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I wanted to read this again and so I did. The whole script is filled with meaning and intricately designed with references to male/female identity, the issue of "what" constitutes "a brain" after all.
Teamwork, as in:
>GAS The only way to survive is to stick together.
Fear, as in:
Scare the people by acting like snakes.
God perspective vs. Devil perspective, as in:
Angel seeming evil when she kills Squawky and yet, from the worm's perspective, she saved them.
Blame issues, as in:
Did the seeds kill Squawky? Or Gas' seed spew and thus the bird choked on the seeds.
Worms vs. people, as in:
The ever-loving opposing factions.
A savior from the other side, as in:
Angel, (the other side) CHANGES SIDES, has sympathy on the worms and thus truly IS an angel.
HALO WINS! Why? Because whoever is the redeemer, they change sides, take on the evil and thus turn the ever-loving wheels.
We have in this both THE FESTIVAL and THE CEREMONY.
Now what's a festival? In its extreme forms it might be the Baccahalian orgies of which Don daintily placed in our minds before the start of this whole thing.
Or, it might just be a nice big fun party with everyone keeping a lid on the Bach. But either way, it's a celebration!!! BIG PARTY!!!!
What's a CEREMONY? Ah!!!! Different animal. It's SOLEMN! There can be no frivolity. It's like an oath in many ways. Or revisiting an oath that was made in the past. And a CEREMONY, if it's like a funeral, is like a culmination and a finite thing that is accepted as END. Wedding vows, mean END to looking elsewhere for your ultimate "one" life partner. Oaths of office, mean an END to freedom from responsibility etc....
I guess a Ceremony could be anything you want, but it's a serious agreement and YOU define the boundaries and the laws thereof.
Yours is the second script I've read and I feel right now, even before reading any others that you have my heart and I will definitely recommend this script.
I feel like this one is strange because it's like a combination of writers wrote this. It's almost as though, Michael Cornetto, Mike Shelton, and Phil and Michel and myself through the method of entering others' brains at night, (but worms don't have brains ) could have written this script.
I will truly be excited to learn the author of this one.
Whoever you are, congratulations!!!!!!!!
I'm really thinkin' RENDEVOUS!!!
But if it's not you my darling, then let's just say that we have ourselves another coincidence!
It's different. I will say that for it. It didn't fit the challenge at all, but I'm not it was really meant to. The girl was horrible. Just horrible. I'm glad gas realized how to save them, but that's about it.
I'll write more like this one and post them on this site. Or... I may turn this one into a feature...and post it here. --No joke, actually I was thinking about a feature and came up with this short and maybe that's why it feels a little crammed... well, just a little though
Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate all of them.
Khamanna
Oh, Sandra, I did want Angel come off multidimensional - thanks for understranding that part. Maybe I shouldn't have
I'll write more like this one and post them on this site. Or... I may turn this one into a feature...and post it here. --No joke, actually I was thinking about a feature and came up with this short and maybe that's why it feels a little crammed... well, just a little though
Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate all of them.
Khamanna
Oh, Sandra, I did want Angel come off multidimensional - thanks for understranding that part. Maybe I shouldn't have
Happy Halloween to all! (ups... almost to all)
I felt and still feel that this is a strong script. And it's even stronger by virtue of the fact that it's an OWC. That's not a long time to work with something.
I would love to see this developed. I get Angel, but I'm weird and get a lot of things that other people don't get; so probably, by my own experience, you could be a little more explicit with her character. I say this because I feel her as existing in that symbolic/literary kind of realm that needs to translate on screen.
I have to really congratulate you because I think you did a really fine job with this. I was never bored and I did not rush through it at all. You are very talented.
This script felt like it was written to be read by a seven or eight year old.
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay. Screenplays are meant to blueprints for film (or animation in this case), but are not meant to be read as children's books. Which is how this read to me.
Original and creative with excellent formatting, but just god-awful prose. Dialogue could use a whole lot of streamlining also.
This script felt like it was written to be read by a seven or eight year old.
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay. Screenplays are meant to blueprints for film (or animation in this case), but are not meant to be read as children's books. Which is how this read to me.
Original and creative with excellent formatting, but just god-awful prose. Dialogue could use a whole lot of streamlining also.
This script felt like it was written to be read by a seven or eight year old.
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay.
-Daniel
Your comment:
Perhaps, when you are writing for children, you should write fiction instead of a screenplay.
Is way off base...
Fiction? Screenplay? You know and I know that YOU know that a screenplay can be based on reality or it can be purely fictional (but it's still based on reality after all) ...
I think you've been way too hard on this writer and haven't done anything except supplied a negative aspect. I love negative aspects when they serve a purpose, but here I feel like you've just been negative and haven't provided anything positive.
Usually I don't dismiss... I can't say upfront that I'll not agree with any of it. And like I said I'm pretty curious to hear what it is that threw you off. If it was the plot etc - I'd understand.
“A family of earthworms, MOM, DAD, GAS, CHRISTINA and ZEKE gathered for a family meeting.”
This is an awkward introduction. If the characters being introduced are relevant to the outcome of the story, there should be some brief characterization. Your descriptions should be curt and as visual as possible, invoking a sense of time, place, or mood.
Ex:
INT. PUMPKIN – DAY
Pumpkin juice leaks over the heads of a family of earthworms.
They wriggle to the core. Each one nestles into a groove.
PAPA EARTHWORM, thicker and darker than the rest, raises up. He scans his family.
PAPA Where’s Gas?
Up at a hole, peering out into the world, is GAS. The tiniest of the earthworms, and youngest in the family.
PAGE 1: DIALOGUE
In every screenplay you write there is a simple test to see if you have succeeded in creating believable dialogue for your characters. If you can open to a random page and cover up the name of the character speaking…and still know who it is, then you have created believable characterization.
Here is a quick rewrite on the page 1 dialogue.
DAD All right, first order of business is –
MOM Gosh, Charles, always so serious!
DAD They need to learn responsibility, even at Gas’ age… (looks around) Wait, where is he, she?
GAS Justa’ watchin’ lights, papa!
Etcetera, as they say.
Your descriptions should be something which can be seen on screen. And while your story concept should be something which an eighth-grader can comprehend, your prose should be lean and descriptive. It should contain quick characterizations which provide mood and build sympathy with your lead protagonists.
You dialogue should be around one to two lines, no more. I know many will disagree with me and yell at me for adhering to formula, but here’s why. When watching a movie, the audience needs to understand what is happening the first time around, they do not have the luxury that a novel affords – which is rereading passages to understand them.
If you respond well to this critique I would be happy to give you a more in-depth analysis, line-by-line and page-by-page.
This whole story felt very undeveloped, which is a quick fix with some character biographies, plot outlines, and a simple treatment.
Remember, the more work you do before you start, the less work you do in rewrites!
"This whole story felt very undeveloped, which is a quick fix with some character biographies, plot outlines, and a simple treatment"
This is one thing, "bad prose" - another. I don't want you to give me "page by page". I just wanted a few examples - haven't gotten any but a long post about "undeveloped".
You rewrote part of it, substituted my "slimy orange inside" for "Pumpkin juice leaks over the heads of a family of earthworms." --obviously I and you have very different writing style. Which is fine for me.
I'll say just this one - if I rewrite you won't find "pumpkin juice" anywhere in my story.
But thanks for your time. You got me concerned at first but now it's all gone. I'm thinking you didn't like the story and mistook a "narrative" for "descriptive".
Pages: 
Author
OWC - Halo Wins
) could have written this script.
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