SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 28th, 2020, 1:29pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
May OWC - Who Wrote What and Writer's Choice Announced


(May 29, 9:00 pm edt or May 30, 11:00 am aest)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  For The Love of Satan - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    For The Love of Satan - OWC  (currently 762 views)
RolandJ
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 3:26am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
41
Posts Per Day
0.08
A blood bath for sure that horror fans love.

The comments refer to brilliant writing of scene description. Much of this is metaphor and simile, used a great deal in novels. The reference to P Diddy is homage to the opulent and lavish parties he is known to give.

The dialogue is good, but the following is the best line in the script:


Quoted Text
DOC
Some people are real hard to get
rid of.


Just keep it up writer.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 29
Andrew
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 8:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1670
Posts Per Day
0.41

Quoted from RolandJ
A blood bath for sure that horror fans love.

The comments refer to brilliant writing of scene description. Much of this is metaphor and simile, used a great deal in novels. The reference to P Diddy is homage to the opulent and lavish parties he is known to give.

The dialogue is good, but the following is the best line in the script:



Just keep it up writer.


It’s not that we don’t understand what the writer is trying to do, it’s whether or not they’re successful in doing so, and if it is even advisable. It comes off as trying to be flash when it’s not required, IMO.

In my view, for the examples I list, I don’t think the writer achieves that, and at the detriment of the script. I personally don’t think the description writing is excellent. What is excellent is the core idea and vibe, which shows a genuine skill at navigating genres, and a strong eye for visuals.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 29
Kevin_S
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 12:36am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
81
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hello Writer,


Well written story.   You definitely have a vivid imagination.  I was all into the gore up until Mrs. Cromblehome joined the party.  For some reason, it felt like one of those spoof horror comedies.  Her relying on the dog to shoot someone was inventive.   Even being deaf, it seems a stretch for her not to see any of that stuff take place.  I liked how you showed the cell phone to 911.   Let's you know helps coming but when.  I thought it added to the tension.  Nonetheless, I was entertained until the end. Good luck.


All the best.  
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 29
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 6:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1048
Posts Per Day
1.78
Ding ding ding! I have a new favourite!!

And by favourite, I don't mean my favourite in the challenge... because If I was scoring, I would DQ your ass because this sure as shit is not a horror.

It's a ridiculous comedy with gore, and I loved reading it.
Everything is so over the top and unrealistic that it gels together nicely - The story doesn't take itself seriously and neither will the viewer. It's just fun and games and something I would love to watch. It all just escalates in a comedic way that I found very entertaining.

Funny visuals as well, with the wife doing the washing and carnage behind.

Your writing guided me through nicely and added to the comedic tone - You write in a way that will no doubt annoy the stricter more traditional writers amongst us (I used to be one, but I seem to have settled recently into what I like and don't like), but I personally liked most of it.

A few of the asides felt right at home with the story and the tone and naturally implemented:

"A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster�s jeans."
"Barky�s chest-cavity envelops Mrs. Cromblehome�s head like a dead-dog lollipop"

Others didn't and seemed to be forced in unnaturally

"Except the interior designer�s fee."
"enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy�s."

Possibly down to preference. Who knows. But one thing that is evident in this, is that you had a hell of a good time writing it and that permeates through to the read. I think I have developed a writer's crush.

Oh, and I loved how you counted down the number of glasses she has left to watch, building up the tension but still holding onto the comedy.

Really hope someone makes this one

The ending with the wifes last words to him is just a perfect ending to this. Fantastico!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 29
Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11197
Posts Per Day
2.45
Logline - Does it tell us too much?  Let's see.

Title Page - As I've said numerous times, I don't appreciate the fake names, addresses, etc.

We start with a split scene, once again.  Let's see if it's used properly...

"Next to the sink there’s enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy’s." - ARGH!  Really?  It';s these kind of irritating aides that make me cringe.  If champagne was in the glasses, are they really looking "dirty"?

"Doc taps his phone.  HEAVY METAL pumps out of unseen speakers in a modern living space.  Everything is minimalist.  Except the interior designer’s fee." - Numerous issues here.  Because of the Kitchen/LIVING ROOM Slug, it's unclear where this "modern living space" even is - the kitchen or the living room - one would think the unseen speakers would be in the living room, but since it's all 1 passage, one has to assume it's the same area that Doc is in, which is the kitchen.  Finally, the aside here is once again cringe worthy, and completely unnecessary, and let's not forget that the aside is written as a new sentence for some reason, when it should be connected with a comma.

Personally, I don't like the writing on display at all - the short, choppy sentences with no subjects.  Many of these should simply be added to the prior sentence with a comma.

"base" - "bass"

"INSIDE:  the place old keys and bits of wire go to die." - Oh man, really?  Do we really need this?  Do peeps actually appreciate this kind of nonsense?

Page 2 - Doc's dialogue comes off rather oddly, and Nurse's non reaction is also very odd.

Page 3 - "a" - "and"  This entire line is odd and the thing about using the pliers is also very strange - especially if he plans on killing her with a knife being held by pliers and a dishcloth.

Ok, so she's either deaf or this is all BS.  Either way, I'm not enjoying this very much.

Page 4 - Ok, she is deaf, but I don't buy how completely unaware she is.

Back to teh writing style - you know how to write and you know what you're doing.  Some may love this, but I do not.  To me, it's very static, very much like writing down a list of exactly what happens.

"A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster’s jeans." - Oh God...noooo...please stop the madness!!!

"The macabre makeup can’t hold a candle to the horror on his real face." - Well, here you go again, but this is a very different type of aside - it could work very well, but based on the non existent description of Skeleton's face and makeup/costume, I'm not sure what this is really showing...or saying, other than, Hey, look at me.  I'm a cool writer, aren't I?

"She’s not long for this world.  Might have enough time to take someone with her." - Oh man.  Again, you're simply telling us something, that has absolutely nothing to do with a script. These kind of asides do not belong in a script, IMO, and they are and already have taken me completely out of this read.

And now, you're CAPPING words like it's going out of style  WTF?  All these things stick out.  All these things take away from the read.

Again, let's go back to the Slugs - impossible to tell where we are, as the action is in both rooms at times.  Maybe you were worried about space in adding new Slugs every time the action moves, but that's the way you need to do it.  Kitchen and Living Room are 2 distinct areas -even if they are open to each other. It's not like the/a camera is going to be in the same spot for all these different shots - it's going to be either in the kitchen, or in the living room.

Page 6 - Now, it's clear you don't even know where we are, as Skeleton speaks OC - should be OS, then speaks again seconds later and it's not OS.

Oh God...no...now we get a count down on how many glasses are left?  Fuck me...I want to be done with this so badly!!

"quieten" - Huh?  How about "quiet'en"?

"Jesus butt-fucking Christ, boy!" - Is this supposed to be funny?

Page 8 - "it's" - "its"

The tone has really changed to all out comedy now, it appears, but maybe that's the way you intended it all along?  With the stupid asides?  Damn, whatever it is, it's fucking irritating and I cannot wait to be done here.

I'm not even going to comment any more.  But let me just say, I for one am literally loathing this experience.

Nurse's last line is actually quite good, but does it really fit...and make sense?  I don't know at this point.  I just know I really hate this style of writing, but I also know some..most will love it, so there you go.

Not for me in any way, sorry to say.

**






To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 29
StevenClark
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 9:35am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2253
Posts Per Day
0.84
Writer,

Down to my last couple reads and haven't been able to comment because of time but, damn, I had to comment here! This was an absolute cluster fuck! And I mean that in a good way because my head was swimming with all this craziness I couldn't even remember if there was a scream. Anyway, call this a pisser  probably, but this was a fun read! Good job.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 29
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6756
Posts Per Day
1.51
Only half a page in so far, but I like what you have. Interesting visuals. Good dialogue and conflict/tension. If you keep this up, you'll win the mug!

Would a 90 year old woman speak like that?

Okay, shit hit the fan towards the end.

You didn't keep it as good as the first page, but it was still a fun read. The writing itself made the read fun. Not necessarily the story.

Fantastic idea having all this stuff going on behind the nurse's back who's deaf! Great last line.

Despite you going a bit off the rails, this is still in my top three so far and I only have two more to go.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 29
Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
293
Posts Per Day
0.07
A lot of action with a lot of killing. I like that. I also like the black-comedy tone. Straight-forward kill’em-ups are boring. But it’s really too bad Barky bought the farm. A suggestion, though: maybe it would be more in keeping with Nurse’s bad attitude if she forced Doc to kill the devil girl himself.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 29
PraneelNand
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

Location
Tokyo, Japan
Posts
26
Posts Per Day
0.01
That was one hell of a tale, torture porn of the month.

I really liked it, had everything you’d want.  Gore, horror, more gore, an old lady with a gun.

I had fun reading it and it was twisted as hell, my only negative would be that deaf people are sensitive to vibrations as well and gun  shots can be felt even if you’re not deaf, as I don’t think heavy metal could drown out that.

But none the less, this was one of my favorites and the writing here is top notch, good job on entering and good luck.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 29
ReneC
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1058
Posts Per Day
0.33
I love everything about this except the title.

I'm a fan of the Cornetto trilogy and this follows right in that vein of comedy horror. I really like the use of the deaf character, that all the action is happening unbeknownst to her. I love that he's confessing his crimes before he even commits them knowing she can't hear him.

I have little to critique with this one except it took two readings for me to fully get the ending. The single cop showing up isn't realistic and it should be set up better. The countdown for Nurse to turn around means she's only alive because of luck and I never like that.

Great job, one of my top picks.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 29
Anon
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 5:21am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
173
Posts Per Day
0.12
This one was mine! And boy did I have fun writing it. It seemed to polarise people as my writing often does. But I have found it better - work wise - that half the readers love it rather than everyone like it. Having said that this one was aside-crazy even for me. Like I said - I was having too much fun to care. And best I flex my descriptive voice - I'm just starting a novel (gulp).

Thanks for all reviews x
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 29
Anon
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 5:22am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
173
Posts Per Day
0.12

Quoted from ReneC
I love everything about this except the title.



For the love of God, man! What's wrong with the title?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 29
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 6:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Proud owner of a Simply Scripts face mask ...

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2472
Posts Per Day
0.77
Don’t know how this didn’t place, but the voting can be a strange process.

Hope you get to revise this - I could see it being filmed.

Well done.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 29
Zack
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 8:35am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3144
Posts Per Day
0.61

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Don’t know how this didn’t place, but the voting can be a strange process.



I second that. This one was definitely my favorite. It was just so batshit crazy! I loved it. Great work here, Alex.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 29
PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Kansas
Posts
704
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Anon
This one was mine! And boy did I have fun writing it. It seemed to polarise people as my writing often does. But I have found it better - work wise - that half the readers love it rather than everyone like it. Having said that this one was aside-crazy even for me. Like I said - I was having too much fun to care. And best I flex my descriptive voice - I'm just starting a novel (gulp).

Thanks for all reviews x


I wanna read that novel.

This was tied for my top finisher. So many clever moments. I laughed big several times. Thanks for that!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 29 - 29
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006