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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Curiosity Killed The Cat - OWC
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  Author    Curiosity Killed The Cat - OWC  (currently 459 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Curiosity Killed The Cat by 0 - Short, Comedy - One man's love for his feline friend goes a little to far.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cam Gray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey writerooooonie,

A comedy...sheet yeh!! Did it make me laugh? Sadly not.

I learned early doors around these parts that animals are proper funny if utilised correctly, sadly the moggie here just kinda turns up fat, is used as some kind of relationship explainer and then explodes. That actually sounds kinda funny but it didn't come across on the page.

Maybe have a popping sound, eek out every bit of futility in this man's sad life, watch Peep Show and study Mark, and then apply.

The writing was clunky in parts, again a random 5th page appeared. Also, didn't get the suspense bit, may have passed me by.

Not for me but well done for pulling something together,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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A misspelling in your Logline makes for a very rough start.

Very bulky and long winded.  Look at your passages - the majority are 3 and 4 lines long.  This isn't good and makes the read a total chug...especially without dialogue.

Not funny at all so far, other than the picture of the wife with her hand on some random guy's crotch.

Yeah, uh...no.  Not funny.  A few random funny things, pisser-like things, but overall, not funny to me.  It's a sick humor going on here and some may enjoy it, but likely, not many.

Not for this Kid.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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First one of the batch to read and I kind of dug this. The cat humour and references were good and it was well written and flowed pretty well.  Was more a vignette or sketch than a complete story.

Once Gilda went arse up off the seat and conveniently hit the heater button, well, it was gonna be obvious. The scenes in the toilet were  random and it isn't obvious at first that the Pinto crashes - I had to re-read it.

The non dialogue factor was stretched a little - if there were that many people in the toilet there would be swearing and stuff. And the weather had a minor role albeit a sad one lol.

Neat little script tho and I liked it


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MGray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Wow. That's a curious one.
Guy loves his cat, gets outhouse all over him, cat explodes.
I can see the writer's potential, but this doesn't work for me.
I don't think the bathroom humor is very creative. It's just not pleasant to watch, either. Gross out is fine, but a tipped outhouse is not super creative, I think.
I would definitely like to read your material a few scripts down the road, though.
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eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Good title.

Hit the theme.

The writing was competent - but not compelling.

IMO, you chose the toughest genre. i.e., in a horror you have to make someone afraid, in a drama - feel, In a comedy - laugh, the toughest of the three.

I laughed once. here:


Quoted Text
They play a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. One Officer loses,
shakes his head and marches over to help Jason up.


And that was it.

There were opportunities. In your opening rather than having the wife and the husband exchange the bird, to me it's funnier if he blows her a kiss, she returns by flipping him the bird (i.e., contrast being a source of humor.)

Kudos for entering and choosing what at least I think is the toughest genre to pull off.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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This one didn't do it for me at all, sorry to say.

The writing isn't awful, but a lot of the action lines were awkward. And there were several scenes that seemed to need dialogue.

Unfortunately I didn't really find any of it very funny. That's a problem for a comedy. Maybe this just wasn't for me.

Good effort, though.

Zack


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Anon
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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Comedy without dialogue is very hard! Well done for attempting it. If you wanted to imrove iíd Try something a bit more inventive/different than the guy getting stuck in the toilet. That was very familiar.

But I like fat cats so I could connect with this on some level.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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The writing on this was awkward and threw me out of the story so whatever comedy and story was in there got lost. There was too much detailed actor direction e.g. he turns, he opens, he walks, he takes a swig, takes a bite, he reaches, he then stops etc. etc. etc.

It ticked all the OWC boxes for me but I struggled to get through it. Sorry, I'm sure others will like it. Well done for entering.  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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irish eyes
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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The title worked well with the story.  Should have been 'too' in the logline but no big deal.

Well you certainly captured the heat and that's what was required.

Comedy is subjective and very hard in the OWC trust me I know lol but you gave it a go.
It wasn't the funniest, it made me smile a few times but no big laughs (maybe the cat exploding) and the writing was enough to get over the line... but with comedy it's not really about the bells and whistles.


Well done for entering


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StevenClark
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This doesn't seem like too much of a serious entry here. It's a silly little story that doesn't really go anywhere. I mean, it does go somewhere, that's for sure. Anyway, just not for me, I guess. BTW, kudos for Squeeze's Cool For Cats. I love Squeeze!!

Steve


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SteveUK
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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I didnít really funny of this funny unfortunately. The writing was a bit clunky in parts (The Risky Business line being a prime example).

You did meet the ĎSummer Heatí part of the challenge, but I didnít feel much suspense. Iím guessing the cat being in the car as itís heating up was maybe supposed to be suspenseful, but at the same time it has the cooler over its head, so wouldnít that protect it from the heat somewhat?

Also, I didnít get why the cat exploded. It was in a hot car, not a microwave oven.
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Sorry, I didn't get the joke here.  I expected more cat and less poop humor.

The song title references were okay, but no director is going to pay the royalties to use them, so why include them in your script.

The rock, paper, scissors joke landed nicely and is visually funny.

You lost me with the out house business.

Then the cat explodes?  

Sad.  So sad.

I'm sure others will find this funny.  Humor is a funny thing.

Good luck in the contest.
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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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An error in your logline. Not a great first impression.

Writing seems okay for the most part, a bit long-winded in places.

Lines like - 'Even her shadow weighs ten pounds' just come across as silly to me. It might be the done thing in comedy, though. I'm not sure.

Yeah, this really isn't my cuppa tea. I don't write comedy for a reason. It's too hard. So well done for giving it a go. Others may really like this but I couldn't get into it I'm afraid.
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CameronD
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline is not a logline. It's an advertising slogan.

Nothing is driving the story here. Script just wanders.

A bit dense on the writing.

And the end? What? Kissing his dead cat's skull?

Not good beyond the 1st page. The "cat tunes" was kinda funny but the rest was just not much of a story at all. Also, no suspense.

I have a suspicion this may be a writer's 2nd script as a few did enter two correct? Not much thought on this one is my reason why. Very long for only 4 pages.


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