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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  For Customers Only - OWC Moderators: Don
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For Customers Only by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short - A man and a clerk haggle over store policy. 7 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 27th, 2011, 11:34am
revised script
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Unique. Sorry, I don't have much else to say. The writing worked, no problems there. Managed to build a little tension. Perhaps some humor. Congrats on playing the OWC!
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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was predictable. A guy has to go to the restroom and complications follow. I think if urgency would have added a little zip to the story. Not bad though.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty amusing, I think it sucks that some places dun let you use the washroom, i been stuck in that situation before, i think the dude should have just whipped it out and pissed all over the floor, that might have them change their policy, in fact i recomend anyone do that if denied a restroom , screw these customer only rules, a revolt is needed . the story goes a little overboard at the end but it was a cute story. Good job on this OWC.


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Meh...sorry, very poor, week, meaningless, IMO.  Insanely irritating prose with all the Mini Slug items and the like.  Just so bloated with nothingness, I'm, actually kind of pissed. Feel like a total waste of 8 minutes.

Nothing else to say.  Didn't work in any way, totally weak story/skit/whatever it's supposed to be.

Argh...

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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SLM
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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I quite liked this one. It held together nicely, progressed from a-b-c in a logical way.

The only thing that really struck me was that, when Trent ran away with the gun in his hand, wouldn't the cop have shot him? The cop just seems uninterested, but he had no reason not to know the gun was real.

I'd also say that the penultimate scene was rather confusingly written and I had trouble following it.

But, of the six I have read this morning, this one is the best. Let's say three out of five stars...
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but I think it could be bumped up for comedy's sake. You have Trent's stomach make a lot of noise so obviously he needs to poop. That of course has been done before, but it works a lot of the time because everyone can identify with that situation of not being near a bathroom. Worked great in Dumb and Dumber. Since Trent is so desperate to go that he tries to fit through the cat door, I think there needs to be a payoff on his bathroom need. Something's has got to happen there. I kept waiting for him to have an "accident". Instead he's just hauled away by the cops.

I agree that the cop needs to act more cop like.  If a cop enters a store during an armed robbery, things get really intense right away.

The writing was fine, but a little too overwritten and descriptive on the first page. Other than that I thought you did a good job. Things escalate out of hand at a good pace. Make it funnier and it will work really well.


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dogglebe
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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This was a cute read.  I think you over-thought it when you wrote it.  There was just too much detail for me.  This would be better if it was shorter.  Still, it was nice.  An old-fashion comedy.


Phil
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Read it

Pretty well writen IMO.

The story is okay to me, kind of funny in spots. Nothing blows me away but it works.

Good job on getting it done.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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I feel this one meets the one location OWC rules.
All the locations are established in the opening descriptions.
Comedy is very subjective. More so than other genres, I feel.
Iím not a big fan of old school French style slapstick comedy.
Unless, under the influence, which I was when I read it.
I dug the exuberance over innovation you were going for.
Not everything has to redefine a genre, just do it well.
Could use a trim, but I was never lost on the page.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

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jwent6688
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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I would say this script is a bit CORNIE in the least. Thought Sheldon laying down his gun and running out of the store was the weakest part for me. I don't think that would've worked well on film.

I did like the double referance of "For customers only".

Didn't like your use of slugs, so I'm with Jeff here. Wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote this just to piss him off. Lol....

good job completeing an OWC...

James


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was corney, too, but in a fun corney way.

I think you could amp up his restroom worry. Maybe gas, too?

And like Pia said, I think the poor guy should resolve his problem, but I liked the sign on the bus at the end.

Cute. I liked it.
Congrats on completing the OWC

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was really quite nicely done. There's two things I have to say.

1. When he saw the cat relieving himself in the cat box, I thought: THERE!!! There's a place to go at least!

He should have took that opportunity and then create some other kind of confrontation between Sheldon, who comes back (for some reason) and the officer and Carl and that distracts them for a bit.

2. This part:

TRENT Trent Page.
Enzo? Look in the
roadster and see...youíve got it?
Great. Iíll be right there, ciao.

Really threw me off track.

Otherwise, this was very well done. Lovely title. Lovely comedy!

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Whilst my first OWC I already appreciate the comedy scripts as they form light relief (excuse the pun).

Yeah needs tiding up and a few elements seemed to weaken it for me, such as the  putting the gun down, the telephone call etc

However, I thought the argument over the use of a toilet has potential for a funny skit.

All the best.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the characters and the dialogue. It got lost towards the end a little there was a few directions I would have prefered to have seen but that is just me.
I hated the formatting of the action with individual headings, they were pointless and stuttered the flow. I imagine you were suggesting shots with them?
Great descriptions. Yeah, pretty good.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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