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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Vampire Affair - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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  Author    The Vampire Affair - OWC  (currently 511 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Vampire Affair by Anonymous3 - Short, Horror, Psychological - Suspicions that his brother's new girlfriend is evil are clarified on Halloween night.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi

Logline - ok,  gives a direction to the film, but lacks a bit of irony. the question I am left with is whether anything will now be a surprise. lets see...

some dialogue feels a touch on the nose re brother - admittedly it can be tricky to handle when they're not in the scene

real Brian and video Brian - one of those times you have to concentrate on whats happening and where

Marty's words - I would probably put in character and dialogue for that with description within the parentheticals

finished

a fair effort.

I quite liked the found phone - it is a believable thing after a party and could provide a catalyst to the story

the movement between screen to room next door, to angry Val to emergency room, worked, but to a degree felt heavy. I suppose I could buy her manipulation but the production of another Brian, I wasn't so sure about.

nicely contained and should be easy to film




My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Starts out with a LOT of exposition we don't even really need.

I liked the found phone and how the home screen turns into a video. My only thought there was, why doesn't anyone in movies every use a passcode for their phones? Everyone I know have their phones protected with one.

When he woke up in the hospital I felt a bit of the dreaded, it was all just a dream. It wasn't, but could perhaps be treated differently to lessen that disappointment.

I've only read two so far, so I feel confident to say it's the best one I've read thus far.  


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JEStaats
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty extensive and OTN dialogue going on here to start. Could be trimmed back just a bit to get a better banter.

I thought for sure that either Val or Brian were going to say that the black jello shots looked like deer droppings! That was your chance to sneak that in.

Somewhere around page six, it got a little action heavy but not enough to make me lose interest.

Great ending. No complaints. Overall, very good work.
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RolandJ
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 3:12am Report to Moderator
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Ok. We knew right off the bat that Jen would somehow appear as the evil one.

But the found phone was the key element that drove the story for me. Switching back and forth between found footage and observers could be written with a little more skill.

But the story certainly works, meets the horror challenge, and ends in the hospital with a foretelling of Brian's nightmarish future.

This writer should keep writing and working on upgrading his/her writing skills, because there's a storyteller waiting to emerge.
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eldave1
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Okay - I liked this - pretty solid effort for a week. Other than --

The exposition dialogue in the opening few pages - it was really OTN.

One of my favs - good job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Anon
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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People that know the difference between good shit and bad shit know this is good shit.

Gripes have already been mentioned but this has something most donít. A STORY THAT WORKS. A beginning middle and end.  A bit confusing and the dream thing is always questionable but this is imaginative and well done.
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khamanna
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Woa, the first couple of pages were kind of weak and I thought that no good job would come out of this. I'm happy I continues reading. From the middle downwards it turned into a fast-paced thriller and the double twist at the end felt very exciting.
I normally don't like the entries with characters not fully developped and I think this one is one of them but I liked this one very much despite that. Great job!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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This is a pretty short one. Here we go. To speed things up, I won't worry too much about the technical.

Is licorice really that bad? I love licorice.

"cus" should be "'cause."


Quoted Text
He had an affair, Brian.


A vampire affair?


Quoted Text
He looks at Marty who
is just kinda appears to be a bit zoned out.


I love that Twilight Zone twist ending. This was wonderfully written. Superb. Congrats on entering.


FADE IN:
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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm... I skimmed all the glowing reviews...

Uh, don't pop the bubbly just yet, mister/ma'am.

As I go... to be honest, my reaction to this was "Lord have mercy, not another vampire script!" I like this so far. Reads smooth. It's hard to find stuff to nick pick. But I'll give it a shot.

To quote Larry David, "pretty good, prettay, prettay, pretty good."

My one substantive comment is that you might get mugged in the coming days... leave your valuables at home.

I hope this doesn't sound like lame feedback, but all I've got to say is I liked it, especially the visuals.  Good work. -Andrea



"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Note to anyone reading. When women dress for Halloween, does it always have to be sexy? Every costume is a sexy something-or-other. Can't costumes be, I dunno... *picks random adjective from thin air*... scary?

Opening dialogue is a little dull

The video starts and ends creepy - nicely done.

Alright, this was pretty good. The writing is great so you clearly know what you are doing.

I just commented on another script that did a similar twist of bringing it back to normality only to snap it back to the paranormal. Only this one is done a lot better.

I don't really have anything helpful to say, only that, I would expect this one to be up there amongst the top scorers.


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StevenClark
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

My only issue with this one is it ended too abruptly. Other than that, it met all the requirements. Though it wasn't really scary, it did have some shocking moments in it, and a jump scare or two that would play well on film. Overall, I liked this one. Nice entry.

Steve


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Zack
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hmm, not sure about this one. The writing is actually very good, though the story itself was a bit confusing. Had to re-read a few pages a couple of times.

Most of the dialog is good, but some is a little on the nose.

The end is cool. I would have liked this more if it weren't so confusing. This might just be me, though. I'm stupid. May end up coming back to this one...





Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  October 15th, 2019, 7:00pm
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely up there on my list, not the best I've read so far, but one of the good ones, I I'm not one for vampires stories.

Like the idea with the photo on the phone turning into a  video.

Writing is good and liked the ending





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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Logline is not good at all.  You say "his", but we have no idea who that may be.  Also, doesn't this give quite a bit away?  Let's find out...

Title Page - Fine and dandy.

No FADE IN.

Opening Slug is about as generic as it can get, and hopefully, the entire script takes place inside whatever this place is - but we don't even know, so does that make it miss the parameters of the challenge?

We've got major issues right away, in terms of your Slugs...or lack of them.  You moved to teh LIVING ROOM with a Mini Slug and never returned to the kitchen, where Val is.

OK, now we come back into the kitchen without a Slug again.  Very poor.

Dialogue continues to be very OTN and just poor all around.

"A WOMAN SCREAMS (OS)" - incorrect again.

"of"- "off"

Page 3 - another change in scene, and again, no Slug.

Slug use is absolutely awful.  You also need INSERTS for the phone screen thing.

Who is Marty?

The reveal that the man on the phone is Brian is not handled well.  At first, I didn't even know it's supposed to be the same guy watching.  The "video Brian" thing is lame and there's no reason for it.

Page 5 - more Slug issues.  Why aren't you changing the scene with new Slugs?  This is terrible.

The end.  A complete and utter mess.  Reading back over the reviews, I seriously have to wonder if I read the same script everyone else did?  I mean, in all seriousness, you must have missed at least 7 or 8 Slugs.  The dialogue was terrible.  The action not handled well at all, and the ending a complete let down.

*




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ReneC
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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I really like the use of the cell phone. Great use of it for this story. The early exposition was heavy and largely unnecessary, it could have been delivered better. Once the cell phone enters the scene though, it kicks into high gear.

The opening a door to enter another living room was confusing, but visually it would look good, so it's fine. The ending is fine too, for the most part. Where I think this can be improved is in the story beats. They repeat themselves.

Val sees the video, believes he's cheated on her. Jen has won a victory. Then it back pedals a bit and Jen confronts him with the phone accusing him of planning to leave her. Now I get that you're playing with words, that that's what he's hallucinating and what she's really saying is "you're not going to leave me," but it's a step down from the previous high tension point before the tension is defused by his lucidity. It's a small mis-step, but it wrecks the effectiveness of that lucidity.

A rewrite to tighten it up and this could be filmed as a great little horror short. Nicely done.


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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Evil entities of the supernatural persuasion have perverted high-tech to further their demonic ends?! Nice. However, I donít understand why Val is so quick to believe what she sees on the phone. Everyone knows about video manipulation. And wouldnít a womanís first inclination be to disbelieve such a thing about the man she loves? Unless, of course, heís strayed before.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 19th, 2019, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't have time to read many till now... just wanted to say I thought this was amazing. Maybe you could do the beginning with a bit less exposition but there was a lot to set up in a short window so it's understandable. The video thing was really tense, so well done how you kept shifting it around through these various disoriented states. And I loved the ending. I loved everything!


That rug really tied the room together.
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