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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Screenplay years in the making Moderators: LC
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BSaunders
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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I have just finished the first draft of the first screenplay I've written in about three years.

It's an idea I've been pondering for even longer, I just couldn't manifest it into anything decent until now. Well, hopefully.

Logline:

Armed with the knowledge of how to pick up women, a social outcast goes to increasingly extreme lengths to win over a married woman and have her all to himself.

Would appreciate any feedback.

Cheers
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LC
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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Definitely intriguing, Brandon. He's an outcast why? Or was he previously just a recluse, awkward etc.?
Also, what are the stakes for him if he doesn't win over the married woman? Unhappily married woman? There's an obstacle there in that she's married, but why her?

I think your log needs to be a bit more compelling.
I'll check it out... And get back to you.



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BSaunders
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Definitely intriguing, Brandon. He's an outcast why? Or was he previously just a recluse, awkward etc.?
Also, what are the stakes for him if he doesn't win over the married woman? Unhappily married woman? There's an obstacle there in that she's married, but why her?

I think your log needs to be a bit more compelling.
I'll check it out... And get back to you.



Is less more though? What is the standard with loglines? Are they meant to be fairly detailed?

This has always confused me, because I read log lines on Netflix all the time and they're very breif.

You've given me a bit to think about though.

Cheers, Lib!
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LC
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Yep, less can be more, but after reading this Opus no way does that log reflect your script properly.

Your log is not bad but it's a bit bland/generic and doesn't reflect the flavour of your script or say quite enough imho.
My suggestions (emailed) might be too much, just peg it back a notch if you think so.

Here's American Psycho:

A wealthy New York City investment banking executive, Patrick Bateman, hides his alternate psychopathic ego from his co-workers and friends as he delves deeper into his violent, hedonistic fantasies.

Well, IMDb anyway.
Too much?

P.S. I think half the time Netflix logs are more like taglines. I might be wrong...

I think it needs to be reflective of genre too.
Hopefully someone else will weigh in too.



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LC  -  August 4th, 2020, 6:40am
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AlsoBen
Posted: August 5th, 2020, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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"extreme lengths" is weaselly - it doesn't tell us his role in the proceeding, just that they are "extreme". Some kind of minimalism can work with horror/thriller scripts where you want a level of mystery, but this is a comedy so we want to know why it's interesting to read/watch - what does he do exactly?  

I'm in the process of reading your script so I can offer more specifics - I think you'd need to rely more on the comedy of the fact that the pick up artist tips he get are "faulty" in some way. They "work" for some dude, but not exactly your protagonist (at least as far as I've read) because they're mostly ridiculous.

If you have more space, lend more words to describe how protag is an outcast, too.


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LC
Posted: August 5th, 2020, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Read on, Ben. You're probably at the point I was before things take a dark turn.
Crazy Stupid Love it is not.


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