The Frequency of Fear by S. Le Fanu II - Short, Horror, Supernatural - Some ghosts from the past aren't content to remain in the past. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello S le F

logline - reminds of the type that would be on a poster, which isn't and outcome. doesn't tell me much more but then again this is an OWC

title - also has me interested as it's somewhat different

victorian mansion - is that an ordinary suburban house?

just saying the first dialogue slightly confused me as to what, where and who Jim was

curious as to why they have to leave the house for weather?

I would also turn off the CONTD for dialogue

20 hertz - never knew that

'At top of the stairs, Tony flicks up the light switch by the door and light bulb in room FLARES brightly before exploding, and he catches a glimpse of SHADOWY THINGS fleeing the light' - could do with a polish

keeping track of all the rooms, to basement, to foyer etc takes focus!

I like the twin dangers element, although the tornado perhaps could have been foreshadowed

who was Mandy? and why did he know her? did I miss something?


overall - there are parts I like and others I would suggest need some attention. I feel there was too many rooms, too much confusion as to what they were doing, and why they were leaving etc

the caught in a storm whilst being attacked by something else, is strong and adds tension.

the Mandy thing needed to be weaved in more for us to understand etc

all the best

STELLA
I just ran through something cold. Freezing!

TONY
That sucks.

I found that funny. And this "The fear down here is...so bad.... "

Did they mention Mandy previously? Otherwise, why give her a name. Just say an apparition or ghost since we wouldn't know her name.

So I take it that some friends take turns having the annual Halloween Party and this couple arranged to have theirs in this Victorian Mansion. Were they trying to raise a ghost or two? Or was it just a side effect of their subwoofer?

Nice little tale. Needs some work and clarity, but overall a decent work.

Quoted Text In the heart of the Blackness erupts a RAGING INFERNO. And in the middle of the fire is a teenage girl: MANDY Her body is streaked with writhing veins of molten fire and charred flesh; and her face sloughs of, revealing blackening muscles beneath; and the lipless mouth is open in a perpetual scream of agony; and her lidless eyes are pitiless smoking holes

Who is Mandy and what is her relation to Stella & Tony?

The secret is having the right
subwoofer pumping out the
infrasound.

I would have stopped this line of dialogue at subwoofer. It's not uncommon when someone is boasting about their skills to elaborate, but it sounds a little clunky as everyday lingo.

Interesting idea with sound waves eliciting fear.
You need a Kitchen slug even of an adjoining room. Actually no real need for Tony to go there, is there?
Loved the 'TW Stella' line.  

temporarily unwired your mind?
messed with your head OR:
is messing with your head? Might work better.

She grabs door and struggles to close
it.
Tony sits on bed

Why are there so many 'the' words missing from description?
https://www.trussel.com/the.htm

Okay, so this couple use vacant or abandoned homes to stage their Halloween parties competitively?
There's some really nice imagery on show here but on first read I'm having a bit of trouble reconciling your fear induced sound frequency idea with the sudden appearance of Mandy and her relationship with Tony- presumably they've unwittingly summoned the ghosts of this particular manor.

An idea worth developing. The tornado? I'd just mention violent gusts of wind.
Tony's 'that sucks' comment also made me chuckle and gives the overall characterisation more oomph.
Overall, a bit unfocused. Best to make the ghosts more generic and without names - unless I'm completely missing a finer plot point.

That was a really good story and the writing was crisp and easy to follow, I really enjoyed this one. There are a few typos, missing words. (pg.5 dashing across yard should be dashing across the yard) nothing that broke the bank though.

But overall an excellent effort, I wish we had a backstory for Mandy, her coming out of no where was a bit jolting and I was almost set-up to believe this was some sort of hallucination caused by the infrasound (maybe that’s the point) but could’ve used some context.

Overall a real solid effort and a good story with good tension especially with the addition of the tornado. Good job.

Really well-written. Good craftsmanship,

Who the heck is Mandy? There needed to be something here to let us in on it. I think that is a critical mistake.

But again - I really enjoyed the writing - smooth and crisp.

Good job.

Written well, an easy read.

Liked the addition of the tornado. Just an idea, but perhaps Tony and Stella see the tornado before it hits the house. Maybe in a flash of lightening they see it or the thin beginnings of the tornado forming.

Wish we knew more about Mandy and how Tony knew her. Unless I missed something in the script.


Good job

Okay, I apologise if i’ve Missed something here. I know it’s frustrating because people have missed stuff I thought obvious in mine. That’s the problem with writing something and not putting a second pair of eyes on it. But it seems to me you have a good concept here which is thus -

There’s something terrible in the basement but it’s the only safe place because of a tornado coming. That’s a simple premise with enough conflict for a short. But the whole concept you set up - about sound - doesn’t really have much to do with anything.

Again apologies if I missed something. The writing was good. I just think there was two concepts at play and for a short, one would be better.

What the heck did I just read?

I don't know where they live that a Victorian home can even exist if tornadoes can occur, or maybe that's part of the supernatural element. A tornado certainly ramps up the tension, and the destruction is impressive. I don't know why the basement isn't safe, did they leave the frequency running? Is that why Stella says the fear is so bad down there? And wouldn't they have been affected by it as much as their guests during the party?

All the techno-babble seemed to undermine the tension, but I liked that for all their technical mastery of fear it had nothing to do with the actual horror coming. It seemed very random though, the tornado, the fire god Mandy...that was very confusing. No set up at all for it. Which is too bad, any sort of connection would have made this a pretty great story. Coming out of nowhere, it's just nonsense.

No dog in this fight.  Well, we said we'd provide notes to every script, and I did push this one down the pecking order.  But I don't have much to add.  Nice visceral style. Nice action description. Nice use of sound effects.

So, the only thing—and I'm not the first to mention this—is who is Mandy?  This is where you lost me. The good news is it's not unsalvageable, but I feel you need to think this through a bit more.  Is she their daughter?

Anyways, them's my thoughts, yippee-ay-yay and good luck with it. -Andrea

When writing one-liner jokes - Tim Vine recommends not using the same word twice as it loses it's punch - the same goes for loglines. The double past. Should've ended with "...aren't content to remain there"... But I'm assuming you don't give a hoot about the logline so I'll move on...

Woohoo, We are not in a suburban home lol praise the lord!

Why are a lot of these starting with waving the guests goodbye? I get the parameters but you can show we are in the aftermath of a party without literally seeing people leave - makes it seem a lot of these start too soon.

are you allergic to the word "the"?

Quoted Text At top of the stairs, Tony flicks up the light switch by the door and light bulb in room FLARES brightly before exploding, and he catches a glimpse of SHADOWY THINGS fleeing the light.

Nice visual

Quoted Text The LIGHT GOES OUT in one of the bedrooms and camera automatically switches to night-vision mode: a door from another room slowly opens...and an AMORPHOUS BLACK FORM emerges.

More good imagery and building the tension for the viewer with the character unaware.

The tornado combined with the paranormal stuff has really intensified this story, I can feel their panic and I feel like I am in this dire situation with them... no other script has me feeling so, so well done.
But colour me surprised, the Victorian house had me in England, where there are no tornadoes (Well, we had one a few years back but all it did was knock off a few roof tiles - certainly no warning siren)

Mandy, scary name, Who is she?... oh Tony recognizes her, I don't.

I think you missed some vital information from the story...like who the hell is Mandy? why does Tony know her and want to hug a burning lady?

The story was great, fantastic visuals and I felt dread for their situation... but then it fizzled into confusion and ultimately a disappointment.

Let us know who Many his.
Her relationship with Tony.
And not only why this is happening, but why now
And then you are on to something (not something cheap, mind, but something)

Whoa. I think you ended up with a much bigger idea that couldn't be relayed in a short. That's certainly not a bad problem.

3 pages of dialog about technical type stuff...too much. And some were details we really didn't need. They just didn't add anything. I'd dumb down the technical stuff. Then the pace picked up. I liked the combo of supernatural stuff happening alongside a bad storm.

Mandy? Had to go back and reread...thought I missed something. Who the heck is Mandy? Sure seems like they knew her but the whole time I was under the impression this wasn't even their house.

Sorry. I just ended up so confused.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor are you allergic to the word "the"?

My exact thought as I read, lol.

Mandy was something a bit out of left field, but other than that, I kind of liked the story. Even the technical stuff. A different take on this OWC which I appreciated.

There were some issues that need to be dealt with in a rewrite, should you chose to do one. One would be, why are they in a mansion? Who's mansion is it?

Ghost story? Nice.

The name STELLA REESE reminds me of Della Reese.

Quoted Text Thanks for coming[,] Amy, Jim!

Victorian. Nice change of pace.

Quoted Text Some bad weather is coming our way.

Show, don't tell.

"Infrasound." That's a fancy word.

Title drop. Nice.

Quoted Text It’s scientific, Stel. Sound waves under 20 Hertz can cause fear, paranoia, hallucinations --

I've heard this. The sound designers on Alien 3 deliberately did this.

Quoted Text Just my imagination...

...Running away from me

Stellaaaaaa!!!!

Quoted Text SECOND-FLOOR HALLWAY Stella runs up stairs and stops at top to get her bearings. The long hallway corridor has multiple doorways leading off it.

A tad redundant?

I noticed you've been using minislugs almost exclusively.

The story itself is alright, but the writing is superb. Admirable job.