The Boy Who Cried by Anita Cook - Short, Family Horror - Kevin just wants to go trick or treating, but his brother first lays down the rules.  Will he listen? - pdf, format

Well whoever wrote this one is definitely from the U.K, a lot of the phrases seemed very British.  I thought that this fit the challenge just fine, it had a bit of humor and was pretty light hearted, so good job on that.  I thought it took a bit of time to get going but it did have a good pay off in the end.  Well done!

Ooooh - left me wanting more (in a good way).  This felt like a delicious act 1 which could go in so many directions.  Great fun!  And I love the turnip.

Not bad. Bit of a slow beginning, I looked up at page 7 to see where I was at and I feel I needed to read it twice. Nice imagery throughout. The turnip instead of the pumpkin suggests the origins of Halloween and an English or Irish writer. I suppose I just wanted a little more ... definitely tackled the Halloween theme though, so good job.

Good visuals. I couldn't help but feel this was an extended setup for a one liner ending. The ending could have been more of a scare. Title gave this one away.

Gary

Definitely a UK writer   There really isn't any halloween there...more Guy Fox...

I felt the story wasn't at a festival strange things happen.  Kevin had a big bully for a brother and it left me wanting more.  I think the scary character was maybe a lot like Kevin...just grown up...maybe there could have been more story there.

Ultimately it left me flat...but I think you put in a good effort!

Morgan

Older brother, little brother - the theme never wears out and I think yours is a good take on it.

I thought, that the description of Donna is kind of long - I think you don't even need to go on about an unimportant character.

There is a typo in the last sentence. Punctuation was a bit off. It's well written, but the entry seems rushed for the instances like this.

I also wish you listed Martin and Alan's age when they first appear. Got a bit confused at first as to whose friends those were - Paul's or Kevin's.

Suspence is there - I like that.

Quoted from MBCGirl Definitely a UK writer   There really isn't any halloween there...more Guy Fox...

Guy Fawkes. Bonfire Night, which falls on Nov 5th. We do have Halloween - now more than ever, as commercialised as everything else now, but it is not a holiday (though it falls in school half term, unfortunately) nor is it a "Festival" here.

This is obviously a UK writer - I have my suspicions as to who it is as well! It was a bit of a mixed beast. It is not a horror story, it's more of a nostalgic look at childhood, and from that point of view I found it very enjoyable and very well written - but the supernatural element didn't make sense, and seemed tacked on just to enable it to fit into the OWC.

I would like to see more of an explanation as to what is supposed to be happening, or the supernatural element dropped altogether - either would be preferable to the mixed bag that the story currently consists of.

This is another script that goes nowhere. Your story starts on page 10 when the kids arrive at Plaznek's house. But whatever happens after that is a letdown. I thought Plaznek was going to do something to the kids but did not. Then suddenly Kevin just turns into a werewolf or something, which doesn't really connect with the overall story.

I mean, what are you trying to tell us? Kevin getting abused by Paul (which covers most of the script)? Kevin and pal go trick-or-treating? Kevin turning into something hideous?

You gotta sort out your story first, pal. Nice try.

Minor spoilers...

Yeah, with coding here, I felt as though nothing was happening for the first 8 pages. Finally, the Plaznek's house rolls in, but there's not enough room to get the story about him in. All we know is that he is some weirdo creep that nobody should go near. Most of the script was just Paul abusing Kevin, and Kevin and his friends talking about masks and whatnot. The clues leading up to Kevin's ending got more obvious as they were shown, but the good thing was that I thought it was puberty rather than a curse until the end, but throughout, I'd have an idea, but the puberty idea would quickly replace it--mainly because the curse idea shouldn't really be expected. And knowing that we're left off finding out that Kevin's a you-know-what, and that's it, doesn't help. This is definitely a story that should be expanded.

Sean

If anything, this was a nice little slice of UK teen life.
The story was all over the shop. Maybe the writer wasn't sure where to take it by page 8 and was thrust inot the deadline blues!!  Tell us about it...

Format was good and some nice lines.

i keep reiteranting it: this was a tough challenge, especially for us non Americans

OK, 2nd last script, so I’m going to go a bit deeper here in my review…BEWARE…BWOOOHaHa!!!!!

Odd that the title has a “period” after it.  I don’t understand why.

Way too much description of the bathroom.  Way too many sentences starting with “he” does something or another…a couple of run-ons as well early on.

Just too much description of nothing going on in the first 2 pages.  I honestly think this could be written in ½ a page and not lose anything.

The intro of the turnip is awkwardly phrased.  Could be a UK thang, I guess…not sure.

OK, 2 more pages and absolutely nothing going down here, sorry to say.  Boring setting, nothing happening.  I’d say again, that this could be written in about 1 page, tops and would be much stronger for it.

Page 5 – “a draw”?  Like in, a drawer?  Hmmm…don’t quite get that, but maybe this is a UK thang, again?  I don’t know.

I’m a bit confused with this turnip.  As far as I know, turnips are rather small, aren’t they?  Another UK thang, I suppose. OK, sorry, let’s move on.

Page 7 – “two bin liner wearing friends” – no clue…

Page 10 – A new character intro’d here?  Donna?  Hmmm, a bit late, no?

Page 11 – lots of typos here that make for a tough read…confusing read.

Page 12 – HUH?  WTF?  I don’t get it…at all.  The end…what happened?  And why?

OK, quick review…no festival whatsoever.  Family horror?  Yeah, I guess.  Donna did nothing…why intro her so late?  What happened here?

Way too much boring stuff for the first 5 pages. You missed any chance you had to draw us in and create an actual story.  As it is, there isn’t any story here at all. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t add in a festival and tell us a story.

Weak, sorry to say.  Writing not good.  Lots of mistakes, typos, grammar errors, etc.  Bottom of the heap.

1 more script to go…another in depth review…BEWARE!!!!!!!!!  AAAAYYYYYYEEEEE!!!!

Jeff, I would point out, on behalf of this writer and all of us in the UK - we do not have a Halloween "Festival"!

What is presented in this script is pretty much what happens here - no holidays, or fairs or anything like that.

It has been pointed out that a script set in Australia elsewhere on the OWC adds American elements that are out of place in that country.

So, unless you expect us to follow suit and interject foreign elements into the scripts to fit the OWC remit, then all non-US writers are  in the same boat!

By the way, for me the "boring" bits of this script were the best bits - it is the tacked on horror elements that could do with being dropped.

No offense was meant to anyone here, Niles.

First of all, my comments here were based on the writing and story on display here.  Secondly, the OWC challenge was quite clear in what it was.  Whether or not someone is culturally familiar or not doesn't matter. It is very simple to look up whateveryou awnt on the web.  If an event only takes place in a certain area, than why not just set your script in that area?

I don't think it's right for non US writers to say "it's not fair" or the like.

Don't mean to be an ass about this, but that's the way I see it.

Hey Niles,

I did not take "festival" literally too, it's more like a Halloween celebration for me. Everyone is entitled to his own terms of celbrating.

Not aiming at you, Jeff, just agreeing with Niles. It's fun to read something beside they went to a festival... though I'm not against "they went to a festival" as well. I mean a variety is better than no variety, I think.

This is definately from a British writer, I felt a bit nostalgic reading this.  I agree the horror came too late and there was too much build up for a rather quick ending.  Not bad though.

I don't want to start an argument but I've read a few scripts now that don't include a festival at all and they were set in the US.  This, I agree with Niles, is what happens in England as far as Halloween goes.  Also I think that if all the scripts were set in the US it would be rather boring, isn't it interesting to read about different nationalities take on Halloween?

Yes, it is interesting to read about all sorts of different nationalities, and how they celebrate life itself, even.

BUT...whether or not a certain area of the world celebrates something or not, isn't the issue here.  There was nothing in the challenge that said the script had to be set anywhere in particular, but it did say that it was to invlove a Halloween festival, plain and simple.

If the OWC called for a script to set on a tiny uninhabited island in the South Pacific, and you write a script based in Jamaica, we'd have the same issue as we have with alot of these OWC entries...a script that does not meet the challenge and doesn't even try to.

Whether or not a script falls into family horror is a completely different situation, as we each seem to have our own definition of what it entails (or what it doesn't entail).

For instance, IMO, Goonies is a great example of family horror (yeah, a little light on the horror side, but I think you know what I mean).  Alot of people may not realize this, but there is a lot of swearing in Goonies.  Also, a bunch of mean spirited jokes, sexual references, and even sexual sight gags.  Yet, it's all done in a very family friendly way.

I've read alot of people saying that becuase a script has swearing in it, it disqualifies it from being family friendly, which just isn't the case.  In fact, I'm aware of several mainstream PG13 movies that include the word "fuck", even, which is shocking to me.

Quoted from dreamscale BUT...whether or not a certain area of the world celebrates something or not, isn't the issue here.  There was nothing in the challenge that said the script had to be set anywhere in particular, but it did say that it was to invlove a Halloween festival, plain and simple.

Then you have no problem with this script - as it does feature a Halloween festival - albeit one celebrated in the 1990s in an English way?

If you require a script to feature an American style Festival - whatever that entails - then you are either going to require non-American writers to either pretend that we celebrate it like you, or set it in America, with all the resultant problems that could bring.

And for that matter - is Halloween celebrated in the same way in all 50 states? Given that even the American writers seem to be shying away from using a specific Festival setting, it makes me wonder - do they have Festivals in Louisiana for example, or Oregon - and what about Utah?! What do you do in Arizona?




  

Just looked up festival in the encarta dictionary:

fes�ti�val
1.  time of celebration: a day or period of celebration, often one of religious significance  
2.  program of cultural events: a program or series of performances or other cultural events, usually held at regular intervals, often in one place  

According to this first definition, any script in this OWC that is set on the day is set during a festival.

Niles, it seems like you (or we) are splitting hairs now.  I'm sorry if I upset you with this review or any of the things I've said since.

As far as I'm concerned, a festival is an event, in which people come to partake in whatever it is the festival is celebrating.  I personally don't care what any dictionary gives for a definition.  It is very clear and obvious what a festival is.

Going trick or treating is not a festival.  Going to a haunted house is not a festival.  There could be a haunted house at a festival, but the haunted house itself is not a festival.

The festival does not have to be American, but since the requirement stated "Halloween festival", then that's what it needs to be, whether or not that is set in America doesn't matter.

Halloween is celebrated the same way all over the country, for the most part.  Each area will do things their own way and will include different events and the like, but again, that's not what's important.  You can have anything you want going on, as long as it's a Halloween festival.

I don't think this discussion and back and forth should be going on in this thread, you know?

Again, sorry to ruffle any feathers.  Not my intent at all.

I am not gonna have much time to read these this week, but wanted to try and at least get through a couple.

I must say I liked this a lot. It got the time and place down to a tee, a few years earlier and this could have been one of my Halloweens.

I love the turnip, lol - Jeff, think of a turnip as a poor mans Pumpkin, this family  are obviously hard-up and a turnip is what many of us used to carve our Jack'O'lanterns from. I thought it was a nice touch.

Overall the writing was great, a pretty decent story though the ending did fall very flat for me. It really could have done with something else to explain it all better. There are a few loose ends.

But for what it was it was decent, and did meet the guidelines very well.

For what it is worth, Jeff I have to agree with the others, a Festival is a time of year, a celebration - not an event.

OK, we agree to disagree, it seems, which is fine.  But I will try 1 last time...

Renaissance Festival - A festival (place - event) in which people come to take in the sights, sounds,and eats of the Renaissance.

Fall Festival - A festival (place- event) i which people come to celebrate Fall.

Fourth of July Festival - A festival (place - event) in which people come to celebrate July 4th (in America).

Greek Festival - A festival (place - event) in which people come to enjoy all things Greek.

These are all example of actual festivals that occur all over America.  They are all held in an actual spot, in which people come from miles away to attend, meaning they are an event, in a certain place, at a certain time.

Quoted from Dreamscale Fourth of July Festival - A festival (place - event) in which people come to celebrate July 4th (in America). These are all example of actual festivals that occur all over America.  They are all held in an actual spot, in which people come from miles away to attend, meaning they are an event, in a certain place, at a certain time.

Mmmm... Now I have been in the US for two 4th of July's, the first one we stayed at home and had a BBQ and fireworks.

The second one we were in a bar.

Did I miss out on the real 4th July?  In which city is the real 4th July held?


Jeff, it is no secret that America has bastardized the English language over the years and given English words new meanings. But you probably need to concede to the English when it comes down to the English language, no? We have a Greek Festival here too, you know instead of turning up to the tents and Greek dancing we could just stay at home and eat fried batter and drink Greek beer in the garden. Would we not still be celebrating the Greek festival? Of course we would.

Murph, here’s the deal…yes, first of all us Americans are bastards indeed!

But, using your example, check this out…

So, you get a call from your bros and they say, “Dude, meet us at the Greek Festival tonight.  We’re gonna get shitfaced drinking Ouzo, eat some great Greek food, and dance with hot Greek babes.  It’ll be a blast…tons of people will be there.”

So, if you go, you guys will be at the festival, right?

But, if you say, “Sounds good, guys, but I met this smokin’ hot Greek babe yesterday and she’s coming over to my place tonight with a bottle of Ouzo, and she’s gonna teach me how to dance. So, I’m out.”

Your friends would be at the festival, but you would not be, nor would your night have anything to do with said festival.  See what I’m saying?

BTW, nah, you didn’t miss anything on your 2 July 4ths here.  You can party or celebrate any way you want to.

What say you, now?

The ending happened too fast and with no explanation to make everyone shocked about it.  I assume the old man is a werewolf, and the boy was turning into one as well?  I'd like to see more of the back story on the old man, and more of the boy's driving the old man until he 'casts his spell' or whatever, which changes the boy.  At least that's what I assume is going on.  It was the seed/beginning of a story.

No Fall Festival
Family - yes.

Quoted from Dreamscale Murph, here’s the deal…yes, first of all us Americans are bastards indeed!

Yes of course, that is exactly what I said.

Nice to see you are still a silly twat Jeff.

As always, Murph.  Not afraid to admit that.

But what do you think about my example?

Quoted from Dreamscale As always, Murph.  Not afraid to admit that. But what do you think about my example?

Your example is incorrect.

You are referring to "The" festival which implies a particular event that the person you are talking too already has knowledge of i.e. "dude, meet us at the Greek Festival tonight" you are obviously speaking to someone who knows that there is a Greek Fesitval tonight and knows where it is being held. But that does not mean that that is the only use of the word, without the "The" it becomes something else.

Halloween however is a pagan festival, festival meaning in this case a time of year to celebrate a certain thing. As in Harvest Festival. Even Christmas could be described as a festival. In the UK and Ireland the word "holiday" is used to mean the same thing as your "vacation" i.e. I am going on holiday next week. You use the word holiday however to denote a particular celebration, we might often use festival instead.

You see Jeff the English language is a wonderful thing, words have different meanings Dependant on the context in which they are used. I think that most people seemed to have understood that a Halloween Festival is effectively the last day in October when kids dress up and go trick or treating, young adults get dressed up and get wasted and old people get their houses egged and cats set on fire.

From Wikipedia..

Quoted Text Halloween (also spelled Hallowe'en) is an annual holiday celebrated on October 31. It has roots in the Gaelic festival of Samhain and the Christian holy day of All Saints. It is largely a secular celebration but some have expressed strong feelings about perceived religious overtones. Irish immigrants carried versions of the tradition to North America during Ireland's Great Famine of the 1840s.

We say Tomarto, you say Tomayto etc.. etc..

Sorry mate, you are wrong. Get over it and stop making such a big deal of it.

I'm not really all too comfortable trying to explain the ending of this...but it was interesting for it's slice of British life feel. I don't really get the impression that there is all that much of a story here but it does seem to meet the requirements.

I definitely think the Trick or Treating does qualify as part of the festival.

And I liked the Turnip (as long as I don't have to eat it).

Good job.

***OO

This was quite a strange read for me.

While the boys were nicely crafted, and I enjoyed the big brother / little brother conflict and tension, based on the criteria for this challenge, the story clearly swerved off the road and didn't get back on track until page 12. By then, I was uninvolved.

The pay-off: the kid is becoming a Werewolf, huh? Sorry, this one left me on the porch.

On the positive side, I enjoyed your description of the bathroom setting in the beginning. I thought it was well done as well were some of the other descriptions even if I didn't get them because they were foreign to me.

Unfortunately this script is very weak in terms of story and character. The first incident with Kevin getting slammed in the leg by Paul is good because it shows they don't get along, but we never find out why Paul is this way to his little brother.

In the second scene, we're inside of an unknown kitchen where two characters, Martin and Alan are introduced. Kevin turns up here as does Paul. I wasn't sure of whose house we were in.

There was a whole lot of boring dialogue that was revealing zero in terms of character.

Here:

>Martin and Alan’s eye’s widen at the sight of Kevin’s
outfit.

MARTIN
That’s class.

ALAN
Yeah, cowabunga!

Martin and Kevin stare at Alan, who embarrassingly looks to
the floor.

MARTIN
You got a mask too?

Kevin rubs the last moisture from his eyes and shakes his
head.

MARTIN
We’ve got ours.

Martin grabs his mask from the work top and proudly holds
it out. It’s a green Frankenstein mask.

KEVIN
Cool.

MARTIN
Yeah, it’s Frankenstein. Show
him yours Al.

Alan reluctantly holds up a children’s Count Duckula mask.

Kevin’s cheek twitches and slowly a smile beams across his
face.

KEVIN

What’s that?
He laughs, Martin joins in the hilarity.

ALAN
My Mam got me it.

KEVIN
That’s the funniest thing I’ve
ever seen.

Alan sighs and twangs the elastic strap in frustration.

Kevin scratches the back of his hand.

Paul enters, his hair stands on end and glistens under the
naked light bulb.

The laughter dies.

PAUL
Hello girls, going Halloweening
are we?

MARTIN
No.

Paul looks at them.

PAUL
Then why you wearing a bin bag?

Martin looks away.

KEVIN
You know we are, so why ask?

Paul opens the fridge and takes out a pint bottle of milk.

He pushes the foil top aside and gulps down a mouthful.

**We need to go through a lot of what feels pointless to get to
where we find out about the man, Plazneck.

Below, is where we are finally "somewhere" meaningful to what
this story is supposed to be about:

>PAUL
I was just gonna say, remember
not to go to...

He deepens his voice.

PAUL
...scary Plazneks house,
muhahaha.

**My suggestion is to consider that every word you put on the page should
count for something and correlate in every department otherwise it
just doesn't feel right.

I really don't know why Martin and Alan exist in this script. Seems we would do
well with just the two brothers since M & A wind up just taking over later on with needless dialogue and spoil the good thing you had going in the beginning.

We get a person named Donna showing up out-of-the-blue at the end of the script. And at this point, I'm wondering about "who" this story was supposed to be about. You didn't clearly define a protagonist really. Well, I'm wrong actually because you did in the sense this story clearly started with Kevin, but then you got distracted trying to write dialogue, but you weren't considering the connection and meaning of the dialogue as it related to the story and characters.

The last line in the script:

>Kevin’s face his covered in hair.

Has a typo which accentuates some lack of care.

I feel the writer tried very hard in the beginning, but then succumbed to what we all fall victim to sometimes. We lose our vision and connection with the meaning of what and why we are writing. When this happens, we create stories with plot, but no character, dialogue without substance, and descriptions with the black stuff that might even be vivid, but ultimately are empty of meaning within the context of the whole.

A very solid effort, I think, for this person's skill level. Keep working.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra A very solid effort, I think, for this person's skill level.

Oh man, that line has made me feel inadequate lol.

Cheers for the pointers Sandra.  I did rush the ending as I wasn't going to make the deadline and I really wanted to post something as I've failed to complete anything for last few OWC's.  I guess I should have just bit the bullet and canned this lol.

Thanks to everyone who read this.

I was a little shocked by that comment also, and DO NOT think it applies at all.

As a matter of fact, I don't think this kind of comment even applies, period.  Basing one's skills and abilities off of 1 rushed script doesn't fly.

I wouldn't take this personally at all, and hopefully Sandra will explain this remark.

Well, I put it in my top 3 anyway, Alffy, because, despite the problem with the ending, I really liked it and felt it was an evocative picture of a UK childhood.

Do you have any plans to rework it after the OWC? Dropping the Werewolf aspect, you could develop an interesting story of a concentration camp survivor's encounter with a young boy at Halloween - point up the difference between the fake horror of the festival and the real horrors of man.

This was a solid effort. A little more heavy than a few of the others in terms of Kevin's relationship with his brother but still grounded in family territory. I liked the whole mystery behind the father and the union between him and his son. I wouldn't say the ending is rushed, per se, but I went along with this the whole time anticipating an explanation for Kevin's condition. It was never met but seemed like it would be explained based on the father's welcoming hand. Disappointing. Still, a pretty clever take on the werewolf mythos. Overall, a good effort. I enjoyed it a lot.

Cheers for the consoling words Jeff lol.

Niles/Simon, sorry I'm never sure which to use, I might redo this and drop the werewolf part.  I think I could develop it into a decent family drama...given time and a bit of effort.

James, cheers for the read and also that you didn't hate it lol.  No really, thanks.  I just ran out of time and pages to really achieve what I wanted to.