Having some trouble with this one. The premise kind of sounds, tonally, like it has comedic undertones but it DOESNT at all - I’m going for a very dark vibe with some subtle satire, but it’s not lighthearted at all.

The premise is basically “Black Swan but in a TV writer’s room”.

The log line so far is “A naive writer goes to work in a live sketch show, only to find that the show runner is an overbearing perfectionist who enjoys pitting his team against one another in a cutthroat environment. When he begins to suspect a fellow writer is gunning for his job, he spirals into violent destructive jealousy.”

Thoughts? As always, it’s too wordy. And I need more clarity on the second act complication but I don’t know how to  do it without making it even more verbose

Hmmm.  How about something like:

A naive writer turns violent when he suspects a co-worker is gunning for his job.  

KISS principle:  Keep It Short and Simple.

I like it! I guess for me an important aspect of the satire is the work environment, the writers room itself, the high-stakes bullshit of media work etc. Any way to suggest those aspects?

OK. How about:

In a cutthroat live show environment, a naive writer turns violent when he suspects a co-worker is gunning for his job.

Still trying to tighten it up.

Hey Ben,

Your idea is interesting.  I took a shot at it.  Hopefully, it helps a little.

When a gullible writer gets drawn into the antics of an autocratic showrunner for a popular live sketch TV show,  he spirals into a jealousy-filled world of destructive behavior toward anyone who could replace him.

Thanks Kathy and Kevin!

Kathy, I think I’ll do something your last suggestion. It captured everything in the premise I felt was important.

I like both Kathy's and Kevin's

After securing his dream job on a live sketch show a naive writer finds his life spiralling (out of control) into violence when he's pitted against a narcissistic show-runner and a co-writer gunning for his job.

In the cut-throat world of showbusiness a naive writer finds his world careening out of control when after securing his dream job finds himself at the mercy of a narcissistic show-runner, and a fellow writer gunning for his job.

After securing his big break a young idealistic writer's dreams of success (making it big)turns into a nightmare when he finds himself resorting to violence in the face of toxic work culture, and a colleague gunning for his job.

Or use the Black Swan model:

A naive writer is pushed to breaking point by a narcissistic show runner who employs mind-games, and a seductive rival hell-bent on stealing his job. When his grip on reality slips and he's plunged into a waking nightmare he finds himself resorting to violence as the only option to success.

Or a combo of them maybe.