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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Bigfoot In Love - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bigfoot in Love by Fernando Sucre - Short, Romantic, Comedy - Bigfoot -- 40 years old, neurotic, and still living with his parents -- goes on his first-ever (blind) date. But will it go smoothly? 9 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

Bigfoot is a 40-year-old large, hairy ape-man. Almost seven
feet. Speaking of feet, his are enormous: 24 by 8 feet. He
wears glasses. He is neurotic.



He's only 7ft yet his feet are 24 x 8?

He wears glasses and he is neurotic... read lazily to me. Telling us he is neurotic doesn't do much at this stage of the story.

Code

Bigfootís mother, MARGE (sixties), eats a bowl of cereal.
She is surprisingly large, hairy, and ape-like for a woman.



Not that surprising considering she is Big Foot's mother.

Code

AMY
"Single white male seeking single
white female. Iím forty years old
and never been kissed. Never gotten
a girl in my life. I admit Iím a
bit scruffy looking. I hope this
wonít be a problem..."



I feel that there is an opportunity to ramp up the comedy here. Lay it on thick and she's still interested makes for a harder chuckle.

I'd also like to know more about her place. For example, for even more irony, she could be allergic to pet hair. Maybe she's also OCD.

I don't feel that this story lived up to its promise or full potential. It's an excellent idea though, it just needs plenty of work. More irony and more comedy. This one will be a definite winner with more of that in the execution.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Well...I read the entire script.

OK, let's start with the positives...

The writing is suprisingly decent.  Very few mistakes/typos.

The bad news is that for me, nothing works here at all...not even remotely.  There's nothing funny here and if you picture this playing out in a filmed version, I think it would be a pretty painful watch.

Very little happens here, so any chance of humor in a crazy slapstick vein is completely lost.  The only way something like this could work, would be if you went all out for laughs and madcap slapstick sight gags.

Don't include days or the like in your Slugs - if that info is important, you'll need a SUPER.  Here, it's not remotely necessary.

Sorry, this doesn't work at all for me on literally any level, but you produced a pretty clean script in a week's time, so congrats on that.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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grademan
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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What's an urban legend challenge without Mr. B. FOOT? A light and fun read.

Minor suggestions:

The character introductions told me what they were like when they should be showing me what they were like. "He is neurotic" is an example.

The woman in the bathroom was a convenient way to turn  Amy around. I took it as part of a tongue in cheek vibe.

And ending with a line or three on the last page just draws attention to all the space you didn't use.  Try to wrap it up at the end of a page.

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wonkavite
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I thought the banter in this one was really cute.  A bit of a  "show it don't tell it" problem at the beginning (ie: just saying certain characters are neurotic, or have an Archie Bunker mentality.)  

And admittedly, swaths of this are illogical.  No, I don't mean the whole "Bigfoot on a date" bit.  That's supposed to be covered under suspension of disbelief.  I mean stuff like Amy - described as a gorgeous woman - automatically being okay with a self-described scruffy 40 year old virgin.  Why the heck would that ad appeal to her?

That said, the ending was a bit flat - but you could definitely amp this up with the bizarro jokes and create a solid comedy/fantasy piece.  All the components are there.  It just needs a bit of polish and reworking...
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irish eyes
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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The story itself was a straightforward blind date, I was waiting for more action to happen at the restaurant but it never came.

It read pretty easy for a comedy and as for writing comedies you  don't need all the bells and whistles in your actions, but the outcome was predictable.

Overall though a nice effort


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khamanna
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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A bigfoot wants to find a date and puts a singles ad in a newspaper. The premise is funny. The dialog is a bit of a let down - it's not stiff or anything but not very funny for me. I'd expect them to be funnier. I liked the gay part at the beginning.

One thing I definitely did not understand is if the Bigfoot is naked all the time in this story. He says he likes walking in the woods nude and all so I thought he's nude all the time.

The ending was anticlimatic for me. You could add something here - maybe Amy has six fingers on one of her hands and Bigfoot sees it and decides against dating her because "she's weird". But this kind of thing been around. Maybe he has six fingers... and after deciding to being with Bigfoot she sees his sixth finger and becomes appalled or something. And tells him she can't date him because the sixth finger is disgusting.
At any rate, I'm thinking you need double twist here. One is - she is dating Bigfoot now. And another one - something to make us smile maybe.
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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Damn, sorry to say, but this needs work. Actually, not work, but just a little more wit or grit. There's not a lot here, too light, too cutesy, I don't really want to say more  without offending someone but... It just feels as if it's missing something crucial. It doesn't read like a whole script. Almost like a children's cartoon. I mean, if you think about it -- it could work as a children's cartoon. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing if that's what you were aiming for.

Could've been worse, could've been better. Not a bad effort.
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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As Nawazm11 said, this could be a cartoon. Even then, it needs more to the story.

I get the feeling you wanted to enter something but didn't really have the time. That would explain the off-the-top-of-my-head feel. Could be overhauled and made into something -- if you want to.

Henry



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IamGlenn
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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This a sweet little story.

But it definitely needs more. The dialogue isn't great and if it was humour you were going for in this one I wasn't really feeling it. Also, I thought maybe something would happen at the end to wrap it all up. But no just a "see ya later" and that's it. It needs something. For me, Bigfoot going on a date isn't enough.

Good luck.


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Iancou
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say it was well-written, but dragged at times. As a comedy, it needs to be upped a notch to truly make readers/audiences chuckle. One thing to consider is the old cliche about if a man has big hands, big feet, etc., then he must have a big... well, you know. That stereotype could be used as well. Other points to consider:
- Does he/did he have fleas?
- Does wearing clothes give him any discomfort? (chafing, funny bald spots from rubbing, etc.)
- Any "primitive" traits that set him apart from homo sapiens?
- Is it considered an intraspecies romance?
- Wouldn't his parents prefer a nice "bigfoot" girl? (A different take on the religion, race, ethnicity theme as in "Look Who's Coming to Dinner")

Best of luck.

Ian


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RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Lots of opportunity for yuks with this one.  I think you can push the envelope with his size and his pacificity.  Might be interesting if he engenders more paparazzi or attacks.  After all, he is bigfoot.  He will be recognized.  An air of sophistication might help too.

Best
Richard
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Urban Legend: Sasquatch aka Bigfoot

This has promise for a fine little sketch short. But with the cute, one joke premise, and after the waiter, the joke has no payoff. It's slightly amusing, cute...but where was the punchline? Here is a great trove to be mined-! This is Bigfoot's first date. A blind date on top of it. Remember Splash where the mermaid chows down on a plate of shrimp on her first dinner date? One would expect Bigfoot to have not the best table manners, or be even more awkward being out in public. I'm not saying that you should have that stuff in there if you wanted something different, mind you. I am saying as inspired as this might be, the piece takes a nose dive.

Why name him ALAN in caps if we are just going to call him BIGFOOT?
Time of day in the slug is fine. The day in the slug isn't. SUPER that Monday.
Works for a grin, but having a location in the WOODS and having scenes in the WOOD'S HOUSE is a little dicey.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Bigfoot in love

Wacky, but rather good title. Logline seems ok, assuming to is Bigfoot, not some just called Bigfoot etc let's see...

First slug...

EXT. WOODS - BLUFF CREEK, CALIFORNIA - MONDAY - DAY

...thats a cracker. Says pisser to me, but I haven't gone any further so could be wrong,

Finished...

Not sure what to say about this one.

Cute in part, bit surreal in others. Not sure it wholly works, but it's different.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
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stevie
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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Make this a raunchy version! Throw some smut in there!

Amy - 'Have you (giggle) got a big foot?'

Bigfoot - 'Actually no. It only clocks in at 10 inches.'   BOOM BOOM


As Jeff said, nothing wrong with the writing itself, the story just needs more oomph.

And comedy  


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