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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Curse of Osiris - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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  Author    Curse of Osiris - OWC  (currently 448 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Curse of Osiris by Anonymous Ra - Short, Horror, Body - After their Halloween party, Brenda and Carl discover that putting things to bed are more hazardous than normal. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Anon
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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I'm going in alphabetical order so this CURSE next.

I'm sorry but this needs a lot of work. There were too many errors, things that were hard to understand and unnatural dialogue. Let me give you some examples to tidy it up.


BRENDA
Well, that�s a relief, Carl. I was so worried when Marty Berensen went on and on about karma, sloth, and self-fulfillment. That�s it can be evil to stay home and watch TV. Jeez!


I had to read the last sentence several times.

You�ve been at this for eight hours straight.

She's been cleaning eight hours?


CARL
You know. Even as a zombie, when you go into action, you make me feel like making love to you every minute.


When you go into acton? She's sitting down I didn't understand this.

But what needs the most work is dialogue that's on-the-nose. These people are saying tings out loud to themselves that normal people never would. It's like they're doing a V.O on their own life. One example below of Brenda talking to herself but there are more.

BRENDA
What is happening to me? Am I having an onset of some disease? Some allergy to makeup? God help me!


You have the skills there but you need to be able to step outside your own head. In other words, read things like it's someone else coming to it cold. And if you can't - get someone else to read it and watch out for the things I mentioned.


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JEStaats
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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So is it cloudy or moonlit? A lot of interesting descriptions to start off: Spunky good looks shine through the zombie make-up? She must be HOT! I hope the granite counter tops and stainless steel has a part in this story. Otherwise, totally unnecessary detail.

Weird line:  "Thats it can be evil to stay home and watch TV." Not sure what that means.

CRUSHES the contents. Why the emphasis on that?

Pretty clunky dialogue so far. "A blood curdling scream like the man in the Pit and the Pendulum." That made me laugh. Not in a good way, either. And this one "Shes either hearing things or its a frosty put off." That's how I talk to myself too. "That would make any babe clammy." Stop, you're killing me! Oh wait, there's more...!

OMG, that was hilarious! Not sure if it was supposed to be.

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Dreamscale
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Logline doesn't say much and reads rather oddly.

Title Page is what it is, which is not a problem.

I wonder how many peeps used "SUBURBAN HOME" as a Slug?  Looks like alot and if you guys aren't getting it yet, that's not a good thing.  "HALLOWEEN NIGHT" in the Slug is a mistake.

"INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KITCHEN" - is not a complete Slug.  It's not a Mini, either.  Bottom line?  It's wrong.

"hirsute" - Now there's a word that's used alot.  NOT!  WTF?  Why would anyone choose to use such a word?  Crazy, really.

I quickly stopped taking notes, as I knew my "review" would upset peeps.  I read/skimmed the entire script.  I've got to say, that if this is supposed to be a serious horror entry, it's one of the very worst I've ever read.  If it's supposed to be a comedy/pisser, it's gold.

The dialogue is excruciating, but downright hilarious.  The constant talking out loud to themselves is just cringe worthy, on a serious basis, but hilarious in a pisser type way.

The story itself is ludicrous, but also comedy gold if viewed that way.

Sadly, I believe this is a serious entry, and if that's the case, you have some work to do, to say the least.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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hmmmm.....

I have to agree with a lot of the critiques thus far. There's a lot of problems that need sorting here.  It's not bad.  You're a funny writer.   A few laugh out loud moments.  Keep writing. -Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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eldave1
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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dialogue - really poor.

Everything else - fine.

Just one tip - when loved ones or even people just familiar with each other talk - they rarely use their names in the dialogue.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RolandJ
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Brenda falls to the floor dead. Carl collapses also dead.
GHOST OF OSIRIS
Thus is the fulfillment of the
Curse of Osiris!


Now this is where the script should end. The return to life takes all the horror away.

I also had some problems with both Brenda and Carl talking to themselves, not that people don't do that. But the dialogue was silly and amateurish.

As a couple Brenda and Carl meet the challenge. But the scream came from where? Not Brenda or Carl -- they could only purr and growl...?
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StevenClark
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Well, that was sort of a cautionary horror tale. I wish you would have made some connection from the incense to something else. Meaning, that guy at the party might have given it to them, but in reality he might have been wronged by Carl or something. Thats it. Some little connection.

Talking to yourself too much in a script is never good. Also was unclear where the scream came from and how it tied in here. As is, it just served to separate Carl and Brenda so they could begin their transformation. Need more substance here.

Not really enough horror here for me. However, if the had torn each other to shreds than that might have been horrific. Still, a decent entry and no real complains on the writing. Good job.

Steve


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Logline - Don't understand why people use names in loglines (when it's an unknown fictional character) - we don't know them, adds nothing to the logline, in future, it's best to replace with something we can understand, like a trait or two... "A newly-web couple..." "A disturbed couple...

On to the script.

I'm only on my 4th script and so far, EVERYONE lives in the suburbs lol - Obviously is not a criticism of your script, it just so happens you made the same choice as a lot of others - Halloween party must scream "suburbs" to a lot of people.


Quoted Text
Open off the living room, granite counters and stainless
steel appliances accent.


I'm not entirely sure what this means. Maybe it's just me. But you want to create clear pictures in our minds, not have us scratching our heads.

Them saying each other's names and then full naming their friend is very unnatural and appears in screenplays all the time. If my partner kept addressing me in conversation I would have thought she has gone a bit mad.

Your action blocks seem a bit start. stop.


Quoted Text
Brenda lights a match and ignites the incense. A large curl
of smoke arises from the incense holder. She caps it with the
lid. She inhales deeply at the aroma that wafts around her
nose.


There's an example. you can mess around with sentence structure to make the read flow a lot better.


Quoted Text
Brenda strikes a match and lights the incense. She brings her nose
closer, inhales the aromatic smoke


That's just a quick example, but shake things up to see if we can't improve the flow.


Quoted Text
SERIES OF SHOTS
Carl walks downstairs to the first floor.
He goes to the basement door and opens it.
In the basement, he turns on the overhead light.
END OF SERIES


It seems pretty pointless to me. Seems you are trying to dictate every second and exactly everything we see - There is really no need, you just need to get across the essentials, you don't need to describe every step a character takes.

Another screenplay phenomenon  - talking to themselves. Sure people talk to themselves, but it's mostly internal, not external - and usually not in full sentences like they are talking to someone.


Quoted Text
BRENDA
What is happening to me? Am I
having an onset of some disease?
Some allergy to makeup? God help
me!


This is probably the worst example. You should try reading your dialogue out loud, or get someone else too - it will help highlight bad dialogue

I'm skipping to the end now as the story isn't grabbing me.

More comedy than horror, but i'm not sure that is what you were going for. Unfortunately the story and the execution have fell short this time. Stuff just kind of happened to them, and then just undid with no real consequence or meaning.

Well done for getting something in.






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mmmarnie
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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How can a night be cloudy and moonlit? "Open off living room"...what does that mean? Are you giving a camera direction? Is that a description? And I must be a dope...what does "hirsute" mean??

Okay...Brenda's 2nd block of dialog made me want to stop reading. It's unnatural and makes no sense... "That's it can be evil to stay home and watch TV"??? HUH??? In that small block alone she calls Carl by name, and says first and last name of their friend. Unnatural.

BRENDA
It came from inside the house. I
want you to go downstairs to the
basement and look around. Maybe one
of our guests fell down the stairs
accidentally and theyre injured.

This is not good dialog. The whole thing is weird. She just automatically sends him to the basement when she's upstairs and doesn't know where in the house the scream came from? And she thinks there is still a party guest just hanging around in their house??

I have a feeling there is a language barrier here. The wording is just so bizarre. And it happens throughout. If there is a language barrier, I suggest always have someone with stong English proofread your work. If there isn't a language barrier...think about what people are reading here. You may understand it because it's your story...but you have to write in a way that a reader understands.

Just keep writing.



If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Another script that starts out with a lot of exposition...

Singapore Slings? Are they back in style, lol.

Not sure people talk like that to themselves. Would seem really unrealistic on film. IMO. Both Brenda and Carl.

No reason to have the characters explain to us what we can visually see...

I thought you were doing okay until the story went off the rails with the ghoul on the bed. I would get rid of that in a re-write if I were you. I did like the idea of characters turning into whatever they are dressed up as for Halloween. That could be cool.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi

Not sure whether you meant this to be funny, but the following is the best word I have read in this OWC

GHOST OF OSIRIS (screams)
YEOOWWEE!

That had me choking....

Ok, you have lots of feedback so I wont repeat.

The idea of a curse coming back to haunt a modern day couple is sound territory and quite common in action/mummy type films

It can be useful if you make the couples characteristics clash with the curse so that their hurdle is as high as it can be

As I have said for others, these OWC can be useful for practising format and structure so worth a re write.

All the best


My scripts HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Zack
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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"That would make any babe clammy." That's the best damn line in this entire OWC.

The writing itself is mostly pretty good. A couple of little mistakes. Halloween should be in a SUPER.

Dialog is so bad it's... Just really bad.

I do like idea of them turning into their costumes. Cool concept.

Seems like this was written by someone who isn't really a fan of horror. If that's the case, good for you for giving it a shot.



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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Trim the fat on the character descriptions. Brenda is a curvaceous brunette wearing a zombie costume; Carl is a rugged guy wearing half a wolf costume. Theyre both picking up the remnants of their Halloween party. (Pretty that up a little bit, but you get my point?)

First bit of dialogue, a bit stiff. Try tweaking little things such as:

Brenda: Well, thats a relief. I was worried when Marty started going on and on about karma, sloth, and self-fulfillment. I dont know what that was all about.

(Small differences, but even omitting one word can breathe life into a sentence.)

After page one I am getting the feeling youre a relatively new writer. Read a couple screenwriting books to help smooth out your delivery? Practice.

Carl comes over to her and hugs her from behind. He kisses her neck. She caves.
(Love it. Clear, concise, and to the point.)

If I read this like it was an episode of the Twilight Zone it seemed a little bit better, but I totally lost interest at page 7.

Im pretty sure nothing changed or happened at all in this script. A husband and wife want to do the horizontal monster mash, are interrupted by a bad acid trip, and then are fine and laugh about it. Meh.
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ReneC
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Neat concept executed poorly. I have nothing against the "it was all just a hallucination" story, but something more interesting should happen than just transforming into their respective costumes. I did like that idea and think it could be really cool done properly. In this case, it doesn't amount to much at all.

Nobody talks to themselves like this. It really hurts the script. Show us, don't tell us. Do it all visually.

If you want to ramp things up, have them attack each other once they transform. That would also dive into subtext and allegory, the couple who clearly have issues tearing each other apart. Skip the whole spirit thing and have them wake up (don't show them changing back, that doesn't fit with the hallucination thing) and see the destroyed bedroom, and either they just had the wildest sex they don't remember ever or it maybe really happened.


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Arundel
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 1:32am Report to Moderator
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I sound like a broken record. The line "That would make any babe clam up," is funny, like many have already said. I'm intrigued by the Osiris story so that is why I read this. Had it's moments. Descriptions could be trimmed/refined. Could picture what was happening. I know there were parameters you had to follow.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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I don't have a lot of hope for this, I must admit. But here goes nothing.

Logine is weird.

Title page looks fine.

As noted above, "Halloween Night" in the opening slug is a huge mistake. That belongs in a SUPER, if at all. We might not even need this if there's decorations, costumes, or even trick-or-treaters.

How does a house shine? Is it lit?


Quoted Text
Open off the living room, granite counters and stainless
steel appliances accent.


What does this even mean? This clearly reads as ESL.

Your character descriptions are too beefed up. Trim the fat. Keep them lean and clean.

"Close bearded" ...?

Remains? Has his costume been disintegrated?

The first two lines of dialogue sounded like normal English, but then your next dialogue ends with a bizarre sentence.

He? I hope you mean Carl.

Why is (beat) part of the dialogue? If it must be there at all, it's should be written as a parenthetical, or as an action line to break up dialogue. As it is, this paragraph is way too long -- nine lines! Unless your character's name is Quint or Patton, I'd purge all but the first two sentences. And even then, it needs a lot of work.

This is too poor for me to continue. Sorry. I'm out on page 1.


FADE IN:
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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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I dont know if it was intentional or not, but some of the stilted dialogue reminded me of thought balloons in comic books where the characters think stuff thats too clunky to actually speak.

Did Brenda and/or Carl do something particularly egregious that was deserving of the Curse of Osiris? Or does the Curse just impact random people? Arent curses supposed to be earned? It would have made the script longer but funnier if the two started mining each others faults that might have brought down this curse on them.

And is it really a curse if, in the end, you  end up being a better person than you were before? Sure, the couple did suffer a little and have to die first, but you could probably sell this curse to a lot of people to use on someone else, of course.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Nice little story.

Biggest problem is nothing changes in the end. They just morph into their costumes and then morph back pretty much. Perhaps have Carl be the only one to change and then hunt Brenda. Might make for a more suspenseful story.



Quoted Text
What is happening to me? Am I having an onset of some disease? Some allergy to makeup? God help me!


Should've kept " What is happening to me" and cut the rest. There's a few lines where the characters re talking to themselves and say things that sound odd.

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