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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Captain Hook - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Captain Hook - OWC  (currently 2702 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Captain Hook by Leonardo Leonardo - Short, Urban Legend - Every lovers lane has its own Captain Hook.  What a way to scare someone. - pdf, format


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grademan
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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This one was a nice take on the "killer of teens on lovers' lane." I enoyed the ending(s). The story had a 50s vibe. The line about "great sex" was enough to warn me that something wasn't right. Storywise, it rolled by almost too quickly. The police at the end should have shouted a warning and then shot. I would've liked it if the cops were in on it too so Justine could be the mastermind. BTW, measurements are not needed in a script. They tend to bring the real world in on the story.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, but the writing here is very poor.  So many mistakes of every kind imaginable, littering every single page, and the awkward delivery and redonkulous asides sure don't help.

I read the entire script, and the payoff is actually decent.  It's the delivery that suffers here.

Aside from the poor writing, there's no setup whatsoever.  Things take off way, WAY too fast.  You didn't create any horror or tension.  I mean, seriously, your 5th passage has the hook already...seconds after Billy left the car.  From here, again, it all just goes way too fast and is too dull and cliche to pull your readers in.

If you think about what happens here for even a few sceonds, it's clear none of this could actually take place, including the cop shooting the innocent Kyle without a word, and even funnier, as he's behind Justine, with an arm around her throat - that cop's 1 Hell of a shot!

Your twist was well concieved and ends on a dark note, which is often the case for many of these "jokes gone wrong" type of plots.  The problem here is the writing itself, as well as the pace.  Hopefully, you understand and see these issues as well as realize why they are mistakes.


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wonkavite
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, a double, double cross.  With a twist ending.  Very imaginative.. and you can ultimately do a lot of fun stuff with this!

The writing itself needs some polish, IMO - which isn't surprising, given that you wrote this in only seven days.  But most important; this one's worth of the work needed to smooth it out and make it as good as it can be.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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This one I liked.  Like a good urban legend, nice and short.  And the twists kept on coming.  This tale forgoes suspense in favor of surprises.   Looks like it was written in a hurry, but the pace of the story more than makes up for the grammatical shortcomings.  An early favorite.
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stevie
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Despite the - at times - poor grammar and formatting, this moved really well. I was digging the twists and turns.


SPOILERS





The ending jarred a bit as why would Kyle assume a fake killing stance? Asking for trouble! Lol.  Perhaps an ending where the cops come up and they are wearing masks and they are the real killers?!   Lol.  Anyway nice entry.

Please note: I can overlook bad grammar and stuff if the story still propels us.


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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:27am Report to Moderator
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Was this meant to be funny? Since it had me laughing, there's my sick sense of humour. I think M. Night entered this OWC and this is his script. Twists after twists, too much? I think so. Because of the suddenness of it all, it unfortunately just gave me the occasional chuckle every few seconds. Nothing was milked, no tension, no nothing really. Either make this a comedy or make it longer. A decent effort.
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hawkeye
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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My problem with this (beyond the poor grammar) is that logically it just doesn't make sense, as pointed out below:

SPOILERS:

If Justine is in on the deal, why does she try to call 9-1-1? Wouldn't she just pretend to call?

How does the hook sink in her chest and blood squirt everywhere - because from the SCREEEE on the car, Kyle has an actual iron or metal hook.  He would have to have awfully good aim to hit a squib planted on her chest. And wouldn't Billy have noticed something as he was feeling Justine up? Maybe he hadn't gotten to her boobs yet.

Why do the police show up all of a sudden and flip on their lights?

Why did Kyle suddenly grab Justine when the cops showed up? That made absolutely no sense, nor the immediate shooting by the police of Kyle.

It's fine to have these different twists one on top of the other, you just need to do it logically.  In a rewrite, I would correct all the grammar problems as well as the logic problems, and then this would be a pretty decent effort.


Gary


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bert
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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This one is kind of funny.

It moves at a great pace, which almost smooths over some huge flaws in the logic of this piece.  Almost.

And it kind of craps out at the end, as if the author just needed to bring this to a close before the deadline for submission.

If the author comes back to this one and smooths out the rough patches -- and brings this to a better conclusion -- it could be a fun, low-budget piece of work.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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I had some of the same logic hiccups that Hawkeye already described (e.g., why did she really call 9-1-1, etc.)

Aside from that - well written - crisp.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Iancou
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Has potential if the contradictions and suspensions of logic previously mentioned are addressed. Otherwise, there are good possibilities here. Recommend revising with the above comments in mind. It would be easy to film and you have time before the Halloween season kicks off in 8 months.


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Kip
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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This one was a very quick read, although, I did have to read some of the lines a couple of times.

"BILLY 18, mugs JUSTINE, 18"...initially read a bit awkward that. Being a Brit, I thought he'd was pinching her handbag or something. I know we're in a car, but there you go.

A few logic issues, but they've been mentioned before, so I won't go over things you already know.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Captain Hook ...

Will tinker bell turn up, let's see in lovers lane...

Billy mugs! In my part of the world that means he's just beaten her up !!

More twists than a monte carlo road race

Whilst I didn't wholly buy into all of them, especially the last one, there is something in this. Simple, and effective.

Just dial it back, also some foreshadowing would help


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Leegion
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Many, many, many twisteroos for us to sink our hooks into, pun intended.

I kinda expected "Hook" to show up at some point and really kill these teens, but I guess expecting something often lends itself to disappointment.  Not that this is bad, it's good.  A few sprinkled errors here or there, double-spacing kinda throws me off a little, but solid effort for a week's work.

I did like the ending though, even if it was a little "sudden".  Guess a joke can only go so far, right?
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Demento
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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I think too many twists annoy people. Plus every other twist takes away from the previous one. So you end up devaluing your own story.


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Dustin
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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I was put off by the SCREE. No idea what that was about. Then it seemed it was just going to be a straightforward slasher with no real story to speak of. I actually quit reading it and simply forgot to write a 'review'.

So, after reading some of the other comments, I thought I'd stick with it and I actually quite liked it. Nice work.


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khamanna
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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You know I enjoyed it.

All the twists and turns - it's like a parody at those Scream movies and I appreciated that.
I think it could be easily filmed but positioned as a parody.

Maybe you could squezze in a joke or two.

SCREE - you mean Scream?

This is a Scream parody, isn't it? it works beautifully as a parody for me. Really nice job.
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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He's scratching up his own car for the sake of a joke? I doubt it.

Billy must not think much of his girlfriend to do this.

I know, I know. It's just a light-hearted Urban Legend tale. It still has to work, though. In its present form, this one doesn't.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Some formatting and typo issues, let's put that down to time pressure of OWC deadline.

The tale is fairly straightforward but attempted twists mix it up a little at least, even of they dont all work.

Re-write, polish and this could work as decent comedy/horror short,

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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alffy
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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A twist, then a twist and another twist which eventually leads to a few plots holes.

Why did Justine call the cops if she was in on the gag?

Where did all the fake claret come from as the two lovebirds were all over each other earlier and neither noticed any blood bags under garments?

Why did Kyle hold up his hook, if not to be killed?

A good urban legend but I think it confused itself.


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DebbieM
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Well i chuckled reading this. needs a re-write though just to give it more edge and tension. But Yeah, fun. I enjoyed the illogical twists.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Captain Hook

Short short scripts rock.

She must be able to see the ignition lock with no keys left, so there's no reason to sit into the driver's seat.

^^With regards to how it plays out in the end, there's another problem concerning her behavior -- Well, she tries to make a phone call and to drive off, which is illogical since she had planned to trick him.

The punch line with the cops is just so ironic and up to date, killer.

Hope to see this one time because it's a super fun to read and already builds on strong visuals and narration. Shock effects, a bit sex, cool costumes, blood, clever twists and all this within a few minutes only. The kids will love it and I probably will too.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 12:55am Report to Moderator
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“BILLY, 18, mugs JUSTINE, 18” What’s the mug about? Is this some new slang, or an old one I’m not familiar with?

“hot people” Glad you cleared that up – I thought they could be aliens.

Oh Billy, you was on to a sweet thing. Why ruin the mood.

“SCREEEE” Come again. What’s this supposed to be?

“The sound of metal on metal” Oh, that’s what it is.

“She spins back.” Wow! She’s spinning all over the car. You could say the “SCREEE” has her spinning around (like a record) hopefully that songs playing on the radio during this moment.

“What a joke.” Your words but yes, absolutely.

“Oops, no keys.” Oops indeed – where are they? I guess Billy took them with him but I can’t imagine why.

A small revolver in the glove box, these kids are 18 and at lover’s lane… why would you have a revolver. This is actually the problem with society in some ways. Obviously that’s not the point here, I’m pretty sure this was written close to the deadline as mistakes are rampant and the story is a dud so far.

“and 20’ away” Miles?  Yeah, it might be hard to see him that far away.

“MASKED MAN in ski mask, bloody shirt, and bloody hook.” You’re having a little fun now for sure.

“The Masked Man slowly raises the bloody hook.” So the hook is bloody… I’m sure I’ve been told this before. So a hook against a revolver at 20 miles apart – I know who I’m putting my money on, but it’s obvious she’s going to be a terrible shot.

“The Masked Man staggers and falls.” Well, there you go, I was wrong. She shoots with the accuracy of a pro.

Oh, it was all a joke – good. This has left wanting even more when the actual hook man arrives… he’s coming, right?

How did Billy fake getting stabbed in the chest? The amount of money he’s wasted on this stunt – I mean, he’s 18 and had a chick in his car at lover’s lane so instead of banging her, he decides to play a practical joke. This could be another Dumb and Dumber prequel.

“shows Billy the bloody hook.” Really?!

Okay, so maybe this was thought out well – Kyle’s trying to shack up with Justine instead. Why did Justine try to call the police before? Was this for Billy’s sake who was in the woods completely out of the way to see such a thing anyway.

“raises the bloody hook.” And I’m out.

Twist within a twist within a twist with a bloody hook that gets bloody but never actually kills anyone. The cops arrive (I think) because you needed to end it, and Kyle gets shot while holding a bloody hook. Did I mention the bloody hook?

Sorry but I found this rather stupid to be honest. Kids playing practical jokes is fine if there is something behind the whole premise. This would have been better if Captain Hook did show up and kill them rather than some random cop.

On the same note, why did Kyle grab Justine when they showed up – was this still part of the joke? In fact, I’m surprised there wasn’t a scene over the credits where the cop shows up with Justine crying over the body of Kyle. He starts laughing and Kyle opens his eyes to say “we got you good” This could be called “The never ending practical joke with a bloody hook”
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marnieml
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Oh those crazy jokester kids.

To me, this story felt like the first two pages were missing. No set up, just Blam! And then twist after twist after twist. Not enough time to breathe.

This one needs some work, IMO.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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NI-Gunner
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Quoted Text
Shaking hands rifle through her purse until she finds her
phone.


This made me laugh out loud. I dunno, just the way it was written made it seem like it was just a random pair of hands going through her purse. Like, out of The Addams Family...

A ski mask. Really? C'mon that's pretty lazy.


Quoted Text
Justine quavers


Another one that made me laugh. She's a type of crisp now, or musical note? Just a typo but a funny one. Maybe I'm weird.

Good God, I think I blinked less times than the number of twists in this. I genuinely dunno if the writer is taking the piss or is trying way to hard to be able to say "HAHA, got ya" again, and again, and again, and again... you get the point.

Really didn't like this one at all, sorry.


"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
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Kyle
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Apart from the page count I didn't like much about this.

I think the main problem for me, was that there didn't seem to be any real set up or tension. One thing happened, then another, then another straight afterwards.

I think this could work better if you let the reader reflect on what's just happened while you build up to what's coming next. The last twist at the end was ok.
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good.

Twisty and some dark humour which is all good. As people have pointed out though, some of the twists don't really make sense. But I think they could all be fixed in a rewrite.

Other than that, the writing, at times, was pretty poor.

Overall, enjoyable tale.

Good luck.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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5 pages long and endless twists

I enjoyed it, I also look beyond the writing mistakes to see a story. Yeah it had loopholes, but the way you kept changing the "who is playing the trick on who" was funny.

Some peeps like to concentrate on the technical issues, those can be fixed anytime. A good story shines through and I liked this.


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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Code

Outside, a thick arm wraps around Billy’s throat. A large steel hook slams into the middle of Billy’s 
chest, cutting short his laugh. Blood stains his shirt even as he’s dragged back into the trees. 


If you can edit the screenplay’s first page to get that line at the bottom your first page would be better. You jump right into the action, which is good, a smidge later than optimal.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Fun!
Nice, fun little story with a good series of twists.
With make a cute little horror short film for someone with the resources.



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realxwriter
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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Writing style:
Clear enough.

Dialogue:
No on-the-nose or exposition but it felt plain and spice-less.

Character:
Didn't care for them. You didn't make me.

Story:
The comedic tone of the ending didn't match the rest of the story. The ending was great but the rest wasn't at the same comical level. The first part was a simple double prank. You could have stretched the scares for a little bit longer. Both for Justine and her boyfriend. And used the scenes to throw more laughs in.

Overall:
A meal that tasted good but the amount wasn't even close to being satisfying.
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