Quoted from Mr.Ripley I would probably suggest showing them 1 day before the accident. Doing their normal things, arguing, etc. And then, boom. Gabe

I appreciate and respect your suggestion, but I'm standing firm with where/when this story starts. I'd prefer to expand on what I've already written and further develop the characters that way. I do have some ideas for a couple of new scenes that would fit well into the time frame that this draft establishes.

Thanks again for reading and giving suggestions, Gabe. Really appreciate it.

No problem. Can’t wait to read the next draft when it’s up.

Gabe

Thanks Zack,,, I'm here..... lurking... and trying to finish my first feature horror..... that's why I'm not participating as much... too many time constraints lol....job etc...yadda yadda....
Suggestions....... I will give it another read and hopefully have some helpful suggestions.
I also liked how the kids were found..... horribly mangled.... okay yes thats not nice of course but it adds to the horror we see at the end. those nasty kid witches had a good old time with those kids on that bus before it crashed. Very original..... and horrific.....

Quoted from Kirsten Thanks Zack,,, I'm here..... lurking... and trying to finish my first feature horror..... that's why I'm not participating as much... too many time constraints lol....job etc...yadda yadda.... Suggestions....... I will give it another read and hopefully have some helpful suggestions. I also liked how the kids were found..... horribly mangled.... okay yes thats not nice of course but it adds to the horror we see at the end. those nasty kid witches had a good old time with those kids on that bus before it crashed. Very original..... and horrific.....

If you need some fresh eyes on your feature, just send me a PM.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts after a second read.

Hi Zack,

I finally found time to give this a read. Sorry it has taken so long.
I see this is an early draft.

I would agree with the others about more character development. I would also like to see how the kids interacted with each other before the accident. If the kids crave innocence souls, why not show what it does to them? Maybe show if teachers had seen things and how they reacted to them or what actually happened and how children reacted.

I would suggest streamlining the script. I would go through it and get rid of almost all of the parentheticals. If it is obvious by actions and dialogue, you don't need them. Now, if someone was in a rage and suddenly stops and maybe mutters under his breath, you could use one, otherwise they seem redundant.

There are sluglines that need work.
Pg 19 you have old gazebo in slugline as well as old gazebo in your description.
Pg 74 EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT
Earl and John walk down the secluded dirt road.

Pg 36
It's a bad one, but i's yours.

Your very first line stands alone, drawing attention to it, but you didn't show us. You told us it's a cloudy day. Picky readers may put it down because of that. They look for ways to say no. Don't give them a reason.
Could write- Thick clouds warn of an approaching storm, or something like that. ???

I was always told naming music in a script is a big no no, unless it's royalty free music that moves the story forward or music for a singer.

I came across an article:
https://worddreams.wordpress.com

"35 quick edits to improve your script's writing style in 24 hours or less."

It is helping me a lot with the rewrite of my script.

I liked The Butcher. Where did he come from?
Did Judy create it or has it been around forever?

I liked when Judy came back. Maybe have her say she is in front of him instead of telling them she is behind them.
I would look for ways to make the obvious less obvious.

Also, everyone was against the kids after the accident. What if a couple parents fought against the town, trying to change their minds,  and also trying to stop them? Maybe even became friends with Judy. Judy could use them to her advantage. They could tell her the town is after her. ???
OR maybe have us believe the kids ARE innocent, and Earl is crazy with grief... only to find out later the opposite is true???

Anyway, congrats on finishing a feature.
It's a big accomplishment.
Now for the brainstorming and rewrite.

Let me know when you are done if you want me to give it another read.

Cindy

Hey, Cindy. Thanks so much for reading my new feature! And thanks for all the awesome notes. A lot of good advice here.

I'm still standing my ground on where/when I'm starting this story, but I believe I've thought of a good way to show why the Hamilton kids did what they did and how exactly fresh souls affect them.

Happy everyone seems to like the Butcher so much. Guess that means I have to give him some more screentime in the rewrite. Don't want to overdo it though. Still wanna keep him mysterious.

Thanks again for reading!

Hey Zack,

Finally sat down to read this and I am happy I did. I was intrigued from the opening to the ending. I think this is some of your best work, and I can definitely see how you've improved as a writer.

I dug the opening, unlike the others. I thought the burning of the treehouse was a strong visual and showed not only his sadness but his anger as well.

"Sam Elwood" Love it

I loved the monologue of Judy to her kids about the wolf and the sheep.

The park playground scene was a bit hairy to read through just because of how many characters we're introduced to. Now I know how you felt with Just Murdered haha. But, after reading slowly and carefully through the screenplay, I was able to pinpoint each character and who they were.

I will agree with the others that character development is definitely something that needs to be worked on. Judy and her kids are already established in the story, so let's get some background on them as well, at the school with the kids tormenting the rest of their classmates. I know you tell through dialogue of what they have done in the past, but showing it is just as effective, if not more. Right now, they're already having fingers pointed at them and accused of some witch-like deeds, but there should be a bit more to go along with their assumption that they are indeed witches, and that can be shown by the kids at school or Judy at home interacting with passersby or people who stop by like the mailman or something.

As mentioned before, I wanted to see more explanation for the red sand. After you explained it, it makes sense, but it's gotta be more obvious. I was intrigued when she was pouring it, and then it's forgotten in the script much like how I forgot about it after it was poured. You should show John's encounter with the ghost of his wife where John crosses back over the red sand but his wife can't go beyond the perimeter of the sand.

I like the intercuts of Judy and the kids preparing for the attack that will fall upon them that night. However, what I got from your logline was more of a mystery and a "what-if" scenario where we as the audience also question whether or not the kids and Judy are witches. I think it would be fun if we are led to believe that they are normal people who COULD be witches, then it turns out they aren't (or, they are, but lead us in the opposite direction of what the end holds). I think that would be a fun psychological thriller, to make the audience question the validity of their origins and if they really are witches. But since it's you, Zack, I also expected it to be blatantly clear that they're witches and that we would see some sick deaths and action scenes. Which, we did.

The husk of Debbie when we first see it is very eerie. I would be terrified too, Guerra.

Martin's death was brutal!

Griffin's "Make me, bitch!" was perfect! And his comeuppance was well deserved, too. As pointed out, it would be nice to see more control that Griffin has over the husks and how if he dies, they die. Just to allude toward that.

Who is the Handsome Man? Is Father Davis secretly gay?

For John to be a surviving character at the end, he does disappear for quite a bit during the third act.

Hahaha damn, if you can get away with these kids dying in such horrific manners, even though they're the antagonists, then kudos.

I love that Earl didn't give Judy a chance to finish her sentence. Screw her!

The ending scene was a great last piece of action that really ends the script well with a strong, fun visual. Good job.

Overall, pretty solid script you have here. I'd love to see more character development as others had pointed out, since you have at least 10-15 more pages to work with. Give it a shot, see what you can do!

Sean

"Finally sat down to read this and I am happy I did. I was intrigued from the opening to the ending. I think this is some of your best work, and I can definitely see how you've improved as a writer."

Thank you so much. It feels so good hearing you say that. I appreciate it so much.

"I dug the opening, unlike the others. I thought the burning of the treehouse was a strong visual and showed not only his sadness but his anger as well."

Happy someone agrees with me. I'm very proud of the scenes that bookend this script.

"I loved the monologue of Judy to her kids about the wolf and the sheep"

Thank you. I also really like that sequence.

"I will agree with the others that character development is definitely something that needs to be worked on. Judy and her kids are already established in the story, so let's get some background on them as well, at the school with the kids tormenting the rest of their classmates. I know you tell through dialogue of what they have done in the past, but showing it is just as effective, if not more. Right now, they're already having fingers pointed at them and accused of some witch-like deeds, but there should be a bit more to go along with their assumption that they are indeed witches, and that can be shown by the kids at school or Judy at home interacting with passersby or people who stop by like the mailman or something."

Can't disagree with you or the others. I've got an idea for how I could get some more info on the Hamiltons that would require me to change Viola from a parent to a teacher. Viola would tell the group(maybe I'd use a flashack?) about one of her creepier encounters with the family. Need to think more on it.

"As mentioned before, I wanted to see more explanation for the red sand. After you explained it, it makes sense, but it's gotta be more obvious. I was intrigued when she was pouring it, and then it's forgotten in the script much like how I forgot about it after it was poured. You should show John's encounter with the ghost of his wife where John crosses back over the red sand but his wife can't go beyond the perimeter of the sand."

Totally agree. The rules of the red sand need to be made much more clear. It's actually quite simple. Judy has cursed the area inside the parameter of red sand. If you step into the parameter(basically the entire Hamilton property), you will be haunted by your worst fears/regrets. This needs to be developed more in the next draft.

"I like the intercuts of Judy and the kids preparing for the attack that will fall upon them that night. However, what I got from your logline was more of a mystery and a "what-if" scenario where we as the audience also question whether or not the kids and Judy are witches. I think it would be fun if we are led to believe that they are normal people who COULD be witches, then it turns out they aren't (or, they are, but lead us in the opposite direction of what the end holds). I think that would be a fun psychological thriller, to make the audience question the validity of their origins and if they really are witches. But since it's you, Zack, I also expected it to be blatantly clear that they're witches and that we would see some sick deaths and action scenes. Which, we did."

Initially, I WAS going to keep the truth about the Hamiltons a secret and really play up the mystery, but then I came up with that awesome monologue about the wolf and the sheep and I just decided to lean into the Hamiltons being the villains from the outset. Lol

"Who is the Handsome Man? Is Father Davis secretly gay?"

Yep. This is a result of the red sand and Judy's curse. Again, I need to develop this more.

"For John to be a surviving character at the end, he does disappear for quite a bit during the third act."

Originally, Sam didn't exist John died where she died. After some feedback, I realized this was a mistake and that John needed to survive. I need to clean this up and give him a more active role in the third act. Any suggestions?

"Hahaha damn, if you can get away with these kids dying in such horrific manners, even though they're the antagonists, then kudos."



"Overall, pretty solid script you have here. I'd love to see more character development as others had pointed out, since you have at least 10-15 more pages to work with. Give it a shot, see what you can do!"

Thanks again, Sean. Your opinion is very important to me. Very happy that you enjoyed this one.