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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Opinions on my log. Line, that is. Moderators: LC
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  Author    Opinions on my log. Line, that is.   (currently 303 views)
SAC
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 6:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Here’s a new one I just finished. Thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance— Steve

Tired of the bumps and bruises, a Hollywood stunt woman returns home in search of a reset, but gets more than that when she lands a job to help develop a life-changing leg brace and falls for its inventor. But a hard deadline, and a lucrative offer to return to Hollywood, threatens to upend her romance and her life


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LC
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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Steve,
Gets more than that would typically in movie-speak be:
...gets more than she bargained for.

Just saying.  
Wow! Interesting premise with the leg brace.



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SAC
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 9:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from LC
Steve,
Gets more than that would typically in movie-speak be:
...gets more than she bargained for.

That’s why I said it that way. Figured it’d be too cliche with bargained for, but I could be wrong.

Just saying.  
Wow! Interesting premise with the leg brace.

Yeah. Trying to think out of the box. It’s my understand that they don’t want the same old stuff — fashion designer, book publisher, etc. trying to give ‘em something maybe they haven’t seen before.





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Storey_Matters
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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INT. er... ACTION!

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A Hollywood stuntwoman returns home but, instead of the envisioned rest, she lands a job developing a life-changing leg brace and falls for its nerdy-but-hot inventor. However, a lucrative deal with Hollywood beckons, threatening to upend her blossoming romance.

Possibly total crap, but it was fun trying to rewrite it. I hope you don't mind.
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SAC
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 10:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from Storey_Matters
A Hollywood stuntwoman returns home but, instead of the envisioned rest, she lands a job developing a life-changing leg brace and falls for its nerdy-but-hot inventor. However, a lucrative deal with Hollywood beckons, threatening to upend her blossoming romance.

Possibly total crap, but it was fun trying to rewrite it. I hope you don't mind.


I don’t mind at all. That’s why I posted it. That said—

I freaking like your take a lot! Thanks


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Nomad
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Without knowing exactly how the stuntwoman and leg-brace aspect affect the story it sounds a lot like a typical Hallmark movie.

  • Person A is tired of their current situation in location A.
  • Person A goes to location B where they meet person B.
  • Person A falls for person B but must choose between life in location B with person B or back to their previous life in location A but with more money.
  • Insert dramatic misunderstanding near the midpoint for good measure.

Tell me why being a stuntwoman adds a new dimension to the Hallmark formula.

Or tell me how the leg-brace change things.

There has to be more of a conflict between the choice of love or money. They always choose love in the movies.
So Instead of a "lucrative offer", it needs to be the opportunity to fulfill her dream. Something she's wanted her whole life, or something she's been working toward for a long time.

I hope this helps.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Nomad
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Something like this...

Burnt out from the bumps and bruises of the business, a seasoned stuntwoman finds refuge in her hometown, but gets more than she expected when she falls for the inventor of a life-changing leg brace she's all too familiar with. But when Hollywood comes calling to have her run her own agency, she must choose between her new love or the dream she's worked for her whole life.

It starts with "burn out" which a lot of people are suffering from right now and a lot of people can relate to.
It shows a strong woman who has a the opportunity to reap the rewards of years of hard work in an industry dominated by men.
It makes me want to see her win on both fronts and I'd like to know how she pulls it off.

Damn... now I want to read this script. Get writing!

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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SAC
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 11:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
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Quoted from Nomad
Without knowing exactly how the stuntwoman and leg-brace aspect affect the story it sounds a lot like a typical Hallmark movie.

  • Person A is tired of their current situation in location A.
  • Person A goes to location B where they meet person B.
  • Person A falls for person B but must choose between life in location B with person B or back to their previous life in location A but with more money.
  • Insert dramatic misunderstanding near the midpoint for good measure.

Tell me why being a stuntwoman adds a new dimension to the Hallmark formula.

Or tell me how the leg-brace change things.

There has to be more of a conflict between the choice of love or money. They always choose love in the movies.
So Instead of a "lucrative offer", it needs to be the opportunity to fulfill her dream. Something she's wanted her whole life, or something she's been working toward for a long time.

I hope this helps.

-Jordan


You raise valid points.

Your person A, location B take is exactly what I’m aiming for.

Being a stunt woman is not a trope for these types of films (yes, it certainly is aimed at Hallmark. That’s been my thing the last few years). A stunt woman is definitely not the career choice you’ll find in your MC in Hallmark films. I actually mentioned it to a producer and he perked right up when he heard it.

The offer she receives is for a stunt coordinator position so definitely the logline should have reflected that she’s being lured back for a different, but similar, reasons. And of course more money.



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SAC
Posted: August 19th, 2022, 11:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
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3208
Posts Per Day
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Quoted from Nomad
Something like this...

Burnt out from the bumps and bruises of the business, a seasoned stuntwoman finds refuge in her hometown, but gets more than she expected when she falls for the inventor of a life-changing leg brace she's all too familiar with. But when Hollywood comes calling to have her run her own agency, she must choose between her new love or the dream she's worked for her whole life.

It starts with "burn out" which a lot of people are suffering from right now and a lot of people can relate to.
It shows a strong woman who has a the opportunity to reap the rewards of years of hard work in an industry dominated by men.
It makes me want to see her win on both fronts and I'd like to know how she pulls it off.

Damn... now I want to read this script. Get writing!

-Jordan


I like your take on the logline. In further tinkering I’ll be sure to add a few of your suggestions!

Script’s already written!


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