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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Dead Body Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Dead Body  (currently 987 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2021, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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The Dead Body by Sean Elwood - Horror - A dead body, passed down the line from the family to a mortuary transport driver, a mortician, and a funeral director, torments those who handle him. 96 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 22nd, 2021, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for getting this up before Halloween, Don!

And future thank you to anyone who reads this. This has been an idea on the table for a while now and I finally got around to finishing it. It's the first draft, so any and all feedback is appreciated.

I struggled quite a bit to get this stretched out to 90 pages but I made it work. I'd love to know how the pacing is, and I'd especially love to know how the last story plays out. I probably struggled with that one the most.

Otherwise, stay spooked!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

Come and Find Me - Short, Drama (April 2022 OWC)
Bad Dreams - Short, Horror
Swan Song - Short, Drama (Sept 2021 OWC)
The Dead Body - Feature, Horror
Don't Go In The Shed - Short, Horror
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Kirsten
Posted: October 25th, 2021, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean, I'm continuing on with my notes on the Director and The Family. Loved the first two stories, great action, tension dialogue, twists and turns, visuals.. awesome stuff.


SPOILERS AHEAD





The Director...

I do feel like there is still too much pedo stuff being shown.

I think you can cut this scene short

ED (O.S.) (in video)
Call me Captain Eddie. Argh, matey! I be after yer booty!
Gregory GIGGLES (O.S.).
Beat.
ED (O.S.) C'mon, get in.

Stop it here and carry on from here.

Ed, eyes wide not only from force but from horror as well, continues to watch. He STRUGGLES as he attempts to break free from this invisible force, but can't move.
ED NO!!!!!
INT. LOBBY - DAY
INSERT: The clock, which reads 12:45 PM.
Ed's CRIES echo through the quiet funeral home.

I love how Ed is forced to watch the movie, great stuff.
I like the computor scene, with Hunter… good tension and action.

Okay this is too much......
“He admires Gregory stronger this time. Maybe even licks his lips...
With a small, shaky SIGH, Ed slowly begins to bend over, his gaze set on Gregory, on his LIPS...
Ed’s face grows closer to Gregory’s, eyes closing, lips ready for contact...
And he KISSES GREGORY ON THE LIPS. Kisses, for an uncomfortably long amount of time, more and more passionate, a sudden slip of the TONGUE--

Maybe just show him leaning in eyes closed…and cut to next scene.

Okay so ed was just imaging himself about to kiss Gregory. good structure/effect...

Cool, more creepies, time to freak out and leave….he escapes into the dark hallway…cool..getting tormented by the dead body some more…good action.

And then Bam…..Kissing the Dead Body in front of the family…. Devil wins! Love it... NICE.....



The Family.....

We get a good sense that the family is close to the dead body, they are sad.

We see Stacy is the devastated one…..

P 66…Good intro to the story of who the Dead body is.

P 68..Good tension between Megan and Jason trying to figure out how to tell Stevie.

It’s mentioned that Steve has watched his grandpa dying for the last 6 months but he has never met Grace the caregiver?

Cool- stupid comment by mum… more tension.

P69 Haha, Stevie’s reaction is good.

Like how you have him walking down the hall while they are talking and him seeing the figure when his mom goes out and blocks his view…atmospheric, creepy....I like that he asks if grandpa is a ghost.

P.70… Grace, the caregiver, steps in.
You can take out ‘the caregiver’ here. She is introduced as caregiver on pg.67.

P 73..Good tension between Megan and Courtney

P 74..Like her walking through the creepy halls. And that yes she did go looking for the will... and love the fireplace roaring to life and her leaving.

I want a study like that without the mirror and bear…

I love the atmosphere of the long hallways, dark wood, etc…..

76..Cool.. Stevie sees a ghost, then the lights go out…creepy

P77 Gracie and the dead body speak….. in the dark … nice and creepy. It wants Stevie…

Okay I don’t think stacie would have it in her to kill a child to have her dad back. Can she be mesmerized to do it by grace? Could you show Stacy not liking Stevie? Some kind of conflict between them? To make it more believable?

P.83…Cool grieving wife doesn’t know what’s going on around her….

P 87..haha, nicks comment

P 89,,Cool, it wasn’t Megan wanting him to go into the hidden room…… good tension….and twis, visuals

Maybe since Gracie was only possessed her body should still be in the closet very but dead looking?      

P92.. okay the dead body is coming for Stevie.

Couple of questions about the ending….sorry if I’m not getting it….

So Courtney goes back to the office to look through’ the finances because she is a greedy cow…… she stumbles across the letter that is NOT the paper/will she originally gave to Megan at the beginning?

Are we seeing Stevie in these last shots with the family? Or is he being hidden so that we all wonder if he died. Then he is revealed at the very end….if so, I feel Megan needs to act more devastated. Her crying while reading the letter is good, but maybe show her standing in the corner of the room in utter dispair while Jason and nick carry the body into the bedroom. Also being consoled by Jason when courtney comes in with the letter. Or should we assume because their father isn't alive that Stevie is? If this is the case how did Megan beat the devil? i really feel that needs to be answered.


Okay so my take on it is…..the dead body/father made a pact with the devil that he would give the devil his soul in return for fortune for him and his family….but to do that someone must be sacrificed after his death? Such as Stevie…. Did the dead body/father know this? That someone would have to be sacrificed, or has the devil lied to him?

So The father doesn’t come back to life, because Stevie isn’t killed. Stevie lives and the father doesn’t get to live forever and keep the fortune??

So the devil is now using the dead body to torment people as the body is processed for burial…I feel this is a side note to the story and there is no real reason why the devil would do this except for the fact he is the devil.
What I'm trying to get at it what is the devils motive to do this that is related to the pact the dead body had with him....and do you understand anything I'm saying right now

Anyway, love it, solid writing, great atmosphere and visuals and characters..cool concept of the body going through the process and people getting called out...





"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'

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LC  -  March 10th, 2022, 7:40pm
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Kirsten
Posted: October 25th, 2021, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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oh dam,,,,,forgot to put BIG SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Zack
Posted: October 25th, 2021, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Reading now. Really enjoying this. Review incoming.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zack
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Notes as I read...

The dialog flows great in the first segment, all the way up until Oscar falls asleep and Sam starts having a conversation with himself. Then it gets a bit clunky.

Page 11.

Sam watches for a second, then resumes
the road.

Not a fan of this description. Hard for me to visualize, even though I know what you mean.

Loving the intense conversation with The Dead Body! The dialog is back on track!

And finished with Part 1! Holy shit, I'm a super slow reader. Lol

You've got one hell of a hook here, Dude! Really creepy stuff. Curious to see how else The Dead Body interacts with other characters in the coming parts.

I'll be back to review Part 2 shortly.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 2nd, 2021, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Hey Sean, I'm continuing on with my notes on the Director and The Family. Loved the first two stories, great action, tension dialogue, twists and turns, visuals.. awesome stuff.

The Director...

I do feel like there is still too much pedo stuff being shown.

I think you can cut this scene short

ED (O.S.) (in video)
Call me Captain Eddie. Argh, matey! I be after yer booty!
Gregory GIGGLES (O.S.).
Beat.
ED (O.S.) C'mon, get in.

Stop it here and carry on from here.


I'll cut back a bit on the pedo stuff. Especially when we get to this part:


Quoted from Kirsten
Okay this is too much......
“He admires Gregory stronger this time. Maybe even licks his lips...
With a small, shaky SIGH, Ed slowly begins to bend over, his gaze set on Gregory, on his LIPS...
Ed’s face grows closer to Gregory’s, eyes closing, lips ready for contact...
And he KISSES GREGORY ON THE LIPS. Kisses, for an uncomfortably long amount of time, more and more passionate, a sudden slip of the TONGUE--

Maybe just show him leaning in eyes closed…and cut to next scene.


That does get pretty uncomfortable, but I like to push boundaries But I can see how it can definitely be bad for some people.


Quoted from Kirsten
The Family.....

It’s mentioned that Steve has watched his grandpa dying for the last 6 months but he has never met Grace the caregiver?


Good point. I'll fix this up as well.


Quoted from Kirsten
Okay I don’t think stacie would have it in her to kill a child to have her dad back. Can she be mesmerized to do it by grace? Could you show Stacy not liking Stevie? Some kind of conflict between them? To make it more believable?


This is a great idea. I have felt that Stacey does decide to try and kill Stevie a little too easily. I wanted her to be the one most devastated by her father's death and is willing to do anything to bring him back. Having the tension between she and Stevie would be good to have. Thanks.


Quoted from Kirsten
Maybe since Gracie was only possessed her body should still be in the closet very but dead looking?


Grace is actually a demon herself. A physical manifestation. This is why she is no longer in the closet because The Devil Himself never got Stevie's soul, so now she's moved on to the next poor bastard who sold his or her soul.


Quoted from Kirsten
Couple of questions about the ending….sorry if I’m not getting it….

So Courtney goes back to the office to look through’ the finances because she is a greedy cow…… she stumbles across the letter that is NOT the paper/will she originally gave to Megan at the beginning?


This is correct. It's a different paper than what she had found before. The first paper was her father's will, and the second paper is a letter that her father had written when he first sold his soul.


Quoted from Kirsten
Are we seeing Stevie in these last shots with the family? Or is he being hidden so that we all wonder if he died. Then he is revealed at the very end….if so, I feel Megan needs to act more devastated. Her crying while reading the letter is good, but maybe show her standing in the corner of the room in utter dispair while Jason and nick carry the body into the bedroom. Also being consoled by Jason when courtney comes in with the letter. Or should we assume because their father isn't alive that Stevie is? If this is the case how did Megan beat the devil? i really feel that needs to be answered.


Stevie is in the room with everyone else. Everyone is in the room to listen to the letter be read. I like the idea of Megan and Jason consoling Stevie away from everyone else, or at least from Stacey. Megan had "beaten" The Dead Body (i.e. The Devil) because Stevie was never sacrificed. Essentially it was her love, a mother's love, that protected him from The Dead Body as it floated toward them. I didn't want to show anything to build tension at the very last shot before the calm, then CUT TO BLACK and have the audience wonder what happened.

Basically, The Dead Body is harmless. It's possessed by The Devil Himself, but The Devil is only there to torment and terrorize, not to kill, either because there's not enough power (I know, it's THE DEVIL), or it'd show TOO much power. It is a demon that terrorizes and scares and gains enjoyment just from developing fear out of people. So, that is why nothing happens when Megan confronts The Dead Body herself. It is her love that protects Stevie. And since Stacey couldn't sacrifice him, and since nobody else would, they essentially "won" and The Dead Body moves along to the other people (driver, mortician, funeral director) to terrorize and torment them.



Quoted from Kirsten
Okay so my take on it is…..the dead body/father made a pact with the devil that he would give the devil his soul in return for fortune for him and his family….but to do that someone must be sacrificed after his death? Such as Stevie…. Did the dead body/father know this? That someone would have to be sacrificed, or has the devil lied to him?


You are semi-correct, as in the father made a pact with The Devil to sell his soul for ever-lasting fortune. The catch is that he would eventually develop cancer and die a slow death. Nobody would need to be sacrificed to inherit the fortune. The Devil Himself says that if the family kills Stevie then it would bring The Dead Body back to life as their normal father. Kind of an exchange, a soul for a soul. Stevie is the first son to be born in the family and so it is his soul that would bring the father back to life.


Quoted from Kirsten
So The father doesn’t come back to life, because Stevie isn’t killed. Stevie lives and the father doesn’t get to live forever and keep the fortune??


Also semi-correct, as in, the father doesn't come back to life because Stevie isn't killed. But the rest of the family are not affected when it comes to the fortune. They still get to keep it, the father has died and The Devil now has his soul, the deed has been done. But, then again, it's The Devil. Is He lying when he says that if the boy is killed that it will bring the father back to life? Who knows, maybe The Devil just wants both souls and is trying to trick the family into killing someone with false hopes that the father will come back to life.


Quoted from Kirsten
So the devil is now using the dead body to torment people as the body is processed for burial…I feel this is a side note to the story and there is no real reason why the devil would do this except for the fact he is the devil.

What I'm trying to get at it what is the devils motive to do this that is related to the pact the dead body had with him....and do you understand anything I'm saying right now


Correct. It's The Devil. He plays games and tricks on us peasant living folks. He is here to torment and terrify and break down.

Anyway, Kirsten, thanks for reading the script! And for your helpful notes! I'm happy you enjoyed the stories and their twists and turns. I'll be sure to take your comments into consideration for future rewrites, of course.

Take care, talk soon

Sean


MY WEBSITE

Come and Find Me - Short, Drama (April 2022 OWC)
Bad Dreams - Short, Horror
Swan Song - Short, Drama (Sept 2021 OWC)
The Dead Body - Feature, Horror
Don't Go In The Shed - Short, Horror
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 2nd, 2021, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Notes as I read...

The dialog flows great in the first segment, all the way up until Oscar falls asleep and Sam starts having a conversation with himself. Then it gets a bit clunky.


Are you talking about when he has his own monologue about where he moved from? I can cut back on it. I imagine it being shot with a slow zoom in on Sam while he's talking to Oscar. I could clarify a bit more with a SLOW ZOOM descriptor.


Quoted from Zack
Page 11.

Sam watches for a second, then resumes
the road.

Not a fan of this description. Hard for me to visualize, even though I know what you mean.


Noted, will change.


Quoted from Zack
Loving the intense conversation with The Dead Body! The dialog is back on track!

And finished with Part 1! Holy shit, I'm a super slow reader. Lol

You've got one hell of a hook here, Dude! Really creepy stuff. Curious to see how else The Dead Body interacts with other characters in the coming parts.

I'll be back to review Part 2 shortly.


Glad you've enjoyed the first story! It only gets more intense, scary, and messed up the further into the script you get

Look forward to future reviews from ya.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

Come and Find Me - Short, Drama (April 2022 OWC)
Bad Dreams - Short, Horror
Swan Song - Short, Drama (Sept 2021 OWC)
The Dead Body - Feature, Horror
Don't Go In The Shed - Short, Horror
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Kirsten
Posted: November 7th, 2021, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean,,

Gotta ya about gracie, I got tripped up with it saying she moved onto the next soul. thought in my mind the next person she would possess to do the devils beckoning. Obviously watch too many possession movies...duh..

gotta ya about the two letters, i went back and read the scenes with them in it and I see they are two different letters, one is just a piece of paper and the other is in an envelope....

I'll be back in a few with more duh moments......got lots on at the moment....



"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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steven8
Posted: March 10th, 2022, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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I have finished section one.  Wow!  To quote Zack:


Quoted Text
You've got one hell of a hook here, Dude


The setting and creepy atmosphere are just right.  It was right there inside of my mind and I could totally see the scene as you intended.  Totally film-able.  In some ways it reminded me of the X-Files episode where the ex-agent was reviving members of the Millennium group to create the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, only much creepier.  The conversation with the corpse gets inside the reader's head as well.  It did mine.

If the remainder of the script continues in this fashion or better, I'll be peeing myself before it's done.  It's awesome.

I'll read more this weekend.


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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LC
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Quoted from Kirsten
oh dam,,,,,forgot to put BIG SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!

You can always edit your post, Kirsten.
Did it for you, even if a bit late.


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Talldave
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Pg. 1-10

The descriptive parts of the screenplay are really enjoyable to read at this point. Very easy to digest, but also creates a good atmosphere. Through these first ten pages my biggest issue was with Oscar and Sam’s conversation. Especially in comparison to how nice the descriptions are, the conversation doesn’t sit well with me; the longer the conversation drags, the more distance I feel from the characters. Feels like words are being forced into the characters mouths versus actually speaking.

I like the setup overall, though. Enjoy the framework of the script, and am still interested in reading more at this point.

Pg 12 - The use of ellipses is very impactful in writing, but should only be used in the most vital moments. If you don’t think the reader will understand the rhythm of your script, then the lack of ellipses isn’t your problem! Most likely a lack of confidence in your writing is the problem.

Pg 10-20

For me, you’ve overused a lot of grammar tools in these pages. The ellipses, underline, exclamation points, and double hyphens are all great for sprinkling into the most important moments, but the entirety of these ten pages are so heavily weighed down that it takes me out of the script a bit. I couldn’t even get into a rhythm and trance out into the work because of how populated it was with extra punctuation.

The dialogue is a lot of back and forth of the same material, which repetition is a good tool to use when you want to draw someone’s attention to something, but I feel a bit like a hamster on a wheel. Maybe thats what you wanted? It eventually breaks away, but there’s a couple pages where nothing builds.

20-30

Wondering if the lengthy dialogue is really needed in the first parts of these pages. Your dialogue in the first five pages comes in chunky paragraphs and the descriptions in the next five are short and sweet one sentence bullet points. I see there’s some dark humor sprinkled into a lot of the dialogue, but I also feel this same edgy, semi-sarcastic view of working with the dead paired with a more heightened sense of anxiety about working with the dead is a repeat of our first two characters.

I see Derek as Sam, Faith as Oscar.

30-40

Once again, really get into the flow of your action sequences here. Was moving through pages to get to the next. Not even out of fear or anxiety, just easy to digest the material and visualize it.

My main thought:

Faith doesn’t cross me as the type to hug a man as tight as she can in this type of situation. Feels a bit forced.

Then the dialogue pops back in and it feels very on-the-nose for a horror movie.

40-50

As I get to this point my notes really don’t differ much from the ones I’ve made before. With the third act being brought in, the strengths remain the same here, good descriptions that move with ease.

I think at this point I’d be willing to change one previous thought, I have been blaming dialogue for what I think is more of a character problem. I kept saying the dialogue is clunky, but I think the characters themselves feel clunky and incomplete to me.

Especially, we have such small windows into each character, the bar is set really high to create complex characters that we care about in a really small amount of time. Right now, I feel like my interest is piqued with each new character, but that interest doesn’t carry throughout the whole act.

The story still has a really unique and interesting flow, but I feel really disconnected from the characters and events.

50-65

I feel uncomfortably oversaturated by the amount of pedophillic references in these pages. Like, it not only consumes practically every page, but it also is discussed in numerous types of references. It’s a bit thick for my blood.

This is certainly more supernatural horror than thriller at this point, but I wonder if that’s the best route? I mean, I’m a HUGE fan of psychological thrillers and hate supernatural horror, so you know where my allegiance lies.

Pg 66. Luckily I’m a sucker for mysteries, and this is probably a good spot to put one because I was losing steam.

Pg 70-End

I would point to my previous notes for this last part, characters and dialogue feel lacking depth, action moves along nicely.

Also, a note on the piece overall, feel like there is a disconnect between the story of the father who sold his soul to the devil and the evil people being tormented by the haunted dead meat suit. Would be nice to have all these stories intertwined plot/theme/structure wise,  instead of feeling like an anthology movie. There's the family story, and then there's the other stories, and there's so much bouncing around that it is tough to feel satisfied when things aren't really coming together in the end.  

Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Talldave  -  March 30th, 2022, 11:27am
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Zombie Sean
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Quoted from steven8
I have finished section one.  Wow!

The setting and creepy atmosphere are just right.  It was right there inside of my mind and I could totally see the scene as you intended.  Totally film-able.  In some ways it reminded me of the X-Files episode where the ex-agent was reviving members of the Millennium group to create the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, only much creepier.  The conversation with the corpse gets inside the reader's head as well.  It did mine.

If the remainder of the script continues in this fashion or better, I'll be peeing myself before it's done.  It's awesome.

I'll read more this weekend.


Don't know how I missed these reviews. Steven, thanks for checking out the first section of this script. I hope that the rest of it was to your liking, if you finished it. The fourth/final story needs some more work still. I might work on it this year and re-release it on Halloween.

Glad you enjoyed what you read so far. I'd love to know your thoughts of the rest!

Sean



MY WEBSITE

Come and Find Me - Short, Drama (April 2022 OWC)
Bad Dreams - Short, Horror
Swan Song - Short, Drama (Sept 2021 OWC)
The Dead Body - Feature, Horror
Don't Go In The Shed - Short, Horror
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Zombie Sean
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Quoted from Talldave
Pg. 1-10

The descriptive parts of the screenplay are really enjoyable to read at this point. Very easy to digest, but also creates a good atmosphere. Through these first ten pages my biggest issue was with Oscar and Sam’s conversation. Especially in comparison to how nice the descriptions are, the conversation doesn’t sit well with me; the longer the conversation drags, the more distance I feel from the characters. Feels like words are being forced into the characters mouths versus actually speaking.

I like the setup overall, though. Enjoy the framework of the script, and am still interested in reading more at this point.


Yeah, I wanted each story to be about 20-25 pages each and with the first story I felt like I HAD to force dialogue into the character's mouths to not only get to know them, but to extend the page count too. Wasn't sure how the rest of the stories page counts were going to be when writing the first story.


Quoted from Talldave
Pg 12 - The use of ellipses is very impactful in writing, but should only be used in the most vital moments. If you don’t think the reader will understand the rhythm of your script, then the lack of ellipses isn’t your problem! Most likely a lack of confidence in your writing is the problem.


I'm quite confident in my writing. The use of my ellipses don't follow the usual standard of ellipses in which it means for the dialogue to continue and then fade as another character talks over them. I used them to show that The Dead Body's dialogue kind of drags out. I feel it would be better, visually, in my script to use ellipses rather than haaavveee theee deeaaddd boddyyy tallllkkk likkkeee thiiisssssssssss.


Quoted from Talldave
Pg 10-20

For me, you’ve overused a lot of grammar tools in these pages. The ellipses, underline, exclamation points, and double hyphens are all great for sprinkling into the most important moments, but the entirety of these ten pages are so heavily weighed down that it takes me out of the script a bit. I couldn’t even get into a rhythm and trance out into the work because of how populated it was with extra punctuation.

The dialogue is a lot of back and forth of the same material, which repetition is a good tool to use when you want to draw someone’s attention to something, but I feel a bit like a hamster on a wheel. Maybe thats what you wanted? It eventually breaks away, but there’s a couple pages where nothing builds.


This is going to sound pompous but you're the first to comment on my writing style. Never had any issues with others reading and focusing on my style of writing as much.


Quoted from Talldave
20-30

Wondering if the lengthy dialogue is really needed in the first parts of these pages. Your dialogue in the first five pages comes in chunky paragraphs and the descriptions in the next five are short and sweet one sentence bullet points. I see there’s some dark humor sprinkled into a lot of the dialogue, but I also feel this same edgy, semi-sarcastic view of working with the dead paired with a more heightened sense of anxiety about working with the dead is a repeat of our first two characters.

I see Derek as Sam, Faith as Oscar.


That's very true. Something I could work on for sure, to help separate the characters from one another.


Quoted from Talldave
30-40

Once again, really get into the flow of your action sequences here. Was moving through pages to get to the next. Not even out of fear or anxiety, just easy to digest the material and visualize it.

My main thought:

Faith doesn’t cross me as the type to hug a man as tight as she can in this type of situation. Feels a bit forced.

Then the dialogue pops back in and it feels very on-the-nose for a horror movie.


Good to know! The action scenes in the second sequence do kind of drag on for a bit, even for me. Fortunately I have a rewrite in store and I'll most likely cut down the action chase sequence and shorten it a bit. It's supposed to be a bit of a cat-and-mouse kind of sequence. As per the dialogue, well, that's something I always need to work on.


Quoted from Talldave
40-50

As I get to this point my notes really don’t differ much from the ones I’ve made before. With the third act being brought in, the strengths remain the same here, good descriptions that move with ease.

I think at this point I’d be willing to change one previous thought, I have been blaming dialogue for what I think is more of a character problem. I kept saying the dialogue is clunky, but I think the characters themselves feel clunky and incomplete to me.

Especially, we have such small windows into each character, the bar is set really high to create complex characters that we care about in a really small amount of time. Right now, I feel like my interest is piqued with each new character, but that interest doesn’t carry throughout the whole act.

The story still has a really unique and interesting flow, but I feel really disconnected from the characters and events.


This is great to know. I definitely need to work on the characters some more and differentiate them better since each character is the main character of their own separate story.


Quoted from Talldave
50-65

I feel uncomfortably oversaturated by the amount of pedophillic references in these pages. Like, it not only consumes practically every page, but it also is discussed in numerous types of references. It’s a bit thick for my blood.

This is certainly more supernatural horror than thriller at this point, but I wonder if that’s the best route? I mean, I’m a HUGE fan of psychological thrillers and hate supernatural horror, so you know where my allegiance lies.


Will work on this too. Plan to tone it down on the pedophilia imagery.


Quoted from Talldave
Pg 66. Luckily I’m a sucker for mysteries, and this is probably a good spot to put one because I was losing steam.

Pg 70-End

I would point to my previous notes for this last part, characters and dialogue feel lacking depth, action moves along nicely.

Also, a note on the piece overall, feel like there is a disconnect between the story of the father who sold his soul to the devil and the evil people being tormented by the haunted dead meat suit. Would be nice to have all these stories intertwined plot/theme/structure wise,  instead of feeling like an anthology movie. There's the family story, and then there's the other stories, and there's so much bouncing around that it is tough to feel satisfied when things aren't really coming together in the end.  


Good thinking. It'd be great to tie the stories together better (rather than have the Dead Body be a father who sold his soul to the Devil, and the Devil comes back to haunt everyone of their pasts or their own personal demons).

Thanks for reading, your comments were definitely helpful for my next rewrite of this script. I hope to get it finished before or by Halloween this year!

Sean


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Talldave
Posted: May 11th, 2022, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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I hope I was of some help! I also hope I dont sound too much like a pompous ass in my notes. All my notes should come with the disclaimer: I might have no idea what I’m talking about LOL

I look forward to seeing the next draft!
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