SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 23rd, 2020, 7:18am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The January One Week Challenge is on

Scripts due to

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Captain Hook - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Captain Hook - OWC  (currently 2782 views)
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:57am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Captain Hook by Leonardo Leonardo - Short, Urban Legend - Every lovers lane has its own Captain Hook.  What a way to scare someone. - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:49am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
This one was a nice take on the "killer of teens on lovers' lane." I enoyed the ending(s). The story had a 50s vibe. The line about "great sex" was enough to warn me that something wasn't right. Storywise, it rolled by almost too quickly. The police at the end should have shouted a warning and then shot. I would've liked it if the cops were in on it too so Justine could be the mastermind. BTW, measurements are not needed in a script. They tend to bring the real world in on the story.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 29
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day
I'm sorry, but the writing here is very poor.  So many mistakes of every kind imaginable, littering every single page, and the awkward delivery and redonkulous asides sure don't help.

I read the entire script, and the payoff is actually decent.  It's the delivery that suffers here.

Aside from the poor writing, there's no setup whatsoever.  Things take off way, WAY too fast.  You didn't create any horror or tension.  I mean, seriously, your 5th passage has the hook already...seconds after Billy left the car.  From here, again, it all just goes way too fast and is too dull and cliche to pull your readers in.

If you think about what happens here for even a few sceonds, it's clear none of this could actually take place, including the cop shooting the innocent Kyle without a word, and even funnier, as he's behind Justine, with an arm around her throat - that cop's 1 Hell of a shot!

Your twist was well concieved and ends on a dark note, which is often the case for many of these "jokes gone wrong" type of plots.  The problem here is the writing itself, as well as the pace.  Hopefully, you understand and see these issues as well as realize why they are mistakes.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 2 - 29
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

Ah, a double, double cross.  With a twist ending.  Very imaginative.. and you can ultimately do a lot of fun stuff with this!

The writing itself needs some polish, IMO - which isn't surprising, given that you wrote this in only seven days.  But most important; this one's worth of the work needed to smooth it out and make it as good as it can be.
e-mail Reply: 3 - 29
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
This one I liked.  Like a good urban legend, nice and short.  And the twists kept on coming.  This tale forgoes suspense in favor of surprises.   Looks like it was written in a hurry, but the pace of the story more than makes up for the grammatical shortcomings.  An early favorite.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 29
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Down Under
Posts Per Day
Despite the - at times - poor grammar and formatting, this moved really well. I was digging the twists and turns.


The ending jarred a bit as why would Kyle assume a fake killing stance? Asking for trouble! Lol.  Perhaps an ending where the cops come up and they are wearing masks and they are the real killers?!   Lol.  Anyway nice entry.

Please note: I can overlook bad grammar and stuff if the story still propels us.

Private Message Reply: 5 - 29
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:27am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Was this meant to be funny? Since it had me laughing, there's my sick sense of humour. I think M. Night entered this OWC and this is his script. Twists after twists, too much? I think so. Because of the suddenness of it all, it unfortunately just gave me the occasional chuckle every few seconds. Nothing was milked, no tension, no nothing really. Either make this a comedy or make it longer. A decent effort.
Private Message Reply: 6 - 29
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:38am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
My problem with this (beyond the poor grammar) is that logically it just doesn't make sense, as pointed out below:


If Justine is in on the deal, why does she try to call 9-1-1? Wouldn't she just pretend to call?

How does the hook sink in her chest and blood squirt everywhere - because from the SCREEEE on the car, Kyle has an actual iron or metal hook.  He would have to have awfully good aim to hit a squib planted on her chest. And wouldn't Billy have noticed something as he was feeling Justine up? Maybe he hadn't gotten to her boobs yet.

Why do the police show up all of a sudden and flip on their lights?

Why did Kyle suddenly grab Justine when the cops showed up? That made absolutely no sense, nor the immediate shooting by the police of Kyle.

It's fine to have these different twists one on top of the other, you just need to do it logically.  In a rewrite, I would correct all the grammar problems as well as the logic problems, and then this would be a pretty decent effort.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 29
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse

Buy the ticket, take the ride

That's me in the corner
Posts Per Day
This one is kind of funny.

It moves at a great pace, which almost smooths over some huge flaws in the logic of this piece.  Almost.

And it kind of craps out at the end, as if the author just needed to bring this to a close before the deadline for submission.

If the author comes back to this one and smooths out the rough patches -- and brings this to a better conclusion -- it could be a fun, low-budget piece of work.

Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Private Message Reply: 8 - 29
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Southern California
Posts Per Day
I had some of the same logic hiccups that Hawkeye already described (e.g., why did she really call 9-1-1, etc.)

Aside from that - well written - crisp.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 29
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Southeastern United States
Posts Per Day
Has potential if the contradictions and suspensions of logic previously mentioned are addressed. Otherwise, there are good possibilities here. Recommend revising with the above comments in mind. It would be easy to film and you have time before the Halloween season kicks off in 8 months.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 29
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator

At my signal, unleash Hellboy

St Albans, England
Posts Per Day
This one was a very quick read, although, I did have to read some of the lines a couple of times.

"BILLY 18, mugs JUSTINE, 18"...initially read a bit awkward that. Being a Brit, I thought he'd was pinching her handbag or something. I know we're in a car, but there you go.

A few logic issues, but they've been mentioned before, so I won't go over things you already know.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 29
Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

The effects of writing again....

The Island of Jersey
Posts Per Day
Captain Hook ...

Will tinker bell turn up, let's see in lovers lane...

Billy mugs! In my part of the world that means he's just beaten her up !!

More twists than a monte carlo road race

Whilst I didn't wholly buy into all of them, especially the last one, there is something in this. Simple, and effective.

Just dial it back, also some foreshadowing would help

My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link...
Private Message Reply: 12 - 29
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Many, many, many twisteroos for us to sink our hooks into, pun intended.

I kinda expected "Hook" to show up at some point and really kill these teens, but I guess expecting something often lends itself to disappointment.  Not that this is bad, it's good.  A few sprinkled errors here or there, double-spacing kinda throws me off a little, but solid effort for a week's work.

I did like the ending though, even if it was a little "sudden".  Guess a joke can only go so far, right?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 29
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
I think too many twists annoy people. Plus every other twist takes away from the previous one. So you end up devaluing your own story.
Private Message Reply: 14 - 29
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

Posts Per Day
I was put off by the SCREE. No idea what that was about. Then it seemed it was just going to be a straightforward slasher with no real story to speak of. I actually quit reading it and simply forgot to write a 'review'.

So, after reading some of the other comments, I thought I'd stick with it and I actually quite liked it. Nice work.

Private Message Reply: 15 - 29
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:19am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
You know I enjoyed it.

All the twists and turns - it's like a parody at those Scream movies and I appreciated that.
I think it could be easily filmed but positioned as a parody.

Maybe you could squezze in a joke or two.

SCREE - you mean Scream?

This is a Scream parody, isn't it? it works beautifully as a parody for me. Really nice job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 29
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:35am Report to Moderator

North Carolina
Posts Per Day

He's scratching up his own car for the sake of a joke? I doubt it.

Billy must not think much of his girlfriend to do this.

I know, I know. It's just a light-hearted Urban Legend tale. It still has to work, though. In its present form, this one doesn't.

Private Message Reply: 17 - 29
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Some formatting and typo issues, let's put that down to time pressure of OWC deadline.

The tale is fairly straightforward but attempted twists mix it up a little at least, even of they dont all work.

Re-write, polish and this could work as decent comedy/horror short,


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 29
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

The bleak North East, England
Posts Per Day
A twist, then a twist and another twist which eventually leads to a few plots holes.

Why did Justine call the cops if she was in on the gag?

Where did all the fake claret come from as the two lovebirds were all over each other earlier and neither noticed any blood bags under garments?

Why did Kyle hold up his hook, if not to be killed?

A good urban legend but I think it confused itself.

Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 29
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 6:57pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Well i chuckled reading this. needs a re-write though just to give it more edge and tension. But Yeah, fun. I enjoyed the illogical twists.
Private Message Reply: 20 - 29
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 9:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Captain Hook

Short short scripts rock.

She must be able to see the ignition lock with no keys left, so there's no reason to sit into the driver's seat.

^^With regards to how it plays out in the end, there's another problem concerning her behavior -- Well, she tries to make a phone call and to drive off, which is illogical since she had planned to trick him.

The punch line with the cops is just so ironic and up to date, killer.

Hope to see this one time because it's a super fun to read and already builds on strong visuals and narration. Shock effects, a bit sex, cool costumes, blood, clever twists and all this within a few minutes only. The kids will love it and I probably will too.

Private Message Reply: 21 - 29
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 12:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Perth, Australia
Posts Per Day
“BILLY, 18, mugs JUSTINE, 18” What’s the mug about? Is this some new slang, or an old one I’m not familiar with?

“hot people” Glad you cleared that up – I thought they could be aliens.

Oh Billy, you was on to a sweet thing. Why ruin the mood.

“SCREEEE” Come again. What’s this supposed to be?

“The sound of metal on metal” Oh, that’s what it is.

“She spins back.” Wow! She’s spinning all over the car. You could say the “SCREEE” has her spinning around (like a record) hopefully that songs playing on the radio during this moment.

“What a joke.” Your words but yes, absolutely.

“Oops, no keys.” Oops indeed – where are they? I guess Billy took them with him but I can’t imagine why.

A small revolver in the glove box, these kids are 18 and at lover’s lane… why would you have a revolver. This is actually the problem with society in some ways. Obviously that’s not the point here, I’m pretty sure this was written close to the deadline as mistakes are rampant and the story is a dud so far.

“and 20’ away” Miles?  Yeah, it might be hard to see him that far away.

“MASKED MAN in ski mask, bloody shirt, and bloody hook.” You’re having a little fun now for sure.

“The Masked Man slowly raises the bloody hook.” So the hook is bloody… I’m sure I’ve been told this before. So a hook against a revolver at 20 miles apart – I know who I’m putting my money on, but it’s obvious she’s going to be a terrible shot.

“The Masked Man staggers and falls.” Well, there you go, I was wrong. She shoots with the accuracy of a pro.

Oh, it was all a joke – good. This has left wanting even more when the actual hook man arrives… he’s coming, right?

How did Billy fake getting stabbed in the chest? The amount of money he’s wasted on this stunt – I mean, he’s 18 and had a chick in his car at lover’s lane so instead of banging her, he decides to play a practical joke. This could be another Dumb and Dumber prequel.

“shows Billy the bloody hook.” Really?!

Okay, so maybe this was thought out well – Kyle’s trying to shack up with Justine instead. Why did Justine try to call the police before? Was this for Billy’s sake who was in the woods completely out of the way to see such a thing anyway.

“raises the bloody hook.” And I’m out.

Twist within a twist within a twist with a bloody hook that gets bloody but never actually kills anyone. The cops arrive (I think) because you needed to end it, and Kyle gets shot while holding a bloody hook. Did I mention the bloody hook?

Sorry but I found this rather stupid to be honest. Kids playing practical jokes is fine if there is something behind the whole premise. This would have been better if Captain Hook did show up and kill them rather than some random cop.

On the same note, why did Kyle grab Justine when they showed up – was this still part of the joke? In fact, I’m surprised there wasn’t a scene over the credits where the cop shows up with Justine crying over the body of Kyle. He starts laughing and Kyle opens his eyes to say “we got you good” This could be called “The never ending practical joke with a bloody hook”
Private Message Reply: 22 - 29
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 1:58am Report to Moderator

I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

Asheville, NC
Posts Per Day
Oh those crazy jokester kids.

To me, this story felt like the first two pages were missing. No set up, just Blam! And then twist after twist after twist. Not enough time to breathe.

This one needs some work, IMO.

“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 29
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 11:02am Report to Moderator

Northern Ireland
Posts Per Day

Quoted Text
Shaking hands rifle through her purse until she finds her

This made me laugh out loud. I dunno, just the way it was written made it seem like it was just a random pair of hands going through her purse. Like, out of The Addams Family...

A ski mask. Really? C'mon that's pretty lazy.

Quoted Text
Justine quavers

Another one that made me laugh. She's a type of crisp now, or musical note? Just a typo but a funny one. Maybe I'm weird.

Good God, I think I blinked less times than the number of twists in this. I genuinely dunno if the writer is taking the piss or is trying way to hard to be able to say "HAHA, got ya" again, and again, and again, and again... you get the point.

Really didn't like this one at all, sorry.

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 29
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
Apart from the page count I didn't like much about this.

I think the main problem for me, was that there didn't seem to be any real set up or tension. One thing happened, then another, then another straight afterwards.

I think this could work better if you let the reader reflect on what's just happened while you build up to what's coming next. The last twist at the end was ok.
Private Message Reply: 25 - 29
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 7:31pm Report to Moderator


Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts Per Day
Pretty good.

Twisty and some dark humour which is all good. As people have pointed out though, some of the twists don't really make sense. But I think they could all be fixed in a rewrite.

Other than that, the writing, at times, was pretty poor.

Overall, enjoyable tale.

Good luck.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 29
irish eyes
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
Posts Per Day
5 pages long and endless twists

I enjoyed it, I also look beyond the writing mistakes to see a story. Yeah it had loopholes, but the way you kept changing the "who is playing the trick on who" was funny.

Some peeps like to concentrate on the technical issues, those can be fixed anytime. A good story shines through and I liked this.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 29
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


About a thousand years from now.
Posts Per Day

Outside, a thick arm wraps around Billy’s throat. A large steel hook slams into the middle of Billy’s 
chest, cutting short his laugh. Blood stains his shirt even as he’s dragged back into the trees. 

If you can edit the screenplay’s first page to get that line at the bottom your first page would be better. You jump right into the action, which is good, a smidge later than optimal.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Nice, fun little story with a good series of twists.
With make a cute little horror short film for someone with the resources.

Private Message Reply: 28 - 29
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 6:52am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
Writing style:
Clear enough.

No on-the-nose or exposition but it felt plain and spice-less.

Didn't care for them. You didn't make me.

The comedic tone of the ending didn't match the rest of the story. The ending was great but the rest wasn't at the same comical level. The first part was a simple double prank. You could have stretched the scares for a little bit longer. Both for Justine and her boyfriend. And used the scenes to throw more laughs in.

A meal that tasted good but the amount wasn't even close to being satisfying.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 29
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006