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logline - reminds of the type that would be on a poster, which isn't and outcome. doesn't tell me much more but then again this is an OWC
title - also has me interested as it's somewhat different
victorian mansion - is that an ordinary suburban house?
just saying the first dialogue slightly confused me as to what, where and who Jim was
curious as to why they have to leave the house for weather?
I would also turn off the CONTD for dialogue
20 hertz - never knew that
'At top of the stairs, Tony flicks up the light switch by the door and light bulb in room FLARES brightly before exploding, and he catches a glimpse of SHADOWY THINGS fleeing the light' - could do with a polish
keeping track of all the rooms, to basement, to foyer etc takes focus!
I like the twin dangers element, although the tornado perhaps could have been foreshadowed
who was Mandy? and why did he know her? did I miss something?
overall - there are parts I like and others I would suggest need some attention. I feel there was too many rooms, too much confusion as to what they were doing, and why they were leaving etc
the caught in a storm whilst being attacked by something else, is strong and adds tension.
the Mandy thing needed to be weaved in more for us to understand etc
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
STELLA I just ran through something cold. Freezing!
TONY That sucks.
I found that funny. And this "The fear down here is...so bad.... "
Did they mention Mandy previously? Otherwise, why give her a name. Just say an apparition or ghost since we wouldn't know her name.
So I take it that some friends take turns having the annual Halloween Party and this couple arranged to have theirs in this Victorian Mansion. Were they trying to raise a ghost or two? Or was it just a side effect of their subwoofer?
Nice little tale. Needs some work and clarity, but overall a decent work.
In the heart of the Blackness erupts a RAGING INFERNO. And in the middle of the fire is a teenage girl: MANDY Her body is streaked with writhing veins of molten fire and charred flesh; and her face sloughs of, revealing blackening muscles beneath; and the lipless mouth is open in a perpetual scream of agony; and her lidless eyes are pitiless smoking holes
Who is Mandy and what is her relation to Stella & Tony?
Okay, so this couple use vacant or abandoned homes to stage their Halloween parties competitively? There's some really nice imagery on show here but on first read I'm having a bit of trouble reconciling your fear induced sound frequency idea with the sudden appearance of Mandy and her relationship with Tony- presumably they've unwittingly summoned the ghosts of this particular manor.
An idea worth developing. The tornado? I'd just mention violent gusts of wind. Tony's 'that sucks' comment also made me chuckle and gives the overall characterisation more oomph. Overall, a bit unfocused. Best to make the ghosts more generic and without names - unless I'm completely missing a finer plot point.
That was a really good story and the writing was crisp and easy to follow, I really enjoyed this one. There are a few typos, missing words. (pg.5 dashing across yard should be dashing across the yard) nothing that broke the bank though.
But overall an excellent effort, I wish we had a backstory for Mandy, her coming out of no where was a bit jolting and I was almost set-up to believe this was some sort of hallucination caused by the infrasound (maybe thatís the point) but couldíve used some context.
Overall a real solid effort and a good story with good tension especially with the addition of the tornado. Good job.
Liked the addition of the tornado. Just an idea, but perhaps Tony and Stella see the tornado before it hits the house. Maybe in a flash of lightening they see it or the thin beginnings of the tornado forming.
Wish we knew more about Mandy and how Tony knew her. Unless I missed something in the script.
Okay, I apologise if iíve Missed something here. I know itís frustrating because people have missed stuff I thought obvious in mine. Thatís the problem with writing something and not putting a second pair of eyes on it. But it seems to me you have a good concept here which is thus -
Thereís something terrible in the basement but itís the only safe place because of a tornado coming. Thatís a simple premise with enough conflict for a short. But the whole concept you set up - about sound - doesnít really have much to do with anything.
Again apologies if I missed something. The writing was good. I just think there was two concepts at play and for a short, one would be better.
I don't know where they live that a Victorian home can even exist if tornadoes can occur, or maybe that's part of the supernatural element. A tornado certainly ramps up the tension, and the destruction is impressive. I don't know why the basement isn't safe, did they leave the frequency running? Is that why Stella says the fear is so bad down there? And wouldn't they have been affected by it as much as their guests during the party?
All the techno-babble seemed to undermine the tension, but I liked that for all their technical mastery of fear it had nothing to do with the actual horror coming. It seemed very random though, the tornado, the fire god Mandy...that was very confusing. No set up at all for it. Which is too bad, any sort of connection would have made this a pretty great story. Coming out of nowhere, it's just nonsense.
No dog in this fight. Well, we said we'd provide notes to every script, and I did push this one down the pecking order. But I don't have much to add. Nice visceral style. Nice action description. Nice use of sound effects.
So, the only thingóand I'm not the first to mention thisóis who is Mandy? This is where you lost me. The good news is it's not unsalvageable, but I feel you need to think this through a bit more. Is she their daughter?
Anyways, them's my thoughts, yippee-ay-yay and good luck with it. -Andrea
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
When writing one-liner jokes - Tim Vine recommends not using the same word twice as it loses it's punch - the same goes for loglines. The double past. Should've ended with "...aren't content to remain there"... But I'm assuming you don't give a hoot about the logline so I'll move on...
Woohoo, We are not in a suburban home lol praise the lord!
Why are a lot of these starting with waving the guests goodbye? I get the parameters but you can show we are in the aftermath of a party without literally seeing people leave - makes it seem a lot of these start too soon.
are you allergic to the word "the"?
At top of the stairs, Tony flicks up the light switch by the door and light bulb in room FLARES brightly before exploding, and he catches a glimpse of SHADOWY THINGS fleeing the light.
The LIGHT GOES OUT in one of the bedrooms and camera automatically switches to night-vision mode: a door from another room slowly opens...and an AMORPHOUS BLACK FORM emerges.
More good imagery and building the tension for the viewer with the character unaware.
The tornado combined with the paranormal stuff has really intensified this story, I can feel their panic and I feel like I am in this dire situation with them... no other script has me feeling so, so well done. But colour me surprised, the Victorian house had me in England, where there are no tornadoes (Well, we had one a few years back but all it did was knock off a few roof tiles - certainly no warning siren)
Mandy, scary name, Who is she?... oh Tony recognizes her, I don't.
I think you missed some vital information from the story...like who the hell is Mandy? why does Tony know her and want to hug a burning lady?
The story was great, fantastic visuals and I felt dread for their situation... but then it fizzled into confusion and ultimately a disappointment.
Let us know who Many his. Her relationship with Tony. And not only why this is happening, but why now And then you are on to something (not something cheap, mind, but something)
Whoa. I think you ended up with a much bigger idea that couldn't be relayed in a short. That's certainly not a bad problem.
3 pages of dialog about technical type stuff...too much. And some were details we really didn't need. They just didn't add anything. I'd dumb down the technical stuff. Then the pace picked up. I liked the combo of supernatural stuff happening alongside a bad storm.
Mandy? Had to go back and reread...thought I missed something. Who the heck is Mandy? Sure seems like they knew her but the whole time I was under the impression this wasn't even their house.