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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Frequency of Fear - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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  Author    The Frequency of Fear - OWC  (currently 408 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Frequency of Fear by S. Le Fanu II - Short, Horror, Supernatural - Some ghosts from the past aren't content to remain in the past. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 12th, 2019, 9:48am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Hello S le F

logline - reminds of the type that would be on a poster, which isn't and outcome. doesn't tell me much more but then again this is an OWC

title - also has me interested as it's somewhat different

victorian mansion - is that an ordinary suburban house?

just saying the first dialogue slightly confused me as to what, where and who Jim was

curious as to why they have to leave the house for weather?

I would also turn off the CONTD for dialogue

20 hertz - never knew that

'At top of the stairs, Tony flicks up the light switch by the door and light bulb in room FLARES brightly before exploding, and he catches a glimpse of SHADOWY THINGS fleeing the light' - could do with a polish

keeping track of all the rooms, to basement, to foyer etc takes focus!

I like the twin dangers element, although the tornado perhaps could have been foreshadowed

who was Mandy? and why did he know her? did I miss something?


overall - there are parts I like and others I would suggest need some attention. I feel there was too many rooms, too much confusion as to what they were doing, and why they were leaving etc

the caught in a storm whilst being attacked by something else, is strong and adds tension.

the Mandy thing needed to be weaved in more for us to understand etc

all the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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JEStaats
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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STELLA
I just ran through something cold. Freezing!

TONY
That sucks.

I found that funny. And this "The fear down here is...so bad.... "

Did they mention Mandy previously? Otherwise, why give her a name. Just say an apparition or ghost since we wouldn't know her name.

So I take it that some friends take turns having the annual Halloween Party and this couple arranged to have theirs in this Victorian Mansion. Were they trying to raise a ghost or two? Or was it just a side effect of their subwoofer?

Nice little tale. Needs some work and clarity, but overall a decent work.
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RolandJ
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
In the heart of the Blackness erupts a RAGING INFERNO. And in
the middle of the fire is a teenage girl:
MANDY
Her body is streaked with writhing veins of molten fire and
charred flesh; and her face sloughs of, revealing blackening
muscles beneath; and the lipless mouth is open in a perpetual
scream of agony; and her lidless eyes are pitiless smoking
holes


Who is Mandy and what is her relation to Stella & Tony?
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LC
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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The secret is having the right
subwoofer pumping out the
infrasound.


I would have stopped this line of dialogue at subwoofer. It's not uncommon when someone is boasting about their skills to elaborate, but it sounds a little clunky as everyday lingo.

Interesting idea with sound waves eliciting fear.
You need a Kitchen slug even of an adjoining room. Actually no real need for Tony to go there, is there?
Loved the 'TW Stella' line.  

temporarily unwired your mind?
messed with your head OR:
is messing with your head? Might work better.

She grabs door and struggles to close
it.

Tony sits on bed

Why are there so many 'the' words missing from description?
https://www.trussel.com/the.htm

Okay, so this couple use vacant or abandoned homes to stage their Halloween parties competitively?
There's some really nice imagery on show here but on first read I'm having a bit of trouble reconciling your fear induced sound frequency idea with the sudden appearance of Mandy and her relationship with Tony- presumably they've unwittingly summoned the ghosts of this particular manor.

An idea worth developing. The tornado? I'd just mention violent gusts of wind.
Tony's 'that sucks' comment also made me chuckle and gives the overall characterisation more oomph.
Overall, a bit unfocused. Best to make the ghosts more generic and without names - unless I'm completely missing a finer plot point.



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PraneelNand
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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That was a really good story and the writing was crisp and easy to follow, I really enjoyed this one. There are a few typos, missing words. (pg.5 dashing across yard should be dashing across the yard) nothing that broke the bank though.

But overall an excellent effort, I wish we had a backstory for Mandy, her coming out of no where was a bit jolting and I was almost set-up to believe this was some sort of hallucination caused by the infrasound (maybe thatís the point) but couldíve used some context.

Overall a real solid effort and a good story with good tension especially with the addition of the tornado. Good job.
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eldave1
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Really well-written. Good craftsmanship,

Who the heck is Mandy? There needed to be something here to let us in on it. I think that is a critical mistake.

But again - I really enjoyed the writing - smooth and crisp.

Good job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Written well, an easy read.

Liked the addition of the tornado. Just an idea, but perhaps Tony and Stella see the tornado before it hits the house. Maybe in a flash of lightening they see it or the thin beginnings of the tornado forming.

Wish we knew more about Mandy and how Tony knew her. Unless I missed something in the script.


Good job
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Anon
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I apologise if iíve Missed something here. I know itís frustrating because people have missed stuff I thought obvious in mine. Thatís the problem with writing something and not putting a second pair of eyes on it. But it seems to me you have a good concept here which is thus -

Thereís something terrible in the basement but itís the only safe place because of a tornado coming. Thatís a simple premise with enough conflict for a short. But the whole concept you set up - about sound - doesnít really have much to do with anything.

Again apologies if I missed something. The writing was good. I just think there was two concepts at play and for a short, one would be better.
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ReneC
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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What the heck did I just read?

I don't know where they live that a Victorian home can even exist if tornadoes can occur, or maybe that's part of the supernatural element. A tornado certainly ramps up the tension, and the destruction is impressive. I don't know why the basement isn't safe, did they leave the frequency running? Is that why Stella says the fear is so bad down there? And wouldn't they have been affected by it as much as their guests during the party?

All the techno-babble seemed to undermine the tension, but I liked that for all their technical mastery of fear it had nothing to do with the actual horror coming. It seemed very random though, the tornado, the fire god Mandy...that was very confusing. No set up at all for it. Which is too bad, any sort of connection would have made this a pretty great story. Coming out of nowhere, it's just nonsense.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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No dog in this fight.  Well, we said we'd provide notes to every script, and I did push this one down the pecking order.  But I don't have much to add.  Nice visceral style. Nice action description. Nice use of sound effects.

So, the only thingóand I'm not the first to mention thisóis who is Mandy?  This is where you lost me. The good news is it's not unsalvageable, but I feel you need to think this through a bit more.  Is she their daughter?

Anyways, them's my thoughts, yippee-ay-yay and good luck with it. -Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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When writing one-liner jokes - Tim Vine recommends not using the same word twice as it loses it's punch - the same goes for loglines. The double past. Should've ended with "...aren't content to remain there"... But I'm assuming you don't give a hoot about the logline so I'll move on...

Woohoo, We are not in a suburban home lol praise the lord!

Why are a lot of these starting with waving the guests goodbye? I get the parameters but you can show we are in the aftermath of a party without literally seeing people leave - makes it seem a lot of these start too soon.

are you allergic to the word "the"?


Quoted Text
At top of the stairs, Tony flicks up the light switch by the
door and light bulb in room FLARES brightly before exploding,
and he catches a glimpse of SHADOWY THINGS fleeing the light.


Nice visual


Quoted Text
The LIGHT GOES OUT in one of the bedrooms and camera
automatically switches to night-vision mode: a door from
another room slowly opens...and an AMORPHOUS BLACK FORM
emerges.


More good imagery and building the tension for the viewer with the character unaware.

The tornado combined with the paranormal stuff has really intensified this story, I can feel their panic and I feel like I am in this dire situation with them... no other script has me feeling so, so well done.
But colour me surprised, the Victorian house had me in England, where there are no tornadoes (Well, we had one a few years back but all it did was knock off a few roof tiles - certainly no warning siren)

Mandy, scary name, Who is she?... oh Tony recognizes her, I don't.

I think you missed some vital information from the story...like who the hell is Mandy? why does Tony know her and want to hug a burning lady?

The story was great, fantastic visuals and I felt dread for their situation... but then it fizzled into confusion and ultimately a disappointment.

Let us know who Many his.
Her relationship with Tony.
And not only why this is happening, but why now
And then you are on to something (not something cheap, mind, but something)


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Whoa. I think you ended up with a much bigger idea that couldn't be relayed in a short. That's certainly not a bad problem.

3 pages of dialog about technical type stuff...too much. And some were details we really didn't need. They just didn't add anything. I'd dumb down the technical stuff. Then the pace picked up. I liked the combo of supernatural stuff happening alongside a bad storm.

Mandy? Had to go back and reread...thought I missed something. Who the heck is Mandy? Sure seems like they knew her but the whole time I was under the impression this wasn't even their house.

Sorry. I just ended up so confused.


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ďIf someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor

are you allergic to the word "the"?


My exact thought as I read, lol.

Mandy was something a bit out of left field, but other than that, I kind of liked the story. Even the technical stuff. A different take on this OWC which I appreciated.

There were some issues that need to be dealt with in a rewrite, should you chose to do one. One would be, why are they in a mansion? Who's mansion is it?


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Ghost story? Nice.

The name STELLA REESE reminds me of Della Reese.


Quoted Text
Thanks for coming[,] Amy, Jim!


Victorian. Nice change of pace.


Quoted Text
Some bad weather is coming
our way.


Show, don't tell.

"Infrasound." That's a fancy word.

Title drop. Nice.


Quoted Text
Itís scientific, Stel. Sound waves
under 20 Hertz can cause fear,
paranoia, hallucinations --


I've heard this. The sound designers on Alien 3 deliberately did this.


Quoted Text
Just my imagination...


...Running away from me

Stellaaaaaa!!!!


Quoted Text
SECOND-FLOOR HALLWAY
Stella runs up stairs and stops at top to get her bearings.
The long hallway corridor has multiple doorways leading off it.


A tad redundant?

I noticed you've been using minislugs almost exclusively.

The story itself is alright, but the writing is superb. Admirable job.


FADE IN:
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Awesome title. Love it.

The sound waves tie back to the title, and are a very interesting element. But, I missed how they tie into the overall story and the final scenes. If you were trying to say that the sound generator messed with his mind and caused his demise, I didn't see it.

Also like the idea that the tornado forces them downstairs, but he knows that's where another threat lies. They say you should put your main character through hell, and you certainly did that.

I, too, found the numerous missing word "the" to be distracting. Not a deal breaker, but a distraction.

Overall, pretty good. If the title and other elements could have been more efficiently wrapped into the story, and Mandy's role more effectively explained, I think it could be really good.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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My last read, which usually means a very, VERY detailed review, but that's not going to be the case here.

I can't even put into words how irritating a read this was.  For some unknown reason, you omitted the word "the" every single time you should have used it.  WHY, WHY, WHY, no one will probably ever know, but please understand you're doing yourself and your script a huge disfavor.  If this wasn't my last read, I would have jumped ship early on.

So many questions as to what the Hell I just read and what you were thinking while conceiving and writing it.

Let's throw a few out...

Whose mansion is this and why did the owner allow 29 and 33 year old kids to hold a Halloween party, including setting up all these elaborate scares?  Doesn't make any sense and is a question that needs to be answered.

How in the world does a tornado just sneak up and destroy the house?  And , please do tell, where is this Tornado Warning Siren coming from?  If they're in a tornado area, it should have been made clear early on.  For instance, I live in AZ and we do not get many tornadoes, but we did have 1 touch down several miles from where I live, but there aren't any warning sirens, because there's such a small chance of threat here.  Without being set up, this is just shoehorned in.

WTF is up with this fire girl, named Mandy?  And why does Tony seem to know her?  It's one of the craziest endings (not in a good way) I've ever read.  Just completely out of left field, and nothing, and I mean nothing, was brought up about this prior to her arrival.

That's about it.  No story here, no rhyme or reason for anything that happened, no characterization, and a WTF ending means this one wasn't for me.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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