I was put off by the SCREE. No idea what that was about. Then it seemed it was just going to be a straightforward slasher with no real story to speak of. I actually quit reading it and simply forgot to write a 'review'.

So, after reading some of the other comments, I thought I'd stick with it and I actually quite liked it. Nice work.

You know I enjoyed it.

All the twists and turns - it's like a parody at those Scream movies and I appreciated that.
I think it could be easily filmed but positioned as a parody.

Maybe you could squezze in a joke or two.

SCREE - you mean Scream?

This is a Scream parody, isn't it? it works beautifully as a parody for me. Really nice job.

He's scratching up his own car for the sake of a joke? I doubt it.

Billy must not think much of his girlfriend to do this.

I know, I know. It's just a light-hearted Urban Legend tale. It still has to work, though. In its present form, this one doesn't.

Some formatting and typo issues, let's put that down to time pressure of OWC deadline.

The tale is fairly straightforward but attempted twists mix it up a little at least, even of they dont all work.

Re-write, polish and this could work as decent comedy/horror short,

Anthony

A twist, then a twist and another twist which eventually leads to a few plots holes.

Why did Justine call the cops if she was in on the gag?

Where did all the fake claret come from as the two lovebirds were all over each other earlier and neither noticed any blood bags under garments?

Why did Kyle hold up his hook, if not to be killed?

A good urban legend but I think it confused itself.

Well i chuckled reading this. needs a re-write though just to give it more edge and tension. But Yeah, fun. I enjoyed the illogical twists.

Captain Hook

Short short scripts rock.

She must be able to see the ignition lock with no keys left, so there's no reason to sit into the driver's seat.

^^With regards to how it plays out in the end, there's another problem concerning her behavior -- Well, she tries to make a phone call and to drive off, which is illogical since she had planned to trick him.

The punch line with the cops is just so ironic and up to date, killer.

Hope to see this one time because it's a super fun to read and already builds on strong visuals and narration. Shock effects, a bit sex, cool costumes, blood, clever twists and all this within a few minutes only. The kids will love it and I probably will too.

“BILLY, 18, mugs JUSTINE, 18” What’s the mug about? Is this some new slang, or an old one I’m not familiar with?

“hot people” Glad you cleared that up – I thought they could be aliens.

Oh Billy, you was on to a sweet thing. Why ruin the mood.

“SCREEEE” Come again. What’s this supposed to be?

“The sound of metal on metal” Oh, that’s what it is.

“She spins back.” Wow! She’s spinning all over the car. You could say the “SCREEE” has her spinning around (like a record) hopefully that songs playing on the radio during this moment.

“What a joke.” Your words but yes, absolutely.

“Oops, no keys.” Oops indeed – where are they? I guess Billy took them with him but I can’t imagine why.

A small revolver in the glove box, these kids are 18 and at lover’s lane… why would you have a revolver. This is actually the problem with society in some ways. Obviously that’s not the point here, I’m pretty sure this was written close to the deadline as mistakes are rampant and the story is a dud so far.

“and 20’ away” Miles?  Yeah, it might be hard to see him that far away.

“MASKED MAN in ski mask, bloody shirt, and bloody hook.” You’re having a little fun now for sure.

“The Masked Man slowly raises the bloody hook.” So the hook is bloody… I’m sure I’ve been told this before. So a hook against a revolver at 20 miles apart – I know who I’m putting my money on, but it’s obvious she’s going to be a terrible shot.

“The Masked Man staggers and falls.” Well, there you go, I was wrong. She shoots with the accuracy of a pro.

Oh, it was all a joke – good. This has left wanting even more when the actual hook man arrives… he’s coming, right?

How did Billy fake getting stabbed in the chest? The amount of money he’s wasted on this stunt – I mean, he’s 18 and had a chick in his car at lover’s lane so instead of banging her, he decides to play a practical joke. This could be another Dumb and Dumber prequel.

“shows Billy the bloody hook.” Really?!

Okay, so maybe this was thought out well – Kyle’s trying to shack up with Justine instead. Why did Justine try to call the police before? Was this for Billy’s sake who was in the woods completely out of the way to see such a thing anyway.

“raises the bloody hook.” And I’m out.

Twist within a twist within a twist with a bloody hook that gets bloody but never actually kills anyone. The cops arrive (I think) because you needed to end it, and Kyle gets shot while holding a bloody hook. Did I mention the bloody hook?

Sorry but I found this rather stupid to be honest. Kids playing practical jokes is fine if there is something behind the whole premise. This would have been better if Captain Hook did show up and kill them rather than some random cop.

On the same note, why did Kyle grab Justine when they showed up – was this still part of the joke? In fact, I’m surprised there wasn’t a scene over the credits where the cop shows up with Justine crying over the body of Kyle. He starts laughing and Kyle opens his eyes to say “we got you good” This could be called “The never ending practical joke with a bloody hook”

Oh those crazy jokester kids.

To me, this story felt like the first two pages were missing. No set up, just Blam! And then twist after twist after twist. Not enough time to breathe.

This one needs some work, IMO.

Quoted Text Shaking hands rifle through her purse until she finds her phone.

This made me laugh out loud. I dunno, just the way it was written made it seem like it was just a random pair of hands going through her purse. Like, out of The Addams Family...

A ski mask. Really? C'mon that's pretty lazy.

Quoted Text Justine quavers

Another one that made me laugh. She's a type of crisp now, or musical note? Just a typo but a funny one. Maybe I'm weird.

Good God, I think I blinked less times than the number of twists in this. I genuinely dunno if the writer is taking the piss or is trying way to hard to be able to say "HAHA, got ya" again, and again, and again, and again... you get the point.

Really didn't like this one at all, sorry.

Apart from the page count I didn't like much about this.

I think the main problem for me, was that there didn't seem to be any real set up or tension. One thing happened, then another, then another straight afterwards.

I think this could work better if you let the reader reflect on what's just happened while you build up to what's coming next. The last twist at the end was ok.

Pretty good.

Twisty and some dark humour which is all good. As people have pointed out though, some of the twists don't really make sense. But I think they could all be fixed in a rewrite.

Other than that, the writing, at times, was pretty poor.

Overall, enjoyable tale.

Good luck.

5 pages long and endless twists

I enjoyed it, I also look beyond the writing mistakes to see a story. Yeah it had loopholes, but the way you kept changing the "who is playing the trick on who" was funny.

Some peeps like to concentrate on the technical issues, those can be fixed anytime. A good story shines through and I liked this.

Code Outside, a thick arm wraps around Billy’s throat. A large steel hook slams into the middle of Billy’s chest, cutting short his laugh. Blood stains his shirt even as he’s dragged back into the trees.

If you can edit the screenplay’s first page to get that line at the bottom your first page would be better. You jump right into the action, which is good, a smidge later than optimal.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Fun!
Nice, fun little story with a good series of twists.
With make a cute little horror short film for someone with the resources.

Writing style:
Clear enough.

Dialogue:
No on-the-nose or exposition but it felt plain and spice-less.

Character:
Didn't care for them. You didn't make me.

Story:
The comedic tone of the ending didn't match the rest of the story. The ending was great but the rest wasn't at the same comical level. The first part was a simple double prank. You could have stretched the scares for a little bit longer. Both for Justine and her boyfriend. And used the scenes to throw more laughs in.

Overall:
A meal that tasted good but the amount wasn't even close to being satisfying.