Log- "When hired guns accidentally leave a woman's head at the deer processor down in the hollow, they have to go back for it. Only the processor's owner and his help keep their guns there. Just when the chaos is about to be worked out, the shotgun-toting woman they killed comes for revenge sporting the deer head sewed onto her neck."

(I'm 30 pages into it and didn't have the logline until now. Or at least a draft of one. I thought I'd get some feedback. Is it too long? Also, I believe this contains the information in the script, if it can be shorter yet still keep the info that will be good. Do I need to expose that she will have a deer head instead of her human head or leave that as a surprise? I guess I can leave it as a surprise for the actual movie, but for the reader needing a logline, I may need to have it in the logline.)

Well this sounds bizarre, intriguing and horrific - I'm going to assume it's Horror/Supernatural?

Questions:  Is this character the vengeful spirit of the murdered woman... now with a deer head grotesquely sewn onto her neck?

How did she end up in a meat processing plant?
What do you mean by 'hollow'?

More questions might follow.
Your logline could be a lot more streamlined imho.

In order to help you, please answer these questions:

what were the hired guns doing?
what is a deer processor?
what is a hollow?
why do they have to go back for her head?
what happens if they don't go back for her head?
why was she at the deer processor down in the hollow?
Why does the processors owner keep their guns there?
what chaos needs to be worked out?
the woman comes back for revenge for what? (Getting murdered I presume?)
Does she want revenge against the hired guns? or, the processor owner?

Also, you wrote log. It's not a log, it's a logline. Log has other, varied meanings. So, use logline, not log, so people know what you're talking about.

Thanks for the feedback.

1. They're callous, they drove around spotlighting the night before after killing the woman.
2. deer processor: place you drop deer off and they make your hamburger meat or deer steak or jerky.
3. It's a bowl with mountain walls.
4. they'll get money for the head, proof of deed,
5. she was not there, the crazy hired gun guy was supposed to remove the head to take it back for proof, but he was high, plus he grew up killing frogs and cats.  He took it too far, the other guys in the morning dropped the deer off. It had her head. It was strapped on the roof with its back to driver. There was only one man at the processor when it opened, and it was still night out.
6. They keep guns there because they work all day there, if left in car or truck, they may get stolen.
7. The chaos of getting the head back from the deer processor workers who know the game warden was killed in the street by the people who want the head.

I hope this helps some.

Is this character the vengeful spirit of the murdered woman... now with a deer head grotesquely sewn onto her neck?
Yes, and it's horror supernatural.

What do you mean by 'hollow'?
It's like a bowl with mountain walls when it comes to land.

How did she end up in a meat processing plant?
It was by accident. The crazy hired gun guy, one of them, was supposed to remove the head to take it back for proof, but he was high, plus he grew up killing frogs and cats.  He took it too far, the other guys in the morning dropped the deer off. It had her head. It was strapped on the roof with its back to the driver. There was only one man at the processor when it opened, and it was still night out.

Okay, why this woman?
Hired guns usually have specific targets.

Okay, why this woman?
Hired guns usually have specific targets.

I lightly played with it being for domestic reasons but haven't really given it much thought. I may work it in, but she is already dead when it starts. It almost takes place in real-time as well. The hired guys would not know, and the deer processor folks wouldn't know, so it doesn't come up in conversation. The hired guys are from different parts of the country but may have worked together before. They just get hired on and don't make it personal. One of them could throw it out there, like "Why this woman?" But I think the answer would only be a rumor one of the other ones may have heard. The situation they find themselves in is dire, once they realize the head is not in the trunk with the body. The bodies start accumulating, with more killing to go.  

I'll come back to this tomorrow (late here) but I really think we need to know your story better to help you come up with a good logline.

She's dead already? So did they kill her or not?

That's fine that it's not personal to your hit-men characters but I think you need to give us the circumstances surrounding how she ends up dead - it's better for your story too if we as an audience know something about her. Even if it's just mistaken identity or that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The woman and the deer head and the vengeance angle is all clear and a good horror premise.

However, I'm still in the dark about your hired guys, who works in the meat processing plant, the bodies piling up etc. It's all a bit confusing to be honest.

That's fine. Thanks so far.

Maybe the logline should be shorter, so it doesn't raise so many questions, but just entices someone to read it?

How they kill her is revealed in memory glimpses.

DEER WITH HUMAN HEAD: When the deer with human head that is hanging on a joist in the processor comes to life we see just the eye blink open at first. And we see the deer's POV. The eating with the herd in the day. The laying down (bedding), the sudden sounds of a Bronco and the harsh headlights, then the gun flashes and sounds.

HUMAN WITH DEER HEAD: When the human with deer head twitches alive, while in ditch, we see the eye blink open and get a memory POV of being made to drink liquid LSD, being stabbed, then being electrocuted with a car battery and cables, also seeing the crazy killer laughing.

It has foundations in the Frankenstein story.

A storm is brewing in the beginning. The storm becomes full-blown. Lightning strikes the ditch she's in, that they dumped her in. It's after the warden came up on them while they were dumping it, and they killed him. After they leave to go back for the head, the lightning brings her back to life, the deer-headed lady. That's when we only see the eye open, and it shows some memory flashbacks of the trauma I mentioned above. We don't see the full deer head expressions until later. But we see silhouettes and eye close-ups.

I believe I see what you're saying, there needs to be something about the main character.

Half of the 4 hired gunmen are dead by page 35; the leader and the killer of the lady. The main characters that it sticks with throughout are in the deer processor. Two of them dated and after 6 months of being broken up they are thrown into this situation. They, June Bug and Shondra haven't spoken to each other until this. She's only there that day because she gave her brother a ride. There is tension between them, and by the end of it they should be closer; her brother gets shot.

So, I may rewrite the logline with them in mind, and make it their story. Which it is, I just didn't have that info in there. Adding it to that may make it more of a synopsis.

I think I'll have to trim it down to them and some of the situation.

Ahoy Kelly1800

Log- "When hired guns accidentally leave a woman's head at the deer processor down in the hollow, they have to go back for it. Only the processor's owner and his help keep their guns there. Just when the chaos is about to be worked out, the shotgun-toting woman they killed comes for revenge sporting the deer head sewed onto her neck."

Um, sounds like a dark comedy/horror. It's convoluted. What it needs is some clarity, and conciseness as Libby previously mentioned:

If anything, methinks you could lose the "down in hollow."

I dunno - just spitballin'

"When hired guns accidentally leave a woman's head at a remote processor center, they return to retrieve it, only to find themselves terrorized by the vengeful spirit of the victim – a deer head sewn onto her neck – seeking retribution against those who wronged her..."
Or

"When hired guns accidentally leave a severed head at a remote processor center, they return to retrieve it, only to find the vengeful spirit of the woman – a deer head sewn onto her neck – seeking retribution."

Just some ideas you can work off of... regardless your original log needs to be streamlined. -Andrea

Andrea's suggestion is more like it!

When hired guns accidentally leave a severed head at a remote processor center, they return to retrieve it, only to find the vengeful spirit of the woman – a deer head sewn onto her neck – seeking retribution."

I'd call it a meat-processing centre, or better yet an abattoir for more yuk factor. Actually I think in America you call them slaughterhouses - even more grotesque.

And you're right, Kelly... Your protag was missing from your logline.

Also: I'm not sure you want to specifically spell it out in words what this monstrosity is. I think probably not. The deer-head visual - your true horror angle, should be kept as a surprise imho. Be general there - confronted with an unimaginable horror etc.

Thanks for the feedback appreciate the time.

I'll take it all in when crafting another draft. As well as not mentioning the "hollow" in the logline and look into another name for "deer processor."

Plus, streamline it better with the main characters in mind.

Write the logline, something like this:

"Stranded at an abandoned meat factory after a botched hit, a motley crew of goons must fight for their lives against a vengeful woman inexplicably sporting a slain deer's head"

my brain is going to explode, what is your story about?
A screenplay needs more than a gimmick.
It needs a story, a plot, a reason for things to happen, wants and needs of the characters, stakes, objectives, goals, obstacles etc

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm getting the hint its a bit wordy without the depth of story, even a logline needs. I believe I used "Hollow" and "deer processor" at first because I wanted to tie the title into it, small community, and set the one location that has horror-like props and elements. But the term deer-processor is also probably a regional term.  Maybe "hollow" is as well. The deer head on the woman I added to set the visual aspect of the movie, it's a visual medium and of the horror genre. But like you say and others it's not necessary as much as the story aspect, especially when the logline is supposed to be one or two sentences.

So I'm taking in all of your input.

I set out asking if it was too much. Usually, I get a logline draft at the end of writing, but this is only my third feature length. So, when it hit me I wanted to get it down and get an early start getting feedback, wasn't sure if a longer one than I have done before works. It seems to raise more questions and reflect a lack of story. Which is probably also due to the way I crafted it. But that's why I needed help. And thank you all.  

Side note: I'm in Mississippi but grew up in North Alabama and lived in a place called Happy Hollow for a couple of years. There is a Happy Hollow in Mississippi as well. Hollows can be communities of their own isolated in the mountains or lower hills of the Appalachians. Where I was living did not have a town. It was a few homes including your bootlegger (makes and sells illegal alcohol). A river runs through them as well in some.  

I just realized the movie is called "Happy Hollow"

Happy? Its a woman with a deer head, its horror isnt it? Or is it happy and smiles, and fluffy bunnies?

Delete the word happy, and replace it with something thats not stupid.


Happy
Adjective▲
Opposite of experiencing a feeling of positivity, satisfaction, or enjoyment

melancholy miserable sad unhappy upset depressed troubled disappointed disturbed down melancholic morose negative sorrowful abject aggrieved anguished brokenhearted dark dejected depressive desolate despondent disconsolate discontent discontented disgruntled displeased distraught doleful dolorous downcast downhearted forlorn gloomy glum grave grieved heartbroken heartsick inconsolable joyless lachrymose malcontent malcontented mournful pained plaintive saddened serious sorry unpleased unsatisfied woebegone woeful wretched atrabilious black blue chapfallen crestfallen disaffected dispiriting distressed griefstricken grief-stricken low moody pessimistic somberUS sombreUK bawling bereaved blubbering blubbery bummed bummed out bummed-out cheerless depressing