I'll try to work more on the events before Potato Sack comes out from the basement or even before the cops bust in. I've also been trying to think of something more interesting, original, and, well, worse than a saw, which is something I just sort of settled on.

And finally, I've decided to unmask Potato Sack to break away from that aspect of TCM or anything else in that vein. He's just Bo now.

Again, thanks for the comments. The change I've made in the script as of late has been very drastic so it probably needs to be worked on a little since it's different from what I initially had as a third act.

James,
I am reading your script. I will post my review sometime with in the next couple of days.
(p.s. I know i've been gone for a long time but this is normal, I will do this often.)

James,
I am 20 pgs. in and I am having the same problem with this, that I had with Wolf Creek, theres alot of character development, and I dont like the characters. More soon.

Just finished reading this.  I think that the story is interesting, I've seen it several times before in numerous 80's horror films.  Motel Hell as mentioned above is one.  I like the serial killer angle, I think the irony works.  The suggestion about having the documentary forcused on the victims is a good one, or another idea is to keep it focused on the killers and by the end of the movie, Lucy becomes one.
The story could be her decent into madness.
The main character should go through a slow change or character arch through the movie and as it stands now, Lucy really doesn't go through one.  
It could be an interesting story if re-worked a little bit.  
I don't like the fact that they are visiting Ed Gein's house, and then the butcher is named Ed.  That could be a bit confusing.
Also, I thought Plainsville was in Michagan or Wisconson.  Are there swamps up there?

Anyone care to give this another read? I'm thinking about writing another script and I'd like to have this at a place in which I'm satisfied before moving on.

I'll offer a review in exchange (of course).

I'll read this at some point if you wouldn't mind taking a look at a script I'm writing. It's not done yet but it should be up here soon (a month or so) so if you would agree to read that when i post it ill give this read. Heck, I'll give this a read anyway as it sounds interesting but I would appreciate your read in the future. My script is a horror of sorts although it's a lot slower paced and isn't really a gore  fest as alot of horror stuff is (more of a supernatural drama I guess). I like to think of it as something close to an M. Night Shyamalan movie or the others (if its not your style and you don't think you could read through it don't worry). Anyway, I'll get to reading your script either tonight or tomorrow and post any feedback that I have, let me know if you'd be interested in reading mine when it's up
thanks alot
_matt

Thanks, Matt.

Gothic/supernatural horror's not really my style but as long as something's written well, chances are I'll enjoy it regardless. Let me know when your script is up so I can give it a read.

I started it but my home computer was having issues, it's been doing weird stuff the past couple of days so I didn't get the chance to finish it. I'm at college now so I'll read it tomorrow as I have an open day then and I'll get feedback out to you. Sorry it's going to be later than you said
thanks
-Matt


im actually reading it through now, sorry it took me so long to get around to it, back at school now so i had classes, ill have it done by this afternoon, 10 pages in and its pretty good so far. i like the dialogue, seems to be realistic, full review coming later on
thanks

pg27 - you're missing a word "as dissapears behind the door" i think you're missing he
i dont know if this is a must or just a suggestion but i thought you were supposed to put anything in caps that you want attention drawn to, for example you have lots of sounds mixed in with your descriptions that should be drawn out in some way. If you like it the way you wrote it and no one has suggested otherwise then I guess you can ignore my suggestion. It would make your action paragraphs alot easier to read though so maybe something to consider.
pg52-ed's name is shown twice even though he's continuing to speak and nothing is in between
pg70 - spelling mistake, unless im mistaken its not supposed to be writes on the floor

okay, so those are the only mistakes i found formatting or spelling wise. As for the story, I thought that it was generally pretty good. I see that you took other peoples advice and finally focused on one character (Lucy) and it works throughout the story. However, I still didn't really get a feel as for why they were doing this stuff. You didn't really explain why Ray and Ed decided to get into this meat buisiness. It just happened. It would make a good horror movie as there were some scary moments and some good gore scenes. I still think that the plot needs a little bit of work, maybe a back story about the town, I think you said you wrote one but I don't see it included. 92 pages is short for a script as is so a few more scenes wouldn't hurt it. Overal though the script sets out to do what you said it would. The characters aren't stupid in and the messes they are in aren't of their making and like I said it could turn out as pretty scary. Work on giving the killers more of a motive though. As for the ending though, this is just a suggestion but I think you could have one more scene. I don't remember what happened to the video camera but it would be cool if the police found it and the last scene was the video filmed with Ed's speech and him saying "Hi, I'm Ed and I make burgers". That would make for a more disturbing and effective ending. The ending you have for me is just too soon. Obviously you don't have to take my suggestion but I feel it needs more of a wrap up especially since it's almost identical to an ending of a recent horror movie that come out that I know you saw.
okay, hope my comments are helpful
-Matt

Thanks for the feedback, Matt.

About the ending, most horror films of the 70s (TCM, The Last House On The Left, The Hills Have Eyes), many of which inspired this script, end abruptly (usually after the characters escape or the last bad guy is killed off). I always felt that these kinds of endings were more so satisfying than "softer" endings that kind of drag the third act out a tad too much.

And I do believe I wrote a backstory to the town. Ed explains to the cops that the town was started by Quakers and that after a while, non-Quakers, including himself moved in.

Other than that, I like your suggestion about the villain's motives. Character development wasn't my area of expertees prior to this script but I learned a lot as I went along. I may go on to further develop some of the villains later on but as of now, I'm satisfied with the script as is and, for the moment, am going to "abandon" it, if you will to move on to my third script.

Thanks again. Let me know when your script's posted and I'll be sure to give my own feedback.

I read the script. First I would like to quote a large phrase that Im not critizing but I liked.

Bo finally
shocks him with the cattle prod rendering him temporarily
incapacitated

I liked that. It reminded me of a friend. K. On with the review:

I know its a horror film but the violence was way too intense like on page 29-30. I am certinly not against gore kills, thats just a little too extreme. It reminds me of the heart eating scene in Jason Goes To Hell.


I think the killer could have had a better motive too. Its like ehhh there but not plauseable. Overall I would have liked it but it was too strong with the gore.

Hey I am really interested in reading this but it's not allowing me to open it. Why is that?

That happens from time to time, I think. Just try again.

I came back to this script recently and have submitted a new draft with a detailed backstory for the bad guys. I think it adds a lot more credibility to the story as well as suggests that there're other bad guys out there that are just as nasty but perhaps not as obvious. If anyone who's read the script would care to take a look at the scene when it's posted, that'd be great. If anyone else'd care to check out the script who hasn't, that'd be great too.

sounds interesting. I'll give this a read in the next day or so.

just finished this.

this is a grizly script, and I like that.  You put stuff in here a lot of people probably wouldn't have the balls to put in.  This was kind of like an episode of Tales from the cript I saw a few years back whith Christopher Reeve, but I liked this one more, This had the feel of TCM and The hills have eyes (I just saw that and it rocked), there is an elegant brutality to it.  I thought the story moved quite well except for some of the running in the woods scene, some of that dialog didn't work for me, it felt a little pushed.  I would just have them run and not stop to talk.

there were a few mistakes I saw in here, like on page 4 you say NONE, and I think you mean No one, unless I just read it wrong.

om page 52 you have ed say
                                              ed
                     I run a business as you know.  it's a

                                             ed
                      very good business ect. ect. ect.

I don't think it's supposed to be like that, I think you need some action between when the same person speaks.

also on page 52 (this is a good thing)  you use my favorite curse word, I'm sure you know which one it is, no one really uses it, but I love it.

on page 62 you have ed say
                                          ed
                    I think there maybe something the matter with Jeb ect. ect ect.
                    
                                         ed
                     I'm on my way!

i think Sanders was supposed to say that.

i loved the ending wich was bloody and action packed.  You kept tension all through out, which is hard to do.

all in all great job.  Last question.  Is ed gein a real serial killer, I swore I've heard of him.  

anywho, keep up the great bloody work.

Thanks for the read, Jordan. Glad you liked it. All the problems you've cited have already been fixed. I see what you're saying about the dialogue in the woods. I thought the scene at the house and the scene at the gas station could use some in between banter. I may change it, I may not though. I still think the scene has some importance other than being transitional.
And yes, Ed Gein is a real person although not technically a serial killer. He killed two people and there's some question as to whether or not he blacked out when he did it. Still, that doesn't change the impact of the things he did.

New draft is up.

I liked your story very much. I like how you have stories that involve teens, even if some aren't IQ geniuses, but it isn't a stupid slasher/zombie pic. You have a pretty good format and it is pretty original. I just think Lucy is too, wise-beyond-her-years.
Your killers are very intresting and you tell about them giving the story some psychological feel to it, like interviewing Ed. It reminded me like Devil's Rejects. Good job. You get into the story quickly but it still is a real nail-bitter, a very quick read.

This was the first script I've read on this site, and all I can say is WOW. This would make a crazy movie. I hope one day I can write a script this good. Nice job.

My first review exciting, EH!!!  

OK, now down to business. I've only read up to around the mid 30pg area, planning on fininshing later, but first just had to say these things.

You set up plenty of opportunity to deepen ur characters as well as the dramatic potential.

Judging from the first scene involving Lucy we appear to get a character that is observent hints the photography and website making her a person willing to listen and not quick to judge, so it seems at least and such a character setup would be GOLD JERRY! GOLD! (Seinfeld moment) with the character Spence whose already disliked by Kimmy and Josh. But I was as upset as Spence when Lucy took their side.

Again she's observent, she says "I'm always interested in how people work..." that line says alot. She should be the person tryin to figure Spence out not be confrontational, plus it seperates her from Kimmy and Josh, she's the main character she shouldn't following their lead. Plus it sets up a potential romance which adds drama...

And in the Car, Spence would be driving, he wants the group running on his clock, right. But how about putting him the backseat with Lucy where they have the privacy to deepen a relationship cause Spence isn't an a**hole he's passionate about something and Lucy sees this much more then the others if they see it at all...

Upfront, how about Kimmy drives and Josh shotgun disgusting Kimmy with tails of Ed Gein and cannibalism, in fact make Kimmy a vegatarian adding to the expiernce of the conversation.

So, while a light conversation happens upfront, a deeper heavier one in back. Both expanding character and adding to the dramatic potential. Even though Lucy has to take a bite out of Bo to escape, imagine Kimmy a vegitarian having to do it to escape or maybe Lucy is the vegitarian.

When Ed at the Diner asks the group about what their filming and why, when Lucy answers what Josh wants to do and what Spence wants to do is great cause it shows how she's been listenting to Spence and what he's tryin' to do, she's tryin' to understand him, maybe she goes further and agrees with Spence's point of view, maybe she puts into words what Spence couldn't. Spence takes notice to this and now Lucy's really sparked his interest in her.

It may sound like im trying o rewrite your script , im not just some ideas i had that would add dramatic setup & release and add to character which I know you guys where discussing before.


Phew that was a lot..... let me know if any of this helps or at the very least if its sounds like good ideas...

Thanks a lot, insideman_j. That's one hell of a review from a new guy if I do say so myself.

I'm glad you focused on character development in your review since I think this one could use a little more. It's there but my standards for character development are a little higher nowadays. I think you made a good point of saying that Lucy shouldn't side with Kimmy and Josh but what I was going for in that scene was Lucy trying to make Spence try to see where his friends are coming from. Now that you mention it, however, I do think Lucy could, at the same time, try to make the others see where Spence is coming from so everyone is able to understand each other. I'll try to incorporate that into another draft.

I'm not big on Lucy and Spence being in a relationship. That's something I was trying to avoid from the getgo. I do like the idea of Spence picking up on the fact that Lucy understands him at the diner and then him thinking about a potential romance while Lucy remains indifferent. I think his death would be far more tragic as a result.

I love the idea of Kimmy being a vegetarian. I think it strengthens her character a lot. Lucy has to be the one to take a bite out of Bo but I think Kimmy could take a bite out of Ray later on instead of using the knife sharpener. I think it'd make the scene much more shocking. I'll definitely be incorporating the vegetarian bit into the next draft. Ironically, I'm a vegetarian. Perhaps Freud would say that's why I write this kind of stuff.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the comments. They're a big help and I'll definitely be taking them into consideration.

dude your stuffs awesome - i actually read this one again.  i cant wait to see what "Lycanthrope" is going to be about

Thanks man. I try.

just read this and its the first i've managed to complete, which is a good thing right.  I'll start with the negatives, there aren't many i promise.  Firstly i just couldn't help but think that this was a remake of the texas chainsaw massacre.  The inbred family, meathooks, the dining room scene and also the way the girls mistakingly seek help from the gas station clerk.  I agree with an earlier post about it having a bit of a slow start and then it goes at 90mph to the end.  my only other small gripe is with the brothers Ed and Ray.  in a flashback Ray kills someone and it seems Ed is the dominent family member by staying calm and sorting it out, but later these roles seem to be reversed when Ed calls Ray from the diner.  I don't know maybe i missed something.
All in all i was impressed with this screenplay, i enjoyed it although it was a little unoriginal.  Sounds like i didn't think much of it but that would be wrong.  Your dialogue is good, this is something i struggle with the most, and your discriptions are nice and clear.  Nice gore too, i like a movie that dares to shock.
Good work and i hope one day i will manage to complete a sreenplay that i can post.

Thanks for the read, Alffy. I do agree with you about the script being unoriginal (except who said anything about the brothers being inbred?). I think I'm finally at a point where I can accept that the story is derivitive. I think I tried to write my version of how I thought a story like this should be as opposed to something completely original. I still think I have some things here that films like TCM, The Hills Have Eyes, and Raw Meat don't have such as a strong female character and a psychological backstory for the villains while still keeping them genuinely evil and not simpathetic. I also think I exploited a few things that haven't been exploited enough in the latter films and others as well. Nevertheless, it's nothing groundbreaking but I'm still quite proud of it. Thanks again for the read.

sorry James i just made an assumption that the family were inbreds, probably because of your setting/location.  Anyway i liked it, think i'll give one of your other screenplays a read, any suggestions?  I started a screenplay of my own months ago and struggling with the 2nd act so i think just completing one is an achievement in itself.

If you like, you can read House Of God, also in the horror section. I think it's my best work on the site on more levels than one. You might find similarities to another movie in it but I assure you the wheels were turning for House Of God way before this one.

Also, if you decide to post your script when it's finished, let me know and I'll check it out. I try to return the favor as much as possible.

cheers james, i will post it if i ever finish it.  i'll give your other screenplay a read when i get chance and let you know what i thought.

James, this is my first post here (ever) and this is the first script that I have read while on here. I don’t have any experience as a screenwriter and I am only a little familiar with the technique/format. However, I am presently in the process of learning...

So, even though I may not be the best person to review your script from a technical P.O.V, I do adore the horror genre and like most people (I hope), I can form an opinion and tell you if I like something or not, and then follow that with some reasons. So, here is my review for this script.

Overall Grade: 7 (out of 10)

I like to start with the good stuff and then move onto the stuff that you can improve.

Highlights: Well written, overall good use of grammar, interesting writing style, nice character voices and personalities...

My biggest criticism of this work is that there is no main character(s), which is essential to a work. I think a few of your characters have the potential to become the protagonists of that work so you basically just need to go back and decide which one. I think someone mentioned Lucy; she’d be perfect.  At the beginning it seems that Spence could be the protagonist but you kill him off so someone else has to stand out AT THE BEGINNING of the story.  Right now, most of them blend in together. Spence stands out because he is the voice of disagreement amongst the rest.  Give Lucy more lines at the beginning. Make her voice louder than the rest.  You’d also have to go back and add more dimensions to her. Make her relatable and give the audience a reason to care for her. Share more of her experiences with the audience.

If you don't choose Lucy, then go with ED. But, please change his name! That was the only part of this that made me cringe. The whole "Ed Gein" thing is too clichéd... With a name change and maybe a better opening scene (showcasing ED), this script would be greatly improved.

Other stuff: There are a few (very few, really) spelling mistakes, ie. instead of now, you have know in a place (or vice versa). Also, you have a few grammatical problems, like writing something like “He eat pizza” instead of “He eats pizza” with the “s” on the verb….I think I saw that type of error twice. Besides that, it’s pretty solid.

Dialogue: Good. I laughed during a lot of the bantering among the characters in the earlier scenes; I found their conversations to be very realistic.

Overall, I enjoyed this script a lot. I stayed up late and was exhausted, about to pass out really, and then I read this and it woke me right up. I guess, that’s a compliment, right? Good luck on your revisions. I’m sure your final draft will be splendid!

Hey DDP. Thanks for the review.

A couple people commented on the lack of a main character when I first posted this. I decided to go with Lucy in the revisions, which was my intention from the getgo. Spence wasn't at any point supposed to be the main character. He's the leader of the group when he's around but at no point is he a protagonist. I tried to beef up on Lucy's dialogue and screentime a while back and thought it did the trick. If not, what can I say? This is only my second attempt at writing a screenplay. I may come back to this at some point but as of now, this is yesterday's pizza. It's not like I've abandoned the thing, I care about all my work, but I've got other wheels turn in and outside the screenwriting world right now that I need to deal with before taking a step back.

Thanks again for the review. Sorry for the delayed response. I figured the least I could do was say thanks, seeing as you stayed up late reading this thing. Very cool of you. Let me know if/when you've got something to read so I can return the favor.

pretty good twist when Ed was one of them also, I dod not expect that. Great story by the way. Nice format in my opinion.

You read one of my scripts so I thought i would return the favor a read another one of yours.

You writing and format is perfect. The action is very tight and visual. You write good action.

Reading this script I kept thinking about other slasher movies. ED remind me of that clown dude who runs a gas station (can't remember) in that movie Rob Zombie made (House of a thousand corpses- I think, not sure.) and the saddistic torture scene in you script made me think of Wolf Creek.

Your script is just a echo of other slasher movies and does not seem to have its own voice. But keep in mind there is a huge glut in slasher movies at the cinemas right now to the point where they are all becoming a blur.

For example my wife watched the new Texas chainsaw movie last night and half way through it she complained she had already seen it. But in truth because the sequel just copy the formula of the first it is just a rehash.

I really, really enjoy reading your stuff but I just wish once you would step outside the horror formula and do something diffrent and more challenging. I want to see how far you can stretch your writing skills.

Also I agree that your script is very smart and you don't realize on the dumb teenager syndrone which is just lazy arse writing. Plus it shocked me how quickly and casually you killed off the main characters. No fuss, no drama, no glorifed death. It is just done in a very quick and mundane way. This has a big impact and is made me squirm.

I must ask it is obvious you love your horror, but do you have any interest in doing something difreent out of the boundries of horror? Just curious.    

Thanks for the read, Tonka.

I agree with everything you've said about the script. I've completely accepted the fact that Abattoir is not only my most deritive work but deritive in its own right. Regarding the plot, there is very little that hasn't been done before. I do however appreciate the fact that I made an attempt to write a smart horror film with smart, developed characters that did not rely on cheap scares and cliches. I think I succeeded in that. This is my second script I ever wrote so naturally, I was just finding my footing. Since then, I've endeavored to write horror films that are intelligent, innovative, and, most importantly, original. I also appreciate that you recognized the violence was not glorified or melodramatic. In dealing with serious subject matter, bleak tone, or people-on-people violence, I find it imperitive to show violence as it is in real life. Ugly and, more importantly, not meant to be enjoyed.

In regards to your question, I absolutely would like to step outside the horror genre. I've done so with the One Week Challenge as well as a comedy script I wrote on my own time. Currently, I'm rewriting Black Market. I'm going to focus on that for sometime however I've just begun outlining a sixth feature-length that will not be horror at all. Perhaps horrific at times but not horror. While Black Market was meant to be a transitional script in terms of genre, this one lacks what are typically recognized as horror genre conventions.

Thanks again for the read, and for bumping this one up to hot status (yes!!! ). I'll have a review of Sneaky Snatcher up within the next two weeks. I promise it won't take as long to read as the last one.

I must say, I'm inpressed! This did remind me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, but who cares? That was a very good horror series. This was actually the first script I have ever read on this sight(about a year ago), so my memory is a little hazy. I will never forget the ending though! It was so over the top and gory that you had no choice but to root for the cops to be split in half.Very good! 8 out 10

Thanks for the read, Zack. I see you did check it out mid-last year. Much appreciated.

James, first I would like to say I messenged you sometime ago ,and mentioned I enjoyed this script.  This a well written script. I enjoy the pace of it. The kills I liked . The details were nice. I give it 7/10. A good read.

Hey GoreGore. Thanks for the read. I think I remember you although several people messaged me about this one. I see you've got a script posted here yourself. I'll take a look at it tomorrow.

hey james. this was a nice little horror piece you wrote here. i loved the banter between the filmmakers at the beginning. i felt Spence was a little underused. when i was reading him... he felt like that weasel that is always in these types of movies who always ends up doing something to betray or backstab the main character. i felt like maybe it was a missed oppurtunity to create some real tension within the dynmanic of the quatret of filmmakers, which you hint at at the beginning of the story.

ive read some criticism about there not being a true LEAD CHARACTER. i personally latched onto Lucy right away. but i wouldnt worry too much about that. Ripley was the main character of Alien and she was barely in the movie until well into the second act of the film. that is considered one of the best horror films of all time.

i personally like the way you did it... cause part of the fun of these types of movies is trying to figure out who's going to live. if you have a defined main character it sort takes something away from part of the suspense.

Thanks for keeping this one going strong, SwapJack.

Spence isn't meant to be a weasel by any means, just a guy who's a little rough around the edges and takes some warming up to. I get what you're saying about Lucy and the Alien comparison. I wish I could take credit for writing the story that way but unfortunately, it wasn't intentional. Kinda cool you thought it turned out that way though.

Thanks again, dude.

Wow! This is a great script, you have a nag for slashers my friend. I totally dug it. The characters were well written and I still wanted them to die. The dialogue was a bit shady at times but hey...I don't care what anybody says, even the best writers screw up on dialogue. Overall, it was awesome. Really made me want to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre again. I have to read more your stuff now.