Ahoy,

Any feedback/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Updated log line... still revising...

After an accident leaves her child fighting for life, a desperate mother races against time to track down the one person with a rare blood type to save her, but it’ll take a miracle when she discovers it’s the town's Scrooge.

--A&R

Initially, the “worth its weight in gold” is a little vague. If the blood is magical say so! At work so I really can’t get too deep atm

Hey Steven,

Yea, we figured that line was probably a bit vague much like "Golden blood." Especially if peeps don't know what exactly it is.  Anywaz, It's an extremely rare blood type shared by only a handful of people on Earth. Less than 50. And only about 9 of them donate.  But magical, no.

Still re-working it. Thanks again - -A

How about something like this:

When a tragic accident leaves her young daughter fighting for life, a desperate mother challenges the one person with the rare blood type that can save her, the reclusive town Scrooge, to help provide a Christmas miracle.

You know I can’t resist a good Christmas challenge.

This is what came to my mind.  


An overworked and underpaid mother must convince a shrewd boss with eccentric holiday traditions to donate her rare blood type after a tragic accident gives her daughter only days to live.

Good luck!

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Hey Steven, Yea, we figured that line was probably a bit vague much like "Golden blood." Especially if peeps don't know what exactly it is.  Anywaz, It's an extremely rare blood type shared by only a handful of people on Earth. Less than 50. And only about 9 of them donate.  But magical, no. Still re-working it. Thanks again - -A

Wow. That’s super interesting. I never knew that.

Quoted from kcranford When a tragic accident leaves her young daughter fighting for life, a desperate mother challenges the one person with the rare blood type that can save her, the reclusive town Scrooge, to help provide a Christmas miracle.

Ahoy Kathy,

Luv you're re-framing of it, I could kiss you gurl...

Definitely "worth its weight in gold" line is getting canned. We're iffy on challenges too.

Thanks a bunch. -A

Quoted from Kevin_L An overworked and underpaid mother must convince a shrewd boss with eccentric holiday traditions to donate her rare blood type after a tragic accident gives her daughter only days to live.

Ahoy Kevin,

Thank you. More to think about. -A

Putting my thinking cap on and will get back to you later.
I think Kathy is close.

Quoted from SAC Wow. That’s super interesting. I never knew that.

Me neither up until four years ago. That's when we came up with the idea. To piggyback off the better half of the team - thanks for taking a look.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Ahoy Kathy, Luv you're re-framing of it, I could kiss you gurl... Definitely "worth its weight in gold" line is getting canned. We're iffy on challenges too. Thanks a bunch. -A

Aww, glad you like it. You can use it or lose it - either way, it’s my pleasure to throw out ideas.  It’s so nice to have this group to bounce ideas off of and share.

Kathy's suggested logline is terrific.
When a tragic accident leaves her young daughter fighting for life, a desperate mother challenges the one person with the rare blood type that can save her, the reclusive town Scrooge, to help provide a Christmas miracle.

Can I just make a couple of suggestions to tweak so it's even stronger - don't want to step on anyone's toes but...

Challenges could be stronger e.g I'd think about changing to 'tracks down' or 'pursues', or equivalent.

The one person - maybe change to the only person would be stronger?

I read that there's around 50 with this blood type and a network is relied upon in these circumstances so you've likely a reason in the narrative the character can't access that?
Again, probably the ticking clock.

to help provide needs to be stronger as well imho, given this is a life and death scenario. The female Scrooge is the potential Christmas Miracle but the stakes are her refusal.

a rare blood type instead of 'the' as you have two 'the' words close together.

And finish with the dilemma only to discover they can't get to the Scrooge woman, or she refuses, is leaving town etc. That they're going to need a miracle etc.

I hope I'm making sense...

Quoted Text Can I just make a couple of suggestions to tweak so it's even stronger - don't want to step on anyone's toes but...

I always thought a log was an appetite-wetter. By all means. You have the floor.

Quoted Text Challenges could be stronger e.g I'd think about changing to 'tracks down' or 'pursues', or equivalent.

We concur.

Quoted Text The one person - maybe change to the only person would be stronger?

Agree 110%

Quoted Text I read that there's around 50 with this blood type and a network is relied upon in these circumstances so you've likely a reason in the narrative the character can't access that? Again, probably the ticking clock.

Ahh, so you read up on it. Yup, it's in the script.

Quoted Text to help provide needs to be stronger as well imho, given this is a life and death scenario. The female Scrooge is the potential Christmas Miracle but the stakes are her refusal.

Absolutely.

Quoted Text a rare blood type instead of 'the' as you have two 'the' words close together.

Nice catch

Quoted Text And finish with the dilemma only to discover they can't get to the Scrooge woman, or she refuses, is leaving town etc. That they're going to need a miracle etc.

Concur

Quoted Text I hope I'm making sense...

Perfect

We appreciate you taking the time to give these a look and for the thoughtful comments. We'll definitely take them into consideration. Thank ya kindly.  -A

Reluctant Miss Scrooge sounds too much like she’s reluctant about being Miss Scrooge. Of course, I get what you’re saying here. Maybe something like…

… but it’ll take a miracle when she discovers that person is the town’s very own Scrooge?

Quoted from SAC Reluctant Miss Scrooge sounds too much like she’s reluctant about being Miss Scrooge. Of course, I get what you’re saying here. Maybe something like… … but it’ll take a miracle when she discovers that person is the town’s very own Scrooge?

Hey, Steve

Thanks for taking a second look,

Good point on the use of reluctant.  It's about clarity and brevity, so we'll let the word scrooge do the heavy lifting.

Ghost