A blood bath for sure that horror fans love.

The comments refer to brilliant writing of scene description. Much of this is metaphor and simile, used a great deal in novels. The reference to P Diddy is homage to the opulent and lavish parties he is known to give.

The dialogue is good, but the following is the best line in the script:

Quoted Text DOC Some people are real hard to get rid of.

Just keep it up writer.

Quoted from RolandJ A blood bath for sure that horror fans love. The comments refer to brilliant writing of scene description. Much of this is metaphor and simile, used a great deal in novels. The reference to P Diddy is homage to the opulent and lavish parties he is known to give. The dialogue is good, but the following is the best line in the script: Just keep it up writer.

It’s not that we don’t understand what the writer is trying to do, it’s whether or not they’re successful in doing so, and if it is even advisable. It comes off as trying to be flash when it’s not required, IMO.

In my view, for the examples I list, I don’t think the writer achieves that, and at the detriment of the script. I personally don’t think the description writing is excellent. What is excellent is the core idea and vibe, which shows a genuine skill at navigating genres, and a strong eye for visuals.

Hello Writer,


Well written story.   You definitely have a vivid imagination.  I was all into the gore up until Mrs. Cromblehome joined the party.  For some reason, it felt like one of those spoof horror comedies.  Her relying on the dog to shoot someone was inventive.   Even being deaf, it seems a stretch for her not to see any of that stuff take place.  I liked how you showed the cell phone to 911.   Let's you know helps coming but when.  I thought it added to the tension.  Nonetheless, I was entertained until the end. Good luck.


All the best.  

Ding ding ding! I have a new favourite!!

And by favourite, I don't mean my favourite in the challenge... because If I was scoring, I would DQ your ass because this sure as shit is not a horror.

It's a ridiculous comedy with gore, and I loved reading it.
Everything is so over the top and unrealistic that it gels together nicely - The story doesn't take itself seriously and neither will the viewer. It's just fun and games and something I would love to watch. It all just escalates in a comedic way that I found very entertaining.

Funny visuals as well, with the wife doing the washing and carnage behind.

Your writing guided me through nicely and added to the comedic tone - You write in a way that will no doubt annoy the stricter more traditional writers amongst us (I used to be one, but I seem to have settled recently into what I like and don't like), but I personally liked most of it.

A few of the asides felt right at home with the story and the tone and naturally implemented:

"A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster�s jeans."
"Barky�s chest-cavity envelops Mrs. Cromblehome�s head like a dead-dog lollipop"

Others didn't and seemed to be forced in unnaturally

"Except the interior designer�s fee."
"enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy�s."

Possibly down to preference. Who knows. But one thing that is evident in this, is that you had a hell of a good time writing it and that permeates through to the read. I think I have developed a writer's crush.

Oh, and I loved how you counted down the number of glasses she has left to watch, building up the tension but still holding onto the comedy.

Really hope someone makes this one

The ending with the wifes last words to him is just a perfect ending to this. Fantastico!

Logline - Does it tell us too much?  Let's see.

Title Page - As I've said numerous times, I don't appreciate the fake names, addresses, etc.

We start with a split scene, once again.  Let's see if it's used properly...

"Next to the sink there’s enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy’s." - ARGH!  Really?  It';s these kind of irritating aides that make me cringe.  If champagne was in the glasses, are they really looking "dirty"?

"Doc taps his phone.  HEAVY METAL pumps out of unseen speakers in a modern living space.  Everything is minimalist.  Except the interior designer’s fee." - Numerous issues here.  Because of the Kitchen/LIVING ROOM Slug, it's unclear where this "modern living space" even is - the kitchen or the living room - one would think the unseen speakers would be in the living room, but since it's all 1 passage, one has to assume it's the same area that Doc is in, which is the kitchen.  Finally, the aside here is once again cringe worthy, and completely unnecessary, and let's not forget that the aside is written as a new sentence for some reason, when it should be connected with a comma.

Personally, I don't like the writing on display at all - the short, choppy sentences with no subjects.  Many of these should simply be added to the prior sentence with a comma.

"base" - "bass"

"INSIDE:  the place old keys and bits of wire go to die." - Oh man, really?  Do we really need this?  Do peeps actually appreciate this kind of nonsense?

Page 2 - Doc's dialogue comes off rather oddly, and Nurse's non reaction is also very odd.

Page 3 - "a" - "and"  This entire line is odd and the thing about using the pliers is also very strange - especially if he plans on killing her with a knife being held by pliers and a dishcloth.

Ok, so she's either deaf or this is all BS.  Either way, I'm not enjoying this very much.

Page 4 - Ok, she is deaf, but I don't buy how completely unaware she is.

Back to teh writing style - you know how to write and you know what you're doing.  Some may love this, but I do not.  To me, it's very static, very much like writing down a list of exactly what happens.

"A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster’s jeans." - Oh God...noooo...please stop the madness!!!

"The macabre makeup can’t hold a candle to the horror on his real face." - Well, here you go again, but this is a very different type of aside - it could work very well, but based on the non existent description of Skeleton's face and makeup/costume, I'm not sure what this is really showing...or saying, other than, Hey, look at me.  I'm a cool writer, aren't I?

"She’s not long for this world.  Might have enough time to take someone with her." - Oh man.  Again, you're simply telling us something, that has absolutely nothing to do with a script. These kind of asides do not belong in a script, IMO, and they are and already have taken me completely out of this read.

And now, you're CAPPING words like it's going out of style  WTF?  All these things stick out.  All these things take away from the read.

Again, let's go back to the Slugs - impossible to tell where we are, as the action is in both rooms at times.  Maybe you were worried about space in adding new Slugs every time the action moves, but that's the way you need to do it.  Kitchen and Living Room are 2 distinct areas -even if they are open to each other. It's not like the/a camera is going to be in the same spot for all these different shots - it's going to be either in the kitchen, or in the living room.

Page 6 - Now, it's clear you don't even know where we are, as Skeleton speaks OC - should be OS, then speaks again seconds later and it's not OS.

Oh God...no...now we get a count down on how many glasses are left?  Fuck me...I want to be done with this so badly!!

"quieten" - Huh?  How about "quiet'en"?

"Jesus butt-fucking Christ, boy!" - Is this supposed to be funny?

Page 8 - "it's" - "its"

The tone has really changed to all out comedy now, it appears, but maybe that's the way you intended it all along?  With the stupid asides?  Damn, whatever it is, it's fucking irritating and I cannot wait to be done here.

I'm not even going to comment any more.  But let me just say, I for one am literally loathing this experience.

Nurse's last line is actually quite good, but does it really fit...and make sense?  I don't know at this point.  I just know I really hate this style of writing, but I also know some..most will love it, so there you go.

Not for me in any way, sorry to say.

**

Writer,

Down to my last couple reads and haven't been able to comment because of time but, damn, I had to comment here! This was an absolute cluster fuck! And I mean that in a good way because my head was swimming with all this craziness I couldn't even remember if there was a scream. Anyway, call this a pisser  probably, but this was a fun read! Good job.

Steve

Only half a page in so far, but I like what you have. Interesting visuals. Good dialogue and conflict/tension. If you keep this up, you'll win the mug!

Would a 90 year old woman speak like that?

Okay, shit hit the fan towards the end.

You didn't keep it as good as the first page, but it was still a fun read. The writing itself made the read fun. Not necessarily the story.

Fantastic idea having all this stuff going on behind the nurse's back who's deaf! Great last line.

Despite you going a bit off the rails, this is still in my top three so far and I only have two more to go.

A lot of action with a lot of killing. I like that. I also like the black-comedy tone. Straight-forward kill’em-ups are boring. But it’s really too bad Barky bought the farm. A suggestion, though: maybe it would be more in keeping with Nurse’s bad attitude if she forced Doc to kill the devil girl himself.

That was one hell of a tale, torture porn of the month.

I really liked it, had everything you’d want.  Gore, horror, more gore, an old lady with a gun.

I had fun reading it and it was twisted as hell, my only negative would be that deaf people are sensitive to vibrations as well and gun  shots can be felt even if you’re not deaf, as I don’t think heavy metal could drown out that.

But none the less, this was one of my favorites and the writing here is top notch, good job on entering and good luck.

I love everything about this except the title.

I'm a fan of the Cornetto trilogy and this follows right in that vein of comedy horror. I really like the use of the deaf character, that all the action is happening unbeknownst to her. I love that he's confessing his crimes before he even commits them knowing she can't hear him.

I have little to critique with this one except it took two readings for me to fully get the ending. The single cop showing up isn't realistic and it should be set up better. The countdown for Nurse to turn around means she's only alive because of luck and I never like that.

Great job, one of my top picks.

This one was mine! And boy did I have fun writing it. It seemed to polarise people as my writing often does. But I have found it better - work wise - that half the readers love it rather than everyone like it. Having said that this one was aside-crazy even for me. Like I said - I was having too much fun to care. And best I flex my descriptive voice - I'm just starting a novel (gulp).

Thanks for all reviews x

Quoted from ReneC I love everything about this except the title.

For the love of God, man! What's wrong with the title?

Don’t know how this didn’t place, but the voting can be a strange process.

Hope you get to revise this - I could see it being filmed.

Well done.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Don’t know how this didn’t place, but the voting can be a strange process.

I second that. This one was definitely my favorite. It was just so batshit crazy! I loved it. Great work here, Alex.

Quoted from Anon This one was mine! And boy did I have fun writing it. It seemed to polarise people as my writing often does. But I have found it better - work wise - that half the readers love it rather than everyone like it. Having said that this one was aside-crazy even for me. Like I said - I was having too much fun to care. And best I flex my descriptive voice - I'm just starting a novel (gulp). Thanks for all reviews x

I wanna read that novel.

This was tied for my top finisher. So many clever moments. I laughed big several times. Thanks for that!