Interesting beginning, seemed like it had a purpose.
So much energy put into describing the room... must be a reason for that... darned if I know what it is, though.
I love all the closets and the storage space, anyway.

Is someone having fun with us? Really? ...

>Resting on her horizontal positioned bed.

Are there vertical beds? Well, I guess maybe in some kind of sci-fi stasis
chamber there might be.

>From the TV, a single dog GROWLS.

I wonder what a double dog sounds like.

>CARTOON CHARACTER (from the TV)
That was close. Ah.

We were previously informed, so this is not needed.

If you are serious, then later you'll see how little things matter and
we all write like this even now when when we're in fast mode. Then
we turn around, have a gander and "Whoops!"

The idea of the girls in conflict with Francine wanting quiet to
do her homework is essentially good and you can do a lot with
that, without the need of a naked man covered in blood. I think
he just wandered into the wrong story.  

Nice effort no matter which way you take this one.

Sandra

Erm, not sure what to make of this. It had no decent ideas (I do like black screen VO's as a transition, they can be very effective on screen) and the descriptions were over padded with so many unnecessary meanderings it was distracting. Pages 5 and 6 were a mess. I can see you were trying to make his search of the room a tense hide and seek scene but it was nearly two whole pages (two minutes on screen?) I ended up skipping.
Needs a big make over.
Daz

As I go:

Page 1:  They sound rather well-spoken for their ages to me, but I can never remember what kids sound like at their ages so I could easily be wrong.

Thoughts:

Greg has validated my dirty-minded associations; I'm glad.

Don't really see the point or know why anything is happening.

I rather liked the interplay between the two sisters.  From an only child's point of view, anyway, you seem to have successfully captured that sibling dynamic.

I'd recommend some Hitchcock.  Films and interviews.  In interviews he has a very succinct way of describing what is suspenseful and why, and what isn't and why.  I think the reason that the suspense doesn't work here is largely because we don't have any involvement in the situation as we're just suddenly thrust into it.

Thanks for the fun read!

Sorry, I don't like this one. It seems like two entirely different stories with a 911 call stuck in the middle. I think you spent too much time on the cartoon and then again on the description of the room. And, given the man is naked, frantic and wielding a blood-soaked knife, I doubt he would knock at all, and certainly not multiple times.

Good effort, tho

I guess the morale of the story here is 'don't run naked with a knife covered in blood terrorising young girls', it only gets you arrested.

That's literally all I got.

Sorry.

Arty.

The constant barks and growls got a little tedious.  The level detail was a little distracting, slowed the read, very specific.  You must have had a very clear vision of how everything should look on the screen, but it needs to be simplified.

I was convinced you were going in the direction of Francine inadvertently overhearing and typing up an ongoing murder without realising it, it would have been an interesting direction to take.
As it is I didn't feel the opening half held much purpose to the story, you introduced the characters but I felt we didn't learn a lot about them or anything integral to the story.

A good effort.
Leon

Wanted to respond to this first so this can go back of the pile.

Thanks for your comments and sorry for having made you read this. Should have followed my instinct in not releasing this. I safely can say that I'm not going to be participating in future OWC's. I'm just going to dedicate time to writing features and shorts (more than 5 pages).

Story: The story was the nude man trying to find the girl to murder her. Why? The nude man is crazy. There's no relation or backstory to any of these characters. The girls are enjoying their ordinary lives till this crazy guy comes along and messes things up. That's it in a nut shell. I added the intro to give some color to the characters. Thinking about it after submitting this, I should have added the after affects of the incident. But I'll leave that for the rewrite.    

Nude Man: I thought being nude would show that the guy's crazy. I was thinking of dressing him up as a bum, but I thought being nude would portray the craziness better.

I'm going to rewrite this one soon probably after I'm done with the feature.  Fix and shorten the descriptions, edit those naughty innuendos (the Someone comming) (Greg and Heretic, you're sick lol), and add more scenes to get that message across.


Thanks and sorry again.
Gabe

Don't apologize! This whole challenge is a learning experience for all of us

I've given this a read as I'm pretty sure I owe you reads. You sound a little disheartened in your post, and I think you shouldn't feel that way. If your work is criticised, it's just one opinion. Don't worry about it. It's ironic that often the work itself is far more skilfully written than the criticism.

Chin up, son.

There's tension imbedded in the premise, but I think you have written it in a way that doesn't allow you to develop it. For example, you dedicate three pages to the argument which has no role to play at all. The stakes are not raised for the plot and there's no characterisation that is paid off at any point. Secondly, once the killer is in the room, you - over - describe the room but fail to crank up the presence of a maniacal killer seeking out a young girl. Why is he there? What's driving his actions? Thirdly, you run against genre with your decisions. Isn't this essentially a slasher? If so, I think it's a mistake to subvert expectations by showing us the blood and not the killing - we're left to assume the older girl has been murdered, but we don't see it. That's against type and wounds the script. As mentioned, you focus on descriptions once he's in there and fail to ratchet up any psychological elements because he doesn't really do nowt. Personally, the idea of not showing the killing and leaving us with the thought is a good base for a psychological thriller but the rest of the script doesn't fit that genre either.

These things are probably the product of a rushed write. There's nothing you cannot fix up once you dissect the constituent parts. As I say, a lot of this is genre and expectation problems stemming from your choices and not indicative of a writer without talent. For me, far too much analysis focuses on the actual writing and fails to acknowledge what makes this medium and how simple choices can create a disconnect.

Keep writing, geezer.

Gabe,

You come upbwith some great ideas. Sometimes they are confusing to read, but that's what rewrites are for. Don't give up on the OWC. They are great and you're part of the OWC tradition too.

Pia

Quoted from Mr.Ripley (Greg and Heretic, you're sick lol)

My Ethics prof was talking today about giving a tourist the wrong directions as a joke.  She said, "...some people would give them the wrong directions and then say, 'Ha ha ha, I just pulled one off on a tourist.'"  Only myself and one other student seemed to find this funny...

I wouldn't be unhappy with your entry here, Gabe.  As I said above, I think the interplay between the sisters is well written and entertaining.  That the first half is currently lacking in logical connection to the second is of no regard to the strong writing contained therein.